Northman123

Hey all.

I'm in a bit of a situation and hoping you all could point me in the right direction because it sounds like you've all been through similar things.

My girlfriend of 18 months has probably been blackout drunk about 20 times during that period, and most weeks will have a bottle of wine to herself every day. On a regular day with one bottle of wine we seem to fight fairly often and I'm positive it's alcohol related. When she gets blackout she is no fun to be around, is a total embarrassment, and has made a fool of herself in front of most of my social groups. And yet the behaviour continues despite me bringing up the issue a few times now.

One week ago we had an 'existential fight' about drinking and our relationship where I basically said that if she kept it up I was going to break up with her.

Two days later at my parents house for dinner she had a bottle and a half to herself. I get anxious, quiet, and upset when she is drinking. She didn't do anything crazy that night but I definitely could not believe she would drink that much two days after we had a huge blow out. I brought it up and we fought briefly but then I dropped it.

We agreed not to drink during the week which she held herself too, but then this weekend she got wasted on Friday, had a bottle on Saturday, and was drinking from 12 noon right until the end of another family dinner. Same anxiety and mood on my end and we had another blowout on the way home. "Either you don't give a **** about me, or you have a problem" was roughly how I phrased it. I packed my bags and left just for the one night.

She called me first thing this morning to say she was sorry and she shouldn't have treated drinking on the weekend as a free pass, but now things were going to change and she wouldnt drink that much again (was roughly 12 drinks over 8 hours giving her a BAC above .10 easily).

She does however, refuse to admit she has a problem despite all the trouble it has caused in our relationship. I'm worried I'm wasting my time, or that I'm being too controlling by asking her to cut down her drinking. She's a fully functional woman with a PHD, lovely when she is sober and very beautiful.

I don't know what to do. It sounds like threat of a break up has woken her up but should I really risk more time with this woman? I'm worried it might be ok for a month or two then it will be right back to the same thing.

Any input from the folk here would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!!

Ed

Delilah1

Hi Ed,

I'm sorry you are going through this. Speaking as someone who was drinking a bottle of wine at night, she is not going to stop until she is ready. You may want to consider some space for a bit, and see if she is serious about stopping. I hope she is able to, life truly is better sober.

Dee74

Hi Northman

I think Delilahs advice is good - maybe some space is a good thing - if nothing else it gives the both of you the chance to figure out what you really want.

D

doggonecarl

You know exactly the right thing to do. I hope you find the strength to do it.

August252015

Good points above and I will add two things:

The AA saying definitely applies here: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.

Also...IMO and IME - ultimatums rarely work. Or, if they do, the person THEN has to find that they truly want to remain sober for themselves. Your gf has to choose sobriety- unfortunately, no one can do that for us.

Perhaps check out the Al Anon/codie threads, if you haven't already. I'd venture to say that taking care of yourself (perhaps with some space as mentioned) needs to be paramount. It is difficult - I have been the alcoholic and the family of- for the non-drinking person to understand that necessity (self-care) sometimes....but you can only control and care for you.

Gottalife

Yup the friends and family forum is definitely worth looking into.

Maudcat

Hi, Northman.
Welcome to SR.
Agree with all of the above.
Ultimatums don't work. If you say you are going to leave if she drinks, and she will drink, you either have to leave or stay.
If you stay, you are demonstrating that her behavior is okay.
Nothing needs to happen this minute, but I would consider the idea of space.
Time and distance often brings clarity. You may come to see that this is not how you want to live your life.
Do you have support? Family, friends?
This is a tough thing to go alone.

HTown

My ex wife asked me to stop. Begged me to stop. Each time I promised to stop and I meant it. I did not stop it. I could not. Like me, She cannot control it. I did not want to stop by any means necessary, I wanted to moderate.

Until she is ready to stop by any means necessary, because she wants to, best for you to step away. It is nothing but heartache for those that love us. I am sorry what I put my ex through but it took me 6 years to get to this point.

6 years.

Doug39

My wife and I met at a bar in 1994. We were both drunk. We drank together everyday for 22 years.

10 months ago I quit drinking; she still drinks - most days she gets drunk.

My AA sponsors tell me that for a relationship to last it must continue to grow. Either my wife will eventually grow with me and get sober or she will continue to drink excessively and we will grow apart.

Put the problem in God's hands.

Obladi

My daughter said to me recently, "Mom, I know that you 100% mean it when you say that you are going to stop drinking. But then you start again. You really need to get help to solve this problem or I will not speak to you again." I knew she meant it and I got help. Not for her; that's not what she was saying. She was saying "I love you too much to continue to watch you go through this."

Sadly and ultimately, it took my employment being jeopardized to turn my head all the way around to a new way of thinking.

I agree with removing yourself from this situation. As the daughter of an alcoholic, I know how gut-wrenching that might be, but ultimately you need to put yourself first. If you can get to an Al-anon meeting, that could be helpful too - try a variety of them because all meetings are different.

O

Mountainmanbob

Sounds like she is alcoholic.
If she doesn't stop drinking completely -- usually down the road it only gets worse for the true drunk. Has she crossed over that invisible line? All indications seem to say yes or possibly she is very close?

Treatment would be recommended but, takes a willing person.

M-Bob

Nowsthetime

I'd say leave and never look back. That might be the biggest favor you do her.

Your post reminded me of my husband and I. He begged for YEARS that I quit. It wasn't until I wanted it for myself that it clicked.

How do you want your life to be?

tomsteve

glad ya found us,ed.
i had ultimatums once or twice( SERIOUS understatement) throughout my drinking, which was through 1 or 2 relationships( another understatement).
i would stop drinking- until the heat was off. sometimes id have remorse and guilt over actions while drunk and stop- until the remorse and guilt dissipated. then back at it.


"should I really risk more time with this woman?"
i am thoroughly convinced that the best move any woman that was in a relationship with me made was to walk away. i was only going to drag them down with me.

Obladi

One more thing - please don't take your GF's continuing to drink as evidence that she doesn't care for you. Though I love my children deeply, I wouldn't hurt them for the world. But I did. I got caught up in the throes of alcoholism, which I truly believe is a disease secondary to other conditions of my life. (Secondary in a causal way.) Alcohol had to go before I could start looking at that other stuff.

Gabe1980

She sounds like me 15 years ago....and 15 days ago. Trust me, you are going to become more and more resentful, brittle and angry the longer it goes on. You won't be able to change things through ultimatums and your other relationships will become harder as you will have to defend why you put up with the behaviour. I really hope your girlfriend gets help for Her and for You. Keep coming to this forum. There's loads of friendly advice and support here. I hope it works out for you.

paulokes

Hi! So at some 8 or 9 years sober I seem to have found myself dating someone who almost daily drinks at least 1-2 bottles of wine and uses other drugs frequently. A problem by their own admission.

This is not the person they sold themselves to be at the start.

As someone said...I didn't cause it...I can't control it. Facing the cold truth that I have no stake in this particular game...how much they drink or wether they do anything about it is entirely their concern. My business is to accept the parts I don't like or walk away. And I'm pretty sure I know what I should be doing next.

It's a hard deal but I have definitely learnt in sobriety that I have no business placing expectations on others and then becoming dissatisfied with the outcome. Especially when it comes to drink. My own experience teaches me that for some folks drink comes before everything else...whatever their intentions or plans.

P

Dropsie

Northman,

She is a package -- beautiful smart fun and with an alcohol issue -- how serious only she knows, but based on your text it is an issue.

My boyfriend stayed -- no ultimatums, but I knew that at some stage I would go too far and he would walk. But I was a package and as long as the good outweighed the bad, it was worth it.

I stopped and things are great and I thank the universe every day that he stayed.

But it was a huge risk on his part, as it would be on yours. But we cannot say to stay or to go. But we can say that you have to assume that alcohol will be part of the package, and pray that you are wrong.

The only advice I would give is acceptance -- IF you stay, don't make it conditional on her good behaviour because I fear you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I would suggest that if you decide to stay you have a serious sober conversation -- I am staying because on balance you are worth it and I love you to bits. But you have to know that at some point the alcohol is likely to change that. Leave the rest in her hands. And then when you have had enough, go without guilt and without recrimination -- hopefully she will surprise you.

We are here if you need us.

Shoutout to Paulokes -- what is up with that?

Done4today

I don't believe in ultimatums. They will give her another resentment to drink over. You know what you have to do for you. Don't make your decision thinking you can change her. You met her and fell in love with her as she is. So, do you want to spend time with her or not? As stated earlier, you don't make her drink and you can't stop her from drinking. Good luck

Northman123

Thank you everyone that responded to me. It's been a tough few weeks. After the blow out and ultimatum there were a couple weeks of 'tea and good behaviour' but slowly the no drinking during the week pledge was abandonded and things started going down hill.

Last night at a social occasion she got so drunk that we had to abandon the after festivities glass of wine at a friends place. Couldn't walk or really even function. She was chugging white wine directly from the bottle. So much more drunk than any over our other friends. Got home and she puked all over the carpet in our bedroom.

Kept asking 'what have I done wrong? Why are you mad at me?'.....

I realized that my words obviously mean nothing so I followed the advice here and told her I needed to take action. That I don't deserve social anxiety because of her . That I need to be able to count on her not to go off the deep end. That it was over between us and that she has a problem.

She was still drunk at the time so not sure if she remembers, but today I am committed to making it a reality. It's happened too often for us to continue...

This was my first experience with addiction like this. I just wanted to thank you all again for your support. I learned a lot about myself and what lead me to tolerate this behaviour for so long.

Ed

doggonecarl

Time to pop over to the Friends and Family section, to deal with the post-breakup guilt and possible manipulation your GF might try.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/