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Sister is unsupportive

Old 08-30-2017, 09:12 AM
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Sister is unsupportive

Since I quit drinking, my sister has been really dismissive and I've even caught her rolling her eyes when I talk about sobriety. I confronted her about it last night and she told me she just can't engage right now because she has her own problems. She said I should just go to meetings for support. She also said "if it's not one thing it's another with you." She's been to hell and back with me (we live together), so it's understandable I guess. I've been 5150'd 3 times, I set fire to the house (candle mishap), we got kicked out of our apartment, and my financial problems have affected her. I get it, but it's pretty disappointing.
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Old 08-30-2017, 09:14 AM
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If you go to meetings you will find people who understand.

People in our lives who have been damaged by our behavior will (rightfully) not want to hear about it until you have some sober time. Give it time, work on being the best sister you can be and she will likely come around. Not next month, but in time and with some demonstrated sobriety. This is on you to do the right thing.
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Old 08-30-2017, 09:17 AM
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We don't really have much ( aka none ) control over how others react around us. It can certainly be disappointing but it's the reality of addiction. What we can control is our own actions and how we move forward in sobriety.

Understand too that some people are going to have resentments against you for what we've done when we were drinking. Flip the tables for a minute and think of how you would feel if you were treated the way you treated others.

The good news is that if you can stay sober and show people you mean it, they will react positively over time. But it's defnintely not going to happen overnight..it might take months or even years.
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Old 08-30-2017, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by leanabeana View Post
Since I quit drinking, my sister has been really dismissive and I've even caught her rolling her eyes when I talk about sobriety. I confronted her about it last night and she told me she just can't engage right now because she has her own problems. She said I should just go to meetings for support. She also said "if it's not one thing it's another with you." She's been to hell and back with me (we live together), so it's understandable I guess. I've been 5150'd 3 times, I set fire to the house (candle mishap), we got kicked out of our apartment, and my financial problems have affected her. I get it, but it's pretty disappointing.
very understanding. something you might want to do- something i had to do- was put myself in her shoes( in my case, my own families shoes).
shortly after deciding i wanted to get sober and started AA, i visited my sister. when i mentioned what i was doing, my brother in laws response was,"yeah,right" and he got up and left.
my sister just rolled her eyes.
after talking to my sponsor about it, everything he said made sense- they had HEARD the story before, but they didnt SEE it- they didnt SEE me get active in recovery. they didnt see me make any changes in my life. why should they think i was serious and give me a pat of the back and "good job" and all that?
i had to show with actions. actions over T.I.M.E.=
Things I Must Earn. i had to earn their support and belief i was serious.
it was also useless for me to turn to my family- ones who had no experience with recovery- for support. the support i needed to recover- people who had been in my shoes and knew solutions- i found in AA.

a few years after getting sober, my niece bought a new-to-her house. it needed the wood floors refinished, so she called uncle tom to see if id come and do it. sure!!!
4 days later found my family in her backyard having a barbque.
laughin and having a good time. for some reason, stories of my drinking came up- the insane antics.
we were all laughin about em. i was even tellin some they didnt know about.
then my neice asked,"uncle tom, how long have you been sober now?"
"its been about 6 years now."
'im really really glad you got sober and i have my uncle back."
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Old 08-30-2017, 11:41 AM
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Thanks all. It's just not normal behavior for her which is why it threw me. She was supportive when I was hospitalized but she has some mental block to acknowledging I have an addiction.

I like the T.I.M.E. acronym. I know I haven't earned it yet. She'll probably come around eventually, but in case she doesn't, I need to find support elsewhere.
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Old 08-30-2017, 02:54 PM
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Speaking of unsupportive - I just told one of my superiors that I'm in recovery and she let out a nervous laugh in response. And she's a psychologist! I'm having bad luck with people this week.
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Old 08-30-2017, 03:03 PM
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In my experience the only people who truely understand addiction are addicts, and the only people truely understanding recovery are recovered addicts. That is why i'd recommend AA.
Don't expect understanding or support from people who do not know the beast we are fighting, especially not the people we have hurt and affected in our addiction.
I am lucky to have a few people close to me who support my recovery, but even they do not understand and I do not expect them to. I try hard to seperate what to expect and discuss with these relatives and what to expect and discuss with my AA people, because i lot of things normal people will just never be able to relate to, no matter how close these people are to you.
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Old 08-30-2017, 03:43 PM
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Thanks SoberTyger. On a more positive note, I spoke to a coworker today and she was extremely supportive. She has food addiction issues so she can relate on some level.

I will keep coming here and going to meetings.
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Old 08-30-2017, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by leanabeana View Post
Thanks all. It's just not normal behavior for her which is why it threw me. She was supportive when I was hospitalized but she has some mental block to acknowledging I have an addiction.

I like the T.I.M.E. acronym. I know I haven't earned it yet. She'll probably come around eventually, but in case she doesn't, I need to find support elsewhere.
It is pretty normal among friends and family of alcoholics.
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Old 08-30-2017, 11:50 PM
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My brother tells me when I am ready he will teach me how to drink responsibly. Hahaha as if I hadn't thought of that before or tried it hundreds of times.

I laugh it off now but it used to bother me he thinks my alcoholic drinking was a simple choice. I remind myself with people that don't understand that what they think about me is none of my business.

Since you're attending AA I would highly suggest not to try and make amends to your sister. Wait until you have a sponsor and have done the first 8 steps. Your addiction is yours and your recovery is yours. Don't make it your sister's or anyone else's. You have to do the work and she will see the difference before you do. Good luck
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Old 08-31-2017, 09:58 AM
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She apologized last night but I don't expect total understanding from her yet.
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Old 08-31-2017, 10:23 AM
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The "Anyway" prayer


People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.



-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
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Old 08-31-2017, 12:20 PM
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Thanks for your kind words and support all.

My coworker apologized too. I think I caught her off guard when I actually told her how I was doing.
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Old 08-31-2017, 02:07 PM
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You may want to attend some AA meetings to talk directly with other recovering alcoholics. Learn to create boundaries (work, home/personal, etc)......

You will find more support within the recovery community than you will with those we've tortured for years and years.....
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Old 08-31-2017, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by leanabeana View Post
She apologized last night but I don't expect total understanding from her yet.
lb,
probably a good idea to not expect total understanding EVER.

it's an unreasonable expectation.
and total understanding is not required in order to be supportive.
i actually like how you say she responded: she can't engage right now because she has her own problems.
that leaves a good opening for the future, and is not dismissive but in the vein of her taking care of herself and her problems and setting a boundary around that.
any of that make sense to you?
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Old 08-31-2017, 08:02 PM
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Yes you're right. Thanks for that.
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Old 09-01-2017, 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
very understanding. something you might want to do- something i had to do- was put myself in her shoes( in my case, my own families shoes).
shortly after deciding i wanted to get sober and started AA, i visited my sister. when i mentioned what i was doing, my brother in laws response was,"yeah,right" and he got up and left.
my sister just rolled her eyes.
after talking to my sponsor about it, everything he said made sense- they had HEARD the story before, but they didnt SEE it- they didnt SEE me get active in recovery. they didnt see me make any changes in my life. why should they think i was serious and give me a pat of the back and "good job" and all that?
i had to show with actions. actions over T.I.M.E.=
Things I Must Earn. i had to earn their support and belief i was serious.
it was also useless for me to turn to my family- ones who had no experience with recovery- for support. the support i needed to recover- people who had been in my shoes and knew solutions- i found in AA.

a few years after getting sober, my niece bought a new-to-her house. it needed the wood floors refinished, so she called uncle tom to see if id come and do it. sure!!!
4 days later found my family in her backyard having a barbque.
laughin and having a good time. for some reason, stories of my drinking came up- the insane antics.
we were all laughin about em. i was even tellin some they didnt know about.
then my neice asked,"uncle tom, how long have you been sober now?"
"its been about 6 years now."
'im really really glad you got sober and i have my uncle back."
Tomsteve,

This is one of the best posts I've read on SR.
It's just beautiful.

Thanks also for the T.I.M.E. acronym that is so cool.

I know that even if we change and people still don't see it, that we need to see it for ourselves and know that God sees it--but hearing that your family eventually accepted the changes is just so hopeful.
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Old 09-02-2017, 12:18 PM
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My sister borrowed my computer and saw an email notification about this post. Whoops! I think she understood, but I'm sure it was hurtful.
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Old 09-02-2017, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by leanabeana View Post
My sister borrowed my computer and saw an email notification about this post. Whoops! I think she understood, but I'm sure it was hurtful.
Anonymity is very important in my recovery. No one who can drink normally can understand alcoholism. I am a type 1 diabetic and people cannot understand that (although I get more sympathy.) I would recommend that anything you write down about your recovery be hidden except from your sponsor/spiritual adviser or therapist.
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