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Marital Problems

Old 07-28-2017, 12:28 PM
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How are things today??
Hope going well.
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Old 07-28-2017, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by newhope01 View Post
My husband is coming home soon from a hard day's of work. I plan to fix dinner but I'm still sad to see him.

Not because I'm mad at him but I am unsure of what awaits me when comes home. Will he be happy with all I did today? Or will he be mad at me for putting off school? I know he said it was okay, but I still have my worries.

It should be fine, I'm exaggerating the situation.

I hope your not walking on eggshells. Like ken said sounds like my father growing up. That was my life as a child oh great dads on his way home i wonder what kinda nonsense i'm gonna kicked around for this time. Being made to feel that way is mentally abusive.

as you said your no saint but that doesnt mean you deserve this either. Tough call. I hope you guys can work things out and this just a rough patch and nothing more.
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Old 07-28-2017, 06:00 PM
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Iwas called many things by angry, hurt and resentful family. That is not a problem anymore- b-cause they do not talk to me- ever. All I do know is- whatever life throws at you- self-e, divorce, studies, children, home-alcohol makes it 1000 times worse. Which is why it was unfair of me even to 'rely' on my family to support me. Outside help through AA, SMART, counselling, SR, a doc- whatever it takes- I do.
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Old 07-28-2017, 06:52 PM
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newhope,
not sure how helpful, ultimately, talk of blame and fault is, both yours and his.

i did spend a lot of time there myself,in blame- land.
when i finally did the suggested work, life got so much better from looking at MY part, and changing what i have control of, and , as they say, keeping my side of the street clean.

so...how do you see moving forward sobriety- wise after drinking again?
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Old 07-28-2017, 07:09 PM
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Your husband, presumably an adult, discovers his alcoholic wife is drinking, throws a chicken across the kitchen and then goes to Disneyworld.

Adult - Disneyworld.

Hmmmm.
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Old 07-28-2017, 10:08 PM
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Hey newhope. Sorry you're going through this. That sounds terrible. I would agree with others here that you should just focus on your recovery right now, whatever that takes. Daily meetings, prayer, reading, meditation, exercise, etc. Take care of yourself. Whatever that looks like for you.

As for his actions, it's hard to judge, but I would say he was just plain mean. I don't know what you've put him through... but no human deserves that kind of treatment. Sounds to me like he has some work to do too.
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Old 07-29-2017, 07:43 AM
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There are two sides to every story.
There are reasons for his behavior and for yours.
Relationships are hard. Period.
We all bring the bad and the good to the table.

I dont think you should live in fear of your husbands response about not attending your class. This, to me, is not a healthy dynamic.

I also think you should continue to improve yourself by learning from this class. Why did you start the class?

He should not have called you worthless and should keep the brutal words off the table. No excuses there.

Learning to fight fairly is not an easy task to undertake. It takes time and patience and two people who are willing to come to the table with respect and a wanting to work through the issues. Just an opinion.

I dont know the whole dynamic and never will. I just know that if you two are willing and want a healthy marriage it can happen.
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Old 07-30-2017, 02:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Forward12 View Post
Often times we think that our alcoholism is self contained, but it also hurts those closest to us just as much, if not more than ourselves.
I'm assuming the alcoholism has been going on for quite a while with many failed promises to stop. Granted his outburst was uncalled for, though it is a reflection of how much alcoholism brings hell to spouses as well.
I would really put everything into your sobriety, go to AA every day, maybe numerous times a day, start seeing a therapist for your depression issues, rehab may also be in order.
Agreeing w/this^^.

I'm from "the other side of the fence", ex-wife of a still-drinking A. There were broken promises and outright lies from him for YEARS before I finally ended the marriage. How many times has your husband heard promises of sobriety, of "doing better", yada yada? I totally get the frustration, pain, anger and betrayal he felt when he saw you'd been drinking once again. Part of the recovery for us F&F people is to learn to not take the drinking personally (the usual phrase is "he's not drinking AT you"), but damn, it is HARD not to take it personally!

No, it's not right that your husband said and did what he did, but if YOU are "only human", relapsed and now are back on your feet, trying again, I don't see why HE doesn't deserve the same latitude and consideration for HIS slip.

I don't know your backstory, how long you've been sober, or what all has happened leading up to this point. All I've got to go on is this snapshot, so I could be way off base. But please understand that yes, yes, YES, the drinking DOES hurt people other than the alcoholic. We, the spouses/partners/friends/parents/siblings/children of alcoholics, have our own recovery to work through and our own recovery tools to learn to use. We are no more guaranteed to be perfect in our use of those tools than any of the alcoholics we love are guaranteed to be perfect in THEIR recovery.

Keep doing your best, and hopefully your husband will do the same. You both made mistakes here, and you're not the first, last or only ones to do so.
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Old 07-30-2017, 03:33 AM
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I hope it all works out for the OP but the husbands behavior....well as I mentioned before I grew up with a rage alcoholic.
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Old 07-30-2017, 04:45 AM
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Tough one. I'm lucky as my spouse has not held my alcoholism over my head. Now, that being said I only will get so many chances. Everyone's situation is different as we are all different. Not all marriages are the same as they are between different people who have different needs and different expectations than others in the world.

There are two things that I can tell you and I am 100% sure of them -

1. Don't drink over this situation or any other - as uncomfortable or downright crappy as it may be the booze is only going to make it worse. I won't belabor this because we all know that here.

2. More importantly, surround yourself with the people, places and things that are going to offer you the support you need. Maybe focus more of your energy on school, AA, work, a book club, etc.-whatever interests you.

While it might sound bad, if you're not getting the support you need from your spouse, than don't rely on him too much. Not saying you have to get a divorce, separate, etc. - maybe just sort of coexist for a while. It's not ideal, but he might need some space and some healing time too.

Once the healing takes place and you've gotten a better handle on your situation, and he on his, you will rediscover each other again in a different way.

Just my thought.
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Old 07-30-2017, 10:12 AM
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Support to you
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Old 09-24-2019, 08:14 AM
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I was revisiting my old posts and stumbled upon this one. And wow! I wasn’t able to see all the wonderful outpouring of love and support. All I saw was I was an alcoholic and read that I got “tough love.” There was nothing tough in any of these responses.

Thank you sober recovery for your kindness when I couldn’t be kind to myself. I reread them all and they were all so helpful.

Now that I have a good amount of sobriety under my belt, I wish I could say things got better. They have in the aspect that our arguments have changed and the abusive comments have subsided. But, I still harbor a ton of resentments. All the crap he put me through. Reading my old diaries, gossiping about me, creating havoc amongst the chaos. Escalating situations by getting physical. Telling me to commit suicide knowing I had a history of it. Dropping vodka bottles in my room when I was trying to stay stopped and where I eventually drank them days later.

How much worse he made the whole drinking situation. All I had to do was put down the bottle but I couldn’t see that solution as simple as it was. His version of help or whatever he was doing made it so much worse. Sometimes suicide seemed easier. Idk, a lot of it was my fault. But now sober, it’s still hard to forgive.




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Old 09-24-2019, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by newhope01 View Post
I've been struggling with some serious depression right now, which I am sure is self-inflicted.

Last weekend, I relapsed and my husband found my alcohol. He picked up the chicken I was defrosting for dinner and threw it across the room. He then demanded a divorce and onslaught of insults ensued. He then left the house.

After a few hours, I tried calling him and he put the call to voicemail. He then proceeded to text me of which he called me a "worthless wife" and he wished he "never married me." He then went to Disneyland with my brother as he felt my husband deserved a weekend getaway for having to "deal with [me]." When my husband came home that same night he was chipper and we made peace before he left for Disneyland.

Now I know being alcoholic places me always to blame by default, but I just can't shake how deeply it hurt me that he called me a "worthless wife." Combined with my shame of relapsing and his comments, I just can't seem to function properly. I have class tomorrow but I can't will myself to complete the necessary assignments and have already used up four of my five absences before I am dropped.

I want to drop the class and take it again when it is offered this November, but I fear my husband will get upset again and I just can't handle anymore insults. I just want to protect my academic record and wait till I am ready to take the class.

I guess I don't know what I am expecting from this post, but I guess I just needed to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk too.
I understand he was upset but to toss the chicken across the room is over the top.

Yes, you need to stop drinking but you might consider visiting a marriage counselor as well.
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Old 09-24-2019, 12:59 PM
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Newhope, I'm not surprised that you are seeing things differently this far along in your sobriety. It really changes our perspective on everything, doesn't it! I'm sorry things are still not going well. Have you considered couples counselling?
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Old 09-24-2019, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Newhope, I'm not surprised that you are seeing things differently this far along in your sobriety. It really changes our perspective on everything, doesn't it! I'm sorry things are still not going well. Have you considered couples counselling?
We kind of tried in the past but it didn’t go to well. We could try again I don’t think it could hurt. I’ve been thinking maybe I should do some more work on myself but I’m kind of burnt out on the whole therapy thing.
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Old 09-25-2019, 12:55 PM
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In recovery we can always start over. Are you really ready to get sober? What actions are you taking? We get self-esteem by taking "esteemable" actions. How about jumping into AA?
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Old 09-25-2019, 01:20 PM
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I believe she has been sober for awhile.
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Old 09-25-2019, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Della1968 View Post
I believe she has been sober for awhile.
Yep! Longest period of time ever too! Sorry for the zombie thread guys. I kinda went to AA on an off for years. It’s a great program that I’d recommend.

Sad part is I lost touch with my sponsor after I got sober and when I reached out to her I discovered sadly that she passed away. Apparently, booze had something to do with it.

I was was going to write a post about it but never really got around to it. Still trying to come to terms with it I guess. She was so excited when she heard I was 30 days sober and was pregnant. She never got to meet my daughter.

Sometimes I think about going back to my old home meeting to show off my little princess and show them I’m sober but I doubt anyone would really remember me.
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Old 09-25-2019, 08:56 PM
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I don’t have anything to add, except....get yourself sober and YOU escape to disneyland too.

I was the drunk, but running off to Disneyland with my kids during sober times was my move, not his.

Take care of you.

Get to class, get sober, treat yourself gently, and don’t worry about what he thinks, you’ll never know the complete story of everything he’s feeling, so clean up your side of the fence no matter what he’s feeling....and that will help you best.
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Old 09-25-2019, 09:31 PM
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Maybe we should close my zombie thread.
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