Some thoughts
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Keep going CD--you're actually doing pretty well.
It takes time for those emotions to bubble up,
and for you to get clearer about who you are under the drink
and what you want for the future.
Every day you are sober is a small deposit in the bank of yourself.
The interest, over time, is considerable.
It takes time for those emotions to bubble up,
and for you to get clearer about who you are under the drink
and what you want for the future.
Every day you are sober is a small deposit in the bank of yourself.
The interest, over time, is considerable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Greetings everybody,
Lots of heavy lifting and moving at work today; days like today I feel pretty wore out after getting home. I still kind of consider it a positive thing if I eat well, drink enough water, and rest up. I used to be very active but I feel my focus has shifted a bit. I'd be happy with a pain-free, functional body.
Now, I'm learning about self sufficiency skills, wood working, the tools to do it, all sorts of things. It's fun to think about and I am working on some goals that have to do with those skills.
While going to bed early is pretty boring, at least I'll feel good in the morning. That being said, the "yearning" to drink is definitely still there. Today, beers at the bar sounded really good. There's definitely a disconnect between me and my job. That is difficult, given I'm in charge of everything. We are finally caught up, so the pressure is light compared to the summer time.
I'm not a religious person, but if you all could put up a thought/prayer to your higher power about things lining up for me soon, so I can exit, I would appreciate it.
All the best.
edit: The urge to drink...For some reason, the "fuzzy" feeling, the wall that goes up, or the box I live in when I drink, seems oddly comfortable. Crazily enough, it's almost attractive. I know the consequences of it, but why does it even seem like something desirable?
For instance, I've thought about how I 'liked' being drunk all the time. Or at least all the drinking. Not really 'liked' but it provided a safe place at times from life.
What's that about? (Yes, there was the puking, anxiety, hangovers, self-hate, embarrassment, etc.)
Lots of heavy lifting and moving at work today; days like today I feel pretty wore out after getting home. I still kind of consider it a positive thing if I eat well, drink enough water, and rest up. I used to be very active but I feel my focus has shifted a bit. I'd be happy with a pain-free, functional body.
Now, I'm learning about self sufficiency skills, wood working, the tools to do it, all sorts of things. It's fun to think about and I am working on some goals that have to do with those skills.
While going to bed early is pretty boring, at least I'll feel good in the morning. That being said, the "yearning" to drink is definitely still there. Today, beers at the bar sounded really good. There's definitely a disconnect between me and my job. That is difficult, given I'm in charge of everything. We are finally caught up, so the pressure is light compared to the summer time.
I'm not a religious person, but if you all could put up a thought/prayer to your higher power about things lining up for me soon, so I can exit, I would appreciate it.
All the best.
edit: The urge to drink...For some reason, the "fuzzy" feeling, the wall that goes up, or the box I live in when I drink, seems oddly comfortable. Crazily enough, it's almost attractive. I know the consequences of it, but why does it even seem like something desirable?
For instance, I've thought about how I 'liked' being drunk all the time. Or at least all the drinking. Not really 'liked' but it provided a safe place at times from life.
What's that about? (Yes, there was the puking, anxiety, hangovers, self-hate, embarrassment, etc.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Hi again,
Just checking in. The past few days have been difficult but OK. I've been stressed and frustrated about some things at work but have been dealing with it without drinking to excess.
Here's what I learned yesterday. It had been a busy day with some things that had gotten me worked up. I had to taste some things to make sure they were ready to move on to the next stage of production. Less than 5oz of beer total. Frustration, being thirsty, being tired, all of the day-to-day things rolled up on eachother made me want to keep going.
I took two big bottles of the strong stuff home. I wanted to drink them, really just chug them down. There's the excuse of "I need to see how it's holding up in the bottle", etc. I had about a half hour till my girlfriend was coming and reasoned that I could finish both bottles, or maybe one before she arrived.
Not to be melodramatic, but I looked in the mirror and remembered what it would be like to start myself into the process of a bender. The relief sounded great but I'd have to tell my girlfriend I had drank, live with myself, and then the hangover.
So, the bottles are getting put back. I'm looking forward to when I don't need to taste anything on account of my job. It seems that days where I have to, I get depressed, tired, and want to have (a) drink. I can see how abstinence would be WAY easier than moderation.
Because of my career field, I've heard a lot of "can't you just have one?". Screw that. Picking peppers in my garden, cleaning, bill paying, and being called in to work.
Hope you are all well.
Just checking in. The past few days have been difficult but OK. I've been stressed and frustrated about some things at work but have been dealing with it without drinking to excess.
Here's what I learned yesterday. It had been a busy day with some things that had gotten me worked up. I had to taste some things to make sure they were ready to move on to the next stage of production. Less than 5oz of beer total. Frustration, being thirsty, being tired, all of the day-to-day things rolled up on eachother made me want to keep going.
I took two big bottles of the strong stuff home. I wanted to drink them, really just chug them down. There's the excuse of "I need to see how it's holding up in the bottle", etc. I had about a half hour till my girlfriend was coming and reasoned that I could finish both bottles, or maybe one before she arrived.
Not to be melodramatic, but I looked in the mirror and remembered what it would be like to start myself into the process of a bender. The relief sounded great but I'd have to tell my girlfriend I had drank, live with myself, and then the hangover.
So, the bottles are getting put back. I'm looking forward to when I don't need to taste anything on account of my job. It seems that days where I have to, I get depressed, tired, and want to have (a) drink. I can see how abstinence would be WAY easier than moderation.
Because of my career field, I've heard a lot of "can't you just have one?". Screw that. Picking peppers in my garden, cleaning, bill paying, and being called in to work.
Hope you are all well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Greetings everybody,
Another weekend is drawing to a close. I am looking forward to next weekend as this is when my vacation begins.
I've been not drinking, work is work. I'm honestly a bit stressed right now as I'm starting to feel pressure to have vacation planned to a 'T'. I'm usually a "go with the flow" kind of person when it comes to these things, but I have to plan for two.
Saw my assistant who drinks heavily at the grocery store buying beer. (He's already had some incidents from over consumption.) I had talked to him a bit about drinking, the industry, and how I'd really not like to see him live 'hard' like I had. I wasn't preachy when I told him this, but he's going to live his own life. For me, where I work feels toxic now. That really gets me down.
I guess there are a few good things to draw from this entire experience of helping open a start-up:
a) I won't be opening my own business in this industry. (That would literally kill me.)
b) I am working my way towards sobriety (not just being dry) and being healthy. Realistically, I'd probably be dead by 40-50 years of age if things kept up. That wasn't manageable.
It's difficult to accept how alcohol messes with people, and how it's glorified/admired by so many others. I had an old boss that said, to paraphrase, "It's not like we're teaching homeless kids to read." This guy keeps "work" and his outside life separate, he has walked a hard road too.
Here's the messed up thing, even though I dislike the stuff and all of the negative things it's caused in my life since I've started drinking, when I am stressed (right now as I right this), I want to get black-out drunk. I don't want to be out at a bar or a restaurant or with friends. I want to be home, alone, wasted. During a walk today, at 11A.M., I wished I was at home crushing beers. Did the time matter? No. I was walking through the store today and stopped at the beer cooler. I didn't buy anything as I reminded myself that it wouldn't solve anything.
I reasoned that it would take the edge off, lift some of the load from my shoulders. I know where it goes if it starts. Generally it's too much of a hassle to stop once I start, right? I'd rather not **** away the sober (minus QC samples, a few ounces) time I have. Sometimes it sounds good though.
I was short today with some people I care about. I'm tired, a bit stressed out. Eating some dinner, drinking some water, working on this trip thing.
All the best.
Another weekend is drawing to a close. I am looking forward to next weekend as this is when my vacation begins.
I've been not drinking, work is work. I'm honestly a bit stressed right now as I'm starting to feel pressure to have vacation planned to a 'T'. I'm usually a "go with the flow" kind of person when it comes to these things, but I have to plan for two.
Saw my assistant who drinks heavily at the grocery store buying beer. (He's already had some incidents from over consumption.) I had talked to him a bit about drinking, the industry, and how I'd really not like to see him live 'hard' like I had. I wasn't preachy when I told him this, but he's going to live his own life. For me, where I work feels toxic now. That really gets me down.
I guess there are a few good things to draw from this entire experience of helping open a start-up:
a) I won't be opening my own business in this industry. (That would literally kill me.)
b) I am working my way towards sobriety (not just being dry) and being healthy. Realistically, I'd probably be dead by 40-50 years of age if things kept up. That wasn't manageable.
It's difficult to accept how alcohol messes with people, and how it's glorified/admired by so many others. I had an old boss that said, to paraphrase, "It's not like we're teaching homeless kids to read." This guy keeps "work" and his outside life separate, he has walked a hard road too.
Here's the messed up thing, even though I dislike the stuff and all of the negative things it's caused in my life since I've started drinking, when I am stressed (right now as I right this), I want to get black-out drunk. I don't want to be out at a bar or a restaurant or with friends. I want to be home, alone, wasted. During a walk today, at 11A.M., I wished I was at home crushing beers. Did the time matter? No. I was walking through the store today and stopped at the beer cooler. I didn't buy anything as I reminded myself that it wouldn't solve anything.
I reasoned that it would take the edge off, lift some of the load from my shoulders. I know where it goes if it starts. Generally it's too much of a hassle to stop once I start, right? I'd rather not **** away the sober (minus QC samples, a few ounces) time I have. Sometimes it sounds good though.
I was short today with some people I care about. I'm tired, a bit stressed out. Eating some dinner, drinking some water, working on this trip thing.
All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Hi again,
I just wanted to update you all. Still no drinking, but very close on an evening or two before the trip. I have made a few offhand "jokes" to my girlfriend about wishing I could drink, which in reality I know if I drank I'd want to get hammered to forget a lot of things. (Black out) That doesn't do me any good though.
This trip has been difficult. I am lucky that I had left the place I'm trying to move to, as I wouldn't have gotten to where I am right now and met the people I've met. (My girlfriend) However, it was and still is a hard, difficult path.
I'll be having to keep my current job for a little while longer (hopefully not more than 6 months), but I do have a few companies interested in hiring me. They are just going into the slow season so taking on more people is difficult. I may have some leads through some old contacts in the area that I'm trying to move to. It would more or less be a complete career change. Thank goodness.
We start the drive back today, 16 hours. I hope everyone is as good as they can be.
Thanks.
I just wanted to update you all. Still no drinking, but very close on an evening or two before the trip. I have made a few offhand "jokes" to my girlfriend about wishing I could drink, which in reality I know if I drank I'd want to get hammered to forget a lot of things. (Black out) That doesn't do me any good though.
This trip has been difficult. I am lucky that I had left the place I'm trying to move to, as I wouldn't have gotten to where I am right now and met the people I've met. (My girlfriend) However, it was and still is a hard, difficult path.
I'll be having to keep my current job for a little while longer (hopefully not more than 6 months), but I do have a few companies interested in hiring me. They are just going into the slow season so taking on more people is difficult. I may have some leads through some old contacts in the area that I'm trying to move to. It would more or less be a complete career change. Thank goodness.
We start the drive back today, 16 hours. I hope everyone is as good as they can be.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Still working through things
Hello everyone,
I wanted to check in. Things have been OK as far as life goes, I am still not drinking. However, I have been starting to feel urges to drink. It's like a strong feeling of sadness/tiredness mixed with the feeling of wanting to hide or escape. Getting a little distance from drinking has helped me see what an @sshole I've been the past 10 years. I've been selfish and emotionally walled up from everyone. I did not treat people fairly, but I didn't see it that way because I was always in the drinking/hangover/drinking cycle. I could also be debt free and in a WAY better financial position as well.
On an embarrassing note, I caved one night and bought some beer. Stupid, yes, but I didn't drink it. I ran into someone that I knew, that I had told about my struggle with drinking. I am glad I saw her and that she saw me. It didn't eliminate the urge to drink, but it helped put it all back into perspective and helped keep me from drinking that night.
I'm finding that things at work (stress/frustration) set me off the most. Some of my coworkers drink A LOT. I know one of them is having physical, internal problems (the youngest). I see him as myself, 6-7 years ago, maybe a bit further than where I was. I've told him before that it doesn't get better by itself. I'm also tired of watching my boss drink on the job. It also gets me down knowing that I now have a monkey on my back for the rest of my life.
Some employees still drink after 2-3 arrests that were directly caused by drinking. It boggles my mind how they don't see this as a wake-up call. I'm sure that people who have been watching my life from the outside could point to a lot of times where they could say the same thing about me though too.
Has anyone talked with problem drinkers about their habits, how they aren't helping move their life forward? Is it possible to do this without being preachy? Most of these guys are in their mid-20's and hang with each other as drinking buddies. I've already gotten up my boss' behind (three times) about how drinking at work has really stunted the growth of our company and how it looks bad for us. I wish I had someone sit down with me and talk about what that kind of drinking leads to. I WOULD BE SO MUCH FURTHER AHEAD IN MY LIFE if I had given this stuff up years ago.
I'm still working on new jobs, new career fields. It's a bummer that the pay cut would be large, but that wouldn't be forever. PLUS, I'd be in a healthier environment.
That was a bit all over the place, but I hope everyone has been well.
Have a wonderful day.
I wanted to check in. Things have been OK as far as life goes, I am still not drinking. However, I have been starting to feel urges to drink. It's like a strong feeling of sadness/tiredness mixed with the feeling of wanting to hide or escape. Getting a little distance from drinking has helped me see what an @sshole I've been the past 10 years. I've been selfish and emotionally walled up from everyone. I did not treat people fairly, but I didn't see it that way because I was always in the drinking/hangover/drinking cycle. I could also be debt free and in a WAY better financial position as well.
On an embarrassing note, I caved one night and bought some beer. Stupid, yes, but I didn't drink it. I ran into someone that I knew, that I had told about my struggle with drinking. I am glad I saw her and that she saw me. It didn't eliminate the urge to drink, but it helped put it all back into perspective and helped keep me from drinking that night.
I'm finding that things at work (stress/frustration) set me off the most. Some of my coworkers drink A LOT. I know one of them is having physical, internal problems (the youngest). I see him as myself, 6-7 years ago, maybe a bit further than where I was. I've told him before that it doesn't get better by itself. I'm also tired of watching my boss drink on the job. It also gets me down knowing that I now have a monkey on my back for the rest of my life.
Some employees still drink after 2-3 arrests that were directly caused by drinking. It boggles my mind how they don't see this as a wake-up call. I'm sure that people who have been watching my life from the outside could point to a lot of times where they could say the same thing about me though too.
Has anyone talked with problem drinkers about their habits, how they aren't helping move their life forward? Is it possible to do this without being preachy? Most of these guys are in their mid-20's and hang with each other as drinking buddies. I've already gotten up my boss' behind (three times) about how drinking at work has really stunted the growth of our company and how it looks bad for us. I wish I had someone sit down with me and talk about what that kind of drinking leads to. I WOULD BE SO MUCH FURTHER AHEAD IN MY LIFE if I had given this stuff up years ago.
I'm still working on new jobs, new career fields. It's a bummer that the pay cut would be large, but that wouldn't be forever. PLUS, I'd be in a healthier environment.
That was a bit all over the place, but I hope everyone has been well.
Have a wonderful day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Today was difficult.
I'll be at four months on the 27th of this month. I can't seem to sleep tonight even though I'm very tired.
I'm starting to find that I'm beginning to become agitated with other people's drinking habits, as I'm seeing what it does to them. I was frustrated today seeing my assistant sit at the bar and have the equivalent of 5.5 (~5%) beers before he went home. He had yet to pack for his trip to see his friends this weekend and said it would be nice to be done early so he could do that. Also my boss having 10oz beers then see him with coffee 10 minutes later.
One is drunk or hungover most of the time, the other seems to be riding the wave. I get frustrated with my assistant a lot for things he does (near miss today with hot water and a line under pressure) but what path he's on. I see me in him and I know where his road will go.
I'm actively applying for new jobs. Drinking, it's much more annoying when you have to watch other people, especially when you have to compensate for them. Still can't sleep. I almost don't want to sleep. I hate alcohol.
Hope everyone is well.
I'll be at four months on the 27th of this month. I can't seem to sleep tonight even though I'm very tired.
I'm starting to find that I'm beginning to become agitated with other people's drinking habits, as I'm seeing what it does to them. I was frustrated today seeing my assistant sit at the bar and have the equivalent of 5.5 (~5%) beers before he went home. He had yet to pack for his trip to see his friends this weekend and said it would be nice to be done early so he could do that. Also my boss having 10oz beers then see him with coffee 10 minutes later.
One is drunk or hungover most of the time, the other seems to be riding the wave. I get frustrated with my assistant a lot for things he does (near miss today with hot water and a line under pressure) but what path he's on. I see me in him and I know where his road will go.
I'm actively applying for new jobs. Drinking, it's much more annoying when you have to watch other people, especially when you have to compensate for them. Still can't sleep. I almost don't want to sleep. I hate alcohol.
Hope everyone is well.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Cellardweller 
with a little bIt more time I let go of other peoples drinking - not my circus not my monkeys.
I don;t think thats a cop-out . One of the reasons I drank was I was the self appointed General Manager Of The Universe.
It was unhealthy for me - I let go of that job, and I'm way happier and content for it
D
with a little bIt more time I let go of other peoples drinking - not my circus not my monkeys.
I don;t think thats a cop-out . One of the reasons I drank was I was the self appointed General Manager Of The Universe.
It was unhealthy for me - I let go of that job, and I'm way happier and content for it
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Greetings Everybody,
I wanted to check in, it's been a little while.
I'm pulling the plug on my current job and making a move with my girlfriend to a new state. She's been able to secure a really great job and I've got a few promising leads. I'll be doing an interview shortly after getting into town, keeping my fingers crossed. I'll be doing something semi-related, plumbing instead of brewing. I have been able to talk to some of the people who I think my drinking hurt the most. These talks were stressing me out, but now that I have done them, I feel better.
I really want to be a good person now, it's not all about 'me' anymore. I am still working on some anger/temper issues, and trying to improve myself as a person. Financially I am trying to get myself in line too so that we can start looking at a house in a year or so.
Life still has its challenges; I am learning to accept that I can't change people and the only person I can change is myself. (This is one reason I drank. I'm not a control freak (maybe I am) but it's very difficult for me to feel powerless in a situation.) It's also difficult to see people who are struggling with addiction, or those who abuse alcohol without the thought of what it's doing to them. (Even if it's 'all in fun' right now, it's still conditioning their bodies to need it, whether they like it or not.) I hope they realize the GIANT hand they can be giving themselves if they can cut it back, or if they need help, to reach out.
On the diet and exercise front, I've started to crave sweets and have noticed that I am low on how much water I'm drinking...so, bottoms up on that! I'm also walking about 2 hours a day outside of work. Work generally has me on my feet all day, but the extra walks help clear my mind a bit.
I am looking forward to the move, I'm coming back from my 6 year detour.
I hope you have all been well.
edit: Still no drinking. Cravings come and go, mostly at a time of stress. Most of the time I don't want anything. When I do want it, it's not just for (1) drink. It would be till blackout. I know that, and because of that, I don't start.
I wanted to check in, it's been a little while.
I'm pulling the plug on my current job and making a move with my girlfriend to a new state. She's been able to secure a really great job and I've got a few promising leads. I'll be doing an interview shortly after getting into town, keeping my fingers crossed. I'll be doing something semi-related, plumbing instead of brewing. I have been able to talk to some of the people who I think my drinking hurt the most. These talks were stressing me out, but now that I have done them, I feel better.
I really want to be a good person now, it's not all about 'me' anymore. I am still working on some anger/temper issues, and trying to improve myself as a person. Financially I am trying to get myself in line too so that we can start looking at a house in a year or so.
Life still has its challenges; I am learning to accept that I can't change people and the only person I can change is myself. (This is one reason I drank. I'm not a control freak (maybe I am) but it's very difficult for me to feel powerless in a situation.) It's also difficult to see people who are struggling with addiction, or those who abuse alcohol without the thought of what it's doing to them. (Even if it's 'all in fun' right now, it's still conditioning their bodies to need it, whether they like it or not.) I hope they realize the GIANT hand they can be giving themselves if they can cut it back, or if they need help, to reach out.
On the diet and exercise front, I've started to crave sweets and have noticed that I am low on how much water I'm drinking...so, bottoms up on that! I'm also walking about 2 hours a day outside of work. Work generally has me on my feet all day, but the extra walks help clear my mind a bit.
I am looking forward to the move, I'm coming back from my 6 year detour.
I hope you have all been well.
edit: Still no drinking. Cravings come and go, mostly at a time of stress. Most of the time I don't want anything. When I do want it, it's not just for (1) drink. It would be till blackout. I know that, and because of that, I don't start.
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