I wanna be alone?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 3
I wanna be alone?
Hello everyone at SR!
Not really sure were to start with this one. I have a small chunk of sobriety. Not really thinking about picking up. Going to AA meetings. Doing good but as long as i am ALONE.
I know this behavior might be the one that needs breaking, since i sorta felt that the "lone drunken wolf syndrome" was the one keeping me inside, isolated, drinking my way through the days. Yet i cannot feel like doing anything else but working, listening to music and reading. Excluding most of the activities that involve other human beings or any other being.
Even going to AA sometimes is a burden. Don't get me wrong. It is mostly filled with sorta-young people with some solid sober time, really future-forward and happy, fully into recovery. I try to inmerse myself in the spirit of union and everything but i sorta feel overwhelmed since i don't really have a sense of joy in the interaction or bonding in general. I have a handful of friends and even with them i really don't do much and i really don't want any more of them. Family sucked from the get-go (yet they are family - but they do not provide anything more than the occasional dinner - sorta of a Lorelei Gilmore situation) and girlfriend does not like me either drunk or sober.
I am not looking forward on finding joy on babies, pets or flowers. So, am i doomed? Am i a pessimist loner and i really don't want to change? I have been like this all my life. I do find it sometimes frustrating but my energy is really low, and now is hitting an all time low. Some people want me to zipline, parachute, drag race, triathlon my way through life but right now i just want to make a pot of coffee and press play. Where does this will lead on my will to be sober?
Re-watched "Limelight". Oh such an existential film. Maybe that brought some stuff in me. Thanks for letting me vent!
Not really sure were to start with this one. I have a small chunk of sobriety. Not really thinking about picking up. Going to AA meetings. Doing good but as long as i am ALONE.
I know this behavior might be the one that needs breaking, since i sorta felt that the "lone drunken wolf syndrome" was the one keeping me inside, isolated, drinking my way through the days. Yet i cannot feel like doing anything else but working, listening to music and reading. Excluding most of the activities that involve other human beings or any other being.
Even going to AA sometimes is a burden. Don't get me wrong. It is mostly filled with sorta-young people with some solid sober time, really future-forward and happy, fully into recovery. I try to inmerse myself in the spirit of union and everything but i sorta feel overwhelmed since i don't really have a sense of joy in the interaction or bonding in general. I have a handful of friends and even with them i really don't do much and i really don't want any more of them. Family sucked from the get-go (yet they are family - but they do not provide anything more than the occasional dinner - sorta of a Lorelei Gilmore situation) and girlfriend does not like me either drunk or sober.
I am not looking forward on finding joy on babies, pets or flowers. So, am i doomed? Am i a pessimist loner and i really don't want to change? I have been like this all my life. I do find it sometimes frustrating but my energy is really low, and now is hitting an all time low. Some people want me to zipline, parachute, drag race, triathlon my way through life but right now i just want to make a pot of coffee and press play. Where does this will lead on my will to be sober?
Re-watched "Limelight". Oh such an existential film. Maybe that brought some stuff in me. Thanks for letting me vent!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I am not anti-social, I am just not social. No one will ever confuse me with being a social butterfly :~)
Listening to music and reading are also some of my favorite activities as well. Most of my favorite things don't require the involvement of other human beings. I like my alone time. I need my alone time.
I also recognize the importance of balance in dealing with my addictive (alcoholism) behavior. I need to balance my alone time with human interaction. Reading wasn't easy when I first started it as a child, but now it is second nature. Like most things, practice makes easy.
The other day, I actually invited someone to go on a motorcycle ride upcountry with me. I have never done that before. I don't need the company of anyone else to enjoy my motorcycle. I am good with just me, the bike, and the road.
My friend was into the idea of a ride together. So far we haven't done it yet, but just the fact that I actually invited another person along made me feel good about myself and I couldn't help but think "Wow! I am changing!"... and not for the worse.
Who woulda thunk!
Listening to music and reading are also some of my favorite activities as well. Most of my favorite things don't require the involvement of other human beings. I like my alone time. I need my alone time.
I also recognize the importance of balance in dealing with my addictive (alcoholism) behavior. I need to balance my alone time with human interaction. Reading wasn't easy when I first started it as a child, but now it is second nature. Like most things, practice makes easy.
The other day, I actually invited someone to go on a motorcycle ride upcountry with me. I have never done that before. I don't need the company of anyone else to enjoy my motorcycle. I am good with just me, the bike, and the road.
My friend was into the idea of a ride together. So far we haven't done it yet, but just the fact that I actually invited another person along made me feel good about myself and I couldn't help but think "Wow! I am changing!"... and not for the worse.
Who woulda thunk!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
As long as you don't pick up? Do what makes you happy.
That said I would *try to do something outside 1x a day. Walk, swim, sit under a tree and read.
If that's too much aim for every other day.
Check out activities list in Sober Living. Pg. 44 I think.
GL,
J
That said I would *try to do something outside 1x a day. Walk, swim, sit under a tree and read.
If that's too much aim for every other day.
Check out activities list in Sober Living. Pg. 44 I think.
GL,
J
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Glad to hear you have some sobriety under your belt Alkaline, and it's good to know that you are taking some positive/proactive steps in your sobriety with meetings.
Isolation can definitely be a dangerous thing to our sobriety if we aren't careful. The first thing i'd suggest is to remember that your life isn't going to magically transform overnight because you quit drinking. I think sometimes we have that expectation as addicts...we tend to want everything NOW. But of course that's not how life really works, things take time.
Second off, you definitely are not "doomed". Anyone can change, you are not an exception. You already have made some pretty big changes making the commitment to be sober and start going to meetings, that' a BIG deal. You are also actively seeking help in this forum, another step "outside the box". I would suggest that if you do a little of something new each day, you'll be amazed at how far you will be one week, one month or one year from now.
Finally, consider that you might also have other underlying issues to your addiction to work on. Depression, anxiety, etc are all very common to those of us that are addicts - and quitting drinking itself can help with those...but many of us need additional help. Self help, therapy, etc can all help define the issues and put you on a path to solve them.
Isolation can definitely be a dangerous thing to our sobriety if we aren't careful. The first thing i'd suggest is to remember that your life isn't going to magically transform overnight because you quit drinking. I think sometimes we have that expectation as addicts...we tend to want everything NOW. But of course that's not how life really works, things take time.
Second off, you definitely are not "doomed". Anyone can change, you are not an exception. You already have made some pretty big changes making the commitment to be sober and start going to meetings, that' a BIG deal. You are also actively seeking help in this forum, another step "outside the box". I would suggest that if you do a little of something new each day, you'll be amazed at how far you will be one week, one month or one year from now.
Finally, consider that you might also have other underlying issues to your addiction to work on. Depression, anxiety, etc are all very common to those of us that are addicts - and quitting drinking itself can help with those...but many of us need additional help. Self help, therapy, etc can all help define the issues and put you on a path to solve them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
Hi AK, and welcome to SR!
The short answer to your questions is that you're not necessarily "doomed" -- it's perfectly possible to be a happily sober and introverted at the same time. There are many sober introverts right here on SR.
The long answer has to do with the old saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I found it hard to stay sober in the long term without making major adjustments to the way I look at things and the responses to stress that alcoholism had ingrained in me.
I think the key is in learning to know your true self, and how to differentiate between "solitude" and "isolation." If your true, authentic self prefers your own company and is happier when you spend your time with babies, pets, and flowers, then all is good. There's nothing wrong with solitude if an introvert is who you really are.
Isolating yourself from other people, feeling compelled to avoid them due to unhappiness with either them or yourself, is not so good. Your addiction wants you to isolate so it can have you all to itself and work its sinister magic to get you to drink again.
For me, I've come to peace with being a solitary person. Being around other people too much upsets my serenity, even if they're people I like. However, I have to be careful that I'm not avoiding people for the wrong reasons.
Hope this helps. I'm sure others will be along with clearer answers.
The short answer to your questions is that you're not necessarily "doomed" -- it's perfectly possible to be a happily sober and introverted at the same time. There are many sober introverts right here on SR.
The long answer has to do with the old saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I found it hard to stay sober in the long term without making major adjustments to the way I look at things and the responses to stress that alcoholism had ingrained in me.
I think the key is in learning to know your true self, and how to differentiate between "solitude" and "isolation." If your true, authentic self prefers your own company and is happier when you spend your time with babies, pets, and flowers, then all is good. There's nothing wrong with solitude if an introvert is who you really are.
Isolating yourself from other people, feeling compelled to avoid them due to unhappiness with either them or yourself, is not so good. Your addiction wants you to isolate so it can have you all to itself and work its sinister magic to get you to drink again.
For me, I've come to peace with being a solitary person. Being around other people too much upsets my serenity, even if they're people I like. However, I have to be careful that I'm not avoiding people for the wrong reasons.
Hope this helps. I'm sure others will be along with clearer answers.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm an introverted introvert, at the best of times. When I'm going through something major, as you are...I'm more so.
One person's "isolation" may be an introvert's "self-care." Only you can really determine that, yes?
If it feels like a needed respite, respect that that is who you are?
One person's "isolation" may be an introvert's "self-care." Only you can really determine that, yes?
If it feels like a needed respite, respect that that is who you are?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: upstate new york
Posts: 131
hi AK
me and you are like 2 peas in a pod. I can totally relate.
lots of great advice and understanding here.
I think we just need to accept things for how they are during these early times
I will never be a social butterfly but I will be sober and living a better life
me and you are like 2 peas in a pod. I can totally relate.
lots of great advice and understanding here.
I think we just need to accept things for how they are during these early times
I will never be a social butterfly but I will be sober and living a better life
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
I hear you! In early days for me the 'people' side of AA felt to me both uncomfortable and a source of shame. I sorta fitted in but not quite.
Today is a different story. Yep I'm an Introvert and need solitary time but have some immense people in my life and connection with others is an essential and enjoyable part of life. Me in early sobriety probably couldn't imagine being the person I am today. In fact me in early sobriety probably wouldn't have wanted to be the person I am today.
Never say never...hang in and do what you can/need to do. But yep be careful of the tendency to isolate and maybe stretch yourself a little. I would recommend getting a simple service job like making the coffee.
Today is a different story. Yep I'm an Introvert and need solitary time but have some immense people in my life and connection with others is an essential and enjoyable part of life. Me in early sobriety probably couldn't imagine being the person I am today. In fact me in early sobriety probably wouldn't have wanted to be the person I am today.
Never say never...hang in and do what you can/need to do. But yep be careful of the tendency to isolate and maybe stretch yourself a little. I would recommend getting a simple service job like making the coffee.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Recovery is a process and it takes time. We're all different. As someone who drank daily for ten years before getting sober, it took much a long time to feel peace of mind and feel comfortable in my own skin. So just keep going to meetings, the more you engage and talk to others the better you'll feel.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
4.5 months I cherish my alone time and look forward to it. I want to be alone and hide from the world, it's what makes me most comfortable and helps me not obscess over the situation I've put myself in. I can find plenty of things to keep my mind occupied. At this point I think staying in my comfort zone as much as possible is the best thing for me.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi AK, I don't think you're doomed at all.
Great replies here. Isolation usually is us trying to get rid of people because, well, then we can do what we want.
However, I am 14 months sober now and just like you, I'd rather be in my house, no one else around, watching a good show and having something really good for dinner.
I think the key is to recognize whether or not you're isolating because you prefer to be alone or if there's another underlying motive at work.
If you just like to be alone, and are sober and honestly happy about it, then I don't see an issue with that.
Great replies here. Isolation usually is us trying to get rid of people because, well, then we can do what we want.
However, I am 14 months sober now and just like you, I'd rather be in my house, no one else around, watching a good show and having something really good for dinner.
I think the key is to recognize whether or not you're isolating because you prefer to be alone or if there's another underlying motive at work.
If you just like to be alone, and are sober and honestly happy about it, then I don't see an issue with that.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Two things came to mind as I read your post. First I enjoyed meetings but never really felt a part of AA until I got well into the steps. Up to that point I felt very alone. I thought I must be the worst person ever to come to AA. As I worked the steps I discovered I was just an ordinary alcoholic, and I began to have the solution in common with the others, and not just the problem. I began to feel I belonged.
The second thing was about what type of drinker you were. My drinking was to make me larger than life, I was out the door, in the bar, wherever there seemed to be some fun going on. Even at the end of my drinking when most people would have nothing to do with me, I still sought out human company.
A chap I met in rehab was the opposite. He was a "closet" drinker. He found it enormously difficult to socialize. When we were discharged, we got him along to one social event, which he did not enjoy, then he withdrew to his house. I went to see him a day later and he wouldn't answer the door. He was drinking, and the last time I saw him was through a window as he slipped from one room to another. That night his house burnt down.
In AA the ability to be alone and at "perfect peace and ease" is seen as a blessing. What you are experienceing may not be a bad thing, it just depends on how it fits with old patterns and progress in recovery.
The second thing was about what type of drinker you were. My drinking was to make me larger than life, I was out the door, in the bar, wherever there seemed to be some fun going on. Even at the end of my drinking when most people would have nothing to do with me, I still sought out human company.
A chap I met in rehab was the opposite. He was a "closet" drinker. He found it enormously difficult to socialize. When we were discharged, we got him along to one social event, which he did not enjoy, then he withdrew to his house. I went to see him a day later and he wouldn't answer the door. He was drinking, and the last time I saw him was through a window as he slipped from one room to another. That night his house burnt down.
In AA the ability to be alone and at "perfect peace and ease" is seen as a blessing. What you are experienceing may not be a bad thing, it just depends on how it fits with old patterns and progress in recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
Two things came to mind as I read your post. First I enjoyed meetings but never really felt a part of AA until I got well into the steps. Up to that point I felt very alone. I thought I must be the worst person ever to come to AA. As I worked the steps I discovered I was just an ordinary alcoholic, and I began to have the solution in common with the others, and not just the problem. I began to feel I belonged.
The second thing was about what type of drinker you were. My drinking was to make me larger than life, I was out the door, in the bar, wherever there seemed to be some fun going on. Even at the end of my drinking when most people would have nothing to do with me, I still sought out human company.
A chap I met in rehab was the opposite. He was a "closet" drinker. He found it enormously difficult to socialize. When we were discharged, we got him along to one social event, which he did not enjoy, then he withdrew to his house. I went to see him a day later and he wouldn't answer the door. He was drinking, and the last time I saw him was through a window as he slipped from one room to another. That night his house burnt down.
In AA the ability to be alone and at "perfect peace and ease" is seen as a blessing. What you are experienceing may not be a bad thing, it just depends on how it fits with old patterns and progress in recovery.
The second thing was about what type of drinker you were. My drinking was to make me larger than life, I was out the door, in the bar, wherever there seemed to be some fun going on. Even at the end of my drinking when most people would have nothing to do with me, I still sought out human company.
A chap I met in rehab was the opposite. He was a "closet" drinker. He found it enormously difficult to socialize. When we were discharged, we got him along to one social event, which he did not enjoy, then he withdrew to his house. I went to see him a day later and he wouldn't answer the door. He was drinking, and the last time I saw him was through a window as he slipped from one room to another. That night his house burnt down.
In AA the ability to be alone and at "perfect peace and ease" is seen as a blessing. What you are experienceing may not be a bad thing, it just depends on how it fits with old patterns and progress in recovery.
I have isolationist tendencies - at the end I was definitely a lone drinker, at home 99% of the time- and my fiance and my sponsor know my "tells" that I am going towards a bad kind of alone time. As Gottalife also mentions, peace when alone is truly something I have found the majority (that 99% is totally different now!) of the time. And when I get toward emotional or mental distress, I have tools to cope and right myself.
Hope to see you around- and hear that you are growing more comfortable in YOUR own kind of recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Andante
Hi AK, and welcome to SR!
The short answer to your questions is that you're not necessarily "doomed" -- it's perfectly possible to be a happily sober and introverted at the same time. There are many sober introverts right here on SR.
The long answer has to do with the old saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I found it hard to stay sober in the long term without making major adjustments to the way I look at things and the responses to stress that alcoholism had ingrained in me.
I think the key is in learning to know your true self, and how to differentiate between "solitude" and "isolation." If your true, authentic self prefers your own company and is happier when you spend your time with babies, pets, and flowers, then all is good. There's nothing wrong with solitude if an introvert is who you really are.
Isolating yourself from other people, feeling compelled to avoid them due to unhappiness with either them or yourself, is not so good. Your addiction wants you to isolate so it can have you all to itself and work its sinister magic to get you to drink again.
For me, I've come to peace with being a solitary person. Being around other people too much upsets my serenity, even if they're people I like. However, I have to be careful that I'm not avoiding people for the wrong reasons.
Hope this helps. I'm sure others will be along with clearer answers.
The short answer to your questions is that you're not necessarily "doomed" -- it's perfectly possible to be a happily sober and introverted at the same time. There are many sober introverts right here on SR.
The long answer has to do with the old saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I found it hard to stay sober in the long term without making major adjustments to the way I look at things and the responses to stress that alcoholism had ingrained in me.
I think the key is in learning to know your true self, and how to differentiate between "solitude" and "isolation." If your true, authentic self prefers your own company and is happier when you spend your time with babies, pets, and flowers, then all is good. There's nothing wrong with solitude if an introvert is who you really are.
Isolating yourself from other people, feeling compelled to avoid them due to unhappiness with either them or yourself, is not so good. Your addiction wants you to isolate so it can have you all to itself and work its sinister magic to get you to drink again.
For me, I've come to peace with being a solitary person. Being around other people too much upsets my serenity, even if they're people I like. However, I have to be careful that I'm not avoiding people for the wrong reasons.
Hope this helps. I'm sure others will be along with clearer answers.
For the most part I like my co-workers and I like the AA fellowship. However, I have a busy life away from work and AA so I don't socialize as much as when I was younger.
Sometimes people get annoyed when I don't want to hangout after a meeting or work but that's on them. Boundaries. It's all about boundaries.
Isolation? I like the company of others but I like my own as well.
People aren't the same and often have various interests.
Nothing wrong with that.
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