It Is, Quite Literally, Always A New Day
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
It is a good post, Tatsy.
You are right - it's all intertwined.
Fini, it sounded good at the time/even felt true to say the nails in the coffin thing, but that was really an after-the-fact sort of thought.
This is the simple truth as best as I can tell it and I'm not sure I will be able to "figure" anything out. Which is good because it makes me want to rip my hair out when people ask me to explain an irrational thing.
1. I wanted to see what would happen right on top of the Antabuse
2. Curiosity peaked, I wanted to see what would happen the next week in relation to the Antabuse.
3. Curiosity satisfied, I wanted to see what would happen on the third week. Would I get drunk? Would I enjoy it? Yes. No.
Done with "experiments" now?
I can't promise - I've never been able to promise.
WHY NOT?
I. Don't. Know.
Ok off for a little (45 min one way) drive to the rehab to drop off some smokes.
You are right - it's all intertwined.
Fini, it sounded good at the time/even felt true to say the nails in the coffin thing, but that was really an after-the-fact sort of thought.
This is the simple truth as best as I can tell it and I'm not sure I will be able to "figure" anything out. Which is good because it makes me want to rip my hair out when people ask me to explain an irrational thing.
1. I wanted to see what would happen right on top of the Antabuse
2. Curiosity peaked, I wanted to see what would happen the next week in relation to the Antabuse.
3. Curiosity satisfied, I wanted to see what would happen on the third week. Would I get drunk? Would I enjoy it? Yes. No.
Done with "experiments" now?
I can't promise - I've never been able to promise.
WHY NOT?
I. Don't. Know.
Ok off for a little (45 min one way) drive to the rehab to drop off some smokes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
O,
I think I understand.
You discovered how sick a person can get with antabuse and alcohol. That info may be helpful for some individual whom you encounter that Is curious.
I'm hopeful you will not go that route again.
It's mid week. How are you? Friday is just around the corner and I'm curious if you have a game plan for the evening?
I think I understand.
You discovered how sick a person can get with antabuse and alcohol. That info may be helpful for some individual whom you encounter that Is curious.
I'm hopeful you will not go that route again.
It's mid week. How are you? Friday is just around the corner and I'm curious if you have a game plan for the evening?
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hello,
Been fessing up and I don't like it, but it had to be done. Spoke with my therapist Monday and yesterday, spoke with my sponsor Wed and Thur, spoke with my counselor last night, texted my daily accountability person today.
I will be going to the IOP clinic tonight to talk with my counselor and see if we can work out a treatment plan that doesn't involve going back to five nights/week there. I imagine I'll be staying for group as well.
Discoveries include
- People believe I make things too complicated (In a way, I agree, but more I think it's trying to fit my head around things that don't compute.) (Parenthetical statement proof of the first statement.)
- I have a strong objection to the word "surrender." Soused out during yesterday's therapy that it conveys a meaning that is violent and coercive to me - on my knees with a gun to my head. Willing I can do.
- Sponsor believes perhaps moving on to the 4th step is the right thing to do now. I am inclined to agree and so will do that. Although you know I needed a definition of resentment and it's still not quite clear to me. I'm going to use the barometer of "If I unexpectedly saw this person walking toward me on the street, would I experience anxiety?"
- What I think I feel is lacking is support for me as a whole person. Like... if I was at 0% wellness three months ago and I'm at 60% today, then I'd like someone in my life who sees that and sort of roots me on from that basis.
Anyhow, sorry for the sulking.
But if I can't be me here, where can I be me?
Been fessing up and I don't like it, but it had to be done. Spoke with my therapist Monday and yesterday, spoke with my sponsor Wed and Thur, spoke with my counselor last night, texted my daily accountability person today.
I will be going to the IOP clinic tonight to talk with my counselor and see if we can work out a treatment plan that doesn't involve going back to five nights/week there. I imagine I'll be staying for group as well.
Discoveries include
- People believe I make things too complicated (In a way, I agree, but more I think it's trying to fit my head around things that don't compute.) (Parenthetical statement proof of the first statement.)
- I have a strong objection to the word "surrender." Soused out during yesterday's therapy that it conveys a meaning that is violent and coercive to me - on my knees with a gun to my head. Willing I can do.
- Sponsor believes perhaps moving on to the 4th step is the right thing to do now. I am inclined to agree and so will do that. Although you know I needed a definition of resentment and it's still not quite clear to me. I'm going to use the barometer of "If I unexpectedly saw this person walking toward me on the street, would I experience anxiety?"
- What I think I feel is lacking is support for me as a whole person. Like... if I was at 0% wellness three months ago and I'm at 60% today, then I'd like someone in my life who sees that and sort of roots me on from that basis.
Anyhow, sorry for the sulking.
But if I can't be me here, where can I be me?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Hi Obladi, just be you here, because that's self-affirming and I hope you find power in that qualification, YOU, as a non-drinker. So I'll back out now, because you're following the AA Steps, and that's OK, I hope you do well and find sobriety and peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
O,
How has your weekend been?
Anything exciting to talk about? How about the not so exciting?
How is your daughter doing?
I see you haven't posted and I'm curious about that?
I'm here for you. I check here daily to see how you are.
Sending an immense amount of love your way.
How has your weekend been?
Anything exciting to talk about? How about the not so exciting?
How is your daughter doing?
I see you haven't posted and I'm curious about that?
I'm here for you. I check here daily to see how you are.
Sending an immense amount of love your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Obladi, thank you, I'm not going then. But as someone who has an indepth knowledge of the Big Book and its Twelve Steps suggestions, if you write something that indicates that your sponsor has digressed, or incorrectly interpreted, I shan't censor myself. Even if it results in me being banned, because, now that I've been sober and free from addiction for quite sometime, I realise how important the truth is, because I was, tragically, damaged by my first sponsor. Thankfully, my second, superb sponsor, righted me and set me free.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
My friend,
I am sorry that my travels have kept me from you but know that you are the main reason I log in.
I am sorry that you are struggling. The truth is as simple as it is hard -- the only way out is through -- and for us that means stopping drinking forever, what ever, how ever. None nada.
It is one of the few if not the only absolute in my life. I am not a black/white kind of girl -- I can always see things from another perspective.
But not drinking. I KNOW I cannot will not do not want to ever drink again. (funny that as I typed do not want to, got a little nudge from my addition -- need to think on that).
From my side of the pond, I see it so clearly for you. Don't torture yourself thinking about it. It is what it is, we can conquer the world, but we cannot drink. Make the choice for once and for all and then work on the rest.
But whatever you do, please come back -- we love you.
I am sorry that my travels have kept me from you but know that you are the main reason I log in.
I am sorry that you are struggling. The truth is as simple as it is hard -- the only way out is through -- and for us that means stopping drinking forever, what ever, how ever. None nada.
It is one of the few if not the only absolute in my life. I am not a black/white kind of girl -- I can always see things from another perspective.
But not drinking. I KNOW I cannot will not do not want to ever drink again. (funny that as I typed do not want to, got a little nudge from my addition -- need to think on that).
From my side of the pond, I see it so clearly for you. Don't torture yourself thinking about it. It is what it is, we can conquer the world, but we cannot drink. Make the choice for once and for all and then work on the rest.
But whatever you do, please come back -- we love you.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Dudes, I'm here - didn't I just check in a couple of days ago? 
Ok, so here's where it all stands right now...
(Censored, sorry.)
Treatment plan is - be accountable or at least present every weekday evening. Two days with the therapist, three at IOP with a possibility of joining another group that sounds suspiciously like "Chronic Intellectual Relapsers." I'm here doing whatever it takes and hating it, but willing.
I accept that I drink abusively. I think I understand that this is self-abuse and how horrid that is. Makes my stomach turn, really, just writing that. I remembered again in group this evening that at least two of my ex's said "If you are going to be so paranoid about me cheating, I might as well cheat." Gross and slimy because that was already happening. But my memory was in the context of "If all y'all are going to focus on is that I'm drinking and we're not going to acknowledge all of the other progress I've made, I might as well drink." AV abounds, I know. But there you have it. I'm abusing myself in the absence of an abuser? Ugh... how pitiful.
I've written quite a bit on the 4th step, much of the resentment directed toward myself but also predictably bringing up surprising connections. "Predictable & Surprising" being the operative paradox, right? Tatsy, I think my sponsor is in uncharted territory but also is doing a good job of helping me through this. She insists that I write a list of my positive traits to help me center and balance as I go along and is respectful of my process. Please do let me know if you sense any stink in the stew. It's more likely to be of my own making than hers.
Group tonight felt altogether too focused on me, but I think I'm ok with that because it seemed to be helpful to others in unexpected ways. Like there was a new guy who was So New but so in tune that I felt just huge compassion and connection at the same time. And though I don't think I actually said "I'm not worthy," another guy said, "Oh yes you are." And I'm not sure if it's the male-ness of these people who connected that is so comforting as much as it's the opposite-ness, but either way it was ok. Felt safe.
Dropsie, I can't but help think about it; it seems this is one area in which I simply am who I yam. No doubt I will get to the other side and say, "Now what was so difficult about that?!?." I'm so... humbled to have you sticking with me.
Fini, Hawk, Dee, Rose, Corrie and those I can't think of to name right now: thanks for being on Team O.
I
Will
Prevail
Just have to live in and stay in the now.
Somebody send me Eckhart Tolle.
STAT.
Ok, so here's where it all stands right now...
(Censored, sorry.)
Treatment plan is - be accountable or at least present every weekday evening. Two days with the therapist, three at IOP with a possibility of joining another group that sounds suspiciously like "Chronic Intellectual Relapsers." I'm here doing whatever it takes and hating it, but willing.
I accept that I drink abusively. I think I understand that this is self-abuse and how horrid that is. Makes my stomach turn, really, just writing that. I remembered again in group this evening that at least two of my ex's said "If you are going to be so paranoid about me cheating, I might as well cheat." Gross and slimy because that was already happening. But my memory was in the context of "If all y'all are going to focus on is that I'm drinking and we're not going to acknowledge all of the other progress I've made, I might as well drink." AV abounds, I know. But there you have it. I'm abusing myself in the absence of an abuser? Ugh... how pitiful.
I've written quite a bit on the 4th step, much of the resentment directed toward myself but also predictably bringing up surprising connections. "Predictable & Surprising" being the operative paradox, right? Tatsy, I think my sponsor is in uncharted territory but also is doing a good job of helping me through this. She insists that I write a list of my positive traits to help me center and balance as I go along and is respectful of my process. Please do let me know if you sense any stink in the stew. It's more likely to be of my own making than hers.
Group tonight felt altogether too focused on me, but I think I'm ok with that because it seemed to be helpful to others in unexpected ways. Like there was a new guy who was So New but so in tune that I felt just huge compassion and connection at the same time. And though I don't think I actually said "I'm not worthy," another guy said, "Oh yes you are." And I'm not sure if it's the male-ness of these people who connected that is so comforting as much as it's the opposite-ness, but either way it was ok. Felt safe.
Dropsie, I can't but help think about it; it seems this is one area in which I simply am who I yam. No doubt I will get to the other side and say, "Now what was so difficult about that?!?." I'm so... humbled to have you sticking with me.
Fini, Hawk, Dee, Rose, Corrie and those I can't think of to name right now: thanks for being on Team O.
I
Will
Prevail
Just have to live in and stay in the now.
Somebody send me Eckhart Tolle.
STAT.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
O,
For me, abusive drinking was just one in a line of so many things I did to self destruct.
My psychologically abusive, controlling and just mean ex-husband, chronic dysfunctional procrastination, quitting everything just as I was declared a success, etc etc. I literally could type 10 pages without even trying.
But until I stopped drinking I did not/could not make a change. I could not even really see the pattern.
Does it bother me to realise I spent most of my life trying to destroy myself. Sure.
But with sober eyes I can see it for what it is and do my best to stop the merry go round.
So can you. But, and I know it sounds like a cliche etc etc, but you will never solve the rest until you stop drinking.
Why am I so sure? Because the self loathing only stops when the drinking stops. That I know.
XXX
For me, abusive drinking was just one in a line of so many things I did to self destruct.
My psychologically abusive, controlling and just mean ex-husband, chronic dysfunctional procrastination, quitting everything just as I was declared a success, etc etc. I literally could type 10 pages without even trying.
But until I stopped drinking I did not/could not make a change. I could not even really see the pattern.
Does it bother me to realise I spent most of my life trying to destroy myself. Sure.
But with sober eyes I can see it for what it is and do my best to stop the merry go round.
So can you. But, and I know it sounds like a cliche etc etc, but you will never solve the rest until you stop drinking.
Why am I so sure? Because the self loathing only stops when the drinking stops. That I know.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
So you know how they always says to be careful opening the bins -- on the way from Hong Kong to Europe this morning the steward put my computer in the overhead bin for landing and it fell out when another passenger opened the bin, breaking my toe! Half a day at the hospital to be sure I did not need surgery, but they really cannot do anything, and it is truly amazing that such a small part of one’s body can hurt so much… should make my three flights from Brussels to the US tomorrow fun. so please do take care when opening the bins....
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Dropsie! Too funny and hubris-tistic that your laptop landed on your toe. I can imagine how that must have hurt and probably still does. Glad there is no need for surgery. Oy.
So many things have happened and thoughts have been had over the last several days I can barely keep up myself. And what with typing to you all, talking with the therapist and the counselor and the sponsor, my head is spinning a little bit and I worry about repeating myself. In any event...
I have a terrible secret about visiting my daughter at rehab Sunday that I can't tell you but at least I'm telling you there is one. Therapist and group both know, so hopefully that secret won't keep me sick. Anyhow, general good thoughts in regard to me and my daughter would be welcomed.
I am not a good fit for the Chronic Relapsers program (actually called Relapse Prevention and based on Gorsky's model) because I haven't been sober for at least a few months. In the meantime, my therapist tells me the IOP has ideas he wants to talk over in regard to my treatment, so I'm happy to hear what plan they may hatch.
4th step opened the door to childhood memories leading to adulthood questions. I found a bad feeling in my proverbial sack of rocks about a 5th grade classmate and a nun that was absolutely horrible. My memory was that the girl had stated she committed mortal sin (you go to hell for that) and that the nun had sort of confirmed that by nodding while the girl whispered the sin into her ear. Condemning a child to hell? Really? My grown self was outraged at this.
Anyhow, through a series of strange coincidences (if you choose to call them that), this girl-now-woman got in touch with me the very day after I'd been thinking of her. So I gingerly asked about the evil nun and the girl-now-woman mentioned nothing of the sort about mortal sin. So either... she completely blocked it out... or I made it up!
So then I called my mother, because in the course of telling this story to my counselor, I uttered my old truism that "in my house, we didn't do feelings." I said, "Mom, remember that time you picked me up from school when I was in 3rd grade and you asked me if anything was wrong as if my feelings were hurt?" She said no but she could see that happening because I was such a sensitive little thing. So then I asked if she knew how very horrible grade school was for me and she said, "No, because you didn't talk about your feelings." !!!! What? Here I've been blaming her for not "doing" feelings all of these years and it was me that didn't? That's... I dunno? Nuts? Mind-blowing in any event.
So where that leads me is... maybe I really just am who I am, a sort of oddball introverted person who built this shield of self-denial as some sort of fortress. Or something.
So this is too long "by half" as Snazzy would say so I'm going to close the laptop after reminding myself that I haven't written about youngest daughter and my realization that having her back in the house is a bigger deal than I thought.
Physically: I feel fairly well, mild headache and hungry!!
Mentally: Spinning some, but work is great
Spiritually: Can't help but pay attention
So many things have happened and thoughts have been had over the last several days I can barely keep up myself. And what with typing to you all, talking with the therapist and the counselor and the sponsor, my head is spinning a little bit and I worry about repeating myself. In any event...
I have a terrible secret about visiting my daughter at rehab Sunday that I can't tell you but at least I'm telling you there is one. Therapist and group both know, so hopefully that secret won't keep me sick. Anyhow, general good thoughts in regard to me and my daughter would be welcomed.
I am not a good fit for the Chronic Relapsers program (actually called Relapse Prevention and based on Gorsky's model) because I haven't been sober for at least a few months. In the meantime, my therapist tells me the IOP has ideas he wants to talk over in regard to my treatment, so I'm happy to hear what plan they may hatch.
4th step opened the door to childhood memories leading to adulthood questions. I found a bad feeling in my proverbial sack of rocks about a 5th grade classmate and a nun that was absolutely horrible. My memory was that the girl had stated she committed mortal sin (you go to hell for that) and that the nun had sort of confirmed that by nodding while the girl whispered the sin into her ear. Condemning a child to hell? Really? My grown self was outraged at this.
Anyhow, through a series of strange coincidences (if you choose to call them that), this girl-now-woman got in touch with me the very day after I'd been thinking of her. So I gingerly asked about the evil nun and the girl-now-woman mentioned nothing of the sort about mortal sin. So either... she completely blocked it out... or I made it up!
So then I called my mother, because in the course of telling this story to my counselor, I uttered my old truism that "in my house, we didn't do feelings." I said, "Mom, remember that time you picked me up from school when I was in 3rd grade and you asked me if anything was wrong as if my feelings were hurt?" She said no but she could see that happening because I was such a sensitive little thing. So then I asked if she knew how very horrible grade school was for me and she said, "No, because you didn't talk about your feelings." !!!! What? Here I've been blaming her for not "doing" feelings all of these years and it was me that didn't? That's... I dunno? Nuts? Mind-blowing in any event.
So where that leads me is... maybe I really just am who I am, a sort of oddball introverted person who built this shield of self-denial as some sort of fortress. Or something.
So this is too long "by half" as Snazzy would say so I'm going to close the laptop after reminding myself that I haven't written about youngest daughter and my realization that having her back in the house is a bigger deal than I thought.
Physically: I feel fairly well, mild headache and hungry!!
Mentally: Spinning some, but work is great
Spiritually: Can't help but pay attention
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
[QUOTE=
But, and I know it sounds like a cliche etc etc, but you will never solve the rest until you stop drinking.
Why am I so sure? Because the self loathing only stops when the drinking stops. That I know.
XXX[/QUOTE]
from my own experience, i so agree with you. and i couldn't see that until i had stopped for quite a while. and the self- loathing clouded my perception of everything. while i was insisting i had clarity.
But, and I know it sounds like a cliche etc etc, but you will never solve the rest until you stop drinking.
Why am I so sure? Because the self loathing only stops when the drinking stops. That I know.
XXX[/QUOTE]
from my own experience, i so agree with you. and i couldn't see that until i had stopped for quite a while. and the self- loathing clouded my perception of everything. while i was insisting i had clarity.
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