Jules714

Hi.
As far as alcohol is concerned I feel ok. Not obsessing..not even really thinking about it.
My feelings about things in life in general are making me very uncomfortable.
I miss my child. I really cannot even get into how depressed I am over this bc it's too much to consider. I recognize that this is totally unhealthy, but I'm not trying to overwhelm myself. I have been going to 2-3 meetings a day and spending outside time with friends, talking a lot so I shouldn't feel so lonely....but!
I'm really having a hard time with loneliness. Having seen my ex on Friday has really brought all that emotional yuck to the surface. One minute I'm fine and happy...and then I'm grieving this loss.
I just want to be past this. The relationship was no longer healthy for either of us. I recognize my culpability in it's demise. Then I've been looking at the relationship with rose colored glasses and that's human nature but just plain moronic. I want to align my heart with my head.
I'm rambling, I know. I'm just too in my head today and felt it best to get it out. I know I have to not avoid my feelings and certainly not drink...which I want to reiterate I'm not thinking of (but I don't want to be over confident bc that's a receipe for disaster!) I'm just all over the place.
Thanks for listening.
Jules

ScottFromWI

Talking things through is sometimes the best medicine Jules. Sorry you are having a bad day, but I always try to remember that bad days are always followed up by better days. And the old adage to remember what we can change and try to not worry about the rest if possible, right?

Jules714

Thanks Scott. You are correct on all accounts. I'm seemingly better now that I had a little boo hoo...and turned my focus towards something else.
Appreciate you taking the time.
Jules

Hebnick

I'm sorry to ask, did your child pass?

Hope I can help x

Maudcat

Sorry, Jules.
Some days just aren't great.
All things pass.
Do something that makes you happy.
Pet the cat or dog if there is one. Take a nap. Go for a walk.
Sometimes I get into my head about things I can't change.
Yoga helps. The stretching, the breathing, and the gentle physicality of it.

sugarbear1

Have you worked those steps yet?

Jules714

Hi all,
Today was much better.
Goodness no, thankfully my child did not pass!
I did implement healthy coping mechanisms and I walked and snuggled the pup. I took an extra shower. I spoke to a few friends live. I cooked all those veggies in my fridge and made different meals for myself and for friends.
No I have not worked those steps yet. I've yet to procure a sponsor. I know I need to do this and it's on my list. I think that's scarier than the 4th step! I really have trust issues...but I'll get there.
Still minimal thought to drinking. Which is wonderful. Cautious about other shoe dropping.
Just really taking it 24 hours at the time. Just like I read in the BB.

Not dwelling on yesterday, not fretting about tomorrow. Just motoring through today. So far, so good. I'm very content with status quo right now... I am a heck of a lot better than I was 34 days ago. Very grateful and hopeful.
Bad days will come and go. They goukd be made worse if I added a drink ( ha, like it's just one drink!) I'm glad I'm finally learning that. One is too many and a thousand never enough.
Feeling is hard but must be done.
And bonus: a nice, handsome guy asked me out tonight. I politely declined...not the time, but good to know I still got it. Especially if you consider all the chocolate I have consumed in the past month. 😉
Thank you all,
Jules

Maudcat

Hard to sit with uncomfortable emotions and not pick up.
I get that.
You sound good, tho.
Peace.

tomsteve

jules, the steps are in order for a reason. right now youre putting the cart before the horse and making an excuse to allow fear to control you and keep you from doing something that will give you freedom.

or you can keep on living one day at a time cautious of the other shoe dropping, which living that way it is guaranteed to drop.

not sure where the BB says take it 24 hrs at a time, but i know where it says
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

half measures availed us nothing

Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

and alsp this
we start to straighten out mentally and physically.
does He enable us to match calamity with serenity
At once, we commence to outgrow fear
We can be alone at perfect peace and ease
Our fears fall from us
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. Wereact sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

cncguy720

I know that path very well. My ex and I were toxic together. All the feelings of anger , resentment, depression , etc. It brings on a kind of funk that is hard to shake off. Hang in there, It gets better. Just be the best parent you can possible be. Exercise, eat healthy, Tell your child that you love them.

Gottalife

IME trust issues can sometimes be control issues in the way that I am too frightened to open up to that person because I cannot control their reaction and I fear it will be negative, or they might gossip, or they might do something else over which I have no control. A big part of our problem is how tiring it is to try and control everything around us. More often than not we meet with defeat, then we get bogged down in self pity and depression.

Having said that, there is also room for a sensible amount of discretion in who you talk to and what you say. In meetings our stories are general. When it comes to taking step five, the big book suggests almost anyone other than an AA member, and it wisely says we need to think carefully about who is going to hear our story. It doesn't have to be your sponsor or anyone in AA. You get to choose, so don't let unfounded fear get between you and these steps.

The sense of loneliness and shame I felt in early recovery did not get better until I was well into the steps. In that process two important things happened. Firstly I found out I was just an ordinary alcoholic, certainly not the worst case ever to come to AA. Secondly, through the program of recovery I found I was developing much more in common with the other members. Having similar experiences to those who had recovered, there was a Lot more positive to talk about as opposed to not drinking one arduous day at a time.

Jules714

Thank you all.
Tom: it is with regard to patient #3 I believe that Bill and the doc ask a man if he can stay sober for 24 hours and he says yes, they explain it's all he has to do...thus the saying one day at a time.
I don't believe I'm living in fear, I'm being cautious bc becoming overly confident/cocky as if I have this disease licked is a terrible idea.
I have the first 3 steps down.
I can't, He can, I'm going to let Him. I've always had a higher power...well before I started drinking. I just took my will. I have since relinquished such back to Him.

As far as a sponsor goes, I will get there.
I recognize that it's frustrating for people to see someone is not yet where you went, if they relapse BC you care about the individual & you want the same freedom and relief and peace for them... I am very grateful for that... but sometimes it feels like it's pressure laden. I'm eager to get my step work done. I'm not sitting around as a dry drunk. Since Friday 5:30 PM I have attended 11 meetings. It's 7:30 on Wednesday AM here. About to go to the 9 AM. I'm picking two people up as I do every day...I have commitments in the program. I'm fully emersed in the program and I'm quite pleased with my progress. I am thankful that the obsession I prayed for my HP to remove has seemingly disappeared .
Caution isn't necessarily fear, it can be but on this instance I feel as if I am just being smart. Humble. I'm not above a slip.
Thanks again.
Jules

Jules714

CNC: thank you. Yes this is why I am uncomfortable. The break up. Although I am feeling much better since I originally posted. It has been a lot to contend with newly sober. Trying to maintain a healthy life physically, emotionally, spiritually as best I can. And I am doing pretty well.
Thankfully I am very close with my teenager. We talk often throughout the day. She knows how much I love her...8t has always been my #1 goal to tell her that, and that she can do anything in life and always come to me for anything. So far so good. She's a really bright, polite, well behaved child.

Jules714

Gotta:
I gotta get back to you! I have to get ready for my meeting. Thank you all so much!!
J

sugarbear1

When you hear "willing to go to any lengths" to me it means that we are willing to step through that trust fear, ask someone to help us and be more serious about getting through those steps, which is where we find a higher power, where we become free and we have relief.

After working through those steps, the feeling of freedom, of peace, of having a sense of Self was exhilarating!

Be desperate enough to ask for help. I hope you get desperate enough to be free of alcohol! I wish peace for you.

Keep moving forward!!! You're a miracle!

Gottalife

Re one day at a time, the reference to staying sober for twenty four hours appears in Bill D's story, and probably a few others, but does not appear in the actual program in that context. It has always been a useful suggestion to get through the first few days until the obsession is lifted, but not drinking, one day at a time is not the AA means of gaining permanent sobriety.

Note that Bill D took step three on day three and got onto the rest of the program very quickly.

The real 24 hour plan exists in step eleven of the program, which is about living life one day at a time. The drink problem no longer exists at this point.

Eisenhorn

I was at the Hallmark store and I saw a sign. I almost bought it.

But it said, 'Pets leave paw prints on our hearts'. My pet has helped my in so many ways.

Hope you are doing well!