Started drinking again
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Originally Posted by treeguy24 
Still drinking. Somewhat controlled I guess you could say, but been a very very stressful week. Hoping to catch up on some sleep and rest and maybe create some balance again.
He'd put it into cruise control - and sooner or later drive us into a ditch....
You don't need rest or sleep or anything else as much as you just need to quit the drinking, treeguy.
D
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by treeguy24
Went somewhere's around 60 days without alcohol (not sure on exact number) and then in the span of a few minutes it's like everything changed.
The beginning of my sobriety was a struggle naturally, but as I went on I became opposed to alcohol and knew I would never drink again.
Well the other day I had a dream about relapsing and that following day I was driving home from work and it's like something came over me and everything changed. I decided I wanted to start drinking again. And so I did.
I should mention that in the past month I have started my own business and have been absorbed with that and it has been stressful but it has also been my motivation to stay sober. I don't know what has changed, or why I have gone back to alcohol. My goal and dream for a while has been to own my own tree business and work as a climber, and I am now living my dream. But yet I have gone back to alcohol.
The only thing I can say is back in 2013 I lost my grandfather and great-grandmother in the span of a few months and I have never been right since. I have had an anxiety problem since, I feel like a completely different person, like I have lost touch with myself since they died.
It's almost as though since they died I chase these temporary highs, like recently it would be starting a business and being successful, but once I get used to it it's almost as though I get depressed again and that's when I may turn to substance use. I'm just very surprised that after two months when I was completely against alcohol everything has changed like that. I know it's not too late to change, but the bigger issue in my mind is not the drinking but what is driving it. I don't know...
The beginning of my sobriety was a struggle naturally, but as I went on I became opposed to alcohol and knew I would never drink again.
Well the other day I had a dream about relapsing and that following day I was driving home from work and it's like something came over me and everything changed. I decided I wanted to start drinking again. And so I did.
I should mention that in the past month I have started my own business and have been absorbed with that and it has been stressful but it has also been my motivation to stay sober. I don't know what has changed, or why I have gone back to alcohol. My goal and dream for a while has been to own my own tree business and work as a climber, and I am now living my dream. But yet I have gone back to alcohol.
The only thing I can say is back in 2013 I lost my grandfather and great-grandmother in the span of a few months and I have never been right since. I have had an anxiety problem since, I feel like a completely different person, like I have lost touch with myself since they died.
It's almost as though since they died I chase these temporary highs, like recently it would be starting a business and being successful, but once I get used to it it's almost as though I get depressed again and that's when I may turn to substance use. I'm just very surprised that after two months when I was completely against alcohol everything has changed like that. I know it's not too late to change, but the bigger issue in my mind is not the drinking but what is driving it. I don't know...
Changing
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: NJ
Posts: 120
my relapse came out of the blue after months...
we have to be always on our guard.
i was just having an ordinary day and decided to go out to lunch.
i started thinking about having a glass of wine with my lunch,
...just one, maybe two.
on the way, i got a flat tire. !
i thought, my HP is intervening and saving me right now -- so called a coworker came by and changed the tire for me.
got it and automatically like my mind was not my own, i still drove right to the restaurant and still ordered wine (2, maybe 3), drove back to work on the doughnut and finished the day, leaving early. i didn't even care. wtf? it's that strong. on the way home from work, stopped for vodka. a handle.
days later, i had to detox again and can't remember most of that week!
my relapse nearly killed me.
i never want to relapse again.
i could have killed someone else.
god even showed up and i ignored him..
sometimes i think it's the battle between good and evil.
it's like something overtook me that day.
and my other relapses were no walk in the park either.
actually they were horrifying, but i digress.
we have to be always on our guard.
i was just having an ordinary day and decided to go out to lunch.
i started thinking about having a glass of wine with my lunch,
...just one, maybe two.
on the way, i got a flat tire. !
i thought, my HP is intervening and saving me right now -- so called a coworker came by and changed the tire for me.
got it and automatically like my mind was not my own, i still drove right to the restaurant and still ordered wine (2, maybe 3), drove back to work on the doughnut and finished the day, leaving early. i didn't even care. wtf? it's that strong. on the way home from work, stopped for vodka. a handle.
days later, i had to detox again and can't remember most of that week!
my relapse nearly killed me.
i never want to relapse again.
i could have killed someone else.
god even showed up and i ignored him..
sometimes i think it's the battle between good and evil.
it's like something overtook me that day.
and my other relapses were no walk in the park either.
actually they were horrifying, but i digress.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
How are you doing today, treeguy?
I haven't been drinking every night and when I have I kept it under control which I'm grateful for. I at least don't wake up feeling like crap. But I'm not sure what's driving my urge to use again. Alcohol isn't even my first drug of choice, a few years ago I had a pain pill habit. Alcohol is just readily available and legal.
I don't know why I would purposely want to live this way. I've got a good business, I lift weights 5-6 days a week, and I'm financially comfortable but I guess something is missing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
You'll never find that missing piece in the bottom of the bottle.
Drinking is really a vote for the status quo.
Drinking is our attempt to make the intolerable tolerable - it's a vote for no action, basically.
I never changed anything when I was drinking - except maybe my life got worse.
You'll never fill that void no matter how much you drink.
You might heal it tho if you get up and start some real action.
If you want to find out whats missing - put the bottle down and go and find what's missing treeguy.
D
Drinking is really a vote for the status quo.
Drinking is our attempt to make the intolerable tolerable - it's a vote for no action, basically.
I never changed anything when I was drinking - except maybe my life got worse.
You'll never fill that void no matter how much you drink.
You might heal it tho if you get up and start some real action.
If you want to find out whats missing - put the bottle down and go and find what's missing treeguy.
D
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I searched for years for the "why," and found it repeatedly. Pain from childhood, grief, pain from adult relationships, work frustrations, etc... Five or more years later I realize that the "why" is as simple as "because I choose to escape from myself."
Not so helpful in regard to quitting as the "why drink" doesn't correlate to "why not to drink," at least in my case. But it is helpful in terms of eliminating the impossible puzzle I was trying to solve.
Not sure if that makes sense at all. I'm glad that you are still posting and working on getting through. I hear it's pretty awesome at the end of the rainbow.
O
Not so helpful in regard to quitting as the "why drink" doesn't correlate to "why not to drink," at least in my case. But it is helpful in terms of eliminating the impossible puzzle I was trying to solve.
Not sure if that makes sense at all. I'm glad that you are still posting and working on getting through. I hear it's pretty awesome at the end of the rainbow.
O
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by treeguy24
I don't know.
I haven't been drinking every night and when I have I kept it under control which I'm grateful for. I at least don't wake up feeling like crap. But I'm not sure what's driving my urge to use again. Alcohol isn't even my first drug of choice, a few years ago I had a pain pill habit. Alcohol is just readily available and legal.
I don't know why I would purposely want to live this way. I've got a good business, I lift weights 5-6 days a week, and I'm financially comfortable but I guess something is missing.
I haven't been drinking every night and when I have I kept it under control which I'm grateful for. I at least don't wake up feeling like crap. But I'm not sure what's driving my urge to use again. Alcohol isn't even my first drug of choice, a few years ago I had a pain pill habit. Alcohol is just readily available and legal.
I don't know why I would purposely want to live this way. I've got a good business, I lift weights 5-6 days a week, and I'm financially comfortable but I guess something is missing.
because youre an alcoholic with untreated alcoholism?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
I want to get myself to a point where I feel content in all areas of my life, with myself, my work, and my life in general. I feel like this feeling of satisfaction and contentment is something I've been chasing since I lost my family members.
Maybe that's why I chase these "highs", whether it's a job I'm doing or something that's going on etc. And then when it wears off I seek to fill that void.
Maybe that's why I chase these "highs", whether it's a job I'm doing or something that's going on etc. And then when it wears off I seek to fill that void.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Originally Posted by treeguy24
I want to get myself to a point where I feel content in all areas of my life, with myself, my work, and my life in general.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Originally Posted by JeffreyAK
To be direct, you'll never stop drinking if that's what you think it'll take to get there, because drinking alone gets in the way of all those things. Sometimes we think everything has to be "just so" before we can quit, or before we can drink "normally" again, but it's really a lie - it's addiction talking. It will never be just so, and we can never drink normally again, not for long.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I want to get myself to a point where I feel content in all areas of my life, with myself, my work, and my life in general. I feel like this feeling of satisfaction and contentment is something I've been chasing since I lost my family members.
Maybe that's why I chase these "highs", whether it's a job I'm doing or something that's going on etc. And then when it wears off I seek to fill that void.
Don't misunderstand me - I'm sure your grief and loss is genuine - but if you feel its debilitating. or you feel you're stuck, something like therapy will mostly likely help - but drinking will not.
The longer you put off quitting the harder it's going to get.
Originally Posted by treeguy24
I get what you're saying but I've had the same thoughts when sober as well. In this case I don't think it's addiction talking. I think it's an actual issue in itself. I think it can contribute to my using or desire to use, but I think by itself it's an issue.
Stop drinking, maybe see a professional and give it a few months - and I think you'll be surprised how much your outlook will change,
No ones better off drinking, man - no one.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 10-13-2017 at 07:05 PM.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Treeguy,
Dee’s point above is simple, yet profound: Whatever it is that’s bothering us, alcohol is no gonna fix it for us, on the contrary. BUT if we remain sober and commit to learning more life skills (through therapy, AA, meditation, you name it), we stand a better chance of living a decent, good life.
Does alcohol help:
- if there’s trouble wth the wife? Nope.
- if son won’t listen? Nope.
- if I can’t do 10 pull-ups? Nope.
- and the list goes on, it’s actually endless, lol!
Sure, we can go and hit the bottle, and the blackout will let me forget all my troubles for a night, but the next day all these problems will still be there, and I’ll be in an even worse position to actually do something about them. So the choice seems clear, at least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to.
Dee’s point above is simple, yet profound: Whatever it is that’s bothering us, alcohol is no gonna fix it for us, on the contrary. BUT if we remain sober and commit to learning more life skills (through therapy, AA, meditation, you name it), we stand a better chance of living a decent, good life.
Does alcohol help:
- if there’s trouble wth the wife? Nope.
- if son won’t listen? Nope.
- if I can’t do 10 pull-ups? Nope.
- and the list goes on, it’s actually endless, lol!
Sure, we can go and hit the bottle, and the blackout will let me forget all my troubles for a night, but the next day all these problems will still be there, and I’ll be in an even worse position to actually do something about them. So the choice seems clear, at least that’s the conclusion I’ve come to.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
treeguy
desire to use is ultimately irrelevant to using or not.
if you are waiting to understand the why of the desire, or for the desire to disappear, then you will never quit.
absence of desire is not necessary in order to quit.
desire to use is ultimately irrelevant to using or not.
if you are waiting to understand the why of the desire, or for the desire to disappear, then you will never quit.
absence of desire is not necessary in order to quit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 114
I'm not sure if this is your first relapse or how many times you've been back to day 1 but I will say you sound a lot like me the 20+ times I tried quitting drinking the last 5 years. Getting high or drunk doesn't solve anything it only worsens it. If you truly want to recover and get peace with your grandparents passing then you need to do it sober. You need to go and visit their grave and spend some time with them. Your grandparents wouldn't want you suffering and feeling bad about their passing or poisoning yourself, they are looking down at you seeing you in pain and it's hurting them. Your loved ones that pass want you to be happy, alcohol is never a solution or substance that will lead to happiness, it will only get worse.
In the short time I've been sober I've come to acceptance of MANY terrible things I've done and that have happened to me. I saw my 35 year old brother in an open casket last year after he died in a motorcycle crash that nearly decapitated him. I sure as sh** didn't come to acceptance of that while I was drinking, I am slowly being at peace about it and it adds strength towards my sobriety instead of being drunk & miserable.
The road might be long. The journey might be challenging and full of dangers. Take a rest, if you must, but never turn back. Your very next step can be your moment of triumph. Your very next battle can be your greatest victory.
In the short time I've been sober I've come to acceptance of MANY terrible things I've done and that have happened to me. I saw my 35 year old brother in an open casket last year after he died in a motorcycle crash that nearly decapitated him. I sure as sh** didn't come to acceptance of that while I was drinking, I am slowly being at peace about it and it adds strength towards my sobriety instead of being drunk & miserable.
The road might be long. The journey might be challenging and full of dangers. Take a rest, if you must, but never turn back. Your very next step can be your moment of triumph. Your very next battle can be your greatest victory.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
I first started using alcohol after they died after a brief period of sobriety after stopping opiates.
It didn't become a full blown habit until a little later on, and then I got myself sober for a good 2.5 years and then started up again last December. Went until July and then got sober and made it almost 60 days and then about three weeks ago started again.
So ya I've been up and down up and down.
It didn't become a full blown habit until a little later on, and then I got myself sober for a good 2.5 years and then started up again last December. Went until July and then got sober and made it almost 60 days and then about three weeks ago started again.
So ya I've been up and down up and down.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi treeguy,
I've also suffered from depression or low spots whether sober or drinking. In my case, it turns out that I have mood disorders in addition to alcohol abuse disorder. No surprise to me - I've been telling "these people" (therapists) for years that I've been low pretty much all of my life.
I thought that I needed to resolve that stuff (the making me feel down stuff) before I could let go of the booze. Otherwise, what was the point of stopping, right? Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Substances mess with our wiring and hinder our heeling. This is practical and sensible and I'm sure you already know it.
Here's the thing: Recovery is hard work. And it's an inside job. And it's confusing as all get-out sometimes and boring other times and for the most part immediate gratification is not a thing. With the help of a substance abuse specialist, medication, group therapy (IOP), AA meetings, a sponsor, and a daily schedule that leaves no room for drinking, I'm seeing some progress.
And that beats the crap out of remorse, shame, guilt, lying and manipulating.
Just my take on things... I'm not convinced all of this is going to pay off but I'm sure as hell convinced the other way won't.
I've also suffered from depression or low spots whether sober or drinking. In my case, it turns out that I have mood disorders in addition to alcohol abuse disorder. No surprise to me - I've been telling "these people" (therapists) for years that I've been low pretty much all of my life.
I thought that I needed to resolve that stuff (the making me feel down stuff) before I could let go of the booze. Otherwise, what was the point of stopping, right? Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Substances mess with our wiring and hinder our heeling. This is practical and sensible and I'm sure you already know it.
Here's the thing: Recovery is hard work. And it's an inside job. And it's confusing as all get-out sometimes and boring other times and for the most part immediate gratification is not a thing. With the help of a substance abuse specialist, medication, group therapy (IOP), AA meetings, a sponsor, and a daily schedule that leaves no room for drinking, I'm seeing some progress.
And that beats the crap out of remorse, shame, guilt, lying and manipulating.
Just my take on things... I'm not convinced all of this is going to pay off but I'm sure as hell convinced the other way won't.
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