Do you truly ever get over your drunken antics?
 

I try to stay positive...well I say that but really I am obsessed with any possible misdeed I may have said/done while I was under the influence. This is quite a common thing for people who blackout or even drink too much but its also a very personal thing as its our own actions and memories if those exist at all. I'm driving myself crazy over this guilty feeling I have that I've done something that I can't come back from. For the first year after my binge I'd say I was looking forward but now I'm all about looking back. I often imagine myself In a court room trying to explain myself in front of a judge and also admit I am wanting the suitable punishment just so I don't have to sit and dwell any longer. I have no memory of doing anything bad but I suffer pretty bad from anxiety and panic. Any advice would be great.

Hi, I used to beat myself up with shame/guilt etc, BUT the way I look at it now, this was alcohol (illness) would I be the same sober NO, if I keep beating myself up I will keep drinking as its a vicious cycle, I wont forget but it wont consume me anymore, its too dangerous for me, good luck

I feel the same guilt. It's the blackouts and people telling me what I did that I have no recollection of. I could literally get up to anything and I would never know!

With me it was always the shame and guilt that made me pick up again, I felt guilty I would have a drink and the following morning I was right back there, sneaky disease

It all just feels like such an isolating emotion to have. I feel guilty for anything positive coming my way, feel like a fraud and that I shouldn't be moving on sometimes. However with all these feelings it doesn't tempt me back as I know that I probably wouldn't come back from another binge or at least that's how it feels. Popping anti depressants and the like are not cures and the only peace of mind I get is knowing that I can sleep later and escape a while.

Exactly, watch out for unreasonable shame and guilt over things in the past that we cannot change, that's a red flag. Especially things we might have done, but don't even know about.

I did some really stupid things when I was a drunk, and I still get a little zing if I think too hard on them, but I don't want to zing myself over something that I can't change anyways, so I don't spend energy on it anymore. But it took a couple years to really move on.

Have you ever thought about talking therapy, that could be a big help

Try not to focus too much on the past and what you did when you were sick and using. Move full speed ahead on the future to who you know you can be. Let the past help you learn about what you want to avoid, but never punish yourself with it. I am pretty sure you've done enough suffering and received enough punishment for your antics whether it be lost relationships, jobs, etc.

Forgive yourself. You are evolving into the best version of yourself and that is pretty darn cool. Make peace with the past and then leave it there, only to reference for learning. It does no other good. Best of luck to you! Also, as someone who suffers from anxiety and depression (not addiction) it can make everything feel really awful. Are you getting treatment for that also?

I've had therapy before but waiting lists are long and try as I may issues tend to resurface. Therapy is good while it is on going as its another mind and someone outside of your immediate circle to open up to however I would give it another go.

The best we can do is try to leave those events in the past. Even after a couple years of sobriety I admit my mind wanders back to some of the horrible things I did while drinking, although I rarely let those thoughts linger. As others have said, the focus should be on moving forward and being the best person you can be now, since what has been done in the past cannot be changed.

Have you thought about or done AA? When you work the steps, you learn how to handle your past and how to live in the present, much more fully. Most things I did will not truly "go away" in my mind, but for the most part, after doing steps 4 and 5, and now that I "live in" 1, 10,11 & 12 every day, I am at peace with both past and present the vast majority of the time.

Working with my brilliant psych (who btw has a lot of expertise with DBT/CBT so her approach is definitely skill-gaining etc not just talk therapy) has been very important as well.

How long has it been since you quit drinking? It is very common to have these kinds of feelings, especially in early sobriety. Having regrets about the past is a common thing, and not just with addicts.

As others have mentioned though, if you just wait for the thoughts to go away they probably won't. You need to take a proactive approach - which can be different for each of us. Therapy can be a very helpful tool, and you can also learn techniques to practice on your own when you can't visit a counselor. Mindfulness and meditation is one that comes to mind that can be very helpful.

Working a recovery program can be very helpful too - because most of them focus on channeling energy to things you can change - and focusing on now, not ruminating on the past.

Time can also be a healer, especially if you have just recently quit. The first weeks/months after quitting are very up and down - your brain is literally recuperating and changing pathways after being sedated for so long.

I remember one particularly bad morning after I had blacked out. I had an image in my head of a small plot of dug up earth round the side of someone's house...hardly big enough to fit a cat in. I have no idea where it came from and to this day think it was in my imagination. But I was mortified, watched the news for two weeks expecting to hear I had done something terrible and had panic attacks at the thought of going out even for work.

Much of the fear that follows a blackout IMO is irrational. I felt so bad (alcohol-induced anxiety) that my brain tried to connect the dots and create an external event that would explain the way I was feeling...because of course I couldn't remember anything.

When I was younger and first started blacking out I made up ridiculous stories to my friends about what I had done on the way home, like starting fights with innocent strangers. I kind of knew they made no sense and were unlikely to be true but somehow explaining my feelings of fear/regret/anxiety and feeling definite felt better than a sense of nameless dread, not knowing and not being able to explain it.

There was plenty of guilt and shame built up after I got sober to go with a healthy dose of anxiety. Much of the guilt I was able to directly address...by looking at and putting right things I knew I had done wrong. The shame (internalised) took a little longer to shift.

In my experience...Yes these feelings will pass. If you take a proactive approach to recovery (mental and emotional) they will pass quicker and more completely.

P

I had a problem with that too. I finally made a deal with myself; I forgave all the people that hurt me and in exchange for forgiving myself for all the hurtful and stupid things I did. Best bargain ever!

I don't dwell on the past. I do want to remember it though. Helps keep me sober. I do not ever want to be that old Wayne again. None of us are sane while drunk. It's a dark place that alcohol takes us. It's part of the disease.
Forgive yourself. You were sick. Stay sober and make amends. Then move on. Just don't drink again. Do not give alcoholism another chance at destroying you. That's the key.

You can't start a new chapter in life unless you stop re-reading the last one. Take it easy on yourself.