Dating Newcomers
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 137
Dating Newcomers
I went to women's recovery home for a meeting and I spoke at the meeting. At the meeting, everyone stated that I did a good job. I was in a position where I could easily get phone numbers if I had less social anxiety and used psychological methods used by pick-up artists.
My guts told me that is a major no-no in recovery and I went home without doing that. At four years and five months into my sobriety, I am in a position where I can do that but it is a major no-no. The reality is that too many newcomer women have been psychologically scared and abused. The last thing they need is a pick-up artist with multiple years of recovery to get them into a relationship even if it the intentions is good.
I refused to even think about dating somebody in the program who has less than six months in recovery and they have a year minimum to touch somebody. I have huge social anxiety problems which prevents me from getting into a relationship in the first place but I also have too much integrity to do something like that. Too many men I think are tempted to date the hot newcomer and that can lead to disaster for both. I have seen newcomer couples who do exceptionally well and get multiple years together but that is the exception and not the norm.
My guts told me that is a major no-no in recovery and I went home without doing that. At four years and five months into my sobriety, I am in a position where I can do that but it is a major no-no. The reality is that too many newcomer women have been psychologically scared and abused. The last thing they need is a pick-up artist with multiple years of recovery to get them into a relationship even if it the intentions is good.
I refused to even think about dating somebody in the program who has less than six months in recovery and they have a year minimum to touch somebody. I have huge social anxiety problems which prevents me from getting into a relationship in the first place but I also have too much integrity to do something like that. Too many men I think are tempted to date the hot newcomer and that can lead to disaster for both. I have seen newcomer couples who do exceptionally well and get multiple years together but that is the exception and not the norm.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
dating someone in the rooms should have a time limit on it, like
"...somebody in the program who has less than six months in recovery and they have a year minimum to touch somebody."
a year in the rooms doesnt mean they have worked the steps or have recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body.
idk why, but the whole post has me thinking. kind of strange for a womens recovery center to have men speaking.
might want to bring up what ya typed here with your sponsor. imo, theres something that should be addressed
"...somebody in the program who has less than six months in recovery and they have a year minimum to touch somebody."
a year in the rooms doesnt mean they have worked the steps or have recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body.
idk why, but the whole post has me thinking. kind of strange for a womens recovery center to have men speaking.
might want to bring up what ya typed here with your sponsor. imo, theres something that should be addressed
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
My sister-in-law has used the rooms of AA as a place to meet men for years.
One guy married her, was using heroin, and conned her out of nearly $75,000 that she inherited. When the money was gone he vanished.
Another guy relapsed, which led her to relapse, which led to domestic violence and she ending up in jail after cracking his head open with a flagpole.
Several other guys have moved in with her over the years and used her as well.
She is currently single, sober and going to AA - not sure if she has learned her lesson though.
One guy married her, was using heroin, and conned her out of nearly $75,000 that she inherited. When the money was gone he vanished.
Another guy relapsed, which led her to relapse, which led to domestic violence and she ending up in jail after cracking his head open with a flagpole.
Several other guys have moved in with her over the years and used her as well.
She is currently single, sober and going to AA - not sure if she has learned her lesson though.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
I am very happily married and have been for a long time.
But, if I were single, I could and would never date a lady who was new in recovery.
It would be borderline criminal to me, because it would very likely subvert her efforts to get and stay sober and it could cause me to relapse also.
I think the pattern Doug described above is a likely path for these types of relationships to follow (i.e., crash and burn in a big way).
But, if I were single, I could and would never date a lady who was new in recovery.
It would be borderline criminal to me, because it would very likely subvert her efforts to get and stay sober and it could cause me to relapse also.
I think the pattern Doug described above is a likely path for these types of relationships to follow (i.e., crash and burn in a big way).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 10
You were right to trust your gut. I dated a man with five years in AA a couple of years ago, when I was trying to stop drinking. Long story, but after we broke up, I went back to drinking and drank hard. I HATE him for what he did. He walked away from me, knowing I would probably not make it. This is a matter of life and death. Two years later, I now have two weeks. Did I mention I HATE him? Playing fast and loose with someone's life is downright evil.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by SoberOtter 
It doesn't go both ways. People trying to get sober are extremely vulnerable. This post is very triggering for me.
Also, btw, we women are on to those lame pickup artist strategies. We have the interwebs too.
Also, btw, we women are on to those lame pickup artist strategies. We have the interwebs too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Being invited to meetings to share a message of recovery is a privilege heh? Using or abusing that privilege to garner romantic interest would definitely seem to be an abuse of that responsibility.
As for pick up artistry, where to start....recovery for me has been about learning how I landed myself in so much hot water...not about jumping in the same old waters without getting burnt
P
As for pick up artistry, where to start....recovery for me has been about learning how I landed myself in so much hot water...not about jumping in the same old waters without getting burnt
P
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
This thread scared the hell out of me. I have a loved one in rehab now. It never dawned on me that people go to meetings just to hit on and score with vulnerable and weak people. Is it standard operating procedure to tell people in aa or rehab to avoid any type of possible romantic relationships?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Matt5150
Is it standard operating procedure to tell people in aa or rehab to avoid any type of possible romantic relationships?
It is scary to think about but there are people out there who prey on the vulnerable. It is not specific to the recovery community either...people get taken advantage of in all areas of life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Yes, relationships are not recommended in early sobriety, I think that's pretty standard procedure across the board.
It is scary to think about but there are people out there who prey on the vulnerable. It is not specific to the recovery community either...people get taken advantage of in all areas of life.
It is scary to think about but there are people out there who prey on the vulnerable. It is not specific to the recovery community either...people get taken advantage of in all areas of life.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
Originally Posted by tomsteve
dating someone in the rooms should have a time limit on it, like
"...somebody in the program who has less than six months in recovery and they have a year minimum to touch somebody."
a year in the rooms doesnt mean they have worked the steps or have recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body.
idk why, but the whole post has me thinking. kind of strange for a womens recovery center to have men speaking.
might want to bring up what ya typed here with your sponsor. imo, theres something that should be addressed
"...somebody in the program who has less than six months in recovery and they have a year minimum to touch somebody."
a year in the rooms doesnt mean they have worked the steps or have recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body.
idk why, but the whole post has me thinking. kind of strange for a womens recovery center to have men speaking.
might want to bring up what ya typed here with your sponsor. imo, theres something that should be addressed
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
we were very self centered
Originally Posted by crisco
Too many men I think are tempted to date the hot newcomer and that can lead to disaster for both.
We realize today that there is much involved in having a healthy relationship. Seems that when we were running wild with the booze and other things -- we were very self centered -- something that we work very hard on today to avoid.
M-Bob
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Matt5150
This thread scared the hell out of me. I have a loved one in rehab now. It never dawned on me that people go to meetings just to hit on and score with vulnerable and weak people. Is it standard operating procedure to tell people in aa or rehab to avoid any type of possible romantic relationships?
Presumably would be the same in a rehab, but not having been to one that is presumption on my part.
Trouble is, when we are first sober all those emotions we've dulled for a long time come out - intense and raw. Any attraction comes out as really intense. Any rejection as painfully raw. Even for single and available people it is obviously a minefield - one that is uneccesary and avoidable. But for married people or those in a long-term relationship, it would also mean shame and guilt and hurting people (mostly who have quite frankly already put up with quite enough rubbish treatment).
(BTW - I'm also suprised that a gender-specific rehab facility would bring in a speaker of the opposite sex!)
BB
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
IMO it's best not to "$h*t where you eat", regardless of how much time you have.
On another note, I got rejected by someone in the rooms that I wasn't even interested in last week. I had made no mention of it. Clearly he was into me and thought better of it as I'm new & he's got a decade. I'm grateful to not be preyed upon (which isn't uncommon in the rooms, I'm just a pretty tough cookie) but I'm not going to say that it did not then cross my mind as a personal freaking challenge, lol...talk about EGO!
All in check now. I so really & truly appreciated the fleeting feeling of rejection when I wasn't even asking!! I just have to laugh at it.
Feelings return in early sobriety, as we know, even (especially?) the sexual ones. Doesn't mean one has to act on it, just like thinking about a drink. I've managed to be quite selective thus far in life, not about to start sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry @ 40 BC I'm a tad lonely. I think savouring the fact that I'm uncomfortable at times is what will drive me to never have to get sober again.
I don't know that I'm going to wait an entire year to date. But it's not my priority. Maintaining my sobriety is #1.
No boyfriend, no problems...😉
Jules
On another note, I got rejected by someone in the rooms that I wasn't even interested in last week. I had made no mention of it. Clearly he was into me and thought better of it as I'm new & he's got a decade. I'm grateful to not be preyed upon (which isn't uncommon in the rooms, I'm just a pretty tough cookie) but I'm not going to say that it did not then cross my mind as a personal freaking challenge, lol...talk about EGO!
All in check now. I so really & truly appreciated the fleeting feeling of rejection when I wasn't even asking!! I just have to laugh at it.
Feelings return in early sobriety, as we know, even (especially?) the sexual ones. Doesn't mean one has to act on it, just like thinking about a drink. I've managed to be quite selective thus far in life, not about to start sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry @ 40 BC I'm a tad lonely. I think savouring the fact that I'm uncomfortable at times is what will drive me to never have to get sober again.
I don't know that I'm going to wait an entire year to date. But it's not my priority. Maintaining my sobriety is #1.
No boyfriend, no problems...😉
Jules
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by crisco
I went to women's recovery home for a meeting and I spoke at the meeting. At the meeting, everyone stated that I did a good job. I was in a position where I could easily get phone numbers if I had less social anxiety and used psychological methods used by pick-up artists.
My guts told me that is a major no-no in recovery and I went home without doing that. At four years and five months into my sobriety, I am in a position where I can do that but it is a major no-no. The reality is that too many newcomer women have been psychologically scared and abused. The last thing they need is a pick-up artist with multiple years of recovery to get them into a relationship even if it the intentions is good.
I refused to even think about dating somebody in the program who has less than six months in recovery and they have a year minimum to touch somebody. I have huge social anxiety problems which prevents me from getting into a relationship in the first place but I also have too much integrity to do something like that. Too many men I think are tempted to date the hot newcomer and that can lead to disaster for both. I have seen newcomer couples who do exceptionally well and get multiple years together but that is the exception and not the norm.
My guts told me that is a major no-no in recovery and I went home without doing that. At four years and five months into my sobriety, I am in a position where I can do that but it is a major no-no. The reality is that too many newcomer women have been psychologically scared and abused. The last thing they need is a pick-up artist with multiple years of recovery to get them into a relationship even if it the intentions is good.
I refused to even think about dating somebody in the program who has less than six months in recovery and they have a year minimum to touch somebody. I have huge social anxiety problems which prevents me from getting into a relationship in the first place but I also have too much integrity to do something like that. Too many men I think are tempted to date the hot newcomer and that can lead to disaster for both. I have seen newcomer couples who do exceptionally well and get multiple years together but that is the exception and not the norm.
I'm going to meetings in a new city this month.The men outnumber the woman five to one at most meetings. Many of the guys/gals are single but AA isn't a bastion of mental health so it's probably not a good idea to date other members.
I guess back in the day when I was single, had most of my hair and was a few pounds lighter I would be right there in the mix.
But I was already involved with a woman when I entered AA.
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
I endorse most of the comments...
Originally Posted by Matt5150
Absolutely. Sad sick world.
Originally Posted by Ken33xx
I'm going to meetings in a new city this month.The men outnumber the woman five to one at most meetings. Many of the guys/gals are single but AA isn't a bastion of mental health so it's probably not a good idea to date other members.
I guess back in the day when I was single, had most of my hair and was a few pounds lighter I would be right there in the mix.
But I was already involved with a woman when I entered AA.
I guess back in the day when I was single, had most of my hair and was a few pounds lighter I would be right there in the mix.
But I was already involved with a woman when I entered AA.
As a general principle the best relationships worked best when two people make each other happy in just being themselves. How then can two people do this when they are in the process of, at whatever stage, of attempting,in recovery to do this?
That said, I accept that friendships exist when the individuals involved provide each other with emotional support, which includes sharing their experience, strength and hope to help others, including themselves, to recover...I can see this working at meetings, no problem, balanced against the negative effects in relationships makes it, to say the least highly questionable and no one touches me or my sobriety, ever!
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