Mizzuno's Recovery From Alcoholism Thread
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by Mizzuno 
Update:
I got sick after my last post. A cold. Spent the weekend in bed sleeping and resting. I really think this could have been the "funk" I was experiencing. That and everything else really just put me in a place that was unhealthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally unhealthy.
I didn't do anything to myself that would create more damage. I slept, ate and watched Netflix. I didn't think much. I just recovered.
Only now at 8:30 pm am I feeling like I I've resurfaced to my former state. I'm still slightly sick. This cold is going around.
I've been thinking about throwing in the towel on my sobriety. What the hell is that about?
Its not safe.
Its not logical.
It is frightening.
I knew with this day would come. Not that I wanted the day to appear but that I see the pattern in my drinking and we are at that point in my pattern where everything can go south. Why? Because the road gets longer and the effort becomes more. I start to question. I get overwhelmed. I feel different. I don't make peace with my emotions. I don't speak of this......
Tonight I spoke of it.
Tonight I didn't drink.
Tonight I made it to my bed sober.
I'm not addicted to chaos but I am starting to wonder if that "truth" is the actual truth?
I'm sober.
I don't want to stop participating in this recovery thread for one reason.... If I do stop.....I have relapsed. So....I have to log something here every few days. Sometimes more if needed.
I got sick after my last post. A cold. Spent the weekend in bed sleeping and resting. I really think this could have been the "funk" I was experiencing. That and everything else really just put me in a place that was unhealthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally unhealthy.
I didn't do anything to myself that would create more damage. I slept, ate and watched Netflix. I didn't think much. I just recovered.
Only now at 8:30 pm am I feeling like I I've resurfaced to my former state. I'm still slightly sick. This cold is going around.
I've been thinking about throwing in the towel on my sobriety. What the hell is that about?
Its not safe.
Its not logical.
It is frightening.
I knew with this day would come. Not that I wanted the day to appear but that I see the pattern in my drinking and we are at that point in my pattern where everything can go south. Why? Because the road gets longer and the effort becomes more. I start to question. I get overwhelmed. I feel different. I don't make peace with my emotions. I don't speak of this......
Tonight I spoke of it.
Tonight I didn't drink.
Tonight I made it to my bed sober.
I'm not addicted to chaos but I am starting to wonder if that "truth" is the actual truth?
I'm sober.
I don't want to stop participating in this recovery thread for one reason.... If I do stop.....I have relapsed. So....I have to log something here every few days. Sometimes more if needed.
Keep talking to us; your brain will always circle back to sobriety.
Do you have face to face sobriety support, too?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
Update:
I got sick after my last post. A cold. Spent the weekend in bed sleeping and resting. I really think this could have been the "funk" I was experiencing. That and everything else really just put me in a place that was unhealthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally unhealthy.
I didn't do anything to myself that would create more damage. I slept, ate and watched Netflix. I didn't think much. I just recovered.
Only now at 8:30 pm am I feeling like I I've resurfaced to my former state. I'm still slightly sick. This cold is going around.
I've been thinking about throwing in the towel on my sobriety. What the hell is that about?
Its not safe.
Its not logical.
It is frightening.
I knew with this day would come. Not that I wanted the day to appear but that I see the pattern in my drinking and we are at that point in my pattern where everything can go south. Why? Because the road gets longer and the effort becomes more. I start to question. I get overwhelmed. I feel different. I don't make peace with my emotions. I don't speak of this......
Tonight I spoke of it.
Tonight I didn't drink.
Tonight I made it to my bed sober.
I'm not addicted to chaos but I am starting to wonder if that "truth" is the actual truth?
I'm sober.
I don't want to stop participating in this recovery thread for one reason.... If I do stop.....I have relapsed. So....I have to log something here every few days. Sometimes more if needed.
I got sick after my last post. A cold. Spent the weekend in bed sleeping and resting. I really think this could have been the "funk" I was experiencing. That and everything else really just put me in a place that was unhealthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally unhealthy.
I didn't do anything to myself that would create more damage. I slept, ate and watched Netflix. I didn't think much. I just recovered.
Only now at 8:30 pm am I feeling like I I've resurfaced to my former state. I'm still slightly sick. This cold is going around.
I've been thinking about throwing in the towel on my sobriety. What the hell is that about?
Its not safe.
Its not logical.
It is frightening.
I knew with this day would come. Not that I wanted the day to appear but that I see the pattern in my drinking and we are at that point in my pattern where everything can go south. Why? Because the road gets longer and the effort becomes more. I start to question. I get overwhelmed. I feel different. I don't make peace with my emotions. I don't speak of this......
Tonight I spoke of it.
Tonight I didn't drink.
Tonight I made it to my bed sober.
I'm not addicted to chaos but I am starting to wonder if that "truth" is the actual truth?
I'm sober.
I don't want to stop participating in this recovery thread for one reason.... If I do stop.....I have relapsed. So....I have to log something here every few days. Sometimes more if needed.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey Mizz,
I know the holidays are stressful enough. Throw in the fact that you work in retail and that this is a high pressure time of year, add to that your relationship with your husband and I think you have a recipe for Funk.
My only advice is to
1. NOT drink
2. Get a lot of rest
3. Take it easy on yourself; don't try to do too much outside of work
4. NOT drink
You know where I've been - you sure don't want to go there. If you want me to visualize it for you, I can... but I'm sure you're quite capable of that.
Mizz, it's strong to come here and write about what's jhnnnnnnnnnnnnnuhyujjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj (my cat decided to type) going on with you. Keep venting. Look too for the opportunities to sooth yourself. I don't know how much you utilize meditation and mindfulness - do you? - It can be very helpful to switch focus.
I hope you don't mind advice from your sodden friend. I do know a lot of stuff even if I'm slow at implementing it for myself.
Hang in there - it's not long now until the end of the year when people start easing off a bit... at that time, maybe you should look at options.
Love
O
I know the holidays are stressful enough. Throw in the fact that you work in retail and that this is a high pressure time of year, add to that your relationship with your husband and I think you have a recipe for Funk.
My only advice is to
1. NOT drink
2. Get a lot of rest
3. Take it easy on yourself; don't try to do too much outside of work
4. NOT drink
You know where I've been - you sure don't want to go there. If you want me to visualize it for you, I can... but I'm sure you're quite capable of that.
Mizz, it's strong to come here and write about what's jhnnnnnnnnnnnnnuhyujjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj (my cat decided to type) going on with you. Keep venting. Look too for the opportunities to sooth yourself. I don't know how much you utilize meditation and mindfulness - do you? - It can be very helpful to switch focus.
I hope you don't mind advice from your sodden friend. I do know a lot of stuff even if I'm slow at implementing it for myself.
Hang in there - it's not long now until the end of the year when people start easing off a bit... at that time, maybe you should look at options.
Love
O
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Mizz,
Don't always post much, but I am a huge fan.
I was so sad to hear about your childhood. My parents were great, but my father was bi-polar and my mother cold, which left its scars, so I can only imagine.
I was just saying over on O's place, apologies to those who read it there, but I love Peter Michaelson's book "why we suffer". If you have not read it, I highly recommend it.
IMO he nails it. It is not specifically geared at addiction, although he has written expressly about addiction, but his general work also speaks to everything addicts do (and other forms of self sabotage) in a way that speaks to me totally.
His bottom line is that for some reason at a young age we attached to the negative emotion felt when we do something wrong, whether it be pain, shame, guilt. And we then go through life unconsciously creating situations that recreate the negative emotion.
So for people who had a really rough early childhood, these issues are so much greater.
Crazy, but for me totally true. And now that I see it, I can address it straight on. For 20 years, the drinking and my totally mean controlling ExH made it easy to feel bad, even when I excelled in other areas. But then I would self sabotage in those areas too.
Now I do not drink, have a great boyfriend, and am getting along better with my girls, so now I self sabotage in many other ways because, IMO, I must find a way to feel that shame.
It will only be when I detach from that shame that I am really healed. But for now, I will take the nice guy, sober life, and keep working on the rest.
Please stay with us. We are all rooting for you.
You will figure out what is best with your husband and you will work out the work challenges, because you are a strong and great sober woman.
You got this!
Don't always post much, but I am a huge fan.
I was so sad to hear about your childhood. My parents were great, but my father was bi-polar and my mother cold, which left its scars, so I can only imagine.
I was just saying over on O's place, apologies to those who read it there, but I love Peter Michaelson's book "why we suffer". If you have not read it, I highly recommend it.
IMO he nails it. It is not specifically geared at addiction, although he has written expressly about addiction, but his general work also speaks to everything addicts do (and other forms of self sabotage) in a way that speaks to me totally.
His bottom line is that for some reason at a young age we attached to the negative emotion felt when we do something wrong, whether it be pain, shame, guilt. And we then go through life unconsciously creating situations that recreate the negative emotion.
So for people who had a really rough early childhood, these issues are so much greater.
Crazy, but for me totally true. And now that I see it, I can address it straight on. For 20 years, the drinking and my totally mean controlling ExH made it easy to feel bad, even when I excelled in other areas. But then I would self sabotage in those areas too.
Now I do not drink, have a great boyfriend, and am getting along better with my girls, so now I self sabotage in many other ways because, IMO, I must find a way to feel that shame.
It will only be when I detach from that shame that I am really healed. But for now, I will take the nice guy, sober life, and keep working on the rest.
Please stay with us. We are all rooting for you.
You will figure out what is best with your husband and you will work out the work challenges, because you are a strong and great sober woman.
You got this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Thanks, Soberleigh, Dropise and O.
I am resurfacing to a healthy state of being.
When the rough times hit, If I just persevere through I will be able to make it on to the other side.
I do not know myself through these hard times sober. I am learning and researching ways to make it through and steps to take in order to resurface out of the "funk".
Given my history, which I have only shared a small window of, it is quite astonishing that I do not have mental health issues or am medicated. I am serious. Maybe I do have some mental health issues that I am unaware of. I mean, I have situational depression and I might be addicted to chaos.
At one point in time, about a decade ago, I was diagnosed with GAD, PTSD and depression. I may have outgrown some of that diagnosis? I dont know.
What I do know is that I made it out of that funk ....for the moment. I am sober. I am healthy. I am letting life sort itself out because, quite frankly, I dont really have any control.
Getting sick was not helpful. That meant I spent 3 days being inactive and laying around. Running and physical activity keep my "happy" state at levels that are good for me. It is my therapy.
Also, SO and I start couples therapy this Friday. All is not lost in the world. My life has meaning at this moment.
No. I do not meditate. Why? I dont know. I say I will. I make the statement that it is something I will try. I just do not ever get down to it. I have some sort of aversion to it.....subconsciously.
I just got to this place where I thought "why the **** am I trying so ******* hard? Isnt life hard enough?"
So.....onward and upward. Slay the day.....and all that jazz.
I am resurfacing to a healthy state of being.
When the rough times hit, If I just persevere through I will be able to make it on to the other side.
I do not know myself through these hard times sober. I am learning and researching ways to make it through and steps to take in order to resurface out of the "funk".
Given my history, which I have only shared a small window of, it is quite astonishing that I do not have mental health issues or am medicated. I am serious. Maybe I do have some mental health issues that I am unaware of. I mean, I have situational depression and I might be addicted to chaos.
At one point in time, about a decade ago, I was diagnosed with GAD, PTSD and depression. I may have outgrown some of that diagnosis? I dont know.
What I do know is that I made it out of that funk ....for the moment. I am sober. I am healthy. I am letting life sort itself out because, quite frankly, I dont really have any control.
Getting sick was not helpful. That meant I spent 3 days being inactive and laying around. Running and physical activity keep my "happy" state at levels that are good for me. It is my therapy.
Also, SO and I start couples therapy this Friday. All is not lost in the world. My life has meaning at this moment.
No. I do not meditate. Why? I dont know. I say I will. I make the statement that it is something I will try. I just do not ever get down to it. I have some sort of aversion to it.....subconsciously.
I just got to this place where I thought "why the **** am I trying so ******* hard? Isnt life hard enough?"
So.....onward and upward. Slay the day.....and all that jazz.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Mizz,
Don't always post much, but I am a huge fan.
I was so sad to hear about your childhood. My parents were great, but my father was bi-polar and my mother cold, which left its scars, so I can only imagine.
I was just saying over on O's place, apologies to those who read it there, but I love Peter Michaelson's book "why we suffer". If you have not read it, I highly recommend it.
IMO he nails it. It is not specifically geared at addiction, although he has written expressly about addiction, but his general work also speaks to everything addicts do (and other forms of self sabotage) in a way that speaks to me totally.
His bottom line is that for some reason at a young age we attached to the negative emotion felt when we do something wrong, whether it be pain, shame, guilt. And we then go through life unconsciously creating situations that recreate the negative emotion.
So for people who had a really rough early childhood, these issues are so much greater.
Crazy, but for me totally true. And now that I see it, I can address it straight on. For 20 years, the drinking and my totally mean controlling ExH made it easy to feel bad, even when I excelled in other areas. But then I would self sabotage in those areas too.
Now I do not drink, have a great boyfriend, and am getting along better with my girls, so now I self sabotage in many other ways because, IMO, I must find a way to feel that shame.
It will only be when I detach from that shame that I am really healed. But for now, I will take the nice guy, sober life, and keep working on the rest.
Please stay with us. We are all rooting for you.
You will figure out what is best with your husband and you will work out the work challenges, because you are a strong and great sober woman.
You got this!
Don't always post much, but I am a huge fan.
I was so sad to hear about your childhood. My parents were great, but my father was bi-polar and my mother cold, which left its scars, so I can only imagine.
I was just saying over on O's place, apologies to those who read it there, but I love Peter Michaelson's book "why we suffer". If you have not read it, I highly recommend it.
IMO he nails it. It is not specifically geared at addiction, although he has written expressly about addiction, but his general work also speaks to everything addicts do (and other forms of self sabotage) in a way that speaks to me totally.
His bottom line is that for some reason at a young age we attached to the negative emotion felt when we do something wrong, whether it be pain, shame, guilt. And we then go through life unconsciously creating situations that recreate the negative emotion.
So for people who had a really rough early childhood, these issues are so much greater.
Crazy, but for me totally true. And now that I see it, I can address it straight on. For 20 years, the drinking and my totally mean controlling ExH made it easy to feel bad, even when I excelled in other areas. But then I would self sabotage in those areas too.
Now I do not drink, have a great boyfriend, and am getting along better with my girls, so now I self sabotage in many other ways because, IMO, I must find a way to feel that shame.
It will only be when I detach from that shame that I am really healed. But for now, I will take the nice guy, sober life, and keep working on the rest.
Please stay with us. We are all rooting for you.
You will figure out what is best with your husband and you will work out the work challenges, because you are a strong and great sober woman.
You got this!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
"His bottom line is that for some reason at a young age we attached to the negative emotion felt when we do something wrong, whether it be pain, shame, guilt. And we then go through life unconsciously creating situations that recreate the negative emotion."
Conversation here or over at my place?
I'll start here and insert the words "or something wrong has been done to us that makes us feel wrong." I'm not sure which came first for me, but certainly both seem to have a profound impact. I like the idea of detaching from the shame; just have to learn how to do that on a cellular level.
Conversation here or over at my place?
I'll start here and insert the words "or something wrong has been done to us that makes us feel wrong." I'm not sure which came first for me, but certainly both seem to have a profound impact. I like the idea of detaching from the shame; just have to learn how to do that on a cellular level.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
O,
Good catch, its the bad feeling itself, usually caused when we were younger by an outside factor (parents, friends etc). But once we attach to it, we create it subconsciously through out our lives because it makes us feel comfortable.
For me, this means that I always find a way to cause myself shame. Drinking, a demeaning sociopath exH, procrastination, general chaos. Now that I have solved the drinking and the Ex, I am even more busy creating a mess with the rest!!
I am not sure how to detach -- I am thinking about having few sessions with the author to explore this in the New Year, because this would be key.
I would highly recommend the book, which I am totally not doing justice.
XX
Good catch, its the bad feeling itself, usually caused when we were younger by an outside factor (parents, friends etc). But once we attach to it, we create it subconsciously through out our lives because it makes us feel comfortable.
For me, this means that I always find a way to cause myself shame. Drinking, a demeaning sociopath exH, procrastination, general chaos. Now that I have solved the drinking and the Ex, I am even more busy creating a mess with the rest!!
I am not sure how to detach -- I am thinking about having few sessions with the author to explore this in the New Year, because this would be key.
I would highly recommend the book, which I am totally not doing justice.
XX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by SoberLeigh
How are you today, Mizz?
I am doing well, Soberleigh.
This week has been interesting. I made it back to the gym after getting sick. It is so very helpful for me to exercise and keep the brain and body in a positive state.
Work has been the same. Micromanaging and boundaries. Im creating or trying to create boundaries and they are being ran over or ignored. It can be really frustrating. I will keep up with my efforts and hopefully those efforts will pay off.
The H and I made it to our marriage counseling tonight. I am hopeful we will make it out on the other side a more sound couple. Hope.
Thoughts of drinking are as such: I dont want to drink. I am working on making sure that I do not get emotionally overwhelmed. I have noticed that when I am in a negative emotional state that is when my brain thinks that "checking out" is an option. Its not an option and I have to see these states through.... and I am seeing it through. Gold Star!
How are you, Soberleigh? How was your week? The weather? Is there snow where you live?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
Hello!
I am doing well, Soberleigh.
This week has been interesting. I made it back to the gym after getting sick. It is so very helpful for me to exercise and keep the brain and body in a positive state.
Work has been the same. Micromanaging and boundaries. Im creating or trying to create boundaries and they are being ran over or ignored. It can be really frustrating. I will keep up with my efforts and hopefully those efforts will pay off.
The H and I made it to our marriage counseling tonight. I am hopeful we will make it out on the other side a more sound couple. Hope.
Thoughts of drinking are as such: I dont want to drink. I am working on making sure that I do not get emotionally overwhelmed. I have noticed that when I am in a negative emotional state that is when my brain thinks that "checking out" is an option. Its not an option and I have to see these states through.... and I am seeing it through. Gold Star!
How are you, Soberleigh? How was your week? The weather? Is there snow where you live?
I am doing well, Soberleigh.
This week has been interesting. I made it back to the gym after getting sick. It is so very helpful for me to exercise and keep the brain and body in a positive state.
Work has been the same. Micromanaging and boundaries. Im creating or trying to create boundaries and they are being ran over or ignored. It can be really frustrating. I will keep up with my efforts and hopefully those efforts will pay off.
The H and I made it to our marriage counseling tonight. I am hopeful we will make it out on the other side a more sound couple. Hope.
Thoughts of drinking are as such: I dont want to drink. I am working on making sure that I do not get emotionally overwhelmed. I have noticed that when I am in a negative emotional state that is when my brain thinks that "checking out" is an option. Its not an option and I have to see these states through.... and I am seeing it through. Gold Star!
How are you, Soberleigh? How was your week? The weather? Is there snow where you live?
Being emotionally overwhelmed had a lot to do with my drinking, too, Mizz.
It has been a good week for me. I am so grateful to be ready for Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Hi Mizz, SL,
So glad to hear you both sounding upbeat.
Mizz -- I hope you find a good solution with your H, sounds like you love him, so finding a way back would be a good thing.
I am good too, just too much to do and too little time -- always makes me wonder how I survived all this and drinking too....
So glad to hear you both sounding upbeat.
Mizz -- I hope you find a good solution with your H, sounds like you love him, so finding a way back would be a good thing.
I am good too, just too much to do and too little time -- always makes me wonder how I survived all this and drinking too....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Hi Mizz, SL,
So glad to hear you both sounding upbeat.
Mizz -- I hope you find a good solution with your H, sounds like you love him, so finding a way back would be a good thing.
I am good too, just too much to do and too little time -- always makes me wonder how I survived all this and drinking too....
So glad to hear you both sounding upbeat.
Mizz -- I hope you find a good solution with your H, sounds like you love him, so finding a way back would be a good thing.
I am good too, just too much to do and too little time -- always makes me wonder how I survived all this and drinking too....
I hope you find a little R and R with all that you do. I know you Will survive and power on. We all will. It's good to hear that you are well . the holiday season is here? Any major traveling or plans? Do you celebrate the Christmas season?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Mizz - I'm happy to see this thread. Big congrats on the sobriety.
I came back to these forms tonight in a state of fear and pain. Seeing your thread helped out. I remember you from before.
It gives me a little glimmer of hope.
I came back to these forms tonight in a state of fear and pain. Seeing your thread helped out. I remember you from before.
It gives me a little glimmer of hope.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
9 months today.
Even though life has been up and down and all around I am steadily gaining that sober time
It feels great!
Even though life has been up and down and all around I am steadily gaining that sober time
It feels great!
.
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