Cellardweller

Good morning everybody.

It is the morning, and I'm feeling OK; this is kind of surprising given the beer I drank yesterday. Thankfully I'm not "bobbleheadding" or having "creaky joints". Maybe that will show up later today?

Anyways, I've started using the chatroom here and found some online voice meetings at another website. I'm excited to start those because I'll be able to interact with folks who have experienced some of the same things I have. I'm also excited about what this means for my life going forward. It's I've got some supportive friends but they haven't had substance abuse problems.

I'm nervous about how I will handle my job, however it is added motivation to move onto the next project. I love what I do, but it's not what I need to be doing and I've felt that for some time. It's at the point now where I'd rather not put anything in my body (even small amounts to taste test at work). If I do get some in it's difficult to stopp because coming down is hard and the only way to keep feeling better is to keep going.

Going to work on "plans" today so I have something to fall back on. I missed a SMART voice meeting (it filled up immediately...hrm.) but that's OK. There's another one happening tonight. Going to doddle in my garden, maybe go for a walk, some more cleaning, nerd out on some other stuff.

Good morning everyone,

P

RecklessEric

Hello CDweller.

Hope your day goes well for you.
It gets easier as you go on.

Cellardweller

I think the most difficult thing will be dealing with guilt/anger about things I've done or the time I've lost to the drink. I know the last few hours before bed are difficult...boredom.

Was drinking at home, alone a lot. Generally till I wasn't anxious or angry about something, but that point generally was pass-out/black-out territory. Also, I drank at work. (Patron's side of the bar, not while on the clock. I despise that. I have to pick up coworker's/boss' slack...) Not so much recently, but had a moment where I knew I crossed a line that I never wanted to cross. The drinking immediately after was very heavy for me, mostly to try and forget things.

It doesn't help anything. Hoping to start sorting things out. The heavy lifting begins, I guess.

Chugging down some coffee.

Thanks,

P

Cellardweller

Also, if anyone has any experience with tapering, or even thoughts about it, shoot me a PM. I have the shaky joints thing going on. Tapering worries me though because it could shoot me back to where I used to be.

Thanks!

P

Cellardweller

Not sure how to edit: But it's not DT's as I understand them, but my joints feel shaky. Like, a mechanical joint that needed some grease before it would move smoothly again. No real shakes, but anxiety, and creaky movement. Make sense? I don't think tapering is going to work for me to be honest. Trying it now, but feel the pull. :/

ScottFromWI

Tapering is very difficult, you'll find lots of threads here that will attest to that unfortunately. If you are having medial issues that are of concern, speaking with a doctor is really your best bet.

Cellardweller

I searched and the things that popped up all confirm that it's very difficult. I've never had to visit the doctor for anything beyond....well I never really have. Thinking about finding who my doc is and scheduling a visit. Getting some pain in places I never had it. The creeky joints have me concerned. Steady hands after a drink too, is alarming. Cold turkey may be it.

God bless.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like a good plan to me to ring up your doc. Be aware that quitting cold turkey can be dangerous too, so make sure you let your doc know.

Cellardweller

Hello again,

I've been booze free for three days and nights, working on day four now. It was a stressful week with work and having my parents visit. I've seen them four times now in the past three years. It was good to go on some hikes with them and show them the town I live in.

I think I may have had my final "f*ck this stuff" moments on my last drink. Woke up, went to the bathroom, then puked in the shower. Yum. Speghetti dinner revisited! Not nearly as tasty coming up as it was going down.

Anyways, I've been pretty good about not wanting to drink. My mom has had issues with wine and I believe she still does. My dad, my mom, and myself took a break after a hike; we were apart for about an hour and a half. We went out for an early dinner, not long into seeing them again, I was catching all of her old tells that she had been drinking. Granted, maybe she hadn't but from what I've seen before all signs pointed to "yes".

It was sad. I texted my sister that I hated what alcohol has and had done to me and my mom. On some deep level I am beginning to hate it for how it destroys lives. I'm seeing it every day at work and it is very sad. I'm ready to be healthy.

I threw away the last two full bottles of beer that I was going to use to help me taper (into the next six-pack) and have been riding cold turkey since. I'm a brewer and told my boss that I'm looking to get sober. (That was a weird conversation.) I've been able to reach out to people for help, which has been good. I don't have much of an appetite but that's getting better. I also have a raging case of the sh*ts and have been feeling kind of tired. It sounds bad but on the whole, I'm feeling pretty OK.

On the flip side, I'm not hungover and ready to kick the day in the butt. If the previously mentioned symptoms aren't gone by next week, I'll go see a doc. I'd actually like to get some tests done to see what my insides are like after the last 9-10 years.

Hope everyone is well. Drinking lots of fluids.

Cellardweller

Things are improving, day six now. I found today that I wanted a beer, or could at least remember the taste. I had to do some work at a bar and saw what all the people were ordering. First time I thought about the taste since getting sick that night.

No drinking however, just lots of water and kombucha, a bit of Gatorade. My insides are feeling A-OK, but the past two days, around 4PM, I hit a wall and just want to go to sleep. I want to go do things but am just really tired. I also find that I sometimes have food cravings and can get really hungry. Even after eating some food and drinking a LOT of water, my body says it still wants something.

I put in an order for the book, Under the Influence too.

Are there places to make check-in threads or something similar?

Anyways, hope everyone is well.

FLCamper

Closing in on a week! Good for you.
You can start your own "check in" thread - seems like this is it!
For me, staying away from any temptation was key the first month or so - it is hard to avoid 100% especially if your job has you working in a bar.
Keep it up!

Dee74

you can make this your check in thread if you like cellardweller - or start another.

You can also join a monthly group - either the Class of July or August?

Cellardweller

I haven't been booze free like this in a while, it's good. Here's what is going on with me.

Work and mornings are good, but as soon as I am out, I hit the wall hard. I find that I want to be alone a lot after I am off work; I feel bad that I'm so irritable. It's that kind of irritibility you get when you are really tired and just want to sleep. I also find that having to face feelings (dissapointment, frustration, etc) as they are is difficult.

Finding that I sometimes want some beer, but know that it's a slippery slope for me.

Eating lots of fruit, veggies, and drinking a lot of water. A little more than a gallon per day. But good lord, am I tired.

Hope everyone is well.

Cellardweller

To sort of elaborate on some of the things I posted yesterday, here it is. I had company coming over so it was kind of pithy.

Things are still going the way they have been, pretty good. Work is OK, I've not been taste testing anything really, I think I've had an ounce (a literal ounce, not hard stuff) since posting about getting off it. It's kind of weird, I could feel it after I tried it even though it wasn't a lot. I got some food and water to eat and drink; I didn't like the feeling.

I sometimes feel like I want a drink, but I know that I'll probably wind up getting drunk. That happened the times I tried tapering off. Having one led to having more. So, right now I'm trying to do my job at work as best as I can without being involved with the product. I do know that this is the beginning of the end (transition) for my current position, and I think my boss knows too but doesn't want to talk about it.

I talked to my dad about this and he seemed concerned. Not so much that I'd be leaving my job eventually, but that it might not be on my terms. I'm not worried, I am starting to take my health seriously and if I need to find/make a job elsewhere, I know I can find something else.

It's been difficult dealing with feelings and emotions, mostly frustration/disappointment/anger without alcohol. It's not there to numb it out. However, there are a lot of folks on here that say "it is a feeling, and is temporary." This is true. I've been going for walks (or naps if tired) and those feelings pass. (Even late night walks if I'm upset about something at work. One was around 11:30pm. There's some good skygazing around here.) If there is a craving for something, I try to drink some water and eat some food. Those pass.

I've been taking a multi-vitamin and got an electric toothbrush. I make sure my beard is trimmed, nails clipped, and appearance is in order. Drink a lot of water and eat healthy foods. Feeling 'put together' does a lot for me, how I approach my day and how I feel about myself. Every day do a little bit to try and take care of myself. (Electric toothbrushes are surprisingly good!....started flossing again.)

I am not sure what is in store for me as far as life is concerned, but I hope and will work to make sure it is sober. I know where the booze will take me. I see it taking coworkers and family. It was me, and I am working to make sure isn't anymore. I've also found that MJ doesn't do anything for me either. I tried it as a substitute but find that it does the same thing. It is a temporary escape and eventually I come back to what I was trying to avoid. That ended before the last time I drank.

Deep down, I am a little concerned for when the "newness" of all this wears off. Pink cloud, etc. I know my drinking was a problem and a symptom of deeper problems. I hope I can deal with the other problems and that will maybe make the whole sober thing a little easier. I know that not drinking isn't going to make my life magically perfect, but it makes it better.

Hope you are all having a good day. Had a nap, still feel tired. Passed the gallon of water mark a little while ago.

HTown

Work on a new resume. It is easier to find a job when you have a job. Start now. Good luck!

Cellardweller

That's very true! I'm in a place with limited employment options, so my next best option is to create a job. I'm in the process of doing that but am also keeping my eyes open to other opportunities. Since graduating from college, I've placed my entire self-worth on work and work performance. Sometimes I think it would be nice to just do a 9-to-5 kind of thing and put it away at the end of the day so that I could develop other areas of my life that are still lacking.

Things have been pretty good. I'm still eating healthy and staying away from work as much as I can, meaning that as soon as I'm finished, I am out the door. I love what I do, or at least aspects of it, but finding some emotional distance from it has been helpful. I still care a lot about my performance, what we make, and how things sell, but I don't care as much or at least don't care "in the same way". By this I mean that my world no longer revolves around it. It feels odd, but there's a healthy detachment. I haven't really had that before.

I'm finding that actually maintaining my life is a lot more work than I realized. Instead of being a walking trainwreck, I'm working on acting my age. My living space is kept presentable or better most of the time, instead of going from clean to crap and back to clean/crap. Budgeting, plans for debt repayment, all that stuff is in the works. It's amazing how much of that falls to the wayside when I'm stuck in "the bubble".

Working on my exit strategy, hope you all are having a good day. Hoping for the best.

edit:

Some things I've been thinking about in regards to getting sober is the whole "people will quit when they are ready" idea. I'm still processing this. I feel fortunate that my drinking was somewhat on the 'lighter end of heavy'. I never did vodka fifths or whatever else, but I drank a lot of beer, usually the big stuff. 8-10% by the six pack. On the weekends, sometimes in the mornings to calm me down. I'd usually be running some sort of BAC when I wasn't at work. It got me to a bad place, far enough out that I'm lucky to have/had friends who I could talk about some really dark stuff about.

Looking back over my drinking history I can see that there was some messed up stuff going on. I remember the bottle pile in my last apartment that I tried to whittle down a little at a time. That never happened because I'd just add empties in too fast. Drinking at work. Drinking to get messed up. I knew that I should be done with it, or at least change my relationship with the Thing. Moderation was a pain in the ass. I've tried explaining that to my girlfriend, I think she sort of understands, but I don't think she understands. Does that make sense?

So, I believe that while I'm in the Pink Cloud (I think that's the correct term people use), and that things seem to be going well, eventually I'm going to be challenged, hard. I know it's time to be done with it, things are good now because they are new, but the nasty part is ahead when life returns to its normal rhythm. "Don't be afraid to put in the work." I was told this by an old boss of mine. We talk regularly about this stuff.

Cellardweller

To clarify: No drinking on the job at work. Bars are generally at work, in my line of work, so I'd drink afterwards. Also, I don't drive if I've been drinking. This is very important to me. Consequently, drinking kept me tied to my small apartment...which made me feel shut-in, which led to more drinking.

ScottFromWI

It's a vicious circle for sure. Looks like you detailed quite a list of good reasons to quit in your previous post. Being on the "light end of heavy drinking" sounds a little like your addiction talking though...trying to convince you that it wasn't "that bad". It's called bargaining and we've all done it, so you aren't alone...the AV is a sneaky one for sure!

Cellardweller

Today was pretty good. Did some more project work, my garden is coming around, cleaned a bit, got out of work on time which was good.

I've been trying to come to terms with some things and how they haven't worked out like I thought. That's a hard pill to swallow.

Also, does anyone have any experience with the emotional effects of quitting alcohol and how those impact relationships? I know a lot of people say "don't get involved with anyone until you have yourself figured out", but what if you're in a relationship already? I don't feel like I know myself completely sometimes and that my partner can't really know me if she's seen me drunk more than sober.

Any input? Hope everyone is well.

Dee74

HI Cellardweller

I'm not sure how long you've been with your partner, or whether they were a drinking buddy or not, but I wouldn't think sober you would scare them off if drinking you didn't

You can discover who sober you is together

D