eve123

So I'm in 3 months. I have a 17 month year old with a recovering heroine addict. Not with him he treated me like crap. Met him in rehab!! Ye ok I didn't take the advice. hes in a relationship now thinks he's ace. He's a defo addict narc vain type. He looks down on me. Anyway he sees his son two nights a month. Now he brings my baby back with clothes hand me downs from his girlfriends kids. I try work my program but how dare he do that. I don't need the clothes he pays £100 a month maitanence earning 20£ a year. I want to text him n tell him shove the clothes. Hits me on all my defects. Why would I want hand me down clothes fir my child off his girlfriend. Am I being unreasonable or insane? I just feel like a fool. I want to tell him but don't want **** back. Why does he think it's ok after all the pain he caused me to give me the clothes

least

Don't look at it as him looking down on you, he might just be trying to give his child some clothes, as a gift. He might not mean it in a bad way.

If it were me, I'd be glad to have more clothes for my kid, no matter where they came from.

Ariesagain

He may not even realize those clothes aren't your son's. He's probably pretty oblivious to that level of detail.

I get it, though...it would maybe feel like she's encroaching on your child even though she may not even know about it.

But try to let it go? "Lose" the clothes and move on. Making a thing about it will only make a little thing a big thing, yes?

Sending you a hug.

Berrybean

I spent a good deal of early sobriety ranting / seething / giving head space to other people's defects or mistakes. Luckily the folk at AA were patient with me and kept telling me over and over to just stay sober and keep my side of the street clean. They suggested that I try to forgive, and try not to have expectations of what other people should do because we can't change them and it's just frustrating / disappointing.

As someone on here once said (typed) and it struck a chord with me - none of us got better by focussing on other people's defects. We need to change what we don't like or are not comfortable with about ourselves first and foremost.

Re the clothes...If you don't want to use the clothes why not just put them in a bag and send them back next time your child visits for them to use, or perhaps just smile and say thanks for the thought, then donate them to someone who might appreciate them. A charity shop, or womens hostel. I thought at 17 months babies grew pretty quick - if you could find the humility to accept them the clothes might be useful in that the less you have to spend on kids clothes in the run up to Christmas, the more you can spend on gifts from Santa. Is this really about the clothes though? Why not add it to your step 4 resentments inventory and see what comes out of it. And def discuss it with your sponsor asap.

BB

eve123

Thanks for your replies iv been to meeting n shared and spoke to my sponsor. It prob wast about the clothes I think it might be that because he's in s relationship it makes me feel rejected n not good enough and jealous I suppose if I'm honest and those there are three of my biggest defects. Step 4 here I come again thanks again feel a bit petty now but my head just goes all out at times making up stories etc

Berrybean

Well, hey. That's recovery for us I suppose.

Those defects don't just go away and stay away. I've found that each morning I need to ask God to remove them, and also ask for the self-honesty and awareness to recognise when they're pulling my strings again. It'salways progress, never perfection. It does get easier to recognise over time though. A lot of the time my defects will speak to me in my first thought, then wisdom speaks the 2nd and 3rd thoughts. At first that meant, dont react to the first thought and ask myself what my sponsor would say or do. Nowadays, most of the time the 2nd or 3rd thoughts can be generated through touching base with my HP, or by asking myself how I can maintain my integrity and / or act with humility in the situation (I have a prayer for humility that I use each morning because I'm seriously lacking in it as my natural state). Other days my beam is further off, or the situation is more tricky / emotionally complicated and I need to talk to someone. That might mean my sponsor or close freind in the fellowship, or posting on here, or private messaging someone on here whos wisdom and frankness I've grown to trust (for example, Tomsteve has helped me work through plenty of times when my defects have been blind-siding me - he's a star, but don't go telling him I told ya!) OR I don't even recognise that there IS a problem with my thinking til I do a step 10 inventory at the end of the day (oops!!).

I had to do a couple of decades worth of growing up in sobriety - if I was left to my own devises it would have been practically impossible for me to do so. BUT, I'm not left to my own devices. I have God / my Higher Power, my sponsor, AA friends and SR friends to help me. And so do you. You can do this *Hugs*

BB

NYCDoglvr

Yea, me too. It's in hindsight I see how deranged I was in early sobriety. Just don't drink today and everything works out.

Mountainmanbob

Recognizing my resentments yet not necessarily sharing them with the ones I feel offended by has helped me a lot.

There is actually a thread here that I started on site called my resentment level.

As stated by others above it's usually best that I let my resentments go because usually they are only in my head.

Holding a resentment is like drinking poison our self and then hoping it's going to hurt somebody else.

We need to stay away from all poisons with resentments being what is called by many the number one offender.

M-Bob

Done4today

Awesome share Hedd!

I feel so grateful to see how you used your tools to work through this perceived issue. Great job Hedd and thank you for sharing.