treeguy24

Nothing new to really report. Still drinking. Busy with work and life, but ya that's where I'm at.

Obladi

Hey treeguy,
I'm glad you have something in you that at least wants to check in. Do you have any idea when you might plan to stop drinking? How can we help you?

treeguy24

I want to stop but I don't. The best I felt was a month ago when I was almost at two months sober and then I gave it all away. I guess I look at it as even if I do get sober, doesn't mean I'm gonna be any happier.

ScottFromWI

Do you see the contradiction in your statement above?

" The best I felt was a month ago when I was almost at two months sober"

vs.

" even if I do get sober, doesn't mean I'm gonna be any happier."

Basically your addiction will tell you literally anything to keep you drinking, even when it makes absolutely no sense at all - like what you just wrote above. You wouldn't be here on SR seeking help if you didn't know that being sober will be a better situation, right?

Obladi

True that. Abstinence is no guarantee of happiness. But it sure gives you a fighting chance you won't have if you continue drinking, no? Aren't you the one who said you were better than you'd been previously after two months sober? Oh, yeah, there it is ^ -right in black and grey-scale.

So let's pick a day. Friday? How about if Friday is your new Day 1? That gives you the weekend to be miserable all by yourself.

treeguy24

I don't want to be miserable at all.

Obladi

Who does?
But it's the only way to get through to the other side.

ScottFromWI

Then quitting is what you need to do. Alcohol makes you miserable. Sobriety make you feel good. Do you see the connection?

treeguy24

Sobriety doesn't always feel good.

But yes I see the connection. Alcohol and drugs only mask issues and thus make them worse than they are.

LastDrop

I think thats part of my problem Treeguy. I want to feel good ALL the time! Then when I do feel good I want to enhance it even more. Unfortunately feeling good 100 percent of the time is not gonna be possible even though Ive tried For so long. In the end I made myself feel worse.

ScottFromWI

Feeling "good" or being "happy" is a state of mind. Being sober is a way of life. If you are an alcoholic, you have a far better chance to achieve a good/happy life if you quit drinking .

So you are correct that being sober won't always feel good....because life itself isn't easy. But living sober at least gives you a chance to be happy. Drinking guarantees sorrow, pain and regret as a best case scenario.

treeguy24

Life as I knew it died in 2013 when I watched my grandfather lose his life in our house to cancer. At the same time my great-grandmother's health went downhill and she had to be put in a nursing home and then a few weeks of going into there she passed away. We also had to put our cat to sleep.

During all this I was probably too busy to be spending as much time as I could with them because I was stealing their pain pills and I was also battling an eating disorder. This was all during my senior year of high school. I remember visiting my great grandmother in the nursing home and going outside to do a drug deal, or binge eating and then purging in her bathroom. Or making the excuse that I didn't feel good and then going out to the car and throwing up in a bag in the backseat. All time that could've been spent with her.

I don't claim to be a victim and I never talk about this stuff because I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I don't want to appear as though I'm crying about my problems when there's other people who have their own issues.

I didn't really take in their deaths until about a year after. I stopped using opiates after they died and did real well coming back from my eating disorder, but I also kept myself real busy, almost so I didn't have to think. I started college that fall and then began experimenting with alcohol by myself. First it was just a weekend thing, then it became more frequent, and then during the following summer I drank heavily every night. I quite cold turkey and that's when the emotional rollercoaster happened and I thought I was going crazy.

Have not felt right since. I don't think about their deaths often but when I think about getting sober I think to myself that I don't feel I have any true enjoyment or satisfaction in my life so what difference does it make? I'm not depressed in the sense that I'm miserable everyday, etc., but it seems that after the initial high of whatever I got going on, whether it's some success with work or whatever, I then go back to that empty feeling. It's not very prominent but it's there. Like I said, I feel like I lost a part of myself that year because nothing has seemed right since.

The only reason I drink is because I don't have access to my drugs of choice.

Dee74

I was setting myself up for long slow decline into death - but when death finally appeared I found I wanted more life and I started fighting against the self destructive impulse in me.

I thank the Great Whoever every day for everyone of the ten and a half years I've had after that day I nearly died.

I've loved and been loved, I've had good times, and I've been through bad times too - but the peace and serenity I found in recovery helped me deal with those not good times.

I see now that my addiction just wanted its fill - it wasn't concerned with my reasons, my feelings or my self preservation.

I think you're worth fighting for Treeguy.
I hope you decide you are too.

D

Shitzupuppy

Both my parents went to hospice several years ago, separately, and while they were there, i coped by drinking. I also missed precious time to be with them and be in the present. I regret that almost everyday.

But I know that slowly killing myself with ____ will not turn back the clock. And it is not something they would want either. I forgive myself for not being then, the person I am now.

Forgive yourself and love yourself. Your grandfather and great-grandmother would want you to have the best possible life.

Obladi

treeguy,

All living things die. This is the nature of things. Hastening your death does nothing whatsoever to resolve the problems/hurts of the past. Getting sober gives you a chance to really work on what's eating you, perhaps with a counselor or therapist who specializes in substance abuse.

I tried the other way (resolve problems first, stop drinking second) for over five years and it just flat out didn't work. I'm really smart and was really unhappy - believe me, if I could've made it work in that direction, I would've found a way and made $1,000,000 publishing the book.

O

treeguy24

Well I haven't drank in quite a few days, not sure on the exact number. This victory comes at the expense though that I've been using other drugs instead. I feel like a space cadet at times. Brain fog and out of it. Anxious at times when not high. I just don't feel clear headed anymore.

I feel like I don't have motivation to get sober and clean. I'm content doing what I'm doing and it's helping me stay away from alcohol. I guess I feel like not being sober and clean helps me enjoy life more.

Stayingsassy

I used mj a lot during my last quit. I had a friend who had a bunch of it and she kept giving it to me so I used it. Whenever things were tough or j couldn’t sleep or I needed an escape I used it. I think it was natural to just slide back into drinking. I was still in escape mode, so it was just switching substances at that point.

I’m not saying its not helpful in some ways to get off alcohol, it lowers bp and stress so if that initial part is too unbearable to get through I think it can be a tool....like sugar....sugar “doped me up” kinda in the same way this time.

But until you’re off all the escape routes...the work’s not being done at least in my case.

Glad you’re off the booze at least, sometimes it’s one thing at a time.

Obladi

I respect that.
But then why did you start posting on a site named "Sober Recovery?" Is that You talking or is it Addiction talking?

O

anxiousrock

Same thing happened to me.
Saw my uncle die 3 years ago and haven’t stopped drinking since.
The last year or so I have actively been trying to be sober and for much of it I have but not for longer than 3 months at a time.
It’s tough but if we keep working, we’ll get there.

treeguy24

Been doing pretty good actually. Been still using but haven't drank in over a week I think it is (haven't been keeping track). I know replacing one habit for another isn't necessarily good, but I feel good that I have at least stopped the alcohol. Was a good work week too.

I don't know. I guess because I'm a user but I also have hope. I haven't given up on life or the things important to me. Right now using is just a part of my life.