whatsgoingon

Ok, help me out here. What I'm about to write is ridiculous but for whatever reason it is having a really big impact on my efforts to quit.

I am trying to give up drinking but there always seems to be an occasion on the horizon which will require me to drink. Just writing this stuff I feel stupid but trust me on this, sub consciously it's really eating me up. I feel like I don't want to let anyone down, I feel like I will be spoiling everyone's fun if I don't drink. In a few weeks time I have a camping trip booked with some friends and their kids. We only get together with these friends once a year and I know how much my friend Nick looks forward to having a laugh with me over a few beers. If truth be told neither of us really like the camping but it's bearable having the odd beer whilst cooking the barbie. What can I do? I don't want to let him down and I don't want to drink. This by the way is one of a couple of pre arranged social events that are taking place over the summer.

The last time I gave up I had to go through a similar situation where we rented out a lodge with some friends for a winter break. On that weekend I did not drink and if I'm honest it was awful. I felt really uncomfortable being the only sober adult there. I felt like I was on the outside looking in. My friends didn't make a big deal out it and tried to carry on as normal but I could tell that they felt the whole thing was weird. It did not feel right for them or me. It was a very strange weekend. Looking back it still makes me cringe. I almost wish I never went and just stayed at home.

As I said, I get that this just sounds stupid but for me it is real problem and one that is hindering my progress.

Any thoughts?

tekink

It sounds like your AV talking to you but you think it's yourself.

That's one of the lines my used on me.


Also in my experience it's not fun to be around drinking people in recovery. It puts the whole thing in your face and it's hard enough to deal with as it is. At this point I have enough reminders of what I've done to myself.

leviathan

I didn't do much hanging with the drinking folks early on (is it early for you?).

Past that I think a good question to ask ourselves is -what gives this beverage such power that we think we won't be "enough" without it? And, what gives this beverage such power that a friend might think we're not "enough" without it?

I know that the current outlook on this drug kind of stacks the deck against us, but what is the truth? The real truth?

Well, it seems that many people drink enough (or more than enough) to have a good time when its traditional, or the only real way to enjoy something that isn't really all that fun...

The drinking friends that fell of my radar after sobriety are people I've found I don't really like to spend time sober with. As for the others: we found a way. Before the training wheels were off for me, my close friends cut me some slack, and didn't get hammered in front of me.

Now, they pretty much know I'm cool until things get so stupid that they are yelling over each other and laughing at nothing. -then I'm out.

Its all good...but it cant be without the crucial decision: Are you a drinker, or a non-drinker? Either way, picking one saves a lot of stress in these situations.

Briar

Not stupid at all, I felt the exact same way, a lot of people do. When we are so used to social drinking, I think on some level we feel responsible for others, like our sobriety status controls their experience. And yeah, sometimes this change you make for yourself affects the dynamic a bit, but probably less than you think.

In my experience, drinking together brings a certain sense of comradery. I believe sober relationships are deeper and more genuine because you present your true self. Real friends are the ones who appreciate you for who you really are. This involves some exposure and vulnerability.

They say nothing changes if nothing changes. With recovery comes change, it’s just how it is. But it probably isn’t as bad as you expect. Other people being uncomfortable with you probably pales in comparison to the challenge of becoming comfortable with yourself sober. That’s where your focus needs to be.

When I finally got really serious about recovery, I skipped a lot of social engagements because I also believed that whether I drank would make or break the party, and I worried that I would feel obligated to drink for the sake of others. I don’t feel that way anymore, and my friends and I still have fun.

If you truly can’t enjoy this event sober, then maybe it doesn’t have a place in your sober life. You have to put your recovery first no matter what. It’s worth whatever it takes. You can do this!

doggonecarl

I going to guess that when faced with this choice, you usually drink.

Time to choose letting people down.

You are responsible for your sobriety, not for making sure your friends are comfortable in a drinking setting.

ScottFromWI

To be quite honest it sounds like you are just trying to give yourself an excuse to drink. It's very common in addiction though and we've all done it many times over. The list of excuses is virtually limitless - and "letting others down because I'm not drinking" is a very common one.

You mention yourself at the beginning of your post that it sounds ridiculous, and that's because it is. Replace alcohol with anything else and see how it sounds. How about watermelon? "I really don't want to let my friends down by not eating watermelon when I come over to visit. I'm sure it looks weird to them that I'm not eating watermelon, especially when everyone else is eating it".

The bottom line for me was that sobriety means a LOT more than just not drinking alcohol. It meant setting boundaries - and one boundary is that what other people think about my drinking ( or not drinking ) is irrelevant. If someone has a problem with the fact that I am not drinking, they are not a true friend and not someone I need to spend time with.

Sobriety also meant changing a lot of things about my life - where I go, what I do and who I do it with. For example, I don't hang out at bars anymore. Even though i CAN, I don't. Bars are places to drink, and I don't drink. I will eat at restaurants that serve alcohol, and I attend events that alcohol is served, but I don't attend events where the sole purpose for attending is drinking.

It ain't easy...but it's more than worth it in the long run.

Maudcat

Hi, whatsgoingon.
My experience was that I thought people were paying far more attention to whether I was or wasn't drinkng than they actually were.
Truly, no one cares.
You won't be letting anyone down by not drinking alcohol.

SoberCAH

I respectfully disagree that you have mentioned a circumstance which requires you to drink.

It sounds like you have 1 foot in wanting to get sober and another one in the old drinking life.

I did, too, at one point.

But I made a decision to ask for help and, with the greatest of reluctance, I came to accept that I needed to quit drinking.

I got the help I needed.

I had to give up some really important relationships which invariably involved drinking.

The rewards I have received in making that sacrifice have exceeded anything I could have ever imagined.

I hope that you make a decision to cross the Rubicon of doubt into the world of sobriety.

The sacrifices that you need to make will undoubtedly be dwarfed by the miracles in your life which follow.

BlownOne

Agree with SoberCAH. There simply aren't any situations that require you to drink. You may feel self pressure or peer pressure to drink, but the choice is still yours to make. I've found that ppl that really care about me not only respect my decision not to drink, they actually support me in it. I have a much better time sober than I ever did drunk. Even in the "good ol days". I can enjoy social gatherings without worrying about making a fool out of myself with something I said or did. I'm not tired and hungover the next day. I sleep better at night. And best of all when I look at myself in the mirror, my self respect is in tact. That was a big one for me.

Caramel

"If truth be told neither of us really like the camping " was the bit that stood out to me.
Maybe time to do something you really like instead?

waynetheking

Your life depends on not drinking. You have a disease. Think about it.

Dee74

My AV had me hooked with the I can't let anyone down line too...

the truth was, when I did quit, my mates got on just fine.

Those who wanted to continue to drink found a new drinking buddy and moved on....

and those who supported me in my decision to quit stuck by me.

I'm a musician.

These days when I'm around mates who still drink heavily, I don't lecture them, they don't bother me, and we both have a good time each in our own understanding of what a good time is.

I do tend to bow out early these days...but noone throws themselves at my feet to beg me to stay.

They're all busy having their version of a good time..my being there or not doesn't seem to make a difference after a certain point

I look back and marvel at how much I thought about others welfare - and had no consideration at all for my own.

It's a ridiculous justification for continue to drink.

Just because 2 or more people are stuck in a kind of codependent group addiction doesn't make it any better.

I have a great new life now. I'm fulfilling my potential, I'm happy and I'm at peace. I could never say any of those things as a drinker.

It would be a shame for you to miss out on being all you could be, whatsgoingon.
D

MachinistGuy

I still go to the pub. In fact I go there more than I did when I was drinking alcohol.

No-one at the pub knows why I have stopped drinking and there was a bit of curiosity at first. Not that any of them had seen me drunk - If I was on a bender I would be at home, isolated, not wanting human company.

Now people just accept that I drink coke or orange juice.

The one who is making a big deal out of me being sober in a drinking situation is me. I know it's a bit irrational, but that's the way it is. I'm getting better about it though, the feeling will pass.

FBL

It's pretty common alcoholic thinking, actually. It was just one of many excuses I used to keep myself addicted for years.

Mizzuno

Please dont live your life worried about other people and their thoughts about you not drinking. There is nothing to gain from that line of thinking.

Have fun and stay sober. Your heart and mind will Thank You later.

tomsteve

"I feel like I don't want to let anyone down, I feel like I will be spoiling everyone's fun if I don't drink."
then
" truth be told neither of us really like the camping but it's bearable having the odd beer whilst cooking the barbie."
reads like whats eating you up is self importance- a wee vit of an inflamed ego.
might want to ask your friends how in the world they cope and have fun all of the others days of the year you arent around.

"..but I could tell that they felt the whole thing was weird."

youre a mind reader and know how other people feel,too?
no, you werent. you were on the outside looking in, as you yourself said.


"The last time I gave up.."
how many more times do you want to continue giving up?
keep hanging around the barbershop, youll keep gettin your hair cut.

whatsgoingon

Thank you all so much for replying. Lots of really great advice. I'm not doing very well at the moment and my recovery is just not happening. I'm finding it really difficult to go any longer than 3 days before succumb to drink. It's so frustrating, I know I'm doing it and I know it's wrong but I can't stop. I woke up this morning and I could not even remember what I watched on television. I feel tired, miserable and so unhealthy. I have put weight on, im lethargic, depressed and have zero motivation.

Sorry about the self loathing. I'm most definitely in a rutt at the moment. I'm not going to stop trying, I will dig deep and keep the faith.

Mizzuno

Quitting drinking was one of the hardest tasks that I encountered. It does not get easier the longer a person drinks.

You can decide to abstain and you will be better off from it. Please dont let the alcohol fool you into thinking that its a good idea or its not that bad. If you want to quit then make a plan and stick with it.

Log onto the 24 hr thread or join the monthly group and get support. Log into SR and post when the urge hits to drink.

Weight gain, lethargy and depression are all associated with alcohol use, as you already know.

I am sorry that you are struggling and I do know what it is like. I was in the same place time after time. Now, this time around, I am reaching 4 months free of alcohol and my personal life is going amazing. I have energy to run daily, Im clear headed, I am rested. No more dark circles under my eyes. Please know that you can do this and be healthy again.

Rooting for you.

Fly N Buy

Many of us tried for years to dig deep and quit on our own will power, but it always failed at some point. Once I had tried this over and over it became evident (though I couldn't see it at the time) I was hopeless unless I sought help.

For alcoholics who find this to be their truth my experience is working the program of AA relieved the obsession to drink.


"....we were the victims of a mental obsession so subtly powerful that no amount of human will power could break it."
Twelve step and Twelve traditions
Step one
pg 22


"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
Alcoholics Anonymous
pg 24

Under the lash of alcoholism, we are driven to A.A. and there we discover the fatal nature of our situation. Then, and only then, do we become open-minded to conviction and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We stand ready to do anything that will lift the merciless obsession from us.

PhoenixJ

I guess you know all the obvious answers to that one. This is not related, but the tought popped into my brain.
My 2 adult sons, who I love- have not contacted me since a really crappy incident with booze- burns- etc. Me- no one else hurt. Was alone. I do not drink now. Last year at a counselling session I said to my counsellor I was worried about my sons and their possible potential to become alcie's- like me. That was my martyrish reason for wanting to be in their lives. The point actually was- I wanted them in my life and was justifying it with warped thinking.