I just don't know...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 10
I just don't know...
Most of you I suspect will diagnose this as "a stage" of my alcoholism. It probably is. After all, we wouldnt label things if they weren't common or didn't happen frequently.
Where to begin. (?)
I bought a 750 of Absolut this morning at 10am. This isnt a too common occurrence, but previously to that I would "combine" a trip to the corner store and buy a 12 pack with some other trip... grocery store, whatever. I stopped drinking beer for two reasons, I don't like being fat and I dont like the full feeling it gives me. (Im not fat, just dont want to be). So clue #1, I've stopped drinking beer because I was slamming a 12 pack every 1 or 1.5 days. Now I switched to Vodka. Cleaner choice... right? Simpler. Not as many bottles, not as much smell. Hopefully won't bloat me as much.
I suppose this is the first sign of a downward trip. Yeah, I felt pretty icky going to the liquor store this morning. A voice in the back of my head said woah... 4 years ago if you had driven to the liquor store at 10am you would have thought you were crazy. Today it seemed normal. Yes, this is literally the first day I have done this... I suppose I recognize it as a marker. Something is changing.
I'm half way through it. I've been working the entire time. I have compiled a QBR ********** deck(quarterly business review...32 slides), I've attended 4 conference calls. I've driven to get my wife and daughter lunch. I've answered several emails... (and I've written this post) all coherently. All... just fine. This is the way it's been for years. 5.5 to be exact. I have a decent job, good probably by alot of standards. I am able to maintain... I am very good at my job.
But, yes. I'm an alcoholic. There are probably many reasons why. My job and the people at my job drink heavily. I suppose that's what "enabled" it all. Before you know it, I'm drinking local microbrews in the hotel chilled at 38 degrees, about 4 a night... and my god they are refreshing. Expense it all so I dont pay for any of it. Helps me sleep. Is fun with the people I'm traveling with. Good reward for a hard day. I travel at least every other week. And YUP I drink every night I travel.
Next thing... 3 years later or so... I drink at home, I drink during the day when I'm working from my home office. It's easy, and I can do it.
5 or 6 years later... here I am buying a 750 of vodka (not even good vodka.... if I was expensing it I would have certainly gone for the ketel one or titos) at 10am.
The worst part is. I don't care.
Yeah, I am able to cope. Yeah, I've had fights with my wife about this. At first I denied I was an alcoholic. I grew up around alcoholics who were drunks, ... ****** excuses for humans. I'm not that. Besides... I'm 37 freaking years old and I will have a drink if I want to.
But I guess slowly I realize there is an issue.
Still... I don't care. And yes, I'm sorry if I've offended you guys by saying I dont care and I dont want to quit. Why am I posting here? Because I envy you I guess...... you guys took the step to say enough is enough.
In 2003 my first son died. He lived about an hour. In 2007 my second passed. We spent 6 days in the hospital with him and he lived around... 6 days.
Outside of that, I've done an amazing job raising my family.
But......
I've noticed something change. You know the feeling you get when say, you look 5 years or 10 years into the future. You "see" something that is there. You have hope..... for what is to come.
I noticed after the second instance that I have not had that feeling in over 10 years. I live..... for today. That's it. And sometimes I like it, most days I dont. I literally.... do not care what happens today or tomorrow. I am very good at wearing a mask, acting.... well... not really acting, its more like being there for people. Sometimes it's being what people expect me to be. Whatever.
The point is......... I remember that feeling. I was a good person... innocent almost. I wanted the best for everyone. I looked at the future and I could see it.
Now......... sigh.
I dont know how to explain this. I just don't see it anymore.
Okay I'm tired of typing. But this is the point. I don't see it anymore, and I think that's a big reason I don't care. I don't mind... if I'm a stereotype. I don't mind if I'm heading for a cliff I'm going to fall off of. Really all I want is just, this is what I want and I'm going to have that. Everything else.... collided with destiny, you see...?
Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.
I wish all of you, so much success and good will. I envy and praise you for your bravery. Yes.. I'm likely going to be one of the ones that don't make it, but that's okay.
Where to begin. (?)
I bought a 750 of Absolut this morning at 10am. This isnt a too common occurrence, but previously to that I would "combine" a trip to the corner store and buy a 12 pack with some other trip... grocery store, whatever. I stopped drinking beer for two reasons, I don't like being fat and I dont like the full feeling it gives me. (Im not fat, just dont want to be). So clue #1, I've stopped drinking beer because I was slamming a 12 pack every 1 or 1.5 days. Now I switched to Vodka. Cleaner choice... right? Simpler. Not as many bottles, not as much smell. Hopefully won't bloat me as much.
I suppose this is the first sign of a downward trip. Yeah, I felt pretty icky going to the liquor store this morning. A voice in the back of my head said woah... 4 years ago if you had driven to the liquor store at 10am you would have thought you were crazy. Today it seemed normal. Yes, this is literally the first day I have done this... I suppose I recognize it as a marker. Something is changing.
I'm half way through it. I've been working the entire time. I have compiled a QBR ********** deck(quarterly business review...32 slides), I've attended 4 conference calls. I've driven to get my wife and daughter lunch. I've answered several emails... (and I've written this post) all coherently. All... just fine. This is the way it's been for years. 5.5 to be exact. I have a decent job, good probably by alot of standards. I am able to maintain... I am very good at my job.
But, yes. I'm an alcoholic. There are probably many reasons why. My job and the people at my job drink heavily. I suppose that's what "enabled" it all. Before you know it, I'm drinking local microbrews in the hotel chilled at 38 degrees, about 4 a night... and my god they are refreshing. Expense it all so I dont pay for any of it. Helps me sleep. Is fun with the people I'm traveling with. Good reward for a hard day. I travel at least every other week. And YUP I drink every night I travel.
Next thing... 3 years later or so... I drink at home, I drink during the day when I'm working from my home office. It's easy, and I can do it.
5 or 6 years later... here I am buying a 750 of vodka (not even good vodka.... if I was expensing it I would have certainly gone for the ketel one or titos) at 10am.
The worst part is. I don't care.
Yeah, I am able to cope. Yeah, I've had fights with my wife about this. At first I denied I was an alcoholic. I grew up around alcoholics who were drunks, ... ****** excuses for humans. I'm not that. Besides... I'm 37 freaking years old and I will have a drink if I want to.
But I guess slowly I realize there is an issue.
Still... I don't care. And yes, I'm sorry if I've offended you guys by saying I dont care and I dont want to quit. Why am I posting here? Because I envy you I guess...... you guys took the step to say enough is enough.
In 2003 my first son died. He lived about an hour. In 2007 my second passed. We spent 6 days in the hospital with him and he lived around... 6 days.
Outside of that, I've done an amazing job raising my family.
But......
I've noticed something change. You know the feeling you get when say, you look 5 years or 10 years into the future. You "see" something that is there. You have hope..... for what is to come.
I noticed after the second instance that I have not had that feeling in over 10 years. I live..... for today. That's it. And sometimes I like it, most days I dont. I literally.... do not care what happens today or tomorrow. I am very good at wearing a mask, acting.... well... not really acting, its more like being there for people. Sometimes it's being what people expect me to be. Whatever.
The point is......... I remember that feeling. I was a good person... innocent almost. I wanted the best for everyone. I looked at the future and I could see it.
Now......... sigh.
I dont know how to explain this. I just don't see it anymore.
Okay I'm tired of typing. But this is the point. I don't see it anymore, and I think that's a big reason I don't care. I don't mind... if I'm a stereotype. I don't mind if I'm heading for a cliff I'm going to fall off of. Really all I want is just, this is what I want and I'm going to have that. Everything else.... collided with destiny, you see...?
Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.
I wish all of you, so much success and good will. I envy and praise you for your bravery. Yes.. I'm likely going to be one of the ones that don't make it, but that's okay.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
I have felt like you describe many times....for months and months on end. The not caring, one way or another, was mostly a function of the drinking. When I finally had to quit because my body just couldn't it take anymore, I started to care again. And that was actually very hard. Honestly I quit because I has to. However, I have stayed sober because I started caring again. I started to care about what happened next.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by DarklingSong 
I have felt like you describe many times....for months and months on end. The not caring, one way or another, was mostly a function of the drinking. When I finally had to quit because my body just couldn't it take anymore, I started to care again. And that was actually very hard. Honestly I quit because I has to. However, I have stayed sober because I started caring again. I started to care about what happened next.
I know, it's probably cliche for me to be saying what I'm saying. I guess that's okay with me. Honestly, I just want to live day to day. I feel good when I drink. If I wind up in a hospital next year and I die, to be 200% honest with you.... I'm okay with that. That's disgusting to say, but if I'm being honest that's how I feel right now....
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
Or you do care. Your are intelligent enough to see what it could look like in ten years but don't care to consider it because of the influence that will have on your next drink.
Part of you doesn't care , because that part does care but only about the next drink, after all it feels good, now .
I bet you do care, tell the other part to bugger off.
Learning about AVRT/RR helped me to tell that other part to stop stopping the caring. Great threads on those ideas here on SR in the Secular Connections forum, your feelings aren't unique in the sense that they do perfectly describe addiction.
wish you well and hope to see you around
Part of you doesn't care , because that part does care but only about the next drink, after all it feels good, now .
I bet you do care, tell the other part to bugger off.
Learning about AVRT/RR helped me to tell that other part to stop stopping the caring. Great threads on those ideas here on SR in the Secular Connections forum, your feelings aren't unique in the sense that they do perfectly describe addiction.
wish you well and hope to see you around
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Corywh.......I can't just read your post and move on. First of all hi and welcome to SR. When you're ready (and believe me one day you will) I truly hope you use this wonderful site to achieve and maintain the holy grail of long term sobriety. Your post isn't for me shocking or offensive in any way. It's pure AV. You're 37? Yeah I was the same at 37. I knew what I was but I didn't want to do anything about it. I loved drinking even though I knew it had control over me. Thing is it progresses. Yeah people told me that too and I nodded my head. Didn't care. Think about what that actually means. Today you've noticed a change (the vodka). Tip of the iceberg. Once it's got you past a certain point it only gets worse and worse. And you WILL care. Maybe try watching the documentary "Rain in my Heart" as a little glimpse of where it'll take you. I'm sorry I'm not normally so direct but I do feel very strongly about the insidious nature of alcoholism.
I'm 45 now. Alcoholic drinking for 15 years. To be honest on paper to the outside world I didn't lose anything.......oh but I did. We all do.
I was once told by a fellow alcoholic in recovery that alcoholism wants only 1 thing. To see you dead "if you're lucky" by that she meant dead after it's destroyed every other thing you care about and taken your sanity along the way.
Stick around. Read around. Look at that bleak future you claim to be okay with. That's your addiction talking its petrified you might actually care about yourself enough to get sober.
Yeah get sober. Do that! It's brilliant!
I wish you well please take care xxx
I'm 45 now. Alcoholic drinking for 15 years. To be honest on paper to the outside world I didn't lose anything.......oh but I did. We all do.
I was once told by a fellow alcoholic in recovery that alcoholism wants only 1 thing. To see you dead "if you're lucky" by that she meant dead after it's destroyed every other thing you care about and taken your sanity along the way.
Stick around. Read around. Look at that bleak future you claim to be okay with. That's your addiction talking its petrified you might actually care about yourself enough to get sober.
Yeah get sober. Do that! It's brilliant!
I wish you well please take care xxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
You are absolutely right...this sounds like the marker for a new cliff you are about to fall off.
I absolutely identify with you when you say you don't really care. Believe it or not...that is an absolutely classic sign of alcoholism. Not necessarily wanting to die...but not really caring if you do. That too.
I understand that me saying this might not make any difference to how you feel about it.
Try as hard as you can to remain honest with yourself. Any glimmer of recognition of the terminal path you're on...any glimmer of desire to step off it...jump on that for everything your life is worth...reach out and get some help.
You're right to recognise this is not going to end well for you unless you change course. Many here can testify to that.
You don't have to follow this course though. There's a way out. Stick around
P
I absolutely identify with you when you say you don't really care. Believe it or not...that is an absolutely classic sign of alcoholism. Not necessarily wanting to die...but not really caring if you do. That too.
I understand that me saying this might not make any difference to how you feel about it.
Try as hard as you can to remain honest with yourself. Any glimmer of recognition of the terminal path you're on...any glimmer of desire to step off it...jump on that for everything your life is worth...reach out and get some help.
You're right to recognise this is not going to end well for you unless you change course. Many here can testify to that.
You don't have to follow this course though. There's a way out. Stick around
P
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Why am I posting here? Because I envy you I guess...... you guys took the step to say enough is enough.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
Hi corywh
I didn't care either - what I didn't realise was that apathy was part of the addiction.
Its like the frog in the saucepan.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...dont-frog.html (Don't be the Frog)
It took me (literally) nearly dying to wake me up - I really don't recommend that.
I'm alive and well but with health problems I'm stuck with forever
Alcoholism is progressive.
This addiction will kill you, but probably not before it wrecks your career and your family first.
You can wake up now and save yourself a lot of grief, Cory.
D
I didn't care either - what I didn't realise was that apathy was part of the addiction.
Its like the frog in the saucepan.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...dont-frog.html (Don't be the Frog)
It took me (literally) nearly dying to wake me up - I really don't recommend that.
I'm alive and well but with health problems I'm stuck with forever
Alcoholism is progressive.
This addiction will kill you, but probably not before it wrecks your career and your family first.
You can wake up now and save yourself a lot of grief, Cory.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Hi Cory. It kind of seems like you do care; and you care very much. I am so sorry about your children you lost. I can't relate to that as I haven't experienced losing a child but I know how loss embeds itself in our souls and it always remains in us. The endless raw ache.
I know you don't seem interested in getting sober, but may you do? Maybe don't die from alcoholism? People make cavalier comments about dying from alcoholism; as if you just lie down and go to sleep. Not quite so simple or painless. Not for you and not for anyone around. It's ugly, long, painful, expensive, you'll lose your mind along the way and everything else. And you might change your mind as you're dying but it will be too late.
Just try. For yourself.
I know you don't seem interested in getting sober, but may you do? Maybe don't die from alcoholism? People make cavalier comments about dying from alcoholism; as if you just lie down and go to sleep. Not quite so simple or painless. Not for you and not for anyone around. It's ugly, long, painful, expensive, you'll lose your mind along the way and everything else. And you might change your mind as you're dying but it will be too late.
Just try. For yourself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
