Frustrated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
Frustrated.
I have a pre-teen. She is in a bossy phase of life. However, now that I am sober, she has been really on my case lately.
Unfortunately, she has seen some of my antics. I was never the fall-down and throw up kind of drinker when I had her because I never wanted to lose custody. I would, however, pound vodka and red bull so I had the ENERGY to take care of her.
She is ADHD and very high strung. She can stay up until midnight plus and I always felt as if I was not a good enough parent if I wasn't watching movies while ordering a pizza, playing hide and seek and singing along with her to the same movie 3 times in a row. I couldn't match her energy level. So, I drank and tried to.
About a year ago, this all ended. Due to the hangovers and her seeing me level up and down from "fun parent" to "why are you in bed again?" was enough.
Now, she is asking why I won't do this and that. She begged me to watch a movie the other day after I spent 5 hours straight shopping, running around the park, and buying her pizza. She pouted and actually said "I miss the old you who used to stay up late and act crazy". I seriously don't think she knew how messed up I was. Plus exhausted.
However, I am not going back to that. But, she is constantly angry that I am "mellow". I want to go to the park and she wants to run through the house and drops hints that we should play video games until 1-2am. I tell her mom is not like that anymore, but should I tell her I was a serious alcoholic? Keep in mind I have custody issues here where I could lose her. Her dad wants any reason to take her.
She has never seen me pass out or fall over, but it was just enough to have her confused. I lived a double life. Thanks all.
Unfortunately, she has seen some of my antics. I was never the fall-down and throw up kind of drinker when I had her because I never wanted to lose custody. I would, however, pound vodka and red bull so I had the ENERGY to take care of her.
She is ADHD and very high strung. She can stay up until midnight plus and I always felt as if I was not a good enough parent if I wasn't watching movies while ordering a pizza, playing hide and seek and singing along with her to the same movie 3 times in a row. I couldn't match her energy level. So, I drank and tried to.
About a year ago, this all ended. Due to the hangovers and her seeing me level up and down from "fun parent" to "why are you in bed again?" was enough.
Now, she is asking why I won't do this and that. She begged me to watch a movie the other day after I spent 5 hours straight shopping, running around the park, and buying her pizza. She pouted and actually said "I miss the old you who used to stay up late and act crazy". I seriously don't think she knew how messed up I was. Plus exhausted.
However, I am not going back to that. But, she is constantly angry that I am "mellow". I want to go to the park and she wants to run through the house and drops hints that we should play video games until 1-2am. I tell her mom is not like that anymore, but should I tell her I was a serious alcoholic? Keep in mind I have custody issues here where I could lose her. Her dad wants any reason to take her.
She has never seen me pass out or fall over, but it was just enough to have her confused. I lived a double life. Thanks all.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Raising kids is tough, i have 3 of then and 2 are teenagers, so I know exactly what you are talking about. Believe me - they know what was going on when you were drinking, she probably just doesn't want to say anything about it. But we cannot change the past - only what we do today and moving forward. It will take time but she will get used to the new you.
Also remember that when girls start turning into teenagers EVERYTING changes - so it really doesn't matter what you do - conflict is inevitable ;-)
Also remember that when girls start turning into teenagers EVERYTING changes - so it really doesn't matter what you do - conflict is inevitable ;-)
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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I have noticed. She thought I was so much more fun blasted but I was useless. Sometimes I just want to tell her I wasn't a good mom and just because we laughed and played all day (while laundry and nothing got done) doesn't mean I should act like that ever again. And I wont. And she doesn't like it.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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why couldnt you sit back and watch a movie with her the other day?
i have a rather high strung 4 year old in this house. on the days im tuckered at the end of the day, i find it a joy to kik back with him and watch a movie.
even if i fall alseep while watching, he doesnt care.
i have a rather high strung 4 year old in this house. on the days im tuckered at the end of the day, i find it a joy to kik back with him and watch a movie.
even if i fall alseep while watching, he doesnt care.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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We have to quote every single word of one particular movie she likes. Then, if I don't sing the songs in it like she is used to she is upset. Having a 12 year old hormonal girl is VERY hard. I did fall asleep once sober and she got very very angry saying that since I did that we need to watch it again and that I "ruined the night". Moody and mean.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, behindblueeyes.
I get the bossy part. I used toteach at a girls' school.
They can want what they want.
It sounds like she is playing you a bit, though.
Sing and quote along or you have to watch it again?
Uh, no.
I get the bossy part. I used toteach at a girls' school.
They can want what they want.
It sounds like she is playing you a bit, though.
Sing and quote along or you have to watch it again?
Uh, no.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
behindblueyes,
Sounds like your kid is kind of running the show, huh?
I raised three daughters and believe me, I feel your pain, exhaustion and frustration. Puberty , bah!
Here's some of what I learned from my mistakes:
- Mistake 1: I did way too much for them. For instance, driving the kid and her friends to and from roller skating every week. And helping her to look for something she misplaced to try to keep her from freaking out. And taking her to Target 234 times/week. My thought was, "If I can do it, why not do it?" Well, because then she thinks I'll do anything she asks and will get upset when I say no. Also, why can't other parents drive sometimes?
- Mistake 2: Letting go of the concept of bedtime. I don't know what the "right" time is, but staying up routinely until 12 or 1am isn't really good for anyone, is it?
- Mistake 3: Allowing electronic devices at bedtime. In one case I allowed my 12 year old to have a computer in her room. Mistake! I had no idea what she was up to and it was no good. Bedrooms should be for relaxing and sleeping, but should not be used for watching tv or browsing facebook. This is not my idea, I've heard and read it with increasing frequency over the past several years. I recently made the change for myself and it has made a big difference in my sleep.
- Mistake 4: This is the Big One for me: Allowing guilt to overrule parenting. This resulted in a sense of entitlement in them, and I'm convinced once each of them figured it out they took advantage.
In short, I'd make an awesome parent now.
I'll bet that's why people love to be grandparents!
I saw an episode of something-or-other on youtube that might be helpful/insight provoking. If you'd like me to find it, send me a PM.
O
Sounds like your kid is kind of running the show, huh?
I raised three daughters and believe me, I feel your pain, exhaustion and frustration. Puberty , bah!
Here's some of what I learned from my mistakes:
- Mistake 1: I did way too much for them. For instance, driving the kid and her friends to and from roller skating every week. And helping her to look for something she misplaced to try to keep her from freaking out. And taking her to Target 234 times/week. My thought was, "If I can do it, why not do it?" Well, because then she thinks I'll do anything she asks and will get upset when I say no. Also, why can't other parents drive sometimes?
- Mistake 2: Letting go of the concept of bedtime. I don't know what the "right" time is, but staying up routinely until 12 or 1am isn't really good for anyone, is it?
- Mistake 3: Allowing electronic devices at bedtime. In one case I allowed my 12 year old to have a computer in her room. Mistake! I had no idea what she was up to and it was no good. Bedrooms should be for relaxing and sleeping, but should not be used for watching tv or browsing facebook. This is not my idea, I've heard and read it with increasing frequency over the past several years. I recently made the change for myself and it has made a big difference in my sleep.
- Mistake 4: This is the Big One for me: Allowing guilt to overrule parenting. This resulted in a sense of entitlement in them, and I'm convinced once each of them figured it out they took advantage.
In short, I'd make an awesome parent now.
I'll bet that's why people love to be grandparents!
I saw an episode of something-or-other on youtube that might be helpful/insight provoking. If you'd like me to find it, send me a PM.
O
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Perth Western Australia
Posts: 2,671
Once i got some sober time behind me last year- i realised that my oldest son (16 back then) was not coping with me being actually being sober!! Even though he had begged for me to stop drinking-and he was happy i wasn't drinking..
The roles must have been reversed for so long where he was "caring" for me and making sure that I got to bed etc, i think he felt misplaced when i was sober and on the ball again... The dynamics had been thrown out. I started feeling resentful that he was seeming so opinionated about everything and told him on several occasions that he needed to step back. I think the kids find it all very difficult... I have since relapsed a couple of times since but I daresay i'll be dealing with this again before too long if i stay off the booze.. Parenting is hard!! xx
The roles must have been reversed for so long where he was "caring" for me and making sure that I got to bed etc, i think he felt misplaced when i was sober and on the ball again... The dynamics had been thrown out. I started feeling resentful that he was seeming so opinionated about everything and told him on several occasions that he needed to step back. I think the kids find it all very difficult... I have since relapsed a couple of times since but I daresay i'll be dealing with this again before too long if i stay off the booze.. Parenting is hard!! xx
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
One thing I've learned in parenting is that it's harder to say no. Kids really don't like not getting their way, so I try to pick my battles wisely because once I say no I have to be prepared to stick to my guns no matter how much it upsets them. Since I've gotten sober my boys hear no more than they used to, but honestly tough luck, I wasn't doing them any favors by being so permissive. I try to keep it in my mind that I'm trying to raise men, not boys. It's totally natural that our parenting styles would change in sobriety, after all now we're actually present and focused. Keep up the good work, you're giving your daughter a great gift by doing this for yourself.
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I do let guilt override sometimes. I am a single mom so I feel like I have to make up for it. However, I am exhausted. I am up at 5am for work and she will expect to stay up until midnight watching movies tonight.
My job is manual labor. I can't stay up like this anymore. I will have to tell her tonight it's not happening. She really does run the show. She doesnt demand, but she will hint "remember when we watched movies and stayed up late?". If I say yes, but not tonight, the whining starts. Then, the negotiating. Then, the meltdown.
I need to stop this asap. Thanks for the advice.
My job is manual labor. I can't stay up like this anymore. I will have to tell her tonight it's not happening. She really does run the show. She doesnt demand, but she will hint "remember when we watched movies and stayed up late?". If I say yes, but not tonight, the whining starts. Then, the negotiating. Then, the meltdown.
I need to stop this asap. Thanks for the advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Really concur with what Obladi said.
I have a 15 year old stepdaughter-to-be and the three of us live together full time (she had chosen to live with her dad after the divorce). He does a wonderful job demonstrating a sober life (he is just past 14 mo and I am just past 18) and it is definitely not easy raising a teenager, though I think I'm pretty fortunate with this one!
The one thing I'd add to the comments above about boundaries, rules, etc is that my stepdaughter sees a therapist (less now than a year ago) and it has been a great outlet for her to express all kinds of stuff, from how her parents (her mom still drinks) alcoholism affected her and their family, to her normal teen stuff, to whatever. Perhaps counseling for you too - I know my psych is a critical part of my sobriety kit.
Take care. Being sober is still the best thing you can do for your child.
I have a 15 year old stepdaughter-to-be and the three of us live together full time (she had chosen to live with her dad after the divorce). He does a wonderful job demonstrating a sober life (he is just past 14 mo and I am just past 18) and it is definitely not easy raising a teenager, though I think I'm pretty fortunate with this one!
The one thing I'd add to the comments above about boundaries, rules, etc is that my stepdaughter sees a therapist (less now than a year ago) and it has been a great outlet for her to express all kinds of stuff, from how her parents (her mom still drinks) alcoholism affected her and their family, to her normal teen stuff, to whatever. Perhaps counseling for you too - I know my psych is a critical part of my sobriety kit.
Take care. Being sober is still the best thing you can do for your child.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by behindblueyes 
". If I say yes, but not tonight, the whining starts. Then, the negotiating. Then, the meltdown.
I need to stop this asap. Thanks for the advice.
I need to stop this asap. Thanks for the advice.
) decides to throw a temper tantrum because he doesnt get what he wants, he gets set where he can have it on his own- teaching consequences.and i dont negotiate- no means no.
not that i straight out say no. ill explain why no.
think about it- youre negotiating.
who negotiates? negotiators in a hostage crisis.
the child took a hostage.
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I'm glad you read behind the lines to see what I intended to say - I truly believe that you have an opportunity to right the course now. It's not going to be easy, for sure. In fact, it might feel harder than what you've been doing, but in the long run both of you will be better off for it.
I too was torn up and exhausted by my girls' whining, cajoling, guilt-flaming and tantrums. If I could go back ten years, I would develop a mantra to help me stay in adult mode and completely disregard tone of voice, physical cues and all of those other teenager irritants. Seems like all too often I regressed to acting their age.
If you haven't seen it, take a look at "One-Moment Meditation" on YouTube. Might help and it couldn't hurt.
Single mom to single mom, my heart goes out to you. You can do this!
p.s. Also what August said about counseling. Probably more for you than for her, though. She's just doing what kids do.
I too was torn up and exhausted by my girls' whining, cajoling, guilt-flaming and tantrums. If I could go back ten years, I would develop a mantra to help me stay in adult mode and completely disregard tone of voice, physical cues and all of those other teenager irritants. Seems like all too often I regressed to acting their age.
If you haven't seen it, take a look at "One-Moment Meditation" on YouTube. Might help and it couldn't hurt.
Single mom to single mom, my heart goes out to you. You can do this!
p.s. Also what August said about counseling. Probably more for you than for her, though. She's just doing what kids do.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds more like she wants a hyper pre-teen friend than a mom, and she pouts when you're not good enough in that role.
Be a MOM. A Sober mom.
And maybe help her get some hobbies where she can channel all that ADD energy and make some friends with other girls who share the same hobbies.
Be a MOM. A Sober mom.
And maybe help her get some hobbies where she can channel all that ADD energy and make some friends with other girls who share the same hobbies.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by behindblueyes
I have noticed. She thought I was so much more fun blasted but I was useless. Sometimes I just want to tell her I wasn't a good mom and just because we laughed and played all day (while laundry and nothing got done) doesn't mean I should act like that ever again. And I wont. And she doesn't like it.
Too bad that she doesn't like it. She'll just have to deal. You're being a sober responsible mom now. You can still laugh and play but not all day and in reason. Too bad if she pouts. She's just trying to get her way. Time for her to learn what being a responsible mom looks like. She might not like it now, but trust me when she grows up and looks back, she'll appreciate this new you so much more. She'll respect you for changing and not giving into her childish wishes.
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