ukiah77

My AH quit drinking 2 months ago and is now acting sad and depressed. What is the best way for me and the kids to act during this phase of early recovery? Someone told me to just give him space to deal with it, which seems impossible since we still have to share this life and household together. He does not want to be in a program or take any meds at this time but is that what he needs? I am not in al anon but I am working on me, educating myself about addiction, and focusing on our kids, trying to hold everything together, while still trying to love him and be supportive. Although he is no longer drinking, I'm still feeling like he is not here. Anyone been through this and have advice from either side of the fence?

BullDog777

I asked my wife about your post. I hope you don't mind, but it was an interesting question you posed to the alcoholics.

She said that she had "checked out" of my addiction long before i got sober. She had to divorce herself from having any expectations or hope that I would get better as i had been so sick for so long. Basically, she held me at arms length so she didn't find herself devestated if i failed.

He didn't get sick over night and he won't get well over night. Early sobriety is full of ups and a lot of downs. A lot of the time i found myself unable to even communicate how i was feeling. This to me was frustrating.

Through her own process, she basically let me do my own thing for as long as i needed under the understanding that i was always moving in a positive direction by not drinking. An then, things began to fall into place, but it took months.

He may be dealing with shame, anxiety, anger...the list is long and you gotta let him know you are there for him if he needs an ear to bend. The last thing in the world you wanna do is try to flip a switch and think your life is going to be back to normal just because the protagonist is gone for now.

Let him know you know what he's doing is extremely difficult and you'll be there if he needs you. Don't smother him or expect a lot for awhile. It takes a long time for our brains to rewire themselves. If he's not drinking, that may be all he can do for now.

I'm just over 18 months sober, and it took me probably a year to become a version of "myself" again..Some days, i still have a hard time with it.

It may help you to think of it this way. He got his ass handed to him and he lost the only coping mechanism he had. So of course he's gonna kick rocks and be sad for awhile. Nobody wants to admit something got the best of them. I think this is particularly indicative for men. We're supposed to be strong.

So...that's the short answer I have. That's how things went for me.

Also...one more thing. As he has lost his last coping mechanism, he's gonna be an easy target to beat up on if you get mad at him for something. Don't bring up the past...We hate that. As true and as right as you are right now, you have to pick your battles. He can only live in today to get a tomorrow. Try to do the same. Treating him with kid gloves for awhile will show him you have compassion for his struggle.

So that's my 2 cents. I've been married for 20 years and with my wife for 23. This is just my experience with my wife's opinion added. I have no idea if i'm right, but we're still together.

Good luck to you.

ukiah77

Thank you for your reply and the input from your wife. Really helped me, it's not easy for a spouse to know how to navigate through someone else's journey. Trying to "help" sometimes isn't what's needed or wanted. I get that now. I too, emotionally checked-out of his addiction and our marriage long before he quit. Maybe these few weeks of somewhat normalcy got me excited and eager to jump back into "the way it was..." My mistake. I know this is a very difficult time for him and us, we all need to give it more time.

SoberCAH

Early sobriety is a very challenging time from almost every conceivable perspective.

It's normal to be depressed, sad, in a fog, etc.

Taking away alcohol for me was like taking away oxygen.

It's all I thought about.

And I continued to think about it a lot for a good while after I got sober.

We're glad you're here with us and we're also glad your husband has gotten sober.

tomsteve

this is my experience only:
if i just put down the bottle and didnt nothing to take care of the underlying issues, i know for a fact i would have been a miserable, depressed dry drunk.
because i was miserable and depressed when i was drinking and didnt want to be that way sober, i didnt just put down the bottle.best move i made was to seek help after i put down the bottle.

LeeJane

I am a recovering A. My experience was that there were two distinct parts to this.

Part one was actually stopping the alcohol.

Part two was working a recovery program to address my underlying issues and also to alter my thinking patterns and how I saw and reacted to people, places and things.

As TomSteve mentioned, I would have a miserable dry drunk had I not embraced working my program.

My AH quit for about 90 days fairly recently. He refused to work a program. It was a dreadful time for both of us and we were both relieved when he started drinking again.

Pathwaytofree

I got worse when I quit drinking without working a recovery program or seeing a therapist.

Drinking masked my depression and anxiety. Without the alcohol I needed tools to deal with the depression, anxiety and other feelings that I was flooded with when stuff got real.

I learned very quickly that it's so much more than just not drinking.