ukiah77

It's been awhile since I've visited here, my last post was 2014. Been with AH for 15 yrs, we have 3 children together. He started drinking when he was 15. He quit for a year in 2014, started back up, now here we are, he quit again. I guess people can hit "rock bottom" more than once. This time he swears he's quitting for good, no more 1 year time frame like last time. He swears me and the kids are more important to him than drinking. He knows I would have no choice but to leave him if this (emotional) abuse continued. We've heard all this before. My question is, can people really change, can they make good on their promises? Please tell me it happens sometimes. I've heard more stories of, "Well, he started drinking again so I had to take the kids and leave him..." I'm currently trying to get him to see a doctor or talk to a professional. Last time he didn't, and his mind tricked him again into believing I'm the only one who had a problem with his drinking...The same old quacking. Although, he seems to have a better attitude about abstinence this time around. His dad had a big talk with him and I think it sank in. Would counseling help with his dry drunk brain playing tricks on him again? He has been mostly pleasant and positive, but sometimes he makes comments like I am the reason he can't drink anymore because I "hate" drinking and am over dramatic, etc. It sounds to me he is already glamorizing his past drinking habits and turning on me, as the party kill joy. He is rude to me when I try to act like a normal husband and wife, kissing hello, asking how his day was, etc.. He says fine, and walks away from me. He seems cold and hollow. But other days he says he is serious about quitting and that he loves me and the kids more than anything. It's such a rollercoaster day to day. I am hopeful that some marriages can and do survive this. Not all have to fail, do they? How can I be supportive, but not codependent? What does an RAH need from their wife to help them maintain abstinence and build back our relationship? Everything I try to do seems like it's annoying him. I am trying my best to get him to talk to someone, but he has been very resistant to that idea. I am staying hopeful. I love him very much.

JD

I think the most important part of quitting drinking is you have to do it for yourself. Yeah, doing it for the kids and wife is a noble cause but you have to want it no matter what happens in your life. You're already seeing the resentment in his comments of blaming you. There's a big difference between quitting drinking and recovery. Recovery often entails some significant changes in thinking and life style.

totfit

Can't really tell you what to expect as one can never predict. Statistics show the odds are about the same whether or not someone goes to AA or has therapy or just quits on their own with no support. The no support thing though is a little fuzzy as we all seek some type of support or validation. As far as what you can do for him, I think it best just to leave for him to do. You might say that you are happy and/or proud of him for doing what he is doing for validation sake, but just let him deal with his demon. It was best for me when I was just left to deal with mine. Just let him know you are there for him, but a hands off approach is best or at least it was for me.

BlownOne

Doesn't sound to me like your husband gets it at all. Quitting drinking is not the same as embracing recovery. In order to get anything out of not drinking or being sober, a person has to learn how to think and act in a completely different manner . AA refers to this a psychic change. A total shift in thinking that compels a person to want to be a better human being by taking responsibility for their actions, words and lives. If he really want to get sober and embrace recovery he has to want to do it for himself. Not for you. Not for your kids. And he'll do it, with or without you. And that's how it should be. We can't get sober for someone else. Hugs to you.

Done4today

I would suggest Al anon meetings. You will be able to get support and insight. Good luck.

ukiah77

totfit: I will take a step back and refrain from trying to "help" too much. I can show my support without questioning or judging or fixing. Thank you for the advice.

sugarbear1

How about getting to Al Anon meetings and begin your own healing?