SoberLeigh

Hi, Mizz.

How was your weekend with your friend?

Thinking of you.

Dropsie

Hey lady,

Waas up?

XX

Obladi

Hi Mizzuno,

Just wanted to stop by to say you're amazing and I think the chant "It's ok, I'm gonna be ok," is perfect. And I've borrowed it more than once - thank you.

O

Obladi

Hope you check in soon, Mizz.

Mizzuno

I allowed myself to relapse. I could not take the feelings any longer or the way that life was going. I knew that drinking would be the worst thing for me yet I reached for the wine and it was only a few times of drinking that lead me back in to paranoia, severe regret and disabling anxiety. I am ashamed.

It doesn't matter all that I say or how I am adamant about not drinking. It doesn't matter. I reached for the one thing that would tear me down even farther. Here I am now.

I'm back to sobriety and back to living my life sober. What the hell is wrong with me?

I guess I can say that it was everything that was happening but that should never be a reason to pick up alcohol. I saw it coming. I felt it coming. I just didn't stop myself. I really am ashamed. I am embarrassed. I am all that **** that I don't want to feel.

There is a moment of black out in the last drinking episode. What happened? I don't know. I cant speculate. I just have to move forward. I was at home. My SO came over to see if I was okay. Its just not who I am.

Alcoholism is one of the worst things I have dealt with and continue to deal with. I am scared that I wont make it our alive despite my best efforts.

2ndhandrose

Welcome back, Mizz

"Alcoholism is one of the worst things I have dealt with and continue to deal with. I am scared that I wont make it our alive despite my best efforts."

I can relate to what you said, 'cause I used to feel the same way. I never thought I would ever see a day that I would actually be thankful for my alcoholism.

I know you have been working really hard and you have had enormous challenges, honestly I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything is going to be okay

Take what you can learn from this, forgive yourself and today is a new day.

You are back, so onward we go, right?

Obladi

Welcome back, my friend.

Mizzuno

Yes, onward we go.

I don't feel it necessary to start with a time log or thinking that if I make it to this day or year then everything is okay. The pressure of counting and thinking of time sober is too much.

Yes, I have been working really hard and It seemed like life was handing me a little more than I could handle. Not an excuse to drink. There really is never a good reason to drink. The TRUTH is that I was not taking the necessary steps to maintain sobriety. I was giving up on everything. Not any longer.

I just need to get past this paranoia and anxiety and get my world back in order. At least this relapse only took me a week and not years to come back to sobriety. There is a positive in that.

DarklingSong

So glad you are back. I hope you won't beat yourself up anymore.....it just feeds the anxiety and paranoia and will do no good. Its a horrible feeling pulling yourself out of an episode of drinking, but it passes quick enough if you can let the shame go. Easier said than done I know......
Just try some self compassion though, you have had a horrible time of it.
Best wishes.
DS

Dee74

Hi Miz - welcoem back/ I don;t think there's anythign wroing ioth you thats not wrong with all of us - but you need alternatives to turn to in those dark moments.

If you don't have a plan with at least several other alternatives you can go to instead of drinking, then I think you need one?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

D
D

DayTrader

I wonder if you did allow it.....or was it inevitable? In my case, I used to believe I chose it, I allowed it, I caused it but I see it differently now. What I'd done was stop drinking and presumed that to be the solution to alcoholism. I found out "not drinking" solves a drinking problem but not alcoholism.

Just know that if you're an alcoholic, there IS absolutely a solution. All my best to you in your quest to find it. Should you find the willingness to try the 12 Steps of AA, there's a lot of cool ppl with a lot of experience to help ya out.

fini

good to see you again, Mizz.

Mizzuno

I thought I had a plan? Or plans? I thought a lot. Im back to being sober though and I do need to ensure that I hold on to this. I have too much at stake.

I will review the links and see what can apply.

Thank You, Dee.

Dropsie

You had a lot thrown at you at once.

It was too much.

You made the mistake of going back to your bad boyfriend -- we have ALL done that.

But for me, the important thing was to do what you are doing, take the learning and move forward. Abstinence is not control has been proven once again, but some of us need to learn it the hard way (for me anyway).

But my strong advice would be not to overthink it.

Go back to what you were doing, look at what Dee sent to see what you might add, accept emotionally that you can never drink again no matter what, and get back on the horse, just as you are doing.

If you are looking for cool things to add to your tool kit, I loved the Hip Sobriety course and Annie Grace's 30 day free thing.

The main thing is not to beat yourself up, know that you now have lost a week, not the battle and certainly not the war.

I never counted, don't even know when I stopped, but keep looking ahead counting all that sober time and the learnings that came with it.

You are the best. Talk to your SOB, he loves you.

Mizzuno

Dropsie.
That makes sense. All is not lost here. The day counting, year counting and just the tallying can really do something to my mind. The counting is almost a set up for failure in my opinion. I have not done well with it and I dont want to continue counting on something that drives me nuts.

A lot was thrown my way that I am still wading through. I really cannot believe all that has happened in such a short period of time. I mean..... holy ****!

I was approved for unemployment so I have a little bit of freedom to search for work. I am actively working towards creating my own job/ business due to the fact that I never want to be fired again. This firing really took the wind out of my sails. Also, there are not many jobs around here and I need to keep myself busy while I actively look for employment.

Ive been working on building a Website and working towards promoting myself. I want to stay in the Industry that I have grown to love and live as a lifestyle. I dont know if that makes sense? Not giving up too much info there.

Ill just keep moving in the direction I was moving. It did seem to be working until all that **** took place and I set my mind to the idea that I was going to drink. It was a thought that took a hold of me for well over two weeks, and then I jumped in to the few bottles of wine. One too many but its better than losing myself completely.

The anxiety is still here..... I think I need a few more days to get back to feeling normal.

Dropsie

You will get there, I know you will.

I am so glad you are not falling for the I ate the ice cream I might as well finish the entire truck.

I know it sounds corny, but I often find a silver lining in my darkest clouds, but often it takes years to discover them.

I do think that if I were not addicted to alcohol I would have not done the self discovery I have, which although painful has been good for me, as I think this road has been good for you in many ways.

Painful as h$ll, s$cks, oh yeah, but I am a better person than if I had just kept chugging along as I would have. Or so I hope.

XX

Mizzuno

I am also glad that I am not eating the whole ice cream truck. It really only took one time of the " I cant remember what happened" drinking to lead me right back to sobriety. I appreciate your support and understanding with this mess.

Of course you understand and of course you have been there. Yes, I am learning a lot and I suppose this has been good for me. The sobriety was very good for me. I can resume the non drinking life and know that I only lost a week.

Lessons are learned the hard way. I thought I learned this one.

When did it actually click for you, Dropsie?

Dee74

I try to refer to them as action plans now cos it's two part - plan and then putting plan into action

I am really glad you're back Miz

D

fini

Mizz, this here Ill just keep moving in the direction I was moving. It did seem to be working until all that **** took place and...caught my attention.
it makes sense that you see that working until.....but the thing is, there will always be a point that is a new " until " if the direction/plan/program/way includes the option of working until...
what that says is that whatever the direction, whatever it is you were doing to get to before you took that first drink also included taking you to the first drink again.
not trying to minimize all the things thrown at you recently, just wanting to say that doing the same as before seems likely to have that same gap in it somewhere.
make sense?

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, Mizz.

I am very sorry to hear that you relapsed but am so very, very relieved that you are back with us.

Moving forward in sobriety is the only way for us.

Sending you lots of love, Mizz.