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Marital Problems

Old 09-25-2019, 11:26 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I'm glad you were able to get sober newhope and have seen some things improve. My experience was that there was a lot of damage done to my relationship with my girlfriend...then wife while drinking, and while sobriety seemed to help with some of our problems with the relationship it didn't fix everything. I came to realize that in some ways she was as sick as me in her co-dependence. When the booze was removed from the equation we started clashing about other issues that never came up during my drinking. Ultimately we ended up parting ways (luckily we hadn't had kids yet).

I know a lot of couples that have done great once the alcoholic one got sober, and I know others that have done great when both parties got into recovery or therapy. But it seems that if one party gets into recovery and the other is stuck in the past things often don't work out. Wishing the best for you moving forward.

Edit to add one more thing: Regardless of what happens in your relationship it's my experience that if you don't deal with the resentments it's going to be difficult to stay sober in the long run. I'm speaking from personal experience on this topic. I have had a couple of long stretches of sobriety (6+ and 7 years) and ended up relapsing over resentments I couldn't let go of.

I now have over 6 years sober again and this time I worked the steps with an AA sponsor, as one of the keys in the steps is identifying and ridding ourselves of resentments. My only regret is that I avoiding doing the steps for over 23 years (in and out of AA) and suffered a lot of needless misery due to my stubbornness. Not trying to sound preachy here but I would definitely work on overcoming your resentments by any means that works best for you.
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Old 09-26-2019, 03:38 AM
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Newhope, I kind of like your "zombie thread". At least to me there is a special value in long running threads like this because it can show how the passage of time impacts the situation. Folks just need to read it carefully enough to know that it started in 2017. All they need to do is look at the date stamps on each post. I wish you the best going forward.
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Old 09-26-2019, 10:30 AM
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Hey Grungehead, I totally agree with you about the resentments! I’ve got tons and being sober for so long has allowed me to see how these resentments kept me drunk.

Wow, 6-7 years sober and then relapsing over resentments is scary. Sounds like that may be in my future if I don’t address mine. 😨

Hey AP, I’m glad you like my zombie thread. I thought it would be beneficial to make an update too since I’ve been sober. I just don’t want folks wasting their energy on helping me resolve an incident so long ago.

I confronted my husband once about a lot of this stuff and he wasn’t able to apologize for some things and did apologize for other stuff. I’m obviously still angry.

We got together while we were both wasted and I was in a really bad spot in my life. I knew it was wrong but 7 years later we got married. I was drinking on and off throughout those seven years and embarrassed myself at my wedding drunk. Two years after marriage I hit the bottle hard and finally got sober this last year.

My daughter saved my life and I never want for her what I grew up with. She was my catalyst in saving my life so I could give her a life she deserves. Nothing makes me happier than when that little cherub smiles.
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Old 09-26-2019, 02:56 PM
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I got divorced after quite a few years of marriage after I got sober.

My ex-wife was also an alcoholic.

I don't talk about the particulars of my former marriage and divorce because I hope that she is also clean and sober and on this forum.

We got divorced in 1 day, quite friendly and with no recriminations.

I hope that she is sober now.

Notwithstanding the lack of antipathy between us, I badly needed and divorce and she did, too.

I have joked that divorce should be made into a sacrament.

Keep us posted with your situation.
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Old 09-28-2019, 03:43 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Don't ask for the thread to be closed!
It is eye opening. Just before I quit drinking (83 days ago) I had told my husband I wanted a divorce. Of course, I wanted it immediately, like everything else. Of course we spent hours of dramatic conversation deciding not to divorce after all. He did not know I was drinking. But I did and it made me question my judgment on everything. Was it me at fault? Was it me escalating everything unreasonably? Was his behaviour abusive?

I know that I have not been sober long enough, but I have clarity of mind. With clarity of mind comes the certainty that it was never only my fault. His behaviour has deserved divorce papers a few times. It makes me so angry that I was never in a state of reacting properly when I should have. I have my own resentments and they seem to be growing without alcohol.

Grungehead's post is brilliant (thanks!) and probably 100% right. If I don't deal with the resentment and let it grow further, I will hit the bottle as the default 'not to deal with something' mechanism. I have given myself a year. If I cannot let go of the resentment, find solutions around it, I will part ways. Until then, I will make sure I don't doubt my most basic reasoning ever again by intoxication
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Old 10-01-2019, 08:13 PM
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Hey backandscared,

i think a year is a good amount of time to let your sobriety take hold before making any big decisions.

Something I learned and really always knew is that I don’t love my husband. From the very start. I grew comfortable with him and now we have a baby together.

Maybe I’ll grow to love him. Maybe I should leave him. Be honest with him. Give him a chance to find a girl who will love him back. A chance at true happiness. He always use to say how he wasted so much time with me when there are so many other girls out there.

Or maybe I’m still too fresh in the sobriety. I don’t know. All I can think about right now is that I’m being selfish. Brought a baby girl into this world selfishly. Too late now.

I guess only time will tell. So take your time before you make any big decisions. Sometimes you can’t go back. Maybe couples counseling could help you and your husband too. Won’t know till you try.
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Old 10-02-2019, 06:52 AM
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It sounds like he has done many toxic things to you, both in word and deed nh.

Maybe counseling would help, but sometimes things just can't be fixed.
Now that you are sober, you will not be able to "un-see" or numb out his treatment of you.

It is brave and honest to acknowledge you don't love someone. For love to grow, I think kindness and respect are essential. He isn't demonstrating that from what I can see. You can't grow roses in a sandy desert--you need rich soil, water, and attention.

Do you feel like you are getting that?

I think you deserve someone who will love you back just as much as he does.
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Old 10-02-2019, 08:31 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Hey Hawkeye,
we had a discussion about respect the other day. He was reminding me quite coldly how my family particularly my brothers don’t respect me. I told him I was I aware of that and that I’ve made some changes in my relationships as I’ve learned a lot about respect through my sobriety. I then asked him if the way he was speaking to me was respectful. He acknowledged it wasn’t. No apology just an acknowledgment.

It goes both ways though. Something has got to change or this relationship won’t be viable. Suppose we could try therapy again especially now that I’m sober.

I appreciate everyones input.
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Old 10-03-2019, 05:50 AM
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Thank you for your message newhope (for the whole thread; as I said it is very useful to me). And thanks Hawkeye for the insight. The example of the roses is very good.

My children are older Newhope. Almost 13 and 15. Don't stay only because you have a young child. It will not get easier. The ties you build with a partner become stronger with time. The excuses to stay too. I know telling you this is like telling an alcoholic that drinking is bad and alcoholism progressive. They know it, but they aren't able to act on it.

You have found clarity. Now find an objective. Your preferred objective. And try to work towards it. Don't postpone. It becomes harder. Make yourself a little plan. I am telling you all this while I have postponed my own decision for 1 year (minus the almost 3 of sobriety I've got). But I am using this time to figure out what I want too. Call it selfishness. I can never be as selfish as I have been drinking. All for my immediate reward at any price. To avoid suffering. To avoid the challenge.

I have made myself the promise not to avoid a challenge that matters again. Never again. Who you live with, what kind of role model as parent/as couple/as woman and as a man you give your child, is worth the challenge of taking this into your own hands. You can make mistakes as long as you own them. I will not stay longer for my kids, or for the finances. I will stay if I think it is the right decision for me. And accept the good and the bad that comes from it.

Therapy is not an option. We tried at my husband's initiative. He withdrew at the first hurdle. Something about his childhood he did not want to discuss came up and he decided he was not wasting more time. At the end, we were not worth that pain for him.
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Old 10-07-2019, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by newhope01 View Post
Like I said, because of my alcoholism, by default I'm always wrong. I'm not ignoring that fact. But as I sit here sober with no desire to drink, I just can't help but feel sad and alone. Maybe it is just self-pity and I deserved what happened but right now all I feel is pain.

And if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't call him worthless or throw food across the room. I never judged folks in my position as when you see someone who is genuinely trying to get and stay sober, its hard to put them down. I never understood why people make fun of AA and its members; Even before I became a member myself.

I can't focus long enough to read a paragraph in order to complete my class assignment so I will only be setting myself up for failure at this point.

Maybe I should give him an "out" so ha can be happy.
Im new to all this. And I found out about these groups way way too late. I am just now understanding my behaviors and reactions and is hurting me deeply.

my A is no longer in my life. And reading your post I could see myself in your husband. Is really really hard to try to do the best we can to help and then find out that what we are doing is the wrong thing. It hurts us too, because at the end we don’t wanna hurt you!!!

as much as it hurts to hear it, I’m sure your husband didn’t meant it! He also feel worthless for not being able to help you. I realized this is how I felt too every time I said things like that to my A. I just now understand what an alcoholic goes through. I always though he was wrong for anything because at the end of the day he was the alcoholic, he broke his promises etc etc etc.

just now I understand what he was going through, but I didn’t know. It hurts me so much now that I’m learning what my reactions caused to him. And this goes both ways, the famous merry-go-round.

when i tell how I feel is easy for ppl to blame the alcoholic and see them as the bad guy. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m so sorry for the pain we cause too.

Its been a while since this was posted, I hope you are doing better and being able to bit alcohol.
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Old 10-07-2019, 12:52 PM
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Hi Nara,

I begged him to go to al-anon many times. He felt he didn’t need it but boy did he. Our issues kind of preceded the boozing and I think things might be a little different between you and your spouse.

He he did a lot of terrible things. The one that really still pisses me off is how he dropped vodka bottles in my room. I eventually drank one finally. I don’t know why he did this or what the goal was. He has been unable to provide an answer either.

But, I lied a lot. A lot. And I did my share of stupid crap too and interestingly enough when I stopped boozing the idiocy on both our parts stopped. But, damn he made it easy for me to keep drinking.

We’re doing a lot better now but I’m still working through some of our past events. Ive been lurking on the FFA forum too a lot lately and I’m starting to understand the other side. It’s helping with the resentments.

Hope you and your hubby are doing better too. It’s hard dealing with an A, especially an A you love. I pray my daughter never becomes one herself. I don’t think I could survive it.
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