tomsteve

good on ya for 2 years!
this is something that happens often to people new to recovery- they run to an extreme to accomplish high goals.
they make life a race and miss out on the journey.
or
maybe its stark raving sober- trading the alcohol addiction for for another addiction-education- without many other changes possibly?this statement has me thinking that:
"Graduate school and law school made me feel bad about myself. I felt dumb, ashamed for being an alcoholic, and empty. "
doesnt seem the accomplishment should be making a person feel bad about themselves.
glad you recognize this and hope ya start working on balance.
maybe even revisit the steps?

Acheleus

I have a sponsor and I am working on a fourth step inventory. There are not many newcomers in my area. I'm just mentally exhausted and need a break but I have to move in ten days so that will be interesting.

I guess I'm working on not being stark raving sober. I'm ok, just growing pains.

WhiteFeathers

Grad school is pure torture. I think it's almost an abusive system-- well, it's a Hero Quest for sure. That you did grad school sober is a very big accomplishment.

I did grad school not sober. In fact, many of my colleagues confessed they had started looking into rehabs because of the pressure of grad school that led to alcoholic drinking patterns.

I'm not sure why you need to take the bar right now. Is it that you need to get hired as a lawyer ASAP? What if you did that in a few months?

I don't think it will be healthy for you to go right from grad school to law school to bar exam to working 80+ hours as an attorney with no break. I don't think that kind of pure torture is what life is supposed to be about.

As for meeting women-- the fact that you are getting you S&*t together, getting an education plus a professional certification and committing to sobriety will HELP you in the long run to meet a really quality woman.

Head over to the friends and family section of this board and read about what's going on with the alcoholic spouses who are letting their loved ones down and getting divorced.

Alcohol may help you meet a woman in a bar or some other kind of booze soaked "singles event." But alcohol will not help you keep a woman.

Acheleus

Thank you. I called my dad and he only said he is burned out too. He is a bankrupt alcoholic who dropped off things at my apartment when he moved in with his mail lady because he had no home to live in when his landlord sold the house.

I seek support but my family does not offer any.

None of them went to graduate school or law school. I don't think they understand the reality of professional education and the psychological hazing involved. My half-siblings seen envious of my attempts to make a normal life for myself.

So, I have to listen to my body and my mind. My body and mind tell me I need to exercise, drink water, work outside, quit smoking, and heal from the chronic stress I have been under for five years. I'm going to listen to my body and mind.

I feel like I'm trying to prove my worth to my family but they just resent me. I'm going to rest and then pack.

Fly N Buy

Good job on working on a 4th step, many never get that far. It was there I found my part and was able to do some clean up as I continued to progressed. This is the fulcrum of the program is my experience when the balance started to shift.

I love your comment about stark raving sober..........that's a new one for me. Accurately describes/described me depending on day and topic. I am filling boxes and have my house for sale not knowing where we will end up. Certainly this causes me a lot of concern which can fuel that fear. Painful. It is there where I either build on my faith or not - maybe somewhere in between really.

Bill W commented about fear as it continues to varying degrees and times throughout our lives. So true. So human.

Thanks for your thread, it helps others who's voices are quiet, certainly.

teatreeoil007

Ach: So, I have to listen to my body and my mind. My body and mind tell me I need to exercise, drink water, work outside, quit smoking, and heal from the chronic stress I have been under for five years. I'm going to listen to my body and mind.

I feel like I'm trying to prove my worth to my family but they just resent me. I'm going to rest and then pack.


Good plan. Do try to fit some rest in there too, I hope you will. Chronic stress is a killer.

I feel that trying to prove our "worth" to others often ends in futility. The main thing is to know you are WORTH it to yourself. All the proving to others we do may end up with them appreciating us more...or not. It's nice to have support and all. But some people just don't get it and they might never get it....and like you say, even resent you. You are worth it!

teatreeoil007

I don't understand why people can't just be happy for other people who have made some success and worse, to resent them for it. I think often times what's going on with that is when people are not truly happy themselves they find it hard to be supportive and happy for others.

Acheleus

I feel better being honest with myself that I have reached my limit and I need a break from all this. I'm going to pay a rent deposit tomorrow and then move asap and work outside until I get mentally and physically stronger.

I am so proud that I am two years sober. I want to build on the foundation I laid and become a healthier person. Right now, however, I am exhausted, and I cannot expect my family to understand how I feel.

If I don't stop and rest I will collapse, and I won't be able to help anyone in the future.

teatreeoil007

Yes! I feel you are on the right track, Ach. Being honest with yourself....well...that is paramount, right? No, your family maybe won't understand, but they don't need to understand, really. Their "understanding" ( or lack thereof)doesn't CHANGE what you need right NOW. I remember a time in my life when I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for the next few months. But, I felt that I wanted to be outside as much as possible. That led to a summer job that took me outside most of the time....and when that was over I was able to better settle into moving on to the next phase of my life. I don't know...there is just something about being outdoors that can be therapeutic.

Anyways: Just know that we are here for you and hope you check in with us and let us know how it's going.

zjw

Yeah for what it's worth after quiting still feeling crappy I was desperate to feel better. That's when I quit smoking started to excercise and eat better. I do still want to find work outside or some thing other then sitting all day might be nice.

It can't hurt it's not like people suffer from alcohol and nicotine and crap food deficiencies. Tho chocolate deficiency might be real lol.

Acheleus

I am going to a morning meeting and then studying. My mind feels worn out but I know my mind is stronger at two years sober than it ever was before when I was drinking.

I am going to take the bar exam. I'm not going to drive myself crazy about it any longer and I will take it and be done with law for the time being.

I'm moving to a new city and will take a break to relax and then get rid of the smoking and stress.

I will be glad to be leaving where I live now. It is the place where I achieved long-term sobriety and I think it was a good place to get sober.

I will try to be proud of myself instead of beating myself up. I'm not the man I want to be, but at least I'm not the man I used to be.

Delizadee

That sounds really good Ach.
I think you are being too hard on yourself, maybe more so than the people who have opinions on your life they need to keep to themselves. Don't give em free rent in your head.
Be grateful for how far you've come. Be your own friend.
Have you done any work on mindfulness? Keeping yourself in the moment and keeping in a place of love and gratitude? Takes some practice to make it stick I've found but the one day at a time, and living and loving with intention has brought me a lot more peace of mind.

Really, give yourself big kudos. Right your achievements down on a paper, big and small. Read them over a few times. See how far you've come and how the magnitude of the work you've done on yourself and in life.
High five yourself. Hug yourself.
You are awesome.

Del

Acheleus

I will be my own friend. I often struggle feeling proud of myself. I'm still learning to be grateful for so many things in my life.

My family is pretty weird. But I will treat them with respect and love, even if they resent me or try to hurt me. No one can really hurt me except me, and so have learned how to turn the volume down on my emotions.

Thanks for all the good advice. I'm going to take it easy today and then pack some more after getting more boxes.

I'm so glad I hung in there and fought for my sobriety, even when people were tearing down my benefits and consequences list from my wall, and putting a bottle of vodka in my face saying, "is this your problem? Here, take some."

My family member, who knows I am in recovery, did that to me.

Being around my family is like being in the lion's den.

Dee74

I'm glad you hung in there too Ach

D

Acheleus

Thanks for all you do on SR Dee. You are always spot on.

paulokes

None of my business what other people think of me. None of my business what worth they think I have.

Sounds to me like you have plenty to be proud of friend...not least staying sober through all of this. Keep developing that internal sense of pride...real pride not false...and self worth. It's amazing how much energy we save when we're not running around trying to impress, please or seek approval from the world around us.



P

Acheleus

Well the first day of the bar exam is over and I'm not sure how I feel. Day two is tomorrow. I'm going to read a little bit of a novel and go to bed early.

I'm a little tired but I'm ok I guess. My hotel is more comfortable than my home so I can't figure out why that is. Tomorrow is going to be extremely difficult but I'm going to get some sleep and try not to worry. Thank you for all the great comments and suggestions. It's a privilege to take the exam, really, and I'm sure if I was drunk and blacking out every night I would not have finished school or be taking the exam. So I'm lucky to feel so stressed and tired.

ScottFromWI

Congrats on making it through the first day of testing and best of luck tomorrow. I still marvel at how much you have accomplished in the past 2 years, it is truly remarkable.

icoi87

Hey Archeleus! Congrats on 2 years and finishing law school. That's amazing! I also am very hard on myself and struggle with self love. One thing I've done in therapy, is try to think what I would say to a good friend or someone I love going through the situation? Would you tell them to suck it up? Or would you tell them it's okay to feel burned out, tired, etc?

Just for my recovery personally, I've been exercising extreme self care. I sleep when I need it, take long weekends when I can, eat right but don't stress over calories, buy massages, etc. I didn't take care of myself for a long time and it only did me harm.

I hope you will take care of yourself. It sounds like you have worked very hard. I would agree that a break is probably necessary.