Loving An alchoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 8
Loving An alchoholic
Hello everyone! My pain and sadness brought me here. I am going through a breakup and I was just reading articles online hoping I could find something to help me feel better but I ended up on this website.
I’m 27, an immigrant in Canada. Ive been here for 2 and a half years. A year and a half ago, I met my ex boyfriend. He was beautiful, he was a great person, he was very helpful and supportive of me, I thought he was the one. Among all the good qualities of him there are two major things that totally damaged our relationship.
My ex boyfriend was a heavy smoker(smokes a pack a day) and I would say a functional alchoholic. He works a lot and get paid really well. He has his own vehicle and his own apartment. I knew he was a smoker when we got together and he promised he will quit. During the time he was trying to impress me he didnt smoke for 3months after a while he went back smoking and never stopped since.
Few months later I realized that theres something wrong with his drinking. He would come home from work everynight and drink roughly 4-5 bottles of beer sometimes even more. Which was fine to me until incidents kept happening. Over the course of our relationship I already lost track of how many times he would go out with friends and get plastered drunk and totally blackout. He woul leave me worrying everytime and he would not remember what he did, where he went, how he managed to get home. He lost multiple cellphones from being so drunk. For months and months I tried my hardest to stay. I really love him and I wanted to help him.
He would say he didnt really want to get that drunk, he just gets carried away each time. I cried for so long because of his habits. I could not handle it anymore not to mention the stress and anxiety that I get when he is out there and Im left at home worrying about his safety. I honestly love this man to death. I cooked for him, cleaned, i served him the best way any great woman would do to his man.
He would always tell me he never met someone as caring, as amazing as wholesome as me. And he pains inside whenever he see me crying because of his drinking behaviour.
He tells me he is not trying to hurt me at all. But his behaviour hurts me so much. I felt if i was the best girlfriend for him why cant he stop and do things right? I cry my heart out everytime i wake up in the middle of he night soaking in his pee(this happened countless time where he would pee on the bed for being so drunk) I treated him with Kindess. I wash the sheet for him and gave him endless chances and forgave him all the time.
Until three weeks ago another incident happened that made me finally want to leave. We driove 6hours to our home from where we both work and when we got there it was already 11 at night. He sat down and watched tv over rhum and coke. After a few glasses I asked him to come to bed with me but he never came. He drank all night and another pee incident happened. I was so upset. I was so angry I cant even cry anymore. I woke him up and helped him trnasfer to the couch. I washed the sheets and slept at the spare room.
I was so mad I didnt have the interest to talk to him, I ignored him and never spoke no matter how much he tried to talk to me. He then left and went out with his friend and went 12hours straight drinking. I was livid but more worried of what is happening. I never slept, I waited for him until 3 in the morning. I called thousands of times but too drunk to even talk. Because of his drinking pattern in the past I put a tracker on his phone so I would know where he is as he doesnt know where he went or what he is doing everytime he gets blackout. What broke my heart was when i saw on the tracker that he was at the strip club for 6hours and never left until the club closed. I was crying so bad. It hurts a lot I could kill myself. 😢
After then I couldnt locate him anymore. His phone died, I waited two hours for him to come home but nothing. I decided to leave the condo to go looking for him as the club was just a block away from our unit if anything he would be somewhere closeby. But i saw him passed out at the lobby when I got out the elevator. He was totally blacked out people passing by leaving for work and they had to see me cry as I try to carry him up the elevator.
I got him inside the condo and he slept for so long. I saw his club tickets and I was totally broken hearted. I felt insulted and disrespected. After everything I gave and did that was all I get. I admit, I was hard on him about changing for the better, about quitting but I dont deserve any of the experience I was getting.
Two days after that incident he went to Japan for a short trip paid by his company. As usual all he did was drink to the point he couldnt even find his hotel anymore. I told myself thats enough, thats all I can take.
I got tired of waiting for him to change. I got tired waiting for him to love himself and show me he loves me by choosing me over his habits. I got tired of crying and hurting. Things went down the hill. I lost interest. I started being angry even when he was not drunk. The moment i see him smoke or holding a bottle of beer my blood rised up and would never want to talk to him.
Few more days after the tension was terrible. Were not the same anymore and he said I was amazing, he loves me so much and he didnt wanna hurt me anymore. He said he tried so hard but he cant be the man i want him to be. Its been a week since we last spoke. I gave everything back to him, everything he gave me I returned. Deep down in me I wish wer still together but I dont think I can do it anymore. He didnt want us to separate for good he said we should take a break to release my anger and work and talk over things. He told me he expects me to reach out should i need help. He cares and loves me and even if we are not together he will do anything to help me with whatever.
This is our second break up. I left before and stopped talking for a month but got back together and went back to the same pattern we used to be in. Wer in circles and cant get past it.
Im so down right now and still cry here and there but its been a week of no contact and I feel like im okay but when i remember him i get that pricking feeling in my chest.
I still have him in my tracker and today i checked where his location is and he is just headed to his condo which is 6hrs away from here as he was just renting a place here coz he works here. He will be on 4days off and who knows how much he will be drinking again. I just wish I ld have the courage and strenght to stop tracking him anymore and let go. For some reason I just dont feel like im ready to delete that tracker hopefully I will be be sooner than later.
I’m 27, an immigrant in Canada. Ive been here for 2 and a half years. A year and a half ago, I met my ex boyfriend. He was beautiful, he was a great person, he was very helpful and supportive of me, I thought he was the one. Among all the good qualities of him there are two major things that totally damaged our relationship.
My ex boyfriend was a heavy smoker(smokes a pack a day) and I would say a functional alchoholic. He works a lot and get paid really well. He has his own vehicle and his own apartment. I knew he was a smoker when we got together and he promised he will quit. During the time he was trying to impress me he didnt smoke for 3months after a while he went back smoking and never stopped since.
Few months later I realized that theres something wrong with his drinking. He would come home from work everynight and drink roughly 4-5 bottles of beer sometimes even more. Which was fine to me until incidents kept happening. Over the course of our relationship I already lost track of how many times he would go out with friends and get plastered drunk and totally blackout. He woul leave me worrying everytime and he would not remember what he did, where he went, how he managed to get home. He lost multiple cellphones from being so drunk. For months and months I tried my hardest to stay. I really love him and I wanted to help him.
He would say he didnt really want to get that drunk, he just gets carried away each time. I cried for so long because of his habits. I could not handle it anymore not to mention the stress and anxiety that I get when he is out there and Im left at home worrying about his safety. I honestly love this man to death. I cooked for him, cleaned, i served him the best way any great woman would do to his man.
He would always tell me he never met someone as caring, as amazing as wholesome as me. And he pains inside whenever he see me crying because of his drinking behaviour.
He tells me he is not trying to hurt me at all. But his behaviour hurts me so much. I felt if i was the best girlfriend for him why cant he stop and do things right? I cry my heart out everytime i wake up in the middle of he night soaking in his pee(this happened countless time where he would pee on the bed for being so drunk) I treated him with Kindess. I wash the sheet for him and gave him endless chances and forgave him all the time.
Until three weeks ago another incident happened that made me finally want to leave. We driove 6hours to our home from where we both work and when we got there it was already 11 at night. He sat down and watched tv over rhum and coke. After a few glasses I asked him to come to bed with me but he never came. He drank all night and another pee incident happened. I was so upset. I was so angry I cant even cry anymore. I woke him up and helped him trnasfer to the couch. I washed the sheets and slept at the spare room.
I was so mad I didnt have the interest to talk to him, I ignored him and never spoke no matter how much he tried to talk to me. He then left and went out with his friend and went 12hours straight drinking. I was livid but more worried of what is happening. I never slept, I waited for him until 3 in the morning. I called thousands of times but too drunk to even talk. Because of his drinking pattern in the past I put a tracker on his phone so I would know where he is as he doesnt know where he went or what he is doing everytime he gets blackout. What broke my heart was when i saw on the tracker that he was at the strip club for 6hours and never left until the club closed. I was crying so bad. It hurts a lot I could kill myself. 😢
After then I couldnt locate him anymore. His phone died, I waited two hours for him to come home but nothing. I decided to leave the condo to go looking for him as the club was just a block away from our unit if anything he would be somewhere closeby. But i saw him passed out at the lobby when I got out the elevator. He was totally blacked out people passing by leaving for work and they had to see me cry as I try to carry him up the elevator.
I got him inside the condo and he slept for so long. I saw his club tickets and I was totally broken hearted. I felt insulted and disrespected. After everything I gave and did that was all I get. I admit, I was hard on him about changing for the better, about quitting but I dont deserve any of the experience I was getting.
Two days after that incident he went to Japan for a short trip paid by his company. As usual all he did was drink to the point he couldnt even find his hotel anymore. I told myself thats enough, thats all I can take.
I got tired of waiting for him to change. I got tired waiting for him to love himself and show me he loves me by choosing me over his habits. I got tired of crying and hurting. Things went down the hill. I lost interest. I started being angry even when he was not drunk. The moment i see him smoke or holding a bottle of beer my blood rised up and would never want to talk to him.
Few more days after the tension was terrible. Were not the same anymore and he said I was amazing, he loves me so much and he didnt wanna hurt me anymore. He said he tried so hard but he cant be the man i want him to be. Its been a week since we last spoke. I gave everything back to him, everything he gave me I returned. Deep down in me I wish wer still together but I dont think I can do it anymore. He didnt want us to separate for good he said we should take a break to release my anger and work and talk over things. He told me he expects me to reach out should i need help. He cares and loves me and even if we are not together he will do anything to help me with whatever.
This is our second break up. I left before and stopped talking for a month but got back together and went back to the same pattern we used to be in. Wer in circles and cant get past it.
Im so down right now and still cry here and there but its been a week of no contact and I feel like im okay but when i remember him i get that pricking feeling in my chest.
I still have him in my tracker and today i checked where his location is and he is just headed to his condo which is 6hrs away from here as he was just renting a place here coz he works here. He will be on 4days off and who knows how much he will be drinking again. I just wish I ld have the courage and strenght to stop tracking him anymore and let go. For some reason I just dont feel like im ready to delete that tracker hopefully I will be be sooner than later.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR Betsy, and sorry to hear of what brings you here. I see you've posted the same message over in the Friends and Family section of our site which is where you'll find others who have been through what you are experiencing and can offer help and support. You are always welcome here in the Alcoholism forum, many of us have been on the other side of the fence as the drinker/addict that have caused much pain to our friends and families.
Unfortunately for those around an addict, there's not a much you can do to make him quit drinking. He'll need to make that decision for himself and you've gone well above and beyond what most folks would put up with. At this point i'm glad you are seeking help for yourself - that is what is most important at this point.
Unfortunately for those around an addict, there's not a much you can do to make him quit drinking. He'll need to make that decision for himself and you've gone well above and beyond what most folks would put up with. At this point i'm glad you are seeking help for yourself - that is what is most important at this point.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
As painful as it might be, the best thing you can do for yourself is to delete the tracker, have no contact with him, and move forward with your life. And as painful as it might be, the best thing you can do for him is to delete the tracker, have no contact with him, and move forward with your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Welcome Betsy,
As an alcoholic, I can't understand why someone doesn't drink to oblivion. So I suspect that a normal drinker can't understand the alcoholics need to drink. My recommendation is go to Alnon meetings and sever all ties with your ex. He won't get better until he is ready. And he might not get ready for a long time if ever.
As an alcoholic, I can't understand why someone doesn't drink to oblivion. So I suspect that a normal drinker can't understand the alcoholics need to drink. My recommendation is go to Alnon meetings and sever all ties with your ex. He won't get better until he is ready. And he might not get ready for a long time if ever.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Done4today 
Welcome Betsy,
As an alcoholic, I can't understand why someone doesn't drink to oblivion. So I suspect that a normal drinker can't understand the alcoholics need to drink. My recommendation is go to Alnon meetings and sever all ties with your ex. He won't get better until he is ready. And he might not get ready for a long time if ever.
As an alcoholic, I can't understand why someone doesn't drink to oblivion. So I suspect that a normal drinker can't understand the alcoholics need to drink. My recommendation is go to Alnon meetings and sever all ties with your ex. He won't get better until he is ready. And he might not get ready for a long time if ever.
I can't imagine how many times I have peed myself in my life must be thousands... On long haul flights, in friends houses (I even peed on someone's antique bed once) hotel rooms... The list is endless...
Do what you need to get yourself help... To overcome the hurt (and anger) you feel.. There is no normal behaviour that you listed. I wish you luck...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi Betsy. I don't think anyone should stay with an active alcoholic. Including my husband. Should I relapse this go around, I will relent to divorce. No person should live with that. Stay strong. There are other, healthier fish in the sea.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 8
Finally...
I just did myself a big favor tonight. I openned the tracker and saw his location and as usual he’s there drinking. I told myself to do myself a favor so I took him off the tracker and now there is no way I would know where he is whatsoever. I will move on from now on. I will love myself more this time.
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