DarklingSong

I finally made it to 60 days.....most of it felt like a terrible struggle due to ongoing unpleasant physical symptoms. I saw the doctor- he didn't find anything but is sending me for further tests. I just have to face this down now, without alcohol......I say in my head that I will do this; no matter what but it still feels like a very shaky resolve. However, I know I won't drink today and at the moment thats all I am sure of.
I know absolutely I have crossed the line with drinking. I never could moderate. Frankly I never wanted to, so there is no fantasising about 'normal' drinking. What I am struggling with is that if things get really bad in my life will I be able to refrain from the 'I don't care anymore' impulse to self destruct. This remains I think the weakness in my commitment to recovery. There is a 'what if' clause- and I know that could bring me down if things get really rough health wise.
I am very lucky, I have a kind partner, a great child and an absorbing and interesting job. The steps I have taken to stay sober are working ok (I think). I don't crave daily....just weekends....and thats fairly easy to manage while there is nothing going wrong. I can handle minor day to day stresses- its the fears about health (mine and others) that I am scared about.
I would welcome advice/others experiences.
Thanks

Learninganew

You've done really well to get to 60 days. I wonder if you're getting any face to face support from meeting with other people in recovery? That helps me a lot I find. As for dealing with urges at the weekend, you know SR is open every day of the week around the clock so do reach out to us and maybe we can help you get through the challenge.

Dee74

Congrats on 60 days DS.

The more I stayed sober and the more I built a sober life I loved based on that sobriety, the more I was prepared to fight not to lose it

I also changed - my self esteem came back and 'eff it' suddenly became a much bigger thing than when I thought I was a loser anyway...

I had more at stake and much more to lose.

I found other ways to deal with the ups and downs, fears, and the occasional crises, of life

D

soberclover

60 days is wonderful! Huge accomplishment! The first year doing everything sober was at times challenging but so worth it to come out sober on the other side. This site was really key in my early sobriety with information, experience, as well as a great source for support and feedback. Glad you are here!

Mummyto2

Wow well done

DarklingSong

Thank you all for the wisdom and encouragement. Without the generosity of the folks on SR I would certainly have relapsed by now. I am not yet able to share the way others can here......my default position has always been to keep my 'defects' and struggles private.

I would never have connected the destructive impulse to drink in a crisis with self-esteem.....but it makes so much sense. For a long time I didn't give a crap about myself and felt a failure next to others. I am only now making that connection after reading your post Dee and I have had therapy many many times throughout my life!

One of the drivers of my drinking has been a terrible fear of illness and death- I have had this since I was 8 years old when my father died (he was very young). It left me with a sense that the world could disintegrate at any moment. Therapy did help but it didn't stop me from drinking to manage these feelings. Part of me just wanted to escape rather than truly accept the uncertainty of life and the pain of loss.

My physical symptoms are bringing up these fears again. I find the idea that I could leave my child without a mother just shatters me. Ridiculous that I have drank to manage such feelings when all I was doing was making an early demise more likely.....the madness of addiction.

Thanks for all your help.

Wholesome

What helped me was to think of it as I will never drink now. I know that I can maintain that forever. Never drinking now. When those thoughts surface in my mind I've learned to recognize them as my addiction talking to me and I simply reaffirm to myself that I never drink and the thoughts often go away. It's hard in the beginning because our brains have defaulted to drinking as the answer to everything but over time it gets easier. We can retrain our brains by not reinforcing the behaviour. 60 days is fantastic!

PhoenixJ

Hevyn

60 days (now 61 ) is so fabulous, Darkling. We're glad you are part of us.

waynetheking

60 days is AWESOME ! Just keep it up. For me at that stage in my sobriety I had to stay active. If I let my mind wander into the "what if," then i would certainly find an excuse to drink. For me it was about prayer and action. I stayed so busy in my first year of recovery i don't even remember it. I dug into my business. I traveled to meet and vist relatives. I exercised. And most importantly, i educated myself about this disease i have. When it finally dawned on me that i have a deadly disease and that drinking will kill me thats when i gave up the "what ifs". The impulse was gone. God helped me. But my part was crucial. 60 days is new beginning. My suggestion is to stop thinking about your illnesses and take action. Massive amounts of action is needed in dealing with alcoholism. I can't stress this enough. Go to meetings. Read books on alcoholism. Exercise. Sleep well. Eat right. Break the cycle of drinking anyway you know how. This disease will do anything to creep into your what ifs. It can and will take you out over it. Do the right thing and get busy.
I'm so glad you're here, congrats on 60. That's a milestone.

DarklingSong

Thanks to all of you. This is so hard right now (bad day at work and exhausted). But I don't feel alone anymore.
I am going to try and use this advice-
There is something incredible about this community. I feel so lucky to have found it.

Soberwolf

Nice work well done