PaintMePatient

My partner absolutely HATES that I have started going to Al-Anon. He can't give me a good reason why. Do any of you have experience with this? I think he's probably afraid that someone will tell me to leave him. His drinking and resistance to getting help has done a darned good job of arguing that point of view already. The meetings have given me hope that our relationship can survive, help me to separate him from the drinking, remind me to be compassionate and are helping me to release the infernal obsession with his drinking that has plagued me for the last 2 years. I don't think he understands this even though I have clearly communicated it to him.

Can anyone help me see/understand what else might be motivating this reaction?

biminiblue

I think you need to look at your reaction to his reaction.

The thing about Al Anon is that you focus on you - not mind-reading your Alcoholic, or anyone else. Focus on doing things that are good for you, and trying to figure out someone else isn't good for you and is a fool's errand.

Under it all is fear. That's the emotion, but how you deal with it is the important thing.

ChloeRose63

I was not upset but, when I found the pamplets on his desk I knew I had major problem that was affecting everyone around me. I was scared of what I had done to the people I love.

PaintMePatient

My reaction to his reaction is simple. I can't change the way he feels, I am not going to argue about it, I have found comfort and hope there, and I am going to work on me.

I asked the question because I think perspective matters, and I'm trying to gain some from those who may have had this experience themselves.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR PaintMePatient. Good for you for seeking help through Al-Anon and also for coming here to ask for help. You'll find a lot of support and understanding here, we also have a friends and family of alcoholics forum you may want to check out - but you are always welcome here.

To your question, it's his addiction motivating the reaction plain and simple. Anything that might call his drinking into question is going to be viewed as a threat. It really doesn't matter how many times you explain it to him - in fact he'll probably just get more agitated each time. Addiction is not logical, and it's also quite selfish.

To an active alcoholic, drinking is the number one priority in their life - even above family/friends/work/etc. That's not to say that he will always be that way - you will read about many here on SR who have recovered.

PaintMePatient

Thank you, ScottfromWI for the warm welcome. I read almost daily here and on the friends and family forum. I guess I'm only now starting to find my voice again.

I read here and the Big Book daily because there are aspects of the way I drink and respond to alcohol that now send up warning signs that I don't want to ignore. Though I don't drink often now, there have been times in the past where I have drank pretty heavily. I notice now that if I do drink, I drink for the effect, guzzle the first drink especially, and it takes next to no time for me to move on to another. Basically, I think that the switch that right now allows me to stop (even though I don't really want to), could very easily stop working. It feels safest for me to not drink, so I am doing my best not to, and honestly sometimes that is a struggle.

Your explanation about the addiction talking and feeling threatened makes sense and rings true.

Smarie78

Many of us experienced this, and I would say it is mostly to do with the fact that you are disrupting the toxic dance of the addict and codependent. When one person decides to get help, it is a sign that they are willing to change. If your qualifier is not ready to accept recovery, why would he want to see you getting better? If you follow your own recovery path from codependency, you will stop enabling the addict and start taking care of yourself. This disrupts the life of the untreated addict because as you get better, you will gain more clarity and stop allowing his antics to impact your life. This means he either will be forced to change and accept recovery or he will have to find someone else to enable his problem (fyi this is NOT to say you want your own recovery to manipulate him to change, that isn't why you go, nor would it even work for that purpose). Your qualifier is threatened by your treatment because it means you are gaining independence from his disease. If he is not ready to embrace true recovery, this is going to trouble him because he no longer has a dance partner. I started to do the same thing and he hated it. But he hated it because he wasn't ready to get better and watching me get better made him realize that we weren't going to do this anymore, stay in our comfortable dysfunction. That was the problem. We were both comfortable in our misery. Someone had to change. Unless he is ready to change, that anger toward you is going to be there. And the more you gain in recovery, the more you will not care whether it does and keep moving toward your own path.

LeeJane

My AH wasn't at all pleased about me going to Al-anon. He thought they were going to tell me to leave him!!

It's not like that at all, of course.

Maudcat

Hi, Paint MePatient.
I think your husband's reaction is not at all an uncommon one.
Lots of reasons: they hate behavior change in loved ones. They like things and relationships to stay just the way they are.
So they can drink.
Sometimes, and it sounds like this may true for your husband, they are already defensive about their drinking, and they are afraid you are going to ratchet up your pushback against it.
Or, they think you will leave them because of Al-Anon.
So your spouse is a whole bunch of unhappy right now.
But that is not your problem, yeah?
If Al-Anon helps you, keep going. It is an immensely valuable fellowship for people troubled by a loved one's drinking.
I think in time your spouse will settle down about it.
And if he doesn't, oh, well.
Good luck and good thoughts.

Pathwaytofree

Mine didn't want to go to Alanon because he's very private, but every now and then (now that I'm recovered and see things more clearly), I'll mention it to him.

However if the roles were reversed, I admit I would probably be angry. Out of fear. Completely bat-sh*t frightened of what he was saying about me to perfect strangers and about what they were telling him to do. I'd be a basket case that I was being utterly misunderstood and misperceived. I would worry that Alanon meetings were just you all bad mouthing us for an hour, and that you all don't understand alcoholism, etc, etc.

Maybe he needs to hear that your going to Alanon is similar to his going to AA. That it's for you to work on you, and you're not going there to bad mouth him. Perhaps that'll help him to relax a bit.

Know that anger is a secondary emotion and there's usually fear going on underneath it.

PaintMePatient

Thanks, everyone. I truly appreciate all of your kind words and insights, very valuable.

I definitely think that he thinks I'm there to badmouth and complain. He's very private as well, and this tendency toward secrecy is amplified exponentially by the disease. That this is private business that should be kept between us is something he has voiced.

If he were actually going to AA, I think he would get that this is about me, not him, but he doesn't want to go. He thinks it's a matter of will power alone.

Right now he's mad because he "has quit" and "doesn't drink anymore", but I still went to my meeting last night. Well, he's on day two now, and I think that's great and have told him so. I told him I fully support his decision to stop drinking. I left it at that and when he started again about how disrespectful it is to him and our relationship for me to keep going, I just said, "I do respect you and our relationship. The meetings are about respecting myself." Then I went to cook dinner.
If only those words, "I quit", uttered for the who knows how many hundredth time, and two days white knuckling it, could erase two years of disfunction, that would completely eliminate the need for all sorts of therapy!

Stayingsassy

I agree with smarie: I would like my spouse to go to Al-anon and was just thinking of recommending it because I am ready. I don't think he would go, though.

Maudcat

I think the single biggest misperception about Al-Anon is that people think its members sit around talking about the drinkers in their lives.
I used to chair newcomer's meetings for my group, and that came up all the time.
Yes, people do talk about their drinker at times.
Mostly newcomers who feel they have to tell their story.
But it happens far less than those outside the group think.
Al-Anon is a fellowship for people troubled by a loved one's drinking.
It's a way for people to find serenity in the chaos of an alcoholic relationship, and to gain strength and clarity from others' experiences.
I learned so much in Al-Anon, not just about coping with the drinker in my life, but about coping with life itself.
Peace.

Gottalife

Your going to Alanon might annoy him, but overall I believe it will have a positive effect for both of you.

I remember hearing a recovered alcoholic say the following " when SHE went to Alanon, MY life changed"

I think that is a reflection of my experience, when people ceased enabling, they helped me towards recovery.

DayTrader

Most alkies don't want anyone around them doing any better than they are. So ya, it could be upsetting to him but that sure as hell doesn't carry any weight with why you shouldn't go. To the contrary, it probably further solidifies that you're going for exactly the right reason.

Maudcat

It's good that your spouse is not drinking.
Not sure will power alone is enough to keep him sober, though.
Sad to say.
Without a recovery program, chances of relapse increase.
Al-Anon can help a lot should that happen.

PaintMePatient

Oh, of that I am certain. I gave him a Big Book about 3 months ago as well as a copy of 24 hours a day. I'm the only one who uses those right now though, haha. I also got two great apps on my phone one with AA speakers, another with Al-Anon speakers. They both have12 step studies and guided meditations too, which is awesome.

He relapsed last night, I slept in the space I carved out for myself after finally getting fed up of being woke up 15 times a night for whatever reason seemed like a good one to him at that time. I used the guided meditation to relax the knot in my gut and fell asleep easily.

Today I'm just keeping busy at work, celebrating national coffee day, and trying REALLY HARD to keep my spoon in my own bowl. Fighting off urges to drink myself, too. That's the biggest thing screwing with me right now. I try to use that experience and the internal tug of war that I am experiencing to gain a little deeper compassion for what he's going through.

nez

I felt that it was pointing the finger of blame at me. That was the way I felt and my thinking before I found recovery.

swlnyc2017

No I wasn't....she needed to...not just because of my BS but other stuff. We're not together anymore, she needed to let go of me because I just was not getting my act together....this disease really rips lives apart. Alanon is a great program, I need it to...but I need to get my AA stuff together first

NYCDoglvr

His feelings are his problem, not yours. You're saving your own life, getting the help you need. Does he care how you feel about being around a drunk?