corriec

Scott, Dee, Obladi and all other friends. Well, guys, I'm at the end of day 7 and feeling good/better. I still have pain over the spleen and liver area, but that too, is getting better... Something Dee said a couple of days ago, caught up with me tonight. That you have to change EVERYTHING; who you were, your friends, habits, places you visit...everything. By now you all know that my wife left me and its been almost three months. And that I hope/was hoping, that she would take me back?
Well, friends - here's the conundrum: I phoned her up tonight, and said I missed her, and she gave me the standard, flippant "Well, you will have to get used to it..." reply. A thought entered my mind right then. Wanting someone who makes me feel bad about my past back in my life: is that a good idea? Even if I love that person? Even if I hate the idea of that person with someone else? Does changing EVERYTHING about your old life, your old self - does that not include a spouse who has now turned hurtful/spiteful? Although she was great, supportive, and loving in the past; and it was all my fault that she left in the first place.
A funny thing happened when I spoke to her tonight; when she became snide and flippant, instead of grovelling and apologizing like I normally do, I found myself saying goodnight, and broke the connection.
WRONG or RIGHT. You tell me, guys. And don't forget about the seven days!!!!!

ScottFromWI

Congrats on 7 days corriec, that's fantastic.

It's really impossible to say what your wife might or might not do down the road. While 7 days is a great stretch, it's extremely early on to start making major decisions like that. I am assuming your drinking went on for quite some time, correct? So it's kind of unrealistic to assume your wife would just forget everything that happened in the past after you have been sober for a week, don't you think?

What I can tell you for certain is that the longer you stay sober the better things will be. I am coming up on 5 years sober and while my wife did not leave me, it was close before I quit. And there are still some resentments even 5 years down the road. I don't blame her - I drank and lied about it for the better part of 2 decades, and maybe I'll never regain the trust I had when we first met - but it's getting much better as time goes on.

As addicts we tend to crave instant gratification in every part of our lives...and we have to learn to give things time. Keep doing what you are doing...it will pay off in the long run.

Forward12

We often think our alcoholism is self contained, but it also brings as much, if not more hell to those closest to us.
It sounds like she's had it with your drinking and getting her back seems slim, but who knows once you're able to get long term sobriety down.
I would use this as a learning opportunity going forward to help reinforce your sober path.
While you may not need to change absolutely everything, you likely will have to change most everything in your life. Being an alcoholic isn't just about heavy drinking, it literally becomes a lifestyle where everything revolves around booze.
We have to change our past ingrained ways to new, healthy ways of living. This is where the term "dry drunk" comes in as simply being sober doesn't mean you're in recovery.

tomsteve

just because i was a very sick man that did and said horrible things in my past, that doesnt mean i should allow myself to be a doormat for other people. i am allowed to cut people off that start throwing my past in my face.
through a LOT of footwork- lookin at myself and changing everything about ME, i am able now to say,"yup, that was me. i did that. i dont condone my behavior back then, am no longer that man, and wont allow my past to be used against me TODAY.

Done4today

Corriec,

Congrats on 7 days!! That's an amazing feat.

As for relationships, my experience is that give yourself time to get sober and stay sober. Become the person you're supposed to be and work on yourself. The wife issue and other personal relationships will work out the way they are supposed to be.

Stronger2017

7 days is 😎. As far as your breakup goes, if it was me, I'd let it settle a while.

Maudcat

Congrats, corriec.
Keep it going.
Let your wife be.
Work your program for you.
You never know what will happen, but facing it sober is YUGE.
Good luck and good thoughts.

fini

corriec,
I like the way you just said goodbye...an appropriate and civil response. so it sounds like that is already a change from your "old" way of doing things.

as far as changing everything.....i didn't. I was a solitary at- home drinker, so didn't really need to do stuff like changing friends or hangouts.
but here's the thing: i changed lots, simply by the process of being sober initially and engaging with other sober folks specifically about that, and later i decided to do the step work in AA, and changes resulted from that. Big time.

so yeah, lots of changes,though i didn't set out to.

way to go on your sober week!

RapidMan

Well I'm not really one to comment on human relationships, but my 2 cents would be this.

Scott is spot on with the comment that "7 days is great, but too early to start making massive decisions"

I've been divorced for a long time. When we were together both me and my wife had drink issues, although mine were in a different league to hers.
Without doubt the drink took it's toll, no real bust ups, but it eats away, and at least in my case, just caused me to sort of lose interest in making it work.

We both loved each other, still do in point of fact, but after a while the relationship can just become so damaged that it's hard to go back.
Me and my ex now get on great...at a distance. Probably talk on the phone every few weeks, see each other periodically, and it works for us, and we've both moved on.

But, it took time for the hurt, all the nonsense with the booze to subside, and for us to be able to talk again in some rational way.

So give it time, concentrate on getting yourself well, then figure out if the two of you can make it work.

May do, may not, time is the great healer.

Sorry if thats a bit rambling, but stuff like this is complicated and words don't/can't always express the situation fully

Anna

Hi, Congratulations on 7 days of sobriety.

I do agree that you don't want someone in your life who is going to make you feel bad or less than, someone who is resentful and snide. I hurt my husband a lot when I was drinking and I know my lies hurt him the most. The marriage was in deep trouble. But, we made it, and part of the reason we made it is because he chose to forgive me.

I don't think you need to make such a big decision at this point. It's possible that your wife will change her attitude in time, when she sees that you are determined to remain sober.

waynetheking

Keep going and don't drink. You don't have to change everything. Sobriety will do that for you. That's a given.
Congrats on your first week. That's AWESOME !!

Obladi

Good on you for making it a week.
Keep adding up those days (hours, minutes) and who knows what might happen?

As far as EVERYTHING goes, that doesn't mean literally everything. You needn't change where you live, your wardrobe, the way you brush your teeth or who your wife is (or isn't). In my mind, it's more about changing your thoughts, impulsive reactions and habits. Plus ditching anything that might be a trigger and is completely unnecessary. Like, don't stop in the bar to say hi to the guys, don't go to the liquor store to buy a bag of chips, don't sit in front of the TV all day Sunday watching football if you normally drink during.

I agree with those who say let the stuff with your wife just sit for now. Actually, I'd say for a good long time. Let's say... 6 months unless you have a legitimate "business" or child-related issue that must be discussed verbally. If she initiates a call or email, focus on maintaining that higher ground you stood on today (RIGHT). While these things are always complicated, it sounds as if you were "more" wrong and even if not... she left. So if there is to be any movement toward reconciliation, it needs to come from her. At least for now.

At the same time, I'd caution you not to hold out hope for a change in her mind. First because it might distract you from your mission of sobriety and second because you have absolutely no control over what she is going to do.

Hope some of that is helpful.

O

NYCDoglvr

There is a saying in Alanon: "Don't dial pain." It's time to focus on your sobriety, to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Words don't do it: we must prove we're worthy of trust and respect and that takes time and a good deal of hard work on ourselves.

Doug39

Today I am exactly 11 months sober and looking back I have changed EVERYTHING in my life except my home and family.

The person I was a year ago is dead; I am now a healthy, happy, spiritually fit sober person.

waynetheking

Keep it up doug. You've come a long way in 11 months. One day at a time!

SoberCAH

Very well said, Doug.

And you have done a great job of changing everything to get and stay sober.

I don't know whether I had to change everything.

But I did change everything, and I have been sober ever since.

And my entire life changed, also - for the better I might add.

I became willing to change and to make difficult sacrifices, but what I got in return dwarfs the things I gave up to get sober.

nez

Nothing changes until something sets the ball in motion. Once change begins it has ripple effects.

Who knows how far the ripples will reach? Maybe your wife will feel the ripples and change will begin for her.

However it plays out. Trust the process.

Life goes much smoother for me when I focus on changing myself and I let go of desired results. When I do that, things turn out as they are meant to be.

Stayingsassy

Interesting thought I had reading this...not just about the damaged marriage part because boy can I relate to that, but triggers. I have a strong and pervasive one: going to the gym and going to get alcohol on the way home from the gym. Every time. Every single time without fail. It's hard to know how to change it up: sitting at home eating and getting fat without going to gym? Changing gyms? Changing gym times? Some of these things freak me out. It's not always so intuitive. It's not always a bar, especially for people who have made drinking part of regular life. It can be dishes, after work time, Saturday mornings, friends you've had an entire lifetime....it can be everything and everything actually really cannot always be changed.

Gottalife

I don't know that I had to change everything so much as everything had to change. There were a few things I might have changed myself, like getting active in AA, not spending so much time around drinkers, seeking out recovered people. But these external things were not what made me drink.

That was a matter of what was going on internally, my selfishness, my poor attitude, my instinct driven way of living, my dishonesty, my many character defects. These were the things that caused me to drink, and I cannot remember engineering a change in a single one.

Instead I was changed, often in spite of myself. I became a thief that could not steal, a procrastinator that couldn't put things off, a life compelled to tell the truth, denier who could see the truth. Pretty much everything internal had to change. Old ideas went, new ideas took hold. But it wasn't me that did it. I just worked the steps and as a result began, quite naturally, behaving in a different way.

It all seems to begin about the time I became willing to believe that some kind of power greater than me could possibly solve my problem if I was willing to do my part.

Bunny211

A lot of things. Not everything. Trust your GUT. Go with your GUT....your GUT never lies to you.