Worried about telling people
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: England
Posts: 92
Worried about telling people
Hi everyone,
I'm currently 19 days sober and so far only my wife knows that I'm trying to stay away from the drink. I got a text message yesterday from my friend inviting me out for his birthday in a few weeks. Now I know that I can't go because I know I'll probably end up drinking and I don't want to go down that road again.
I'm seeing him tomorrow for lunch and want to explain to him why I can't go, but I'm getting very anxious about it. I'm 99.9% sure he'll have no issue with it and everything will be cool, but it's just making me feel down about myself and how I've gotten into this situation. It's hard to explain how I really feel, I'm just lost in my emotions. I'm happy with what I'm doing and know it's the right thing to do, but now being faced with putting it out there I just feel insecure and that I'm going to be judged or something.
I just wondered how you guys have dealt with this stuff in your journeys.
I'm currently 19 days sober and so far only my wife knows that I'm trying to stay away from the drink. I got a text message yesterday from my friend inviting me out for his birthday in a few weeks. Now I know that I can't go because I know I'll probably end up drinking and I don't want to go down that road again.
I'm seeing him tomorrow for lunch and want to explain to him why I can't go, but I'm getting very anxious about it. I'm 99.9% sure he'll have no issue with it and everything will be cool, but it's just making me feel down about myself and how I've gotten into this situation. It's hard to explain how I really feel, I'm just lost in my emotions. I'm happy with what I'm doing and know it's the right thing to do, but now being faced with putting it out there I just feel insecure and that I'm going to be judged or something.
I just wondered how you guys have dealt with this stuff in your journeys.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You really don't owe anyone an explanation Foley. And you are right - most people really don't care one way or the other if you drink or not. We obsess about it because we are alcoholics, but for the most part no one else notices or cares in the least.
If he is a true friend he will understand and support your decision, but you really don't need to explain anything if you don't want to. If his birthday celebration is really just a drinking night, just tell him you don't feel like going, that's all you need to say.
If he is a true friend he will understand and support your decision, but you really don't need to explain anything if you don't want to. If his birthday celebration is really just a drinking night, just tell him you don't feel like going, that's all you need to say.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 82
I've got a handful of very close friends who know everything. It was easy for me to hide my drinking because I live alone and would just withdraw from the world.
I have to handle questions from acquaintances now I go to the pub again and my answer is to say that I am spending all my spare cash on my motorcycle
It'll probably turn out to be easier than you think...
I have to handle questions from acquaintances now I go to the pub again and my answer is to say that I am spending all my spare cash on my motorcycle
It'll probably turn out to be easier than you think...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Outside of perhaps a few close people that truly know the extent of your drinking (such as how you've spoken with your wife) I find it best to just keep it to yourself. Announcing to the world that you have a drinking problem generally seems to not have a positive reaction.
You have to put your sobriety first and if that means you'll have to miss a birthday party, don't worry about it. There will be more in the future you can attend once you get a solid footing on your sobriety.
You have to put your sobriety first and if that means you'll have to miss a birthday party, don't worry about it. There will be more in the future you can attend once you get a solid footing on your sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: England
Posts: 92
Yeah, I'm fine with missing the party. It's more of just telling someone that this is a problem and admitting it. He's one of my best friends so I feel I should be honest with him and then hopefully it'll make things easier down the line. If I wasn't telling him now it would only come up again in a few weeks. I feel dealing with it and being honest is better for me than avoiding the subject. I've done that in the past and I've always ended up drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
If you tell him and he is happy for you, he is truly a best friend.
When I was drinking I made a lot of poor choices. I chose alcohol as a best friend for god's sake. I was not much better at judging which people were best friends either.
Since I have sobered up, my best friends are still around. Some that I thought were best friends, turned out to have been merely drinking buddies. They chose to leave.
Sobriety has been very enlightening. Small wonder considering that alcohol is no longer clogging up and closing off my thought processes.
When I was drinking I made a lot of poor choices. I chose alcohol as a best friend for god's sake. I was not much better at judging which people were best friends either.
Since I have sobered up, my best friends are still around. Some that I thought were best friends, turned out to have been merely drinking buddies. They chose to leave.
Sobriety has been very enlightening. Small wonder considering that alcohol is no longer clogging up and closing off my thought processes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Hi. It seems like you want to tell him. Maybe tomorrow isn't the day. Perhaps fib a bit and say you're not feeling 100%.
This will give you time to figure out particulars of sharing, if decide to or not.
A handful of people know of my alcoholism. I don't owe anyone and I do not expect that they will understand. I didn't get my A husband when I was not an A. Only fully understood the hell after I became one.
You'll figure it out. Congrats on your days!
Jules
This will give you time to figure out particulars of sharing, if decide to or not.
A handful of people know of my alcoholism. I don't owe anyone and I do not expect that they will understand. I didn't get my A husband when I was not an A. Only fully understood the hell after I became one.
You'll figure it out. Congrats on your days!
Jules
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I never felt any shame or reason to hide why I don't drink. I'm proud of that fact, and I figure anyone who looks down on me for it isn't the kind of person I'd want as a friend anyway. Now that I'm sober for a wee bit I simply don't care what anyone else thinks of me. I'm me and I'm happy with that.
Soberado
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Cleveland Ohio-ish
Posts: 395
I personally felt no good reason to broadcast my sobriety to anyone but my wife and parents. Eventually friends will figure it out on their own without being told directly. Due to what I do for a living I wanted to avoid the negative connotations associated with any dependency issue, whether you believe it or not people like to label and judge. Maybe I'm being cynical with my above comment.
A simple "no thank you" or "I'm not really into drinking tonight" has worked for me and If people push, I fall back on "I don't drink and drive." I have been to many bars and outings where booze was flowing like the waters of the Mississippi river and heard crickets after I said no--I personally believe most people really don't care if you drink or not but misery still loves company.
Good luck and stay sober.
A simple "no thank you" or "I'm not really into drinking tonight" has worked for me and If people push, I fall back on "I don't drink and drive." I have been to many bars and outings where booze was flowing like the waters of the Mississippi river and heard crickets after I said no--I personally believe most people really don't care if you drink or not but misery still loves company.
Good luck and stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Congrats foley on 19 days.
My experience over the last 18 plus months is that I only tell people I quit drinking. Most say good for you. A few have said it's about time and some ask why? The longer I continue on my path the less I care about telling people.
As someone else said, the only people that worry about other drinkers are problem drinkers. I still haven't met a normie that even cares about others drinking.
My experience over the last 18 plus months is that I only tell people I quit drinking. Most say good for you. A few have said it's about time and some ask why? The longer I continue on my path the less I care about telling people.
As someone else said, the only people that worry about other drinkers are problem drinkers. I still haven't met a normie that even cares about others drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Nevada
Posts: 157
Mr. Foley
Your sobriety is yours. You don't owe anybody you don't want to tell about it. The path I took was just that. I'm not by anyway ashamed of who I am or what I've been through, I just only share this with whom I see fit to be able to handle it. Peace.......
TC
Your sobriety is yours. You don't owe anybody you don't want to tell about it. The path I took was just that. I'm not by anyway ashamed of who I am or what I've been through, I just only share this with whom I see fit to be able to handle it. Peace.......
TC
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 739
People close to me know my story.
My work friends think I quit because of a bad stomach (not a complete lie, pancreatitis causes quite the pain in the stomach).
You could probably just tell your friend you aren't drinking at the moment and would rather give the party a miss.
I don't mind people having a drink around me but man, drunk people are REALLY annoying when you're sober!
My work friends think I quit because of a bad stomach (not a complete lie, pancreatitis causes quite the pain in the stomach).
You could probably just tell your friend you aren't drinking at the moment and would rather give the party a miss.
I don't mind people having a drink around me but man, drunk people are REALLY annoying when you're sober!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 78
I don't necessarily say "I'm an alcoholic" although I am... I might say "my drinking was concerning me, so I quit" or "I'm really focusing on being healthy and my drinking wasn't conducive to that" or something to that effect. It really isn't as big of a deal as we think it's going to be. Some of my friends have been cool with me quitting, some haven't... so I don't hang out with them anymore. Good friends want what is best for you, not what is most entertaining to them. Good luck!
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