Gotta be honest - I am struggling
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by Bunny211 
Did you ever feel life was better before you got sober?
I don't mean the end of my drinking. Sobriety is better than that. But 10 years ago. I had a good life. An education. A career. Friends.
Sobriety is a distant runner up to that. It still feels like a punishment to be endured for being such a stupid wreck of a person to become such a terrible alcoholic in the first place.
"Stupid wreck of a person"? "Terrible alcoholic"? Bunny did you forget that alcoholism is a mental illness--a disease that centers in the mind--and not a moral failing? Come on I know you're smarter than that. :-)
Now I'm forever marked. Forever a loser....damned to sobriety and church basements. It's better than drinking round the clock and puking.
Yeah sometimes I get tired of the church basements and flat stale coffee but I'd rather be there carrying the message than out living a life spiritually asleep and in my misperceptive thoughts.
But it's not nearly as fulfilling as life before I fell on my face and became a hopeless drunk.
And I think I have always felt this way. I keep trying to push these thoughts away but they always re-appear. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I'm pretty miserable. Sobriety is second plate to the life I used to have.
Are you working with a new sponsor? Living in 10, 11 and 12?
Can I suggest tonight and every night before you go to sleep, jot down three things that happened that day that you're grateful for. Remember sometimes it's the little things that mean the most. You'll start seeing life differently. Gratitude changes the brain.
I know this post sounds very direct but I've been following your posts for quite a while. You can handle truth.
Go to sleep tonight and thank whatever force you believe in for another 24 hours sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Thanks all. I don't think I'm peri menopausal yet at 35. PMS is something I've discussed a lot with my physician. I'm just struggling now. And not really sure what to believe anymore. I don't know that it is an illness and not a poor coping mechanism. Courts can mandate alcoholics not to drink. Essentially they require them to put their disease into remission. If this was truly a disease, that wouldn't be allowed. I have yet to have a spiritual awakening despite working the steps. I still have no faith in a higher power though I go through the motions and ask for help. But I'm continuing on with sobriety - at least for now.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by Bunny211
Thanks all. I don't think I'm peri menopausal yet at 35. PMS is something I've discussed a lot with my physician. I'm just struggling now. And not really sure what to believe anymore. I don't know that it is an illness and not a poor coping mechanism. Courts can mandate alcoholics not to drink. Essentially they require them to put their disease into remission. If this was truly a disease, that wouldn't be allowed. I have yet to have a spiritual awakening despite working the steps. I still have no faith in a higher power though I go through the motions and ask for help. But I'm continuing on with sobriety - at least for now.
I'm sorry you're struggling. :-(
Maybe AA isn't for you. Have you looked into the other recovery programs like Lifering or SMART Recovery? Therapy? Maybe check out the secular forum here?
Sorry about my post. I thought you just needed an "AA reality check" from someone also in AA. But it sounds like maybe trying another program or something could help you.
Good luck and stay strong. You've come a long way in your sobriety.
PTF
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 78
Hi Bunny. I'm so glad you posted this and there have been some great responses (sorry if I kind of repeat stuff.) I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting. I don't know much about your story but I can certainly relate to being depressed. I've had horrible bouts myself in sobriety and not in sobriety. It's really hard. I would suggest as others have to talked to the doc. My antidepressant, along with exercise, therapy, AA and limited sugar/ caffeine help me (although I don't always stick to these things as I should.)
To answer the question, yes, I fantasize sometimes about how great my life was just out of college, drinking and living how I wanted, seemingly managing things. But then I remember all the days I worked hungover. All the days I didn't drink but thought about it constantly. The weekends where I'd have to lay in bed all day and eat garbage on a Saturday or Sunday (or both) just to feel human. The times I was so sick I'd have to puke and the room would spin for what seemed like hours. I don't know if you relate or not, but my life was not REALLY ever good while drinking. I was numb, or hungover. Or obsessing over drink. I think some of that too is how glamorized alcohol is in our society. We really are bombarded constantly with messages that drinking is cool or classy. But it never was that for me.
I hope you find some peace. Keep reaching out.
To answer the question, yes, I fantasize sometimes about how great my life was just out of college, drinking and living how I wanted, seemingly managing things. But then I remember all the days I worked hungover. All the days I didn't drink but thought about it constantly. The weekends where I'd have to lay in bed all day and eat garbage on a Saturday or Sunday (or both) just to feel human. The times I was so sick I'd have to puke and the room would spin for what seemed like hours. I don't know if you relate or not, but my life was not REALLY ever good while drinking. I was numb, or hungover. Or obsessing over drink. I think some of that too is how glamorized alcohol is in our society. We really are bombarded constantly with messages that drinking is cool or classy. But it never was that for me.
I hope you find some peace. Keep reaching out.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
"Did you ever feel that life was better before you got sober"
Yes. That is exactly why I could not stay stopped. It was the obsession of the mind that somehow this time the alcohol will bring that sense of ease and comfort it used to bring. It is the only reason I drank, to have a good time. Every time I picked up, I was looking for the good old days. It was a delusion. The good old days were gone for good, but it took a lot of drinking and a lot of pain to eventually see that.
I have been sober a while, and it hasn't always been a bed of roses. Life is like that. Just because we are sober alcoholics does not make us immune from the ups and downs of life. I have faced grief and tragedy, many challenges, and difficulties of every kind. Most of what seemed to be painful negative experiences turned out to be opportunities for growth, and every time I got through something like that it strengthened my faith. The only thing I have been blessed not to experience is serious illness.
The way the AA program had worked for me is first it removed the obsession to drink, and then it showed me how to grow and develop, make mistakes and be able to learn from them instead of drink over them. Good days, bad days, the underlying theme has been a kind of internal confidence that I am on the right track. No matter what happens I know it will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
The court ordered me to be sober. They called it a prohibition order and I got one when I was sixteen. I was drunk that night. There is no legal remedy for alcoholism.
Yes. That is exactly why I could not stay stopped. It was the obsession of the mind that somehow this time the alcohol will bring that sense of ease and comfort it used to bring. It is the only reason I drank, to have a good time. Every time I picked up, I was looking for the good old days. It was a delusion. The good old days were gone for good, but it took a lot of drinking and a lot of pain to eventually see that.
I have been sober a while, and it hasn't always been a bed of roses. Life is like that. Just because we are sober alcoholics does not make us immune from the ups and downs of life. I have faced grief and tragedy, many challenges, and difficulties of every kind. Most of what seemed to be painful negative experiences turned out to be opportunities for growth, and every time I got through something like that it strengthened my faith. The only thing I have been blessed not to experience is serious illness.
The way the AA program had worked for me is first it removed the obsession to drink, and then it showed me how to grow and develop, make mistakes and be able to learn from them instead of drink over them. Good days, bad days, the underlying theme has been a kind of internal confidence that I am on the right track. No matter what happens I know it will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
The court ordered me to be sober. They called it a prohibition order and I got one when I was sixteen. I was drunk that night. There is no legal remedy for alcoholism.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Thanks all. I had a clear thought this morning - that my alcoholism wants me dead. Bunny has sorted of faded away and this screwed up thinking has taken over. And yes PMS and depression play a part. Seeing my new therapist Friday. Continuing on. This path ain't easy. And maybe AA is NOT for me. I've got to make a decision as to how I want to do my recovery going forward...but first I need to get my head on straight.
thanks everyone.
XOXO
thanks everyone.
XOXO
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Bunny211
Did you ever feel life was better before you got sober? I don't mean the end of my drinking. Sobriety is better than that. But 10 years ago. I had a good life. An education. A career. Friends. Sobriety is a distant runner up to that. It still feels like a punishment to be endured for being such a stupid wreck of a person to become such a terrible alcoholic in the first place. Now I'm forever marked. Forever a loser....damned to sobriety and church basements. It's better than drinking round the clock and puking. But it's not nearly as fulfilling as life before I fell on my face and became a hopeless drunk.
And I think I have always felt this way. I keep trying to push these thoughts away but they always re-appear. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I'm pretty miserable. Sobriety is second plate to the life I used to have.
And I think I have always felt this way. I keep trying to push these thoughts away but they always re-appear. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I'm pretty miserable. Sobriety is second plate to the life I used to have.
And it was all good
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by Bunny211
Did you ever feel life was better before you got sober? I don't mean the end of my drinking. Sobriety is better than that. But 10 years ago. I had a good life. An education. A career. Friends. Sobriety is a distant runner up to that. It still feels like a punishment to be endured for being such a stupid wreck of a person to become such a terrible alcoholic in the first place. Now I'm forever marked. Forever a loser....damned to sobriety and church basements. It's better than drinking round the clock and puking. But it's not nearly as fulfilling as life before I fell on my face and became a hopeless drunk.
And I think I have always felt this way. I keep trying to push these thoughts away but they always re-appear. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I'm pretty miserable. Sobriety is second plate to the life I used to have.
And I think I have always felt this way. I keep trying to push these thoughts away but they always re-appear. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I'm pretty miserable. Sobriety is second plate to the life I used to have.
I hear a lot of Addictive Voice in this post. You can learn to recognize and disassociate from that voice that tells you drinking was better, you are forever marked, life is miserable sober and a punishment to be endured. Once that voice isn't respected and is seen as nothing more than a nuisance you may find the peace of mind you are looking for.
All the best the you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Hey Bunny. Just sending some support your way and writing to let you know that I have enjoyed, and have learned from, your posts and comments over the past few years. Whatever your path forward is, I hope that you will still participate in these discussions because you can, and have, helped others.
There are lots of good comments above. While I don't have any expertise or experience to weigh in on much of this, I will comment on your recent post suggesting that perhaps this isn't a disease because courts "can mandate alcoholics not to drink" and that, if this "was truly a disease, that wouldn't be allowed." I know that you are intelligent and probably know this not to be true, but if you need any confirmation I will provide it to you. I'm an attorney and I have spent plenty of time studying the criminal justice system and I can tell you that you should not attempt to draw conclusions regarding medical treatments and diagnoses based upon the criminal justice system. The fact that courts order people not to drink is not evidence that alcoholism is not a disease. We, as a society, have done a poor job in adapting our justice system and our medical system to properly address the impact of addiction. It is my belief that treatment options for addiction have improved and that the stigma of addiction is slowly being reduced, but our criminal justice system has a long ways to go.
There are lots of good comments above. While I don't have any expertise or experience to weigh in on much of this, I will comment on your recent post suggesting that perhaps this isn't a disease because courts "can mandate alcoholics not to drink" and that, if this "was truly a disease, that wouldn't be allowed." I know that you are intelligent and probably know this not to be true, but if you need any confirmation I will provide it to you. I'm an attorney and I have spent plenty of time studying the criminal justice system and I can tell you that you should not attempt to draw conclusions regarding medical treatments and diagnoses based upon the criminal justice system. The fact that courts order people not to drink is not evidence that alcoholism is not a disease. We, as a society, have done a poor job in adapting our justice system and our medical system to properly address the impact of addiction. It is my belief that treatment options for addiction have improved and that the stigma of addiction is slowly being reduced, but our criminal justice system has a long ways to go.
Soberado
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Cleveland Ohio-ish
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by soberandhonest
Hey Bunny. Just sending some support your way and writing to let you know that I have enjoyed, and have learned from, your posts and comments over the past few years. Whatever your path forward is, I hope that you will still participate in these discussions because you can, and have, helped others.
There are lots of good comments above. While I don't have any expertise or experience to weigh in on much of this, I will comment on your recent post suggesting that perhaps this isn't a disease because courts "can mandate alcoholics not to drink" and that, if this "was truly a disease, that wouldn't be allowed." I know that you are intelligent and probably know this not to be true, but if you need any confirmation I will provide it to you. I'm an attorney and I have spent plenty of time studying the criminal justice system and I can tell you that you should not attempt to draw conclusions regarding medical treatments and diagnoses based upon the criminal justice system. The fact that courts order people not to drink is not evidence that alcoholism is not a disease. We, as a society, have done a poor job in adapting our justice system and our medical system to properly address the impact of addiction. It is my belief that treatment options for addiction have improved and that the stigma of addiction is slowly being reduced, but our criminal justice system has a long ways to go.
There are lots of good comments above. While I don't have any expertise or experience to weigh in on much of this, I will comment on your recent post suggesting that perhaps this isn't a disease because courts "can mandate alcoholics not to drink" and that, if this "was truly a disease, that wouldn't be allowed." I know that you are intelligent and probably know this not to be true, but if you need any confirmation I will provide it to you. I'm an attorney and I have spent plenty of time studying the criminal justice system and I can tell you that you should not attempt to draw conclusions regarding medical treatments and diagnoses based upon the criminal justice system. The fact that courts order people not to drink is not evidence that alcoholism is not a disease. We, as a society, have done a poor job in adapting our justice system and our medical system to properly address the impact of addiction. It is my belief that treatment options for addiction have improved and that the stigma of addiction is slowly being reduced, but our criminal justice system has a long ways to go.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 534
Hi Bunny. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I can relate. I'm 61 days sober and I realized yesterday that I've only been to one social event since I've been sober. It does feel like a punishment sometimes, but it doesn't have to be that way. We will learn to make our lives fun again. Little by little.
I have bipolar disorder and hypothyroidism (one feeds into the other) so I understand the mood swings and hormonal wackiness. Definitely worth it to get as many opinions as you can. I know it gets exhausting going to doctors and feeling nobody has a solution, but it's worth the effort. I think when people are healthy other than being an alcoholic they have a hard time understanding that those of us with chronic illnesses unrelated to drinking don't feel great when we get sober. The struggle continues, we just aren't drunk anymore. For me, not feeling noticeably better has been a real bummer, but I know it takes time.
Feeling you on the confusion about recovery methods. Keep exploring until you find something that doesn't make you feel more depressed.
Your posts have helped me a lot as well. I hope you're able to get past these feelings and find a good balance. It's good that you're paying attention to it and getting feedback instead of just wallowing in it alone or pretending like it's not happening.
I have bipolar disorder and hypothyroidism (one feeds into the other) so I understand the mood swings and hormonal wackiness. Definitely worth it to get as many opinions as you can. I know it gets exhausting going to doctors and feeling nobody has a solution, but it's worth the effort. I think when people are healthy other than being an alcoholic they have a hard time understanding that those of us with chronic illnesses unrelated to drinking don't feel great when we get sober. The struggle continues, we just aren't drunk anymore. For me, not feeling noticeably better has been a real bummer, but I know it takes time.
Feeling you on the confusion about recovery methods. Keep exploring until you find something that doesn't make you feel more depressed.
Your posts have helped me a lot as well. I hope you're able to get past these feelings and find a good balance. It's good that you're paying attention to it and getting feedback instead of just wallowing in it alone or pretending like it's not happening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Bunny211
Thanks all. I had a clear thought this morning - that my alcoholism wants me dead. Bunny has sorted of faded away and this screwed up thinking has taken over. And yes PMS and depression play a part. Seeing my new therapist Friday. Continuing on. This path ain't easy. And maybe AA is NOT for me. I've got to make a decision as to how I want to do my recovery going forward...but first I need to get my head on straight.
thanks everyone.
XOXO
thanks everyone.
XOXO
I can't manage any of these things drinking. Drinking, my pms spirals out of control. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. And my god when is menopause coming....ugh im 48 and no sign of it yet.
Stay strong bunny. I know none of this is helped with alcohol. None of it. Take good care of yourself. Reward yourself. You deserve treats, relaxation, time to yourself, something that feels good to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Hi Bunny, your posts positively impacted me too when I landed on SR last year. You posted some really uplifting and positive posts and gave me hope as I read them, when I was at such a low. I could relate to what you wrote also, because I lost my career to alcohol addiction and I saw you rise and deal with challenges.
I do hope that you have a beneficial meeting with your therapist, maybe think through issues beforehand and write questions for posing?
I do hope that you have a beneficial meeting with your therapist, maybe think through issues beforehand and write questions for posing?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
Yep. Got to add my voice here. Your posts and encouragement helped me get 8 months sober, and showed me that it could be done. It actually hurts me badly that you are struggling, as you were one of the guys rockin' it when I needed a role model.
I'm not sure I ever thanked you for your kind words at the time. If not, thank you.
Anyway, don't ever give up. Alcohol is bullsh*t. There's nothing there that will help with any other problems you have.
MrMctell.
I'm not sure I ever thanked you for your kind words at the time. If not, thank you.
Anyway, don't ever give up. Alcohol is bullsh*t. There's nothing there that will help with any other problems you have.
MrMctell.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Thank you all. I am feeling much better today. Sometimes my alcoholism takes a hold and it's almost like I fade into the background....the drunk voice wins out and I am no longer even there. That was scary. I think a large part of it is PMS and underlying depression plus having had a really rotten, rotten month, plus the change of seasons etc. I am thankful and grateful for all your love and support. I had no idea I as thought of so highly. Love to all. XOXOX
Stay sober peoples!
Bunny
Stay sober peoples!
Bunny
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Bunny.
I am my mom's caregiver, which at this point entails a daily check to make sure she has taken her meds and that all is well at her home.
So not so bad, but I know it will get worse. She's 92 and in reasonably good health with some dementia.
I get sad about it sometimes, .
Not clinically depressed, just sad.
Not much helps when this happens. I sit with it and eventually I feel better.
Not trying to compare or top my sadness with yours, nor do I have advice.
I am glad you are feeling better.
I always enjoy your posts.
I am my mom's caregiver, which at this point entails a daily check to make sure she has taken her meds and that all is well at her home.
So not so bad, but I know it will get worse. She's 92 and in reasonably good health with some dementia.
I get sad about it sometimes, .
Not clinically depressed, just sad.
Not much helps when this happens. I sit with it and eventually I feel better.
Not trying to compare or top my sadness with yours, nor do I have advice.
I am glad you are feeling better.
I always enjoy your posts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Oh, and for whatever reasons, my 30's were rough.
I felt much better in my 40's, 50's and now 60's. (I'm 65).
I have, after many years, become peaceful with my life and family and have had enlightenments about why I did some of the things I did. I know what I will tolerate and what I won't.
Serenity has been a long time coming, but it appears, at long last, to be here and to be staying.
Though my alcohol addicted sib drives me round the bend at times.
I felt much better in my 40's, 50's and now 60's. (I'm 65).
I have, after many years, become peaceful with my life and family and have had enlightenments about why I did some of the things I did. I know what I will tolerate and what I won't.
Serenity has been a long time coming, but it appears, at long last, to be here and to be staying.
Though my alcohol addicted sib drives me round the bend at times.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Bunny211
Thank you all. I am feeling much better today. Sometimes my alcoholism takes a hold and it's almost like I fade into the background....the drunk voice wins out and I am no longer even there. That was scary. I think a large part of it is PMS and underlying depression plus having had a really rotten, rotten month, plus the change of seasons etc. I am thankful and grateful for all your love and support. I had no idea I as thought of so highly. Love to all. XOXOX
Stay sober peoples!
Bunny
Stay sober peoples!
Bunny
Now go do some fun stuff to make new friends! I highly recommend women's fitness. It takes care of a lot: social stuff, finding common interest with people....and endorphins for pms!
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