Realizing Why I Drank
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 74
Realizing Why I Drank
I'm now 30 days sober. Have dropped some lbs and my resting heart rate and BP have come down quite a bit.
I've realized that I never drank because I liked it or liked the taste. I drank because for years I was self medicating anxiety and OCD with weed, and then that started causing me panic attacks I swapped in beer. I always was trying to escape from my own head because I feared it. All I knew was booze worked great at quieting my mind. Then as the years went on it became obvious that booze and I should not be friends.
I finally found a therapist who is treating the OCD specifically. I made great progress and thought I wanted to drink again because that's just what I did. I'd lose control of how much I drink regularly. I recently took about 4 steps back because I let myself get sucked into the booze habit. It took an ER visit to get my ass in gear. Oddly enough in the 5 year anniversary of when I quit smoking (even though I did smoke roughly 2 packs Total on wasted nights during that timeframe-yet another reason to not drink...cigs, hangovers and marathon training do not work well). My problem is once I drink my brain loves the quiet time. I go from busy mind to blank. Caring about everything to nothing. One extreme to another. I've been living in the extremes and not the middle.
For me I can't drink because it's hard to walk away once I do. The lure of the easy way out, drinking, is not as strong the longer I stay away from it. Now that I'm 30 days in I've realized that it's just time to stay away.
Resizing this is big for me. It doesn't make the thoughts about drinking go away but it makes them less strong. The only running I'm going to be doing is with my legs.
I've realized that I never drank because I liked it or liked the taste. I drank because for years I was self medicating anxiety and OCD with weed, and then that started causing me panic attacks I swapped in beer. I always was trying to escape from my own head because I feared it. All I knew was booze worked great at quieting my mind. Then as the years went on it became obvious that booze and I should not be friends.
I finally found a therapist who is treating the OCD specifically. I made great progress and thought I wanted to drink again because that's just what I did. I'd lose control of how much I drink regularly. I recently took about 4 steps back because I let myself get sucked into the booze habit. It took an ER visit to get my ass in gear. Oddly enough in the 5 year anniversary of when I quit smoking (even though I did smoke roughly 2 packs Total on wasted nights during that timeframe-yet another reason to not drink...cigs, hangovers and marathon training do not work well). My problem is once I drink my brain loves the quiet time. I go from busy mind to blank. Caring about everything to nothing. One extreme to another. I've been living in the extremes and not the middle.
For me I can't drink because it's hard to walk away once I do. The lure of the easy way out, drinking, is not as strong the longer I stay away from it. Now that I'm 30 days in I've realized that it's just time to stay away.
Resizing this is big for me. It doesn't make the thoughts about drinking go away but it makes them less strong. The only running I'm going to be doing is with my legs.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Originally Posted by Debbyjay 
I definitely drink to escape, at least in part. But now I am also addicted to alcohol, which means NO MORE booze! I would really like to know why I am so desperate to escape!
staying sober might not necessarily give you the answer to the question, but it will give you a good shot at an answer as to what to do instead of running away
welcome, iew and Debbyjay!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Congrats on 30 days - hope the counseling helps with the OCD and anxiety
For me I had to not only work on the issues I self medicated for, but also the alcoholism I developed as a maladaptive way to deal with that.
It's a lot of work sure - but it's worth the effort
D
For me I had to not only work on the issues I self medicated for, but also the alcoholism I developed as a maladaptive way to deal with that.
It's a lot of work sure - but it's worth the effort
D
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