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Will my ex boyfriend get help for his alcoholism?



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Will my ex boyfriend get help for his alcoholism?

Old 09-24-2017, 04:53 PM
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Unhappy Will my ex boyfriend get help for his alcoholism?

I am new here and desperately seeking help. I lost my virginity to my ex. I am 23 years old now, but we were in a two year relationship. He was perfect, but he had an alcohol problem that really ruined our relationship. He cheated, he abused me severely. It was mental and emotional abuse. He was never physical. He got sober recently because I couldn't take the abuse, lies, and deceit. He would drink a case or more of beer a day. He was a functioning alcoholic who is also a CDL Class A Truck Driver. He never drank on the job, but when he came home from work, he would have to at least have 10 beers at night (it was always double digits). On the weekends when he was off he went hog wild, and had a case or more of beer in a day.

It was taking a toll on me and he clearly had a problem. He was in and out of psych wards and was diagnosed with Bipolar. He went to a rehab for 12 days and quit because he missed me, I profusely told him to NOT do that. Well he was awesome sober. He wasn't cheating, wasn't mentally abusive at all. He was quiet, but rational, and calm. I liked it alot, and thought everything would be fine. Well, he purposely got into fights with me, just so he could relapse. He relapsed multiple times.

I went through so much with him, and tried so HARD to get him set up with a psych doctor that would work around his crazy truck driving schedule. I worked hard and financially supported him till he was able to get on his own two feet. I emotionally supported him and never left his side. I did so much for him and loved him so much.

I have trauma now from the insults and emotional abuse from his drinking. He insulted me so bad that it destroyed me. I now fear alcohol. When he relapsed I told him "I am out of your life, you threw everything away for your alcohol and your disease." I never did this before where I went no contact on him. I told him in a letter how much his alcohol abuse destroyed me and my self image. I actually thought we were rebuilding in a good way when he was sober because he wasn't the same person. I told him "you were loving and awesome! I finally was happy!"

He has been taking a toll on me. I am holding onto hope that if I stay away, he'll hate that I am away and go to rehab and get help. I know I should just move on, but it's like I am holding onto hope. He keeps messing with my head saying he doesn't want me, to contacting my mother to beg for me to talk to him, to contacting me and telling me how much he loves me and no other woman will compare. I said "Go to rehab." He said "I have a really good job. I can't go. I would if my job wasn't a high paying job and something I actually like for once." He said "What if I just stop? Will you come back to me?" I said "NO! We did that before and you relapsed, you need help." He said "I am sorry. I love you, but I can't. Meds don't work, and I want to be me. I have a good job and I won't lose it for rehab." I said "Fine. I respect your decision. I will no longer keep in touch with you. Don't call me unless you are in a rehab, but you made up your mind and I can't force you to do anything. I won't be apart of your life." He then texted me saying I am controlling and I am not worth it.

I am in limbo. He text me today a very loving message, but then called me. I declined it, and he left a voicemail. On the voicemail was a song by 10 Years called "Fix me". The song is clearly about him being content with how he is and he doesn't want anybody to fix him and change him. I am not trying to change him, I clearly gave him two options. Either go to rehab, and I will be in your life, or don't go to rehab, but I won't be apart of your life. I didn't force him, nor do I want him forced to go. I want HIM to want it. I keep thinking by me being away from him he'll eventually decide this wasn't wise and get help. I feel like he's emotionally abusing me even being away from me. He goes from being very cruel, to very loving, to saying "You can't control me anymore." I am like "Ok, do what you want. I am not controlling you." He keeps claiming it's because of his job why he won't go to rehab. I understand he has an excellent job, but he has to understand his disease and how it is going to kill him. Can I get some opinions on this? I hate that I am holding onto hope and not fully letting go. Because he's a beautiful person sober and that's the man I love. I know he is better than this, but his emotional abuse is torturing me.
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Old 09-24-2017, 05:26 PM
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He must want to get sober for himself. It will not work any other way. You should go "no contact" immediately. Back up your ultimatum. Change your phone number and block any other forms of contact. You must protect yourself first and foremost. Good luck
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Old 09-25-2017, 05:01 AM
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Originally Posted by HTown View Post
He must want to get sober for himself. It will not work any other way. You should go "no contact" immediately. Back up your ultimatum. Change your phone number and block any other forms of contact. You must protect yourself first and foremost. Good luck
Thank you for your reply. I understand he has to want it, and I'm going no contact on him. He's the one calling me and texting me, but I'm not responding. I don't want to block him because like I said, I'm holding onto hope that he'll hate that I'm away from him and go to rehab. I told him I would be in his life if he were to go to rehab. So of I blocked him, I would never know. I guess that's why I'm on here, desperately seeking help. I don't know much about alcoholism. Thanks again for replying.
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Old 09-25-2017, 05:12 AM
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You really need to cut the link to him. I understand you cannot, but it is only hurting you. If you are serious about wanting him in rehab, stand up for yourself and cut him out of your life. Walk away. When and if he sobers up, he can find you.

There is a friends and family forum here too, you should read a bit there. There are alot of helpful tips for loving an alcoholic. Alcohol destroys relationships, lives and careers. It is horrible.
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Old 09-25-2017, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe05 View Post
Thank you for your reply. I understand he has to want it, and I'm going no contact on him. He's the one calling me and texting me, but I'm not responding. I don't want to block him because like I said, I'm holding onto hope that he'll hate that I'm away from him and go to rehab. I told him I would be in his life if he were to go to rehab. So of I blocked him, I would never know. I guess that's why I'm on here, desperately seeking help. I don't know much about alcoholism. Thanks again for replying.
It's a very difficult situation to be in BrunetteBabe, I'm glad you've come here to seek help. Most addicts don't even understand their addiction while they are actively using/drinking, and it's even harder for those from the outside to understand - impossible really.

If he truly wants to get sober he will need to do it for himself, not for those around him. Using the possibility of your return to him could certainly be a possible motivator, but the change really has to come from inside him if it is going to last.

I would consider blocking his calls as well - they are really a continued form of abuse. If your relationship is truly meant to be, there are other ways he will be able to contact you down the road. Remember that Rehab itself is not a magic fix for alcoholism either - it's a beginning. It can take weeks/months/years after rehab for people to be healthy enough to return to a relationship.

You may want to check out our Friends and Family of alcoholics forum too, although you are always welcome here too.
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Old 09-25-2017, 07:13 AM
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Hold to your guns.
Your terms offered are good ones.

It's sad but, when it comes down to making a choice, usually the drunk will chose the booze. Had a nice girlfriend once who laid it on the line to me. I chose the liquid devil and told her that she needed to move out.

M-Bob
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Old 09-25-2017, 07:20 AM
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Alcohol is my husband's mistress and it seems like he chooses her over me every time. Your boundaries are fair and if he doesn't want to get help for himself, that's on him. Is he a diagnosed bipolar? He does need to be on meds if he is. A lot of times people with mental illness will self medicate with alcohol or other illegal substances because they think taking medication for a mental problem makes them "crazy". I guess there is still a stigma.

Now...you need to work on YOU. You are not broken, just dinged up. (I say this lovingly) Start working on putting your life back together, with no contingencies of your happiness or self worth being based on what he or anyone else thinks or says to you. You need to be your best friend right now. ((HUGS))

Last edited by LovePeaceSushi; 09-25-2017 at 07:21 AM. Reason: Grammer error
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Old 09-25-2017, 07:36 AM
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Really good - but difficult to hear and act on- advice above.

I'll contribute two things:
I was in a live in relationship with a serious alcoholic- like me- who became abusive. Looking back, he was an emotional manipulator from the start and there were signs he would probably graduate to some kind of abuse. Somehow, I found the strength to leave- despite my own continued drinking- before the physical abuse got "bad" but didn't go no contact like I promised myself and my parents, who helped me move out etc. Things escalated and I had to get a restraining order which he violated repeatedly, go to court, and such. It was not worth it.

Fast forward a few years and I finally got sober FOR ME. Nobody important to me or even incidental to my life could do it "for me," and it was the best decision I ever made (I am just past 19 mo sober). AND I now have an amazing relationship (with a sober man) that I DESERVE.

My heart goes out to you - I know I put people who loved me through a lot of pain, though not exactly like your situation. Along the way of my alcoholism, I gave lip service to loving people because my actions were harmful more of the time than they were loving.

There is support for those of us on the alcoholic side and not- please do check out the forums for loved ones and look into IRL ways for help and moving forward taking care of yourself.
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Old 09-25-2017, 08:46 AM
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You need to run now! Actually you need to run to the next AlAnon meeting you can find. This may sound harsh until you understand through treatment, but you are sick and need help. Normal people don't live like this or tolerate behavior like this. You are doing both because of your own problems. Please get away from this mess and get your own help because that is the only thing you can do.
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Old 09-25-2017, 12:46 PM
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You may find it helpful to post on Friends & Family forum. What you describe is not unlike the stories you will read. Please know that you cannot love someone into sobriety. I've tried (and failed) for years. So have all others. An addict in active addiction is nowhere near able to be a real partner to you in a healthy and normal relationship. They need to want sobriety for themselves. It truly is an inside job and nothing you do can change that. He isn't going to rehab not because of his job, but because he isn't ready to quit yet. These are all excuses he tells you. When someone is ready to get sober not a damn thing will get in their way. You are very young and still have a wonderful life ahead of you. Let him find what he truly wants in terms of sobriety. If you stay, he will drink. If you leave, he will drink. He will drink because he's an alcoholic and that's what untreated alcoholics do. He may get help someday, or he may not. But the thing is that you will have had nothing to do with it. Not a thing. You keep saying you "want him to want to get sober", you "want him to understand".....please know that all these things are what YOU want, not him. At least, not yet and guess what? You can't make him what them either.

It sounds like you also have your own codependency issues to work out. It has taken me years to understand my role in the dangerous dance of codependency, and I am still learning a lot. You must look at yourself first and understand what you are contributing to this. Not contributing to his drinking, but what are you bringing to this madness. And why. And how can YOU stop?? Sure, alcoholics are great when they aren't drinking. But it doesn't sound like he is ever sober, more just like moments when he isn't drunk where you see the nice guy come out. I highly recommend posting on F&F, joining Alanon, and picking up a copy of Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". If nothing else, make those your first steps. Learn about codependency and you will start to understand the answers to your questions. Big hug to you and best of luck.
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Old 09-25-2017, 01:48 PM
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I guess speaking as a guy in this situation.... do you love your man? I don't want to take away from the science of this. Yeah, you might be enabling. Yes, you might be codependent.

I want you to do me a favor though. Real quick, take an inventory of your life and your life with him in it.

How much does his alcoholism "truly" affect you? Is your life better with him in it?

Here's my advice.
Stick with him one hundred and sixty seven percent all the time, or get out. Be his girl... and love him for him. Or, get out.

Dont make him feel like a peice of **** in the process. Either make your alliance with him, or get out.

The rest will work itself out.
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