I'm so scared.
 

Just wanted to introduce myself. I am very thankful to find this board and just to type all of this out in hopes that someone is listening. I am a 36 year old mother of 3 and I am a alcoholic. I don't know how this happened to me. I started drinking heavily about 6 years ago . In that time I've had 3 kids and so was completely sober for at least a year with each one. In between pregnancies my drinking escalated quickly. I turned into a stay at home Mom after my second child. My husband works 6 days a week so I spend a lot of time alone with my 3 small kids. My drinking started out as a few beers in the afternoon.. a few glasses of wine after kid bedtime. After I quit nursing my last child 2 years ago it stated getting way out of hand. I was bored and lonely and stressed taking care of 3 small kids alone all day. It turned into a few bloody Mary's in the morning, a few vodka sodas late afternoon, a few more after bed time. 3 months ago I started having pain in my right side ribs. I wasn't sure if it was my liver or associated with my severe back pain that I acquired after being a full time hairstylist for 13 years plus a spine issue that I was born with. Needless to say it scared the crap out of me. I got my liver levels checked and a ultrasound done. My doctor said everything was fine. so of course I justified that as a ok to start drinking again. I've managed to stay away from hard alcohol since then but switched to beer in a "attempt to ween myself" . I still drink everyday but I've managed to get myself down to 3 beers a day. I guess that's ok since at my lowest point I was drinking 3/4 a bottle of vodka a day or 2 bottles of wine. I'm so terrified, I don't want to kill myself and leave my kids behind. I feel like a terrible mother, they are my life and have never been neglected in anyway. In my warped mine I felt like I was a "funner more relaxed Mom" after a few drinks. Now I realize that I let things get out of control due to my own stress and anxiety. Right now my anxiety has me convinced that I didn't permanent irreversible damage to my liver which adds to my guilt. My pain is in my ribs and wraps around to my back but feels like bone/muscle pain. I know I got everything checked 3 months ago but could I have done severe damage since because I didn't quit? I'm terrified, I am alone, I can't go to AA because I have no childcare. I opened up to my husband and he just said "ok quit drinking" I feel like nobody understands me, I feel like I've failed my kids and i already have terrible anxiety issues and this pain in my side has me convinced I'm dying. I'm constantly pushing on it, checking my color of my eyes, googling liver failure symptoms. How did my life get like this? If anyone is here that can relate or even help I would appreciate it more than you know. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Welcome to SR SickInLove. I see you have a similar thread started over in Newcomers so I'll just add that you are more than welcome here and we hope you decide to stay around for the support and understanding you'll find here.

We can definitely relate, anxiety and helplessness are things almost all of us felt towards the end of our drinking. I personally suffer from health anxiety ( diagnosed ) so I totally get it. Drinking definitely won't help, in fact it will make the anxiety worse eventually.

Most times our spouses/SO's don't understand addiction so to them, a suggestion of "just stop drinking" actuallly makes sense to them. They see that drinking is the cause of your problems, so logically quitting should help, right? And it will...but there is more to it than that.

I would suggest seeing a doctor again if you think that you have medical issues. Even if you don't, it will give you the peace of mind, and you can also discuss your drinking with them. They can help too.

Thank you! I guess posting in 2 forums probably wasn't the right way to do it. I'm new to this but I'd love to be part of any forum. I need all of the support I can get, I have a appointment with my doctor on Monday. Hopefully I can keep my medical anxiety under control until then and getting test results back. Right now dwelling on every ache and pain thinking that my liver is damaged and that I'm dying is worse than the actual not drinking for me. Today is my first day with no alcohol. Usually I have a beer around noon, I'm trying not to let my health anxiety get to me. My main problem is that I don't know what liver pain feels like so every time I google it I find more things to be worried about.

We're so glad you are here, SickInLove.

I don't know how my life spun out of control either - but here we are, trying to do the right thing and get free. The aches & pains I had the first month after quitting all went away. Our body has a lot of adjustments to make as we heal. As Scott mentioned, please be safe & talk things over with your doctor to be sure nothing dangerous is going on.

Welcome to a great place for encouragement & friendship. I'm so glad you've decided to change your life.

The best advice I could give you right now based on my own experience is to stop googling symptoms. Even if you knew what liver pain felt like it wouldn't help anything, now would it? ;-) Try and find some other activities - even just taking a walk can help ease your mind. It's great to hear that you are seeing your doctor on Monday.

The timing may be perfect for you to stop drinking.

As this older guy looks back on the years I see where my body was talking to me many times and yet I did not heed the warnings. There can be a price to pay.

Odds have it that if you stop drinking completely in a short time your anxiety will be so much better and probably your pains will go away. Give it some serious thought please.

M-Bob

I'm glad you have an appointment on Monday, SickInLove - I missed that. :) Getting reassurance will help with your anxiety.

You can post on multiple forums - no problem there. :)

I've had anxiety like that and sent many a long fretful day poking at myself, convinced I felt some lump or bump or tender spot that didn't belong. It's miserable, isn't it? I agree that staying busy is a good way to change focus and it will likely have the bonus effect of distracting you from cravings.

Anxiety is a very real symptom of withdrawal, I hope knowing that is helpful. Good thing you're going to see your doctor. Will you be able to be honest about all rats going on with you?

O

Hi and welcome sickinlove :)

you can post in as many forums as you like, although we ask you don't post the same thread in different forums, is all.

You'll find a lot of support here. I had no idea how I would quit 0o I only knew I wanted to.

SR was very important to me in those early days for strength guidance and support

glad to have you join us :)

D

Thank you all so much for the help and support. I plan on staying active on these boards so help get me through recovery. I've been wanting to quit for so long. I've been kidding myself saying that I'm "doing better" just because I haven't had vodka in 3 months. I kept thinking "well a few beers is better" last week I was at Disneyland with my husband and kids. I bought one beer, then another, then more.. before I knew it I was 5 beers drunk at DISNEYLAND of all places, I was so embarrassed. My oldest is now 6 and is starting to notice when mommy drinks or is drunk. This has to stop, for me and my family. I grew up a alcoholic father.. I don't want my kids growing up that way.

It is so miserable! I've convinced myself that my eyes look yellow sometimes, even though my husband swears I'm crazy. I'm constantly pushing on my liver trying to see if that's where my pain on coming from ( my liver isn't tender at all but my rib above it is always sore) I'm a mess, I can't wait to start feeling better.

it sounds like a lot of anxiety revolves around speculation you may have health issues as a result and so on.

I think its normal to have that anxiety or well i've heard this and had this myself after i quit and in my final drinking days.

The good news is quiting drinking helps.

But i'm also reading it seems like you have a lot of guilt / shame about this as far as your kids on concerned and i'm sure and in other areas.

that shame and guilty are tricky tricky. They can help you quit or they can help you run back to the bottle to try and numb those horrible feelings out.

You can address the shame and guilt and so on once you get to the making ammends phase / step. But I think its almost critical to make sure it doesnt drive you back to drinking. Staying sober at this juncture is the most important yet the most difficult issue on your plate right now if I had to guess. Trying to deal with that shame and guilt at the same time can be really hard.

So in my case I kinda had to put the blinders on to that sorta stuff till i was equiped and ready to handle it. and had to focus primarily on staying sober.

That shame and guilt is in the past about your past behavior. Maybe try to leave it there and prevent it from coming back by staying sober.

I heard a saying one time along the lines of when your driving the rear view mirro is small because your not headed in that direction. Try and focus on the hear and now and whats in front of you right now at this moment. I'd imagine that is more then enough to handle. The past and the future well the past is done and over the future is unwritten so no sense in dealing with either at this time.

Hang in there. your not a bad person. Take this from the guy who has 6 kids and was drunk day in and day out. Oh man I could list out a long list of things to be shamed and guilted over.

I used to think "i swear i'm a good person omg i swear i'm a good person". I bet your a dang good person too. I too sat there flabbergasted at 33 years old wondering how in the hell my life led me ot the drunk trainwreck mess i was how did this happen how how how. One could drive themselves nuts trying to figure out how or why etc.. the reality is I somehow was in that place and somehow had to get out of that place. How i got there started to become irrelevant why i was there was unimportant. It took all my efforts to just to focus on getting out of that position.

I'm glad your here and glad you posted. You can beat it.

I drank two bottles of wine a day for years. When it almost killed me I got on my hands and knees and crawled to AA where I found incredible support and help. Truthfully, I couldn't have gotten sober on my own and substituting daily drinking with daily meetings got me through the worst. Keep posting, a big hug.

Thank you for this post, this really hit home for me. As a parent it's hard not to feel guilty for things you have missed out on or messed up because of drinking. Simple things like promising them I would take them somewhere or help with a school project, or play a game. Then I'd be drunk and tired and just struggle to make it awake until bedtime. I will definitely keep looking forward. It's only my second day without a drink but I already feel better about the future.. now if only I could get rid of this constant headache that I'm assuming is from withdrawal :(

yeah i wasnt a ****** father I dont think. But i wasnt really a an outstanding dad either lol.

I was also a bit of a head case as well and here i am at just over 6 years sober and still being a good father and taking an active interest in my kids and there interests can be challenging for me at times. But I havent just decided to check out of there lives and go have a drink or drown out my BS in booze rather then being there for them.

Just be mindful of the shame and guilt. I think its a pretty natural feeling. but that shame and guilt usualy awesome at getting you to reach for a drink.

In time tho i promise it'll ease up and your will work it all out and be much happier.

I know theres other members here who have dealt with the exact same stuff. it doesnt make anyone a bad person etc...

you are / where battling addiction and such its normal to not be perfect. and despite your circumstances i'm sure your doing the best you can despite all this stuff etc..

There are live video AA meetings online www.intherooms.com and telephone meetings. Google AA telephone meetings. I only have 4 days clean but these meetings and this site are helping. You can't do it alone
I'm a mom too who has been struggling since 2004. It's only going to get worst, it did for me and I love my son dearly.

using dr google, ive
-had 4 heart attacks
- an aneurism
-kidney cancer
-meningitis
-and heatworm :scared:

i fired dr google.

I'm on day 4 and so far besides anxiety and a constant headache I'm doing ok. My triggers are definitely boredom and stress. I don't get any alone time so it's hard for me to rest or relax. I've been doing yoga every night when my kids go to bed instead of drinking. Going to bed early instead of staying up late drinking. It definitely hasn't been easy. I'm in that "my life is boring without alcohol" stage. I'm going on a cruise this weekend with my husband and kids and I know it will be very difficult. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with that?