Trying again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1
Trying again
This is my first time posting on SB and I figured it would be a good place to get feedback. I am 44 and i have been drinking since my early teens....beer and wine mainly. The last 10 years my consumption went up...I was drinking from the time I woke up to bedtime. In 2014, i started having health issues.... neuropathy, loss of balance, vision problems etc...finally in 2015 i quit for 2 months, mainly because of family pressure. I was prescribed Librium and detox went well. I relapsed for 6 months. Drank heavy. I then quit for 1 year, this time around it was my decision. I thought I could control or moderate my drinking so why not try again? I managed ok for a little while but started slipping out of control again. Went on for 3 months. I never reached my previous levels of drinking but life was becoming unmanageable, I noticed I had a more difficult time controlling my anger, I was tired all the time....I realized I needed to stop again. I didn't worry too much about withdrawals since I hadn't drunk that much. I am on day 2. I didn't think I would need Xanax but yesterday was a bit harder than expected so I took a few. I am hoping the next few days will be easier. I still cannot accept the idea of never drinking again. A part of me wants to believe that with enough time I will be able to manage my drinking. Acceptance is my hurdle. I want to believe that I am different....withdrawals won't affect me much, I can drink again later....what has your experience been like thru this process?
Maladaptive
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 558
I was sober for about 7 years after a medical diagnosis. Thought I could have it on special occasions. Didn't view myself as addicted then. Just thought it was medical. To be honest to myself, i finally admitted to myself it was medical due to alcohol abuse.
Those special occasions turned out to be over 4 years to the point of pretty much drinking all day everyday.
So now I'm sober again for about 2 months.
I now know that I'm like 99.999999% of alcoholics who can't control it. Th only way is to stop
And for me, my body cannot medically take much more alcohol abuse. I would literally be digging my own grave.
Those special occasions turned out to be over 4 years to the point of pretty much drinking all day everyday.
So now I'm sober again for about 2 months.
I now know that I'm like 99.999999% of alcoholics who can't control it. Th only way is to stop
And for me, my body cannot medically take much more alcohol abuse. I would literally be digging my own grave.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
I have that part of me too. IT can't imagine never drinking again, IT always believes next time will be different , that I just needed to figure out how to manage the drinking. That part of me is a liar and I stopped listening to it.
When I feed that part of me alcohol, I give up all the rest of the parts of me and pretty soon life is all about the booze , tired, hungover , shame, guilt , health problems, family problems black out drinking ect all just to feed that little part that wants the booze and doesn't worry about any of the rest.
Feeding that little liar costs too much of the rest of me in mind , body and soul. IT swore I'd miss the drinking , but I desperately didn't want to a black out drunk living with the consequences of indulging that liar. Turns out that was a lie too, giving up chasing the buzz forever is actually worth not catching glimpses of yourself in the rear view mirror sipping whisky on the way to work just because the few beers on the patio sound like a great idea.
Think of it this way, that part holding out the missing doesn't care about or want the few beers once in awhile, IT wants , demands the am sipping. Stop listening to IT, it lies ,always did , always will.
When I feed that part of me alcohol, I give up all the rest of the parts of me and pretty soon life is all about the booze , tired, hungover , shame, guilt , health problems, family problems black out drinking ect all just to feed that little part that wants the booze and doesn't worry about any of the rest.
Feeding that little liar costs too much of the rest of me in mind , body and soul. IT swore I'd miss the drinking , but I desperately didn't want to a black out drunk living with the consequences of indulging that liar. Turns out that was a lie too, giving up chasing the buzz forever is actually worth not catching glimpses of yourself in the rear view mirror sipping whisky on the way to work just because the few beers on the patio sound like a great idea.
Think of it this way, that part holding out the missing doesn't care about or want the few beers once in awhile, IT wants , demands the am sipping. Stop listening to IT, it lies ,always did , always will.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 53
Hi Wave!
I am 58 and have drank pretty heavy since early teens. Like most others it progressed into a problem, drinking more and more often.
I no longer try to fool myself that I can drink in moderation. I have tried too many times. My wife has one glass of wine most evenings and if I think about drinking some, it is not sipping it like she does, I want to gulp the entire glass as fast as possible.
It's not the drinking that is calling me, it is the getting drink. For most of us, we drink to get drink.
At this point in my life, I'd rather not drink then be a black out drunk again (with increasing health issues like yours).
Be honest with yourself, do you want to drink normally (like 1 or 2) or do you want to get hammered?
If the answer is hammered, the price is very steep.
I am on day 37 with no Booze, man it feels good.
I wish you well my friend!
I am 58 and have drank pretty heavy since early teens. Like most others it progressed into a problem, drinking more and more often.
I no longer try to fool myself that I can drink in moderation. I have tried too many times. My wife has one glass of wine most evenings and if I think about drinking some, it is not sipping it like she does, I want to gulp the entire glass as fast as possible.
It's not the drinking that is calling me, it is the getting drink. For most of us, we drink to get drink.
At this point in my life, I'd rather not drink then be a black out drunk again (with increasing health issues like yours).
Be honest with yourself, do you want to drink normally (like 1 or 2) or do you want to get hammered?
If the answer is hammered, the price is very steep.
I am on day 37 with no Booze, man it feels good.
I wish you well my friend!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by dwtbd 
I have that part of me too. IT can't imagine never drinking again, IT always believes next time will be different , that I just needed to figure out how to manage the drinking. That part of me is a liar and I stopped listening to it.
When I feed that part of me alcohol, I give up all the rest of the parts of me and pretty soon life is all about the booze , tired, hungover , shame, guilt , health problems, family problems black out drinking ect all just to feed that little part that wants the booze and doesn't worry about any of the rest.
Feeding that little liar costs too much of the rest of me in mind , body and soul. IT swore I'd miss the drinking , but I desperately didn't want to a black out drunk living with the consequences of indulging that liar. Turns out that was a lie too, giving up chasing the buzz forever is actually worth not catching glimpses of yourself in the rear view mirror sipping whisky on the way to work just because the few beers on the patio sound like a great idea.
Think of it this way, that part holding out the missing doesn't care about or want the few beers once in awhile, IT wants , demands the am sipping. Stop listening to IT, it lies ,always did , always will.
When I feed that part of me alcohol, I give up all the rest of the parts of me and pretty soon life is all about the booze , tired, hungover , shame, guilt , health problems, family problems black out drinking ect all just to feed that little part that wants the booze and doesn't worry about any of the rest.
Feeding that little liar costs too much of the rest of me in mind , body and soul. IT swore I'd miss the drinking , but I desperately didn't want to a black out drunk living with the consequences of indulging that liar. Turns out that was a lie too, giving up chasing the buzz forever is actually worth not catching glimpses of yourself in the rear view mirror sipping whisky on the way to work just because the few beers on the patio sound like a great idea.
Think of it this way, that part holding out the missing doesn't care about or want the few beers once in awhile, IT wants , demands the am sipping. Stop listening to IT, it lies ,always did , always will.
I really relate to the "IT" that wants these things that are bad for me.
Too bad for the "IT" that I believe I am 100 responsible for me. I make the decisions and it is up to me to maintain control, to separate the "IT" from me and to realize that "IT" is powerless over me.
Thanks so much DWTBD !
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,351
Hi and welcome Wave 
becoming part of this community helped me remember that I really was that bad and that every time I went back to drinking nothing changed.
I confused abstinence with control - they are not the same thing.
I love who I am, and I have a great life now because I am abstinent and alcohol no longer plays a part in my life, not because I've suddenly learned to control my drinking.
Noone wants to be different and noone really wants to change their life too much.
But I did - and I'm glad of it because I have a life now I couldn't have dreamt of as a drinker
I hope you'll stick around
D
becoming part of this community helped me remember that I really was that bad and that every time I went back to drinking nothing changed.
I confused abstinence with control - they are not the same thing.
I love who I am, and I have a great life now because I am abstinent and alcohol no longer plays a part in my life, not because I've suddenly learned to control my drinking.
Noone wants to be different and noone really wants to change their life too much.
But I did - and I'm glad of it because I have a life now I couldn't have dreamt of as a drinker
I hope you'll stick around
D
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I started drinking regularly (daily) around age 17. I started losing things when I was in my late 20's (jobs, relationships, etc) so I decided to quit. After 6.5 years sober I was going through some tough times and decided I could manage my drinking this time. After a yearlong relapse my last drunk included getting drunk at a bar, venturing into the projects of the city I lived in to buy some crack, staying up all night partying with the guy who sold it to me, loaning my car to him to go get some more the next morning, and him never coming back. LOL true story...he got chased by the cops, ditched my car and disappeared.
So I decided to quit again. This time I stayed sober for 7 years, and once again I hit a rough patch in my life and decided I could manage drinking again. This time the relapse lasted 8 years and by the end I was a recluse, drank every waking hour and was seriously contemplating suicide every morning before taking my first drink.
It's been my experience that if you are an alcoholic it doesn't matter how long you have gone since your last drink, one drink will set off a chain of events that will lead you right back to the Four Horsemen (Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair). If you are an alcoholic there is no reset button, but only you can decide if you are one.
So I decided to quit again. This time I stayed sober for 7 years, and once again I hit a rough patch in my life and decided I could manage drinking again. This time the relapse lasted 8 years and by the end I was a recluse, drank every waking hour and was seriously contemplating suicide every morning before taking my first drink.
It's been my experience that if you are an alcoholic it doesn't matter how long you have gone since your last drink, one drink will set off a chain of events that will lead you right back to the Four Horsemen (Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair). If you are an alcoholic there is no reset button, but only you can decide if you are one.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
The next fall for me left the previous one seem like child's play. With chronic drinking- came physical changes in hy brain that made dealing with ANY conceived to be negative thought, feeling or emotion a huge drain. I would get angry, hopeless, frustrated and cry. I had no recourse. No way out.
DRINKING MADE IT ALL 10 TIMES WORSE.
I have to work very hard at dealing with emotional stuff and function normally. Meeting, art, exercise, journaling, more meetings, psychologist, counsellor for addiction, mindful breathing for anxiety, anti depressants for major, chronic clinical depression. Diet, hydrate, rest...blah.
All of these need to be addressed to maintain a tenuous balance.
Your narrative suggests you are self medicating on Xanax, which a very dangerous. See your doctor. Talk to someone- outside support is very necessary, needed and also overlooked. I am too damaged by booze to be the sober self reliant superman I spin out of air.
Keep posting and ny empathy and support to you Wave. DO NOT DRINK...
DRINKING MADE IT ALL 10 TIMES WORSE.
I have to work very hard at dealing with emotional stuff and function normally. Meeting, art, exercise, journaling, more meetings, psychologist, counsellor for addiction, mindful breathing for anxiety, anti depressants for major, chronic clinical depression. Diet, hydrate, rest...blah.
All of these need to be addressed to maintain a tenuous balance.
Your narrative suggests you are self medicating on Xanax, which a very dangerous. See your doctor. Talk to someone- outside support is very necessary, needed and also overlooked. I am too damaged by booze to be the sober self reliant superman I spin out of air.
Keep posting and ny empathy and support to you Wave. DO NOT DRINK...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,850
Welcome to SR, Wave; very glad that you found us.
Really good advice above.
There is an exponentially better way to love. Sobriety opened the door for me to such a life.
Hope you find that to be the case for you.
Really good advice above.
There is an exponentially better way to love. Sobriety opened the door for me to such a life.
Hope you find that to be the case for you.
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