Ghosts of the past
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Ghosts of the past
I don't think that I've had an experience quite like this since I've quit drinking but it makes me that much more grateful that I quit.
If you're a blackout drinker like I was you remember that feeling of waking up, looking around you and the horror and anxiety that's present. Especially if you wake up and you're not in your own bed. Through the pounding headache, the nauseous stomach, and the fog, you search through your mind for any inkling of what occurred to put you where you were.
In my house I would frequently wake up in the back bedroom. I guess there's a lot of places that could be worse but if I woke up there, or, if I woke up in my own bed and my husband was not beside me I knew that's where he was. Which was just as bad because it still meant there was some kind of discord, and who knew how bad or what it was.
I threw my back out last Saturday and it was pretty painful. The night before last I woke up and was in some pretty bad pain. Instead of tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position I decided to go in the back room so as not to disturb my sleeping husband. When I woke up in the morning, for a very brief and fleeting moment I had a quick visit from that alcoholic ghost from my past. It was surreal when I opened my eyes. I was tired due to what little sleep I had which sometimes mimics feeling slightly hungover but ugh, just waking up in that room and the flood of memories. The memory of that dread, the horror of the day I was going to face. All of that came flooding back in.
It really took me a while to pull out of that funk. But, it also reminded me just how grateful I am that I don't ever have to experience one of those mornings for real.
Hated the experience, love how much it deepened and solidified why I will never drink again.
Anyone else have a similar experience?
If you're a blackout drinker like I was you remember that feeling of waking up, looking around you and the horror and anxiety that's present. Especially if you wake up and you're not in your own bed. Through the pounding headache, the nauseous stomach, and the fog, you search through your mind for any inkling of what occurred to put you where you were.
In my house I would frequently wake up in the back bedroom. I guess there's a lot of places that could be worse but if I woke up there, or, if I woke up in my own bed and my husband was not beside me I knew that's where he was. Which was just as bad because it still meant there was some kind of discord, and who knew how bad or what it was.
I threw my back out last Saturday and it was pretty painful. The night before last I woke up and was in some pretty bad pain. Instead of tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position I decided to go in the back room so as not to disturb my sleeping husband. When I woke up in the morning, for a very brief and fleeting moment I had a quick visit from that alcoholic ghost from my past. It was surreal when I opened my eyes. I was tired due to what little sleep I had which sometimes mimics feeling slightly hungover but ugh, just waking up in that room and the flood of memories. The memory of that dread, the horror of the day I was going to face. All of that came flooding back in.
It really took me a while to pull out of that funk. But, it also reminded me just how grateful I am that I don't ever have to experience one of those mornings for real.
Hated the experience, love how much it deepened and solidified why I will never drink again.
Anyone else have a similar experience?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I don't have a similar experience in sobriety but I can relate to waking up with that horror of what happened and where am I? I did some really reckless things. I'm lucky that I never got seriously hurt. I certainly wasn't respecting myself or keeping myself safe. I'm really glad those days are behind me! Good to wake up refreshed after a deep lovely sober sleep in my own home with my wonderful man beside me who loves me and treats me right.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 82
I do know what you mean LadyBlue.
Recently I have had a very similar feeling many mornings. It's a combination of insomnia and pain in my legs. The insomnia provides the hangover feeling and the pain and joint stiffness mimics the way I would stagger around until I managed to get my head together enough to go to the shop for a bottle.
I'm strong enough mentally to deal with it though, thanks to the absence of alcohol. Well, it is getting me down a bit...but not too much.
The insomnia will go, it runs in cycles and has done since I was a child.
The pain in my legs I just have to deal with to an extent - it's caused by traumatic injuries from an old lifestyle and will never go away.
I am making the pain worse at the moment by exercising more than I should and working too hard, so I'm making an effort to slow down.
Recently I have had a very similar feeling many mornings. It's a combination of insomnia and pain in my legs. The insomnia provides the hangover feeling and the pain and joint stiffness mimics the way I would stagger around until I managed to get my head together enough to go to the shop for a bottle.
I'm strong enough mentally to deal with it though, thanks to the absence of alcohol. Well, it is getting me down a bit...but not too much.
The insomnia will go, it runs in cycles and has done since I was a child.
The pain in my legs I just have to deal with to an extent - it's caused by traumatic injuries from an old lifestyle and will never go away.
I am making the pain worse at the moment by exercising more than I should and working too hard, so I'm making an effort to slow down.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 135
That happens to me Lady Blue when I have drinking dreams. I've always been a vivid dreamer, so when I have dreams (nightmares) that I am wasted, they are very much like real life and take a minute or two for me to realize they were just a dream. I often feel hungover as well.
They are awful and terrifying, but yes, also reinforce my sobriety.
Thank for this post and keep fighting the good fight.
They are awful and terrifying, but yes, also reinforce my sobriety.
Thank for this post and keep fighting the good fight.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,576
Yes yes yes lady blue!
Those are some bad memories you just brought up for me! I too retreated to the back bedroom, and remember the fog waking up in that room. I knew we had a fight over something, but no idea of what upon awakening. We both drank very heavily.
The terror of waking up and leaving that room to face whatever it was. Sometimes I would just lay in there for hours, terrified to go face the music. Eventually I would come out with a real bad attitude as if he had wronged me in some way even though I had zero Idea of what it was and grab a beer and continue on my binge of the day. It was awful. Sometimes it would go on for days.
Normally he didn't remember either and followed suit with the drinking. I'm so glad I do not live that way anymore. Honestly I prefer just to sleep on the couch than go back in there in if cant sleep due to "snory mcsnororson" .lol
It's still a bedroom, but mostly just kind of storage now. The sunlight is terrible in the morning and would sting my Hung over eyes in the morning.
Thanks for the reminder. That really sucked
Those are some bad memories you just brought up for me! I too retreated to the back bedroom, and remember the fog waking up in that room. I knew we had a fight over something, but no idea of what upon awakening. We both drank very heavily.
The terror of waking up and leaving that room to face whatever it was. Sometimes I would just lay in there for hours, terrified to go face the music. Eventually I would come out with a real bad attitude as if he had wronged me in some way even though I had zero Idea of what it was and grab a beer and continue on my binge of the day. It was awful. Sometimes it would go on for days.
Normally he didn't remember either and followed suit with the drinking. I'm so glad I do not live that way anymore. Honestly I prefer just to sleep on the couch than go back in there in if cant sleep due to "snory mcsnororson" .lol
It's still a bedroom, but mostly just kind of storage now. The sunlight is terrible in the morning and would sting my Hung over eyes in the morning.
Thanks for the reminder. That really sucked
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