Mizzuno's Recovery From Alcoholism Thread
 

I want to have a place to share my thoughts on my own recovery from alcoholism. I plan to post weekly updates as my time progresses.

I am currently 3 months sober.

What has happened:

I quit drinking right before we purchased a home. 3 bedroom. Beautiful landscaped yard with flowers around the whole property. Good neighborhood.

It would appear that I was doing well from an outsiders perspective. Internally, I was a complete mess of a person. I am married with a stepson. 2 cats. 2 cars. Runner. I work in health and wellness as a Manager. I am 37 years old.

Its a bit contradictory to work with others who want to obtain stellar health and to seek advice from me. I was drinking every single day. A bottle of white wine. Every single day. Not now.

I blacked out on my last drinking adventure. I did not intend to even drink that day, as I was hungover from the day before. 2 bottles of wine by the end of the night and I woke up in a panic, sweating and unable to recollect what happened. The next few days were filled with such severe anxiety and sweating that I was sure I needed medical attention. That event was enough for me to start on a sober road, again. That event and the fact that I was crying on a weekly basis as I felt like I was killing myself with alcohol.

In the last 3 months I have built a routine around staying sober. Routine is a big thing for me. I am a creature of habit and once that habit sticks I have a hard time swaying from it. .....well, with the exception of alcohol creeping into the picture after a spell of sobriety.

Routine:
Wake up to coffee and then hit the gym
Work
Get off work and eat dinner.
Bathe
Log onto SR and post or read
Watch a series of some sort
read a little before bed
Go to bed.

Weekends:
Work around the house as there are many things that need to be upgraded.
Work in the yard.
Food shopping.
Watch a series
Run
Participate on SR.
Go to bed early.

I have resumed daily running and am working on speed currently. Due to an old back injury, I have had many set backs in my running. My approach this time is to stretch for longer than I would like (as I find stretching to be boring and time consuming) and this has kept my back and legs stable enough to give running everything that Ive got.

So far so good as I hit the treadmill or the pavement. I have incorporated other exercises into my running routine so I dont get bored....mainly pushups ... after so many years of running its good to switch it up and I also dont want this injury to flare up. Its quite painful when it does decide to creep in.

I have been able to string together a year of sobriety at one time in the past. In total, I have had 2 years. I want to be able to see the warning signs and to move past them so I can cross that threshold of one year.

It is true that alcoholism progresses. It is true that the only way out is to walk away. Living life without the active alcoholism is my goal. I may be an alcoholic but I do not have to actively participate in it.

I have resentments. I have troubles in my head. I have a lot of "stuff" internally. Life does work itself out if you just let life do its thing and the decisions made are the right ones. The one decision that I can make daily and know that I wont **** anything up is to remain sober.

I just cant fathom living in the mess I was in 3 months ago. When I look back at it, I cringe. My heart aches. My mind cant comprehend what I was thinking? So.......

3 months in and I think I am doing okay. I dont crave. I dont want to drink. If the thought arises it is due to hunger or severe stress. Stress can be controlled. Eating at the proper times can be controlled. The thoughts of drinking leave.

My recovery from myself.....my recovery from thoughts that are detrimental to my well being. Recovery from active alcoholism.

I started reading the Tibetan Book on Living and Dying. A lot of the info hits home for me. It has been helpful as I deal with my head stuff. Losing my sister to cancer over a year ago sent me into a very troubled place about life and death and just about everything. There is a lot that I dont understand and I am quite comfortable with it. I may never understand but I can try to. I can work towards it.

Im not sure what this thread will turn into? If it needs to be removed, I understand. I just want to do something different than what I did previously. I relapsed on two separate occasions. I never had an ongoing thread before. Who knows? This just may be one of the tools that keeps me grounded and stable.

If you would like to comment and share it would be appreciated. What works for you? What is your life filled with? How are you doing? That kind of stuff....... :thanks

When the drinking stops the real work begins..........

I am looking forward to following your thread, Mizzuno !

I am 58 yrs and happily, proudly, humbly sober (for the 2nd time), now and for good, for 2 1/2 years. I love your last line - When the drinking stops the real work begins..........

I have found a wealth of knowledge and insight into myself from SR. I read here daily and try to post, as well. I found out, as I was reading threads and thinking about the responses, how much was applicable to my own struggles. I feel so grateful to have found SR and to be a part of this amazing community.

I am a fan of more sedentary interests, I love to read, write, scrapbook and I have more TV shows on my "must watch" list than I care to admit!

Anyway, that is a bit about me. As I said, I am looking forward to your updates :)

As well, I want to add how sorry I am for the loss of your sister. :grouphug:

Bravo! Three months is awesome and you're clearly on the right path. And to record your progress is a help to everyone.

Look forward to reading another amazing post on SR. Congrats on the 90 days , thats awesome!!

Post daily it helps , read more post than anything , Ive learned its a blessing to read other peoples stories about recovery. Good or bad it needs to be read.......

As a group we are here to help, lend a hand , and outright support each other at one time or another , everyone took that scary first step of sobriety at one time or another.

Again congrats on your transformation!

Keep up the workouts too, nothing like sweating out the crap we've ingested for so long!

Thank You, 2ndHandRose.
You have a good amount of sober time and your words will be helpful for everyone on this forum. I am glad that you found SR as well. This community is a giant positive in my life and countless other people.

The struggle has been the same for all of us no matter what we do or where we are coming from. The only solution is to put down the alcohol and to find a better way.

I am a fan of TV shows as well. I am currently watching Flaked. I had no idea what the subject matter was when I started watching. Have you seen this show? If not, give it a few moments of your time. It is on Netflix.

I am a huge fan of Will Arnett! I have seen him in interviews talking about the show Flaked and I would love to see it but I don't have Netflix, yes, I am the only person in the world who does not have Netflix :lmao

Somehow, someway, I will see this show! Ha!
:grouphug:

Hey Mizz

In my early days of staying sober and posting on SR I used to follow your posts. They were super helpful and I am grateful to you !

Anyway, my recovery story so far...

Sobriety has been a real journey of self-discovery. I dont mean that in the cliched, wonder filled ads/blogs that one commonly reads. Over the years I've experienced quite a wide gamut of emotions from utter serenity to utter despair. It is not an easy path. At times, I was confronted with a lot of truths about myself which was unpleasant. As well, I had to overcome my conviction that I was worthless and a loser. Otherwise, I simply could not move forward. A lot of counselling involved here ;) It is still a work in progress ! However, I think I have improved a lot. That comes from a recovery plan which I adhere to very closely.

Nowadays, I am comfortable with who I am. I am not perfect and never will be. There are areas of my character which I would like to improve. I am constantly changing. But in the broad scope, I believe I am heading in the right direction.

Spirituality (buddhism), meditation and exercise are my core foundations. At present, I dont believe I could stay sober without these three pillars in my life.

I hope this helps a little.

I can yap on about running as well ! I am worried about becoming obsessive about it and am actually trying to reduce. But its difficult. *sigh* addiction in another form.

Action, massive amounts of action! Well done man!

Kaneda,
Thank you for the kind words. Its good to hear that my past sober self was helpful. Warms my heart. I remember you. It is so good to read of what you have been going through and that you are sober.

Yes, I can imagine going through the gamut of emotions and changes. Giving ourselves the time to heal and learn about all the things that make us "tick". I experienced this myself last night. Fear. Fear that the alcohol will return into my life and I wont have the courage or enough of a guard to walk away. Fear that I will constantly battle with alcoholism, think about alcoholism, talk about alcoholism, recovering from alcoholism and never truly recover from my own alcoholism.......the despair in all of that.

Im a little run down this morning from the release of my emotions last night. Thankfully my "structured" nightly events soothed me. Taking a bath with essential oils and breathing was a godsend. I thought to myself "This is why you have this structure. It is moments like this that the structure of a bath will be comforting and healing" ..........I can smile right now knowing that I have set myself up to succeed. :)

Pillars in life. Yes. This word. The actions that are taken to hold yourself up. The foundation. I get that. I resonate with that. I get to find out what will be my pillars and I have a thought they will be very similar to yours.

Pillar #1 Exercise
Pillar #2 Belief system
Pillar #3 Prayer ( its not to any god or gods but to be grateful everyday. I practice gratitude as much as possible. To appreciate what I have and to walk knowing that I have enough. Everything I need is here)

I have a very large Buddha statue that sits in my yard. Ho Tai. Prosperity Buddha. Not Buddha at all but a monk. ( I need to learn more about this statue) He was gifted to me when my sister passed. He lived in the backyard of the house where she lived. During her illness, I would go outside, the yard in complete wreckage, and sit with him. Talk to him and be thankful that I had those few moments to breathe in and out. Taking in the stillness.

When we cleaned out the house, after her passing, the U-haul did not have a ramp to roll him up. The scene: Two people in the pouring rain trying to push a couple hundred pounds of concrete up the back of a truck. The Buddha smiling at me the whole time. I was crying and laughing and angry. Complete grief. This effing statue was going in that truck no matter what. It took awhile. One person laying down and pulling. The other person (me) pushing and cussing and pretending to be Rambo. It is a memory that I will never forget.


Yes, running can be an addiction and I suffer from my own OCD when it comes to running. This time around, as I am not injured, I am making sure to take care of myself in a gentle way. Not pushing myself too far. Not expecting a certain amount of mileage each week. In the past I went overboard. Obsessive. I watch the thoughts roll in and out about mileage. About how much and how fast and and and.......

Im learning here. I am growing here. That is the point. My time here is precious and I want to look back on it all and know that I did the work.
And that work will change as I embark down this road of sobriety. I have a lot of healing to do. Trauma. Thoughts that dont serve a purpose but to only keep me in a place of turmoil. A Lot OF Work!

Thank you for all your words. I may have gotten off topic but that may be what this thread is for.

Great lost, Kaneda and Mizz.

Great thread.

Love your Buddha story, Mizz.

Love your determination.

You are doing beautifully. Power on, girl :)

Mizzuno - I'm just looking in to thank you for your posts here and elsewhere: much of what you write resonates with me and expresses my own observations and discoveries.
:tyou :hug:

Mizz

Your struggle with the Buddha shows you have what it takes. To have no regrets and do the work that is needed.

Saturday Morning.

A person that I work with in my line of work reached out to me to let me know of a job opportunity. She has spoken to me about this opportunity on a few occasions. It would be a lot more money than what I am making now. Its a chance to put my skills to good use and to expand. There is a lot of potential there.

So, I sent out the email.

Ive become so comfortable with putting myself in a box. The person who told me of this position, and the need of someone like me, really gave me motivation. I want to grow and I also want that growth to have monetary compensation. I know I am worthy of more.

I do think that I am underpaid in my current position. It takes a lot of training and a lot of time devoted to learning the business, the product, building the relationships internally and externally. My current position has a lot of back and forth, this and that, nothing sticks, schedules change, training is minimal, too many chiefs and not enough getting accomplished. Chain of command is hard to work with and ideas are buried as soon as they appear. Day in and day out of not really knowing where things are going and it all can be rather confusing. Adding to all of that is the fact that the chain of command has turned their heads and almost refuses to learn anything about the job that they are paying me to do. They dont want to learn how to operate and work in my position but they surely have had a lot to say about what they perceive is not working or what is wrong. It doesnt make sense.

The motto would be: You are not doing it right and we dont know specifically how you are doing it wrong but we will leave it up to you to figure out how to get it right. We wont guide you. We wont show you what we want. We only know its not up to par and it is your job to fix the problems that we cant identify. .......(run on sentence)

I am grateful for what i have and grateful to be in a unique line of work. I guess I just would like to show a company all of my capabilities, and for that company to know that they have a seasoned well educated ( in my line of work) hard working dedicated employee.

Do I sound ungrateful? Maybe. I need to work on this.


It doesnt hurt to dream big and to know my own worth.

The point of all this is: Settling. I dont want to settle for something small. I want to reach big and bring the big into my consciousness and life.

The power of manifestation.

The email sent out could turn into nothing. That doesnt stop me though. I was given confirmation yesterday that I am capable of so much more.

That in itself is quite beautiful. I believe her.

Hey Mizz

Heh, I read about your situation with work. Sadly, it is a common occurrence. In fact the book I am reading, 'Scaling Excellence', has a name for it: a clusterfug. Which is the authors being polite :) Essentially its when senior management command staff to undertake work for which the objectives are vague and what is required to be done is not outlined in sufficient detail. The reason being that senior management have no idea of the work required and are unsure themselves of what are the outcomes to be delivered. Consequently, staff (who are usually hesitant to question too much for fear of being seen as incompetent) spend a large amount of time second guessing and trying to achieve the stated objectives. After a while, senior management get impatient with the 'delays', poke their noses and then get upset at the work achieved. Hence, a clusterfug ! Unfortunately I have experienced this many times. Usually the fuss dies down and management focuses on something else. However, it is so frustrating as staff because of the finger pointing and lack of appreciation for the efforts made !

I lost my job shortly after getting sober. I did not miss the irony of that. Then spent a long time trying to figure out what to do next. Concurrently, I also focused on my recovery plan. After some stops and starts, I figured I wanted to be am employee again. My current gig is as an employee. I am grateful but it didnt come by luck. I had to work hard on reinventing myself to land that gig. However, its not fulfilling as it doesnt properly utilise my core skills and experience which I have now discovered is what I enjoy doing most. I have just landed a new job which, hopefully, does solely focus on my core skill set. I will find out when I start at the end of July. Gulp !

I figure its not about being ungrateful. Its about being able to contribute the most value add to an organization. For me, that is using my core abilities and work which I enjoy. By doing that, I provide the most benefit to an organization. I dont believe that is being selfish. My current employer will find a replacement who, I have no doubt, will do a better job than me because the replacement will have their heart in the right place. Hopefully, my new organization also gains.

Thanks for the post. I've been thinking along those lines a lot for the past few months !

Hope you are well.

Life has been going good. I am sober.

I have not heard anything back from the email I sent about a different job. Honestly, I am not really looking for another job per say. Change is not something that I adapt to very well. However, it doesn't hurt to reach out and to see if something can come of it. Either way, I am still moving along and putting in effort. Even with the back and forth of Management and the rules that apply one day but dont apply the next, I can let this wash over me. People are complicated management or not. I am an awesome employee with a lot to offer.

On to the more important things:
My running routine and other work outs have proven to be successful. I am getting stronger and able to sustain my little routine everyday. Lately I have been running a half mile as fast as I can (4:20 on most days) then I switch to pushups (10 to 12). I then hit the half mile again. I repeat this little cycle as many times as possible in the hour that I am at the gym. In the cool down faze I am practicing hand stands and long stretches (yoga).... Im not good at the hand stands yet.....operative word is, yet!

As long as I am sweating and gaining strength, I feel accomplished for the day. Anything that comes after that (family drama, work drama or other dramas) can be handled with calm energy. I have learned that profuse sweating makes for a very calm Mizzuno. I have always known this about myself but when I was drinking **** tons of alcohol on the daily I couldnt function at optimum levels and I had a lot of anxiety. Alcohol produces anxiety. Alcohol, for me, produces little to no productivity. It was a horrible cycle that I am so GRATEFUL to be out of.

Thoughts of drinking only come when I am not fueled properly. I was so caught up in work yesterday, that when I got off work my brain fancied the idea of drinking. I knew that I had not eaten much during the day. I knew that I was tired from 8 hours of running all around at work and my exercise from the morning. When I got home, I had a pesto turkey sandwich on a croissant and hopped into the bath. Soon enough the thoughts of alcohol had left and I was stable again.

I am doing all the right things to maintain my sobriety. The one thing that I have to pay attention to and it has become a priority is my nutrition. No one likes to be hangry. This can happen to me......

Kaneda,
Clusterfug is exactly what we are dealing with. There has been a lot of change in the work environment lately that has become positive for me. One of the higher levels of management has left and I am very thrilled to be able to work without her demands any longer. I wont get into specifics but I was telling HR yesterday that I think I needed therapy from her abuse. I feel traumatized by this individual who selectively harassed me and my work for years on end. I am not making this up or blowing this out of proportion. Her actions were literally abusive, and at every corner there was a problem with what I was doing. I was not the only one she focused on but her focus was directed at women and those women were going to be taken down by her. People would leave our company due to her behaviors. Fortunately, I stuck it out and now I can BREATHE. I am breathing in my work and not holding my breath waiting for a meeting or to be berated. It is awesome.

All of the other stuff at work can be dealt with. This is life. People are tricky and learning how to navigate the trickiness is what I am doing. As long as it is not taking away my health, I am fine. More than fine.

Thats the Mizzuno update!

Kaneda,
Forgive my manners and self absorbtion!

Congrats on the new job!!! I hear a bit of nervousness there but if it is something you are passionate about and utilizes your core skills, I have no doubt you will surpass all expectations. This is great news to hear today.

I like how you have a healthy perspective with both companies and you are able to see your capabilities and from my perspective "Be the best that you can be" ......

And, it is about being able to contribute the most value to a company. It is about peoples strengths and utilizing those strengths while allowing a person to grow in their weaknesses. I need to think about this more.

Onward and Upward. I hope you are well too!

And......
I got the email response about the position. Meeting in a few weeks to discuss my qualifications and their needs.

Sounds interesting. Im not sure what the position is yet? Im going to do my best to stay in the moment and not speculate.

Ill just go and see what they have to say. Meeting new people and brushing up on my interviewing skills is always a positive. It doesnt hurt to put your best foot forward and to see if a door opens. It could turn into nothing. It could turn into something. Who knows?

Sound like you are taking a lot of steps with the "best food" mizz. Think of all the things you are doing today that you wouldn't have done not long ago, quite an amazing transformation I think!

Mizz, I have worked under varying degrees of abusive personalities over the years. I had one job that I stayed at for over 6 years (it had some definite upsides, the hours and the $$$ :lmao) but the owner of the company was an absolute tyrant. No one ever got fired because he would brow beat them into quitting (and was quite proud of his record!). He and I got along quite well, when we did, but when we didn't it was horrendous. I used to liken it to an abusive marriage, with the honey moon phase alternating with the verbal abuse.

Crazy, when I think about it now! My current job is probably the best job I have ever had and I am so grateful to be here and to have such "normal" employers :).

They treat me ridiculously well :scoregood

I hope for whichever way works out for you is your best move. There is a lot to be said for having options! And, I am glad you know your worth :grouphug: