Devastating loss in sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 107
Devastating loss in sobriety
I am at 39 days sober as of today and what a rocky ride it has been. 12 days ago, my wife of 18 years passed away. 19 days ago my wife's 3 yr. grandson was given to the care of her sister, due to my wife being unable to care for him. Because of a failing heart.
5 days ago my wife's oldest daughter gave up care of my wife's 12 yr. old granddaughter to her sister. She was designated as the person to raise her by my wife. She declined.
I was the father to both of these children since they were infants and now feel like my whole world has been torn apart. I have essentially lost my family and the three people I loved more in this world than anyone else.
While I would like to address some issues that have arisen as a result of these circumstances in another thread, my question to the group is how do you survive such devastating losses in sobriety and how do you keep moving on? Can anyone relate to what I've gone through and any body got some helpful insight? I could really use some feedback right now. Thanks.
5 days ago my wife's oldest daughter gave up care of my wife's 12 yr. old granddaughter to her sister. She was designated as the person to raise her by my wife. She declined.
I was the father to both of these children since they were infants and now feel like my whole world has been torn apart. I have essentially lost my family and the three people I loved more in this world than anyone else.
While I would like to address some issues that have arisen as a result of these circumstances in another thread, my question to the group is how do you survive such devastating losses in sobriety and how do you keep moving on? Can anyone relate to what I've gone through and any body got some helpful insight? I could really use some feedback right now. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Stellar,
I am so sorry for your loss...there really are no words. The devastation of losing your wife alone has got to be horrible. I have lost many people in my life: 2 sisters, a brother, a niece and both parents. TBH, I never did very well with each loss...hence the reason I ended up here. If I could have handled things differently, I would have gone to grief counseling.
As hard has it may be for you right now, relapsing is not the answer. Trust me, BTDT and it made things 10 times worse and took me down a very dark road. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stay away from that first drink and continue on the road to sobriety. THINK- Your wife can become your HP and help you move through this time and help you move through the grief.
My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry for your loss...there really are no words. The devastation of losing your wife alone has got to be horrible. I have lost many people in my life: 2 sisters, a brother, a niece and both parents. TBH, I never did very well with each loss...hence the reason I ended up here. If I could have handled things differently, I would have gone to grief counseling.
As hard has it may be for you right now, relapsing is not the answer. Trust me, BTDT and it made things 10 times worse and took me down a very dark road. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stay away from that first drink and continue on the road to sobriety. THINK- Your wife can become your HP and help you move through this time and help you move through the grief.
My heart goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
Stellar- prayers, I have no words which could adequately console you. I have had a rocky 2 years- one of my threads explains the whole thing- but I am offering what I can to aid you- not draw attention to myself.
Firstly grief will have it's run. With so much going on support is a very good idea for you- a counsellor, psychologist- someone who is not intimate in your circle.
Then- and quite obviously- DO NOT DRINK. After all I went through- I did, and stuff spiralled. Meetings for support, regularly are essential for me.
Then remember the HALTS bit. If you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired/Tirsty or Sad/stressed - do what you can to help yourself then. So eat, hydrate, rest- talk to someone. Post here a lot. Join some of the threads.
Grief/sadness comes in waves. So try just to stay in the moment o and focus on today- on that moment. Worry about tomorrow- tomorrow.
Keep a running list. All that has happened will seem as if it is one huge horrible mess. Isolate each thought, feeling, problem, task- and work on each individually with a plan of what you need to do. Also journal- write stuff down, obsessively if you are like me- it truly helps.
Allow yourself to grieve. Strength comes in accepting feelings.
empathy to you and support.
DO NOT DRINK!
Emapthy and
Firstly grief will have it's run. With so much going on support is a very good idea for you- a counsellor, psychologist- someone who is not intimate in your circle.
Then- and quite obviously- DO NOT DRINK. After all I went through- I did, and stuff spiralled. Meetings for support, regularly are essential for me.
Then remember the HALTS bit. If you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired/Tirsty or Sad/stressed - do what you can to help yourself then. So eat, hydrate, rest- talk to someone. Post here a lot. Join some of the threads.
Grief/sadness comes in waves. So try just to stay in the moment o and focus on today- on that moment. Worry about tomorrow- tomorrow.
Keep a running list. All that has happened will seem as if it is one huge horrible mess. Isolate each thought, feeling, problem, task- and work on each individually with a plan of what you need to do. Also journal- write stuff down, obsessively if you are like me- it truly helps.
Allow yourself to grieve. Strength comes in accepting feelings.
empathy to you and support.
DO NOT DRINK!
Emapthy and
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Very sorry to hear of your loss stellar. As others have mentioned, dealing with grief and loss is a very difficult thing, but at least sober you have a chance. Drinking is merely an avoidance and actually creates more problems of its own.
As far as how you actually deal with big life events/losses its kind of different for everyone. Talking about the issues is definitely important as most won't just "go away" over time. So coming here to bring it up is a great first step. You may find others who have been through something similar.
Finding a local support network is essential too I think. Whether it be family, friends, clergy, therapy/counseling - it's good to have live human interaction too.
As far as how you actually deal with big life events/losses its kind of different for everyone. Talking about the issues is definitely important as most won't just "go away" over time. So coming here to bring it up is a great first step. You may find others who have been through something similar.
Finding a local support network is essential too I think. Whether it be family, friends, clergy, therapy/counseling - it's good to have live human interaction too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Stellar,
My goodness, my sincerest condolences.
I really don't have any advice for you. Al I know is that a drink would make this feel much worse. I hope it's not an option.
Reach out as much as you can to whomever you can wherever you can.
Congratulations on 39 days (my 39th day as well!) Prayers and support to you!!
Jules
My goodness, my sincerest condolences.
I really don't have any advice for you. Al I know is that a drink would make this feel much worse. I hope it's not an option.
Reach out as much as you can to whomever you can wherever you can.
Congratulations on 39 days (my 39th day as well!) Prayers and support to you!!
Jules
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Arizona
Posts: 107
I went to church today to express my gratitude to the people who stood behind us(my departed wife and I) and offer my Thanks to God for his incredible strength through this ordeal.
This morning I had breakfast at a local restaurant with a friend who shares my faith. Afterwards I received a call from a former co-worker who could totally relate. He lost companion of 10 years some time ago. With some 15 years,of being clean and sober he offered some valuable info that I. Really appreciated hearing. What a blessed day it has been since I first posted this morning.
Thanks for reminding me,guys that no matter how bad the grief might seem, there is absolutely no situation that a drink will help and will not make worse. Sometimes the most practical advice turns out to be the lifesaver. I needed to hear that.
This morning I had breakfast at a local restaurant with a friend who shares my faith. Afterwards I received a call from a former co-worker who could totally relate. He lost companion of 10 years some time ago. With some 15 years,of being clean and sober he offered some valuable info that I. Really appreciated hearing. What a blessed day it has been since I first posted this morning.
Thanks for reminding me,guys that no matter how bad the grief might seem, there is absolutely no situation that a drink will help and will not make worse. Sometimes the most practical advice turns out to be the lifesaver. I needed to hear that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
So sorry to hear of this and we'll done for dealing with it so far. I'm sure you will make the right decisions and take the right actions. If you stay sober you can ne there and continue to deal with things in the right way
P
P
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I'm sorry for your loss and those massive changes Stellar.
It's times like these I rely on this community a lot - when I'm scared and lost and hurting, it means the world to me to know I'm not alone.
I've found I am stronger and more capable than I eve let myself believe when I was drinking.
I've had people who relied on me - some of those people sadly are no longer here, but I will not let any of them down by giving in and going backwards.
That guy doesn't exist anymore.
You can do this Stellar
D
It's times like these I rely on this community a lot - when I'm scared and lost and hurting, it means the world to me to know I'm not alone.
I've found I am stronger and more capable than I eve let myself believe when I was drinking.
I've had people who relied on me - some of those people sadly are no longer here, but I will not let any of them down by giving in and going backwards.
That guy doesn't exist anymore.
You can do this Stellar
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Stellar45 
I am at 39 days sober as of today and what a rocky ride it has been. 12 days ago, my wife of 18 years passed away. 19 days ago my wife's 3 yr. grandson was given to the care of her sister, due to my wife being unable to care for him. Because of a failing heart.
5 days ago my wife's oldest daughter gave up care of my wife's 12 yr. old granddaughter to her sister. She was designated as the person to raise her by my wife. She declined.
I was the father to both of these children since they were infants and now feel like my whole world has been torn apart. I have essentially lost my family and the three people I loved more in this world than anyone else.
While I would like to address some issues that have arisen as a result of these circumstances in another thread, my question to the group is how do you survive such devastating losses in sobriety and how do you keep moving on? Can anyone relate to what I've gone through and any body got some helpful insight? I could really use some feedback right now. Thanks.
5 days ago my wife's oldest daughter gave up care of my wife's 12 yr. old granddaughter to her sister. She was designated as the person to raise her by my wife. She declined.
I was the father to both of these children since they were infants and now feel like my whole world has been torn apart. I have essentially lost my family and the three people I loved more in this world than anyone else.
While I would like to address some issues that have arisen as a result of these circumstances in another thread, my question to the group is how do you survive such devastating losses in sobriety and how do you keep moving on? Can anyone relate to what I've gone through and any body got some helpful insight? I could really use some feedback right now. Thanks.
Sometimes all you can do or say when life slams you to the ground is I didn't drink today.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 739
Originally Posted by Stellar45
I am at 39 days sober as of today and what a rocky ride it has been. 12 days ago, my wife of 18 years passed away. 19 days ago my wife's 3 yr. grandson was given to the care of her sister, due to my wife being unable to care for him. Because of a failing heart.
5 days ago my wife's oldest daughter gave up care of my wife's 12 yr. old granddaughter to her sister. She was designated as the person to raise her by my wife. She declined.
I was the father to both of these children since they were infants and now feel like my whole world has been torn apart. I have essentially lost my family and the three people I loved more in this world than anyone else.
While I would like to address some issues that have arisen as a result of these circumstances in another thread, my question to the group is how do you survive such devastating losses in sobriety and how do you keep moving on? Can anyone relate to what I've gone through and any body got some helpful insight? I could really use some feedback right now. Thanks.
5 days ago my wife's oldest daughter gave up care of my wife's 12 yr. old granddaughter to her sister. She was designated as the person to raise her by my wife. She declined.
I was the father to both of these children since they were infants and now feel like my whole world has been torn apart. I have essentially lost my family and the three people I loved more in this world than anyone else.
While I would like to address some issues that have arisen as a result of these circumstances in another thread, my question to the group is how do you survive such devastating losses in sobriety and how do you keep moving on? Can anyone relate to what I've gone through and any body got some helpful insight? I could really use some feedback right now. Thanks.
What can I say? I can offer condolences and so on, I suppose, but that doesn't quite cover it.
All I can offer, in terms of my experience, is that the hardest things to deal with don't get any easier with drink.
Thinking of you.
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