New issues after sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Sao Paulo Brazil
Posts: 108
New issues after sobriety
After a long time of sobriety, Iīm facing new issues related to my behavior. I donīt like the things I used to like a few years ago, I donīt have any desire for sex or serious relationships, I became a cold, loner and arrogant man with my family and everybody else, Iīm feeling empty, completely showing no emotions and unaffected by emotions. I never attended AA, Iīm atheist, it wouldnīt never fit to me, I embraced my sobriety through meds and a psychiatrist only. I just wanted to share it. ..
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Flavinho, I guess you want to change or you wouldn't be posting here. As long term sober I do find my tastes have changed and I've embraced my introverted self. Alcohol was great for bringing me out of my shell; if only I could have stopped at one or two.
I suggest you might want to explore why you have become cold and distant with your family. It must be hurtful to them. If you love them, work out what's going on.
I suggest you might want to explore why you have become cold and distant with your family. It must be hurtful to them. If you love them, work out what's going on.
Semi-Professional Philosopher
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Rural PA
Posts: 1,021
I'm finding that I had to "reinvent" myself after I was sober. Things that were once really important just weren't anymore. Other things in my life took their place. Goes to show how the booze hazed our brain and emotions.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Almost all of us find that something else needs to change afrer we quit drinking flavino. The change is not easy either...most of us used alcohol to try and escape or run away from these underlying issues. The good news is that anyone can change if you truly want to. You may want to discuss these issues with a counselor or therapist if you have the ability to do so.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
You sound like you have been working with a doctor so I would definitely sit down with them and go through everything. If you are on meds those could be affecting you in who knows what ways.
Medicine issues aside, you sound a lot like an alcoholic who simply stopped drinking. Drinking was your solution to life and now it's gone and you don't know how to deal with life without the drink. Lots of people meet a terrible ending in life because they can stop drinking but don't know how to deal with life so they get out. The program of AA will help you with this and give you hope again. Like stated above, you don't need to believe in God to be successful or to follow the program of AA. Go to some meetings with an open mind and you may be very surprised and what you learn!
Medicine issues aside, you sound a lot like an alcoholic who simply stopped drinking. Drinking was your solution to life and now it's gone and you don't know how to deal with life without the drink. Lots of people meet a terrible ending in life because they can stop drinking but don't know how to deal with life so they get out. The program of AA will help you with this and give you hope again. Like stated above, you don't need to believe in God to be successful or to follow the program of AA. Go to some meetings with an open mind and you may be very surprised and what you learn!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,384
Originally Posted by flavinho 
After a long time of sobriety, Iīm facing new issues related to my behavior. I donīt like the things I used to like a few years ago, I donīt have any desire for sex or serious relationships, I became a cold, loner and arrogant man with my family and everybody else, Iīm feeling empty, completely showing no emotions and unaffected by emotions. I never attended AA, Iīm atheist, it wouldnīt never fit to me, I embraced my sobriety through meds and a psychiatrist only. I just wanted to share it. ..
It sounds like you're also suffering from depression. That's something you and your doctor have to work through. But I would still give AA a try. Many people in AA at one time or still do have similar feelings to yours.
But working through the steps and asking some kind of higher power for help, and it doesn't always have to be God, you can change alot of what you're going through.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Originally Posted by flavinho
After a long time of sobriety, Iīm facing new issues related to my behavior. I donīt like the things I used to like a few years ago, I donīt have any desire for sex or serious relationships, I became a cold, loner and arrogant man with my family and everybody else, Iīm feeling empty, completely showing no emotions and unaffected by emotions. I never attended AA, Iīm atheist, it wouldnīt never fit to me, I embraced my sobriety through meds and a psychiatrist only. I just wanted to share it. ..
AG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Regarding AA and faith, I'm sober 25 years and am an agnostic. Literature says a higher power is whatever we say it is. In my case GOD = "group of drunks". It works fine when I do the steps. I also suffer from depression but thanks to medication I'm fine most of the time. What I get from the program is the 12 Steps, which lead to real change, a fellowship of folks who understand me and the ability to do service. We alcoholics have enormous self will and are self-centered in the extreme. Through the steps and doing service I've changed a great deal. Helping other alcoholics gets me out of my self-centered fear.
I've felt what you describe, the flatness and lack of life spirit is devastating. But I have the tools to get out of it now, like picking up the phone and calling a newcomer.
A big hug!
I've felt what you describe, the flatness and lack of life spirit is devastating. But I have the tools to get out of it now, like picking up the phone and calling a newcomer.
A big hug!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
"problems" are a part of life. That they occur isn't as important to me as how I handle them and whether I created them. Most of the time I have a BIG part in their creation and how I handle them is indicative of how I'm really doing in my recovery.
Not drinking, to me, does not mean I'm in recovery. It's a necessary that I'm dry however, to move onto the next phases that equate to real recovery. Since I stopped drinking, I've slammed into more than a few times in my life where I was truly IN recovery and I've hit a lot of patches where I was just as crazy, separated, alone, crazy and angry as all heck. It was these "black times" where I finally got a clue what it alcoholism was for me. It didn't ONLY affect me when I was drinking. In fact, it hit me harder when I was NOT drinking - the pain usually led to me looking for escape from the pain be it in the form of alcohol...... working too much, watching too much TV, hiding away on the internet, you name it.
The terms "Terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair" I don't ever really hit me when I was loaded...but they did a number on me when I was dry - not drinking but not recovering. When I finally realized that it was my life "sober" (really, my life when I'm abstaining from alcohol only)that was kicking my butt, then it made sense why "just don't drink" never worked all that well for me. It also became apparent being sober wasn't enough - I wanted more - I needed more.
Like the tag line in my signature alludes to - one can't create a new experience using the same thinking that they've always used. Something had to change. Either I had to settle for this new "life" of depression, fear, feeling like I used to all the time only finding a way to cope with it better ....or.... seeking out a new way to live - a new way to be. I certainly didn't WANT to do the latter but I couldn't stand another day with the former. It felt like a horrible dilemma. Like things couldn't go any lower. Thankfully, it was exactly where I needed to be to finally throw in the towel, swallow some pride, and start to take some new actions that I didn't like or feel like doing. Suffice it to say, my entire life and world changed as a result.
Not drinking, to me, does not mean I'm in recovery. It's a necessary that I'm dry however, to move onto the next phases that equate to real recovery. Since I stopped drinking, I've slammed into more than a few times in my life where I was truly IN recovery and I've hit a lot of patches where I was just as crazy, separated, alone, crazy and angry as all heck. It was these "black times" where I finally got a clue what it alcoholism was for me. It didn't ONLY affect me when I was drinking. In fact, it hit me harder when I was NOT drinking - the pain usually led to me looking for escape from the pain be it in the form of alcohol...... working too much, watching too much TV, hiding away on the internet, you name it.
The terms "Terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair" I don't ever really hit me when I was loaded...but they did a number on me when I was dry - not drinking but not recovering. When I finally realized that it was my life "sober" (really, my life when I'm abstaining from alcohol only)that was kicking my butt, then it made sense why "just don't drink" never worked all that well for me. It also became apparent being sober wasn't enough - I wanted more - I needed more.
Like the tag line in my signature alludes to - one can't create a new experience using the same thinking that they've always used. Something had to change. Either I had to settle for this new "life" of depression, fear, feeling like I used to all the time only finding a way to cope with it better ....or.... seeking out a new way to live - a new way to be. I certainly didn't WANT to do the latter but I couldn't stand another day with the former. It felt like a horrible dilemma. Like things couldn't go any lower. Thankfully, it was exactly where I needed to be to finally throw in the towel, swallow some pride, and start to take some new actions that I didn't like or feel like doing. Suffice it to say, my entire life and world changed as a result.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by flavinho
After a long time of sobriety, Iīm facing new issues related to my behavior. I donīt like the things I used to like a few years ago, I donīt have any desire for sex or serious relationships, I became a cold, loner and arrogant man with my family and everybody else, Iīm feeling empty, completely showing no emotions and unaffected by emotions. I never attended AA, Iīm atheist, it wouldnīt never fit to me, I embraced my sobriety through meds and a psychiatrist only. I just wanted to share it. ..
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
A while back I listened to a very interesting speaker, a scientist whose name escapes me, but I heard about her on this site.
She made the statement that "you cannot selectively numb emotions."
Just speculating here, but let's suppose you are suffering from untreated alcoholism, which is a state often described resulting from not drinking without undergoing any other changes in ideas and behaviour.
That condition manifests itself through a whole gamut of negative emotions, summarized in AA as restless, irritable and discontent. It can also include fear, anger, resentment, boredom, intolerance etc. anger seems to be common, so if this was treated through medication to tone it down, it will tone down all the other emotions too, including the good ones like happiness, satisfaction, love, enjoyment etc.
So instead of being an unstable super grumpy sober person, one could become completely numb, non reactive, non caring, generally ambivalent sober person.
Neither condition has any appeal to me, and it seems you are not finding much fun in it either. Maybe it is time for a new approach. That might not be easy. I remember a woman coming of medication at six months sober for the sake of her unborn child. She reported that she began to feel all the uncomfortable feelings of early sobriety. It seems she hadnt managed to avoid them, just postpone them.
It seems to make sobriety a satisfactory way of life, there is a bit of pain to be gone through, and there doesn't seem to be any way around that.
She made the statement that "you cannot selectively numb emotions."
Just speculating here, but let's suppose you are suffering from untreated alcoholism, which is a state often described resulting from not drinking without undergoing any other changes in ideas and behaviour.
That condition manifests itself through a whole gamut of negative emotions, summarized in AA as restless, irritable and discontent. It can also include fear, anger, resentment, boredom, intolerance etc. anger seems to be common, so if this was treated through medication to tone it down, it will tone down all the other emotions too, including the good ones like happiness, satisfaction, love, enjoyment etc.
So instead of being an unstable super grumpy sober person, one could become completely numb, non reactive, non caring, generally ambivalent sober person.
Neither condition has any appeal to me, and it seems you are not finding much fun in it either. Maybe it is time for a new approach. That might not be easy. I remember a woman coming of medication at six months sober for the sake of her unborn child. She reported that she began to feel all the uncomfortable feelings of early sobriety. It seems she hadnt managed to avoid them, just postpone them.
It seems to make sobriety a satisfactory way of life, there is a bit of pain to be gone through, and there doesn't seem to be any way around that.
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