ukiah77

Could it be a bad idea for RA to be drinking NA beer a few times a week or in social situations? My RAH says he likes the taste (sodas are too sweet) and it allows him to "fit in" with the guys during social situations. I notice he drinks them at the same times as when he used to drink real beer, after work, when friends come over, at parties, etc.. I think it seems ok, but I've read where some people think it's still a bad habit to keep and could trigger a relapse, as the RA is still pretending to drink. I don't want to nag him about NA beer but just wondering if anyone tried it and has an opinion one way or the other.

paulokes

Whenever someone asks me if I would I say 'I'm not sure what I would be after...'.

Kind of like Christopher Walken in the Deer Hunter going back to the Russian Roulette parties...NOT because he wants to play, but because he likes the atmosphere and gee....That's where all the guys hang out these days...

Just not a healthy mindset for me to have...That's my personal take.

Tough one for you though...I would certainly advise you not to nag but maybe voice a genuine concern and leave it at that.

Does your husband follow any specific recovery programme or have a support network? You'd hope he would be asking for or getting advice from them.

P

ukiah77

Unfortunately, he is not working a program at this time. He quit drinking a couple months ago and just starting buying NA beer and just seeing the box instantly worried me. Drinking 3 NA's instead of 13 Budweisers seems like a fair trade from my end, but I agree with the people who say it is probably not a good idea. Thank you for your reply. Things are much better for us at the moment but I am still on pins and needles about anything that resembles going back to the hell we've been in for several years. I wish he would work a program, but I guess some people are determined to go it alone.

hellrzr

No and you should be concerned.

If he gets into AA he will learn that alcoholism has nothing to do with drinking but is all about your thinking. You already see a pattern that is following his old pattern of drinking, which says a lot. To say the least he's on a slippery slope. Just a short step away from grabbing one of his buddies real beers at the next get together. I wish him well but without a program of recovery things will probably go back to the way they were until he encounters enough misery to truly want to do what it takes to change his life.

azwakeupcall

3 NA beers will lead to a case of NA beers, then the rationalization that it's cheaper to just have a couple of full alcohol beers instead of a case of NAs, and then that will lead to a case of full alcohol beers again. Introducing drinking back into a problem drinker's life is only going to lead to problems.

LeeJane

Playing with fire. Opens the gates.

Canadian Koala

It reminds me that Cocaine Anonymous joke :

I've quit doing cocaine but is it ok if I snort flour lines once in awhile?

My serious advice is that you play with fire with NA beer.

FBL

I drank beer to get drunk, so never saw the appeal of NA beer. IMO, it's not a good idea.

Shitzupuppy

It's not a trigger for me. I drink it occasionally when out socially. But if he was a beer drink, probably not a good idea.
My regular drink is about 1/4 glass diet cranberry juice mixed with sparkling water. Yum.

JeffreyAK

That would worry me the most, a recent change with just a couple months sober suggests it's a step in the direction of returning to real beer, sliding down the slippery slope. We want to return to drinking because we think we can handle it now, so we take baby steps to see how we do, and one day we decide to try out the real stuff and start putting on a buzz, and usually that's where things start spiraling back to where they were or worse. Unfortunately he's going to have to make his own decisions, you can voice your concerns but you can't really control his actions.

soberandhonest

Your (relatively short) posts raise at least four distinct reasons why your husband is at very high risk of relapse: (1) he's in early recovery, (2) he's drinking NA beer, (3) he seems to be spending significant time with drinkers, and (4) he has no recovery program. Of these, there is nothing he can do about #1, so let's forget about that one. But of the others, I would offer that drinking NA beer is less of a concern than the other two. Rather than "nag" him about NA beer, I would suggest that you have some honest discussions with him about the other two - or at least focus more on those. Also, with respect to your comment that he wants to "go it alone," too many people believe that this is mutually exclusive from a recovery program. A program does not require meetings or human interaction of any kind. I haven't attended a meeting since my first week of recovery and I've never been to AA, yet I have a very detailed recovery plan. It involves a lot of stuff with just me and my brain or me and my body. There are some great threads here on recovery programs. Let me know if you want me to post some links.

I would also encourage you to focus on yourself. You cannot control your alcoholic loved one, but you can still protect yourself. suggest that you spend some time on the Friends and Family board here and really take affirmative steps to protect and take care of YOU and make your own plan in the event of relapse.

ukiah77

Thanks for your reply. It is true my RAH spends time with other drinkers, unfortunately those people are his brother, his father, his cousin, his coworkers...sigh. It's pretty much every man in his life that he sees almost on a daily basis. He tells them it's ok for them to drink around him, that it doesn't bother him, and they claim to be supportive, "good job man, keep it up..." as they take a long swig of their beer. It's frustrating to me, I've talked to all of them, and they say it's great that he quit, but that's about the extent of their "support." His family means everything to him and he wants to hang around them as much as he can. I don't have any family in the state we live in, so his family is all we have here.

As far as working "his own program," how does one go about coming up with your own plan, if they decide to not go to AA meetings? I gave him the book Under the Influence, he claims to have read it, but I have my doubts. I'm sure he's aware of the mindset changes he needs to deal with, but he never talks about it. He doesn't want to talk to ME about anything, which is understandable, that's where someone else needs to come into play. Anything I say falls on deaf ears anyway, we've been married 15 years. He will tell me that he quit drinking and that's that, I should be happy about it and leave it alone. He quit drinking because he was becoming more argumentative and aggressive, and things were starting to fall apart, with us, and me having to wake him up for work, etc.. He quit on his own, after a few bad incidents that involved his parents. I was about to leave the house with the kids. He just quit and said it was time, that he didn't want to live that way anymore. Where the plan goes from there, I don't know. I want him to come up with his own idea of working a program, if that's his chosen way, but I don't think he knows what that would consist of. He is however, back mountain biking, which he used to love doing, he says all that exercise makes him feel so much better and helps him relax. Maybe that's part of his program, getting back into things he loved prior to drinking?

ScottFromWI

Making a plan is different for everyone, but for most it has to involve some specific time put aside each day to directly address the addiction. Alternative activities are great - exercise, etc - but they in themselves to not make a recovery plan. AA or other meeting based recovery programs are one option. Self paced programs like AVRT are another. Some choose addiction therapy or even outpatient rehab - which usually involves some of the others as well. Even SR itself is a community of support that can be the base for a recovery program.

You ( nor anyone ) can "force" him to make a plan though. He will need to take that initiative himself.

Maudcat

Hi, ukiah. Welcome back.
Mountain biking is good. Maybe you could encourage him to take up other things that he used to do before the drink took over.
As others have eloquently stated before me, your husband may be sober, but he is not in recovery.
Stopping drinking is a great first step, and I'm very glad for you that he has.
When I accepted that I had a problem with alcohol, I realized that I had to change other aspects of my life as well as abstain.
Avoiding places where drinking is the primary activity, staying away from people who like to drink, going to AA meetings, at least initially, were all things I did that helped me stay stopped.
A recovery program doesn't have to be AA., and it doesn't have to include meetings or group interaction.
It can be something as simple as defining healthy goals for oneself , then striving to meet them.
It doesn't sound to me like your husband is there yet, and I fear a relapse will be down the road.
But...maybe not. If you are not going to Al-Anon, I strongly recommend it. It is a great source of support.
Good luck and good thoughts.

Spartanman

I think drinking NA beer among drinkers sticks out more than drinking iced tea or soda among drinkers. If he thinks drinking NA beer helps him "fit in" at drinking events he is just kidding himself. What he is doing is rehearsing a relapse. I could be at a bar on my sixth IPA and see a guy drinking Odouls and I'd think, what is he some kind of alcoholic?

ukiah77

I agree. Who drinks NA beer besides RA's? I've never known anyone else who chooses to drink it because they like the flavor. It does make someone stand out, not fit in. Thanks for your reply.

soberandhonest

Here is a link to recovery plans: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

I posted an outline to my recovery plan on this thread.

As for exercise, I am a huge believer. I contend that exercise is the biggest factor in my recovery. Exercise should, in my opinion, be part of a written plan that includes other things. For me, and perhaps for your husband, it is the most important aspect, but there still needs to be other parts of a plan and I really believe that the plan should be written.

I get that your husband is a bit of a man's man - he doesn't want to show weakness and he wants to portray this as "not that big of a deal." I hope he can get to a place where he is more open about discussing it because that is a big part of recovery, but I'm not sure there is much you can do to get him there. I'm very much the same way and still revert back to putting up a very hard outer shell, but this disease has humbled the crap out of me and I work very hard to communicate with my wife about it and give my recovery a tremendous amount of respect and priority in my life. Good luck!

Computer

Ukiah77 - this is my very first post because your living what I am living!
Word for word. I left my DH and moved into my own place after 2 months of him being cruel and hateful towards me. When I met him he was an A. My mom died from drinking at the young age of 31. I couldn't do it anymore.

Once I left he stopped drinking beer and started NA beer. We are working on our issues but I don't feel like I really can trust it. Knowing my ACOA reactions (going to Al-Anon for them) the sound of the can opening is a trigger for my anxiety.

I myself have stopping drinking entirely and am starting the AA program and working the steps as I feel I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
Also I feel that I am not supporting him by drinking wine since I told him he was an A.

Sorry, this got longer than I wanted but just know I understand your concern.

tomsteve

NA beer= Non Alcoholic.
the OTHER meaning is: a drink for non alcoholics.

some time ago, i "quit" drinking. but i kept hanging around wet places and wet faces. it might not have shown, but it was a serious struggle.
dont think i made 30 days and eventually got the F-its.

sober up a drunken horse thief and ya have a horse thief.

tomsteve

welcome, computer!
we have a pretty good friends and family of alcoholics sub forum and also a good 12 step forum here ya might be interested in.