Wholesome

Why not try something else if AA isn't for you? Refuge Recovery is great and I've heard good things about SMART although I've never been to a meeting. The religious dogma of AA isn't for everyone.

Berrybean

It's hard to remember in these situations that that person who goes against AA tradition by cross-sharing does not actually represent the whole of the rest of the room. As it says in the big book, AA does not have the monopoly on recovery so I'd take his rantings with a pinch of salt. There will have been others who have had other input into their recovery than AA and the steps as well. Maybe the biker guy was just feeling unecessarily defensive of the thing that helped him turn his life around after he got disowned by his family in 1972. Who knows. There are always going to be some sick people in the rooms. Good job too I reckon if its going to remain a refuge for the sick, and not become a showcase for the contented. Best to focus your ears and attention on those you meet who actually have what you WANT though. Not those you despise.

By the way, there are plenty of folk with higher level degrees who can learn a hell of a lot through the steps. I was one of them. And I'm not kidding when I say if I had to choose between what I learned through the steps and what I learned in my degree and postgraduate course in Cambridge University, I would not hesitate before choosing my 12-step insight. Academic ability makes no difference in the recovery game. I often wonder if it might even make it harder in many ways, because I was definitely convinced I knew bloody everything. All the way from age 6 to when I started completing my step 4 inventory in my 40s.

Wishing you all, the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

PS might be worth trying the resentment prayer to see if you can stop drinking that poison, because he won't be losing any peace over it, only you. And you know, at the moment what is putting you in pain is not him speaking to you, but that act of turning a past event into a resentment. Replaying it and probably thinking of all the different cutting remarks you could have made or could make next time, etc., etc. And trying to figure out who else in the room agreed or not. And why he's not worthy of listening to anyway. And what he did in his drinking days that shows he's unworthy of note, etc., etc. Goodness, that stuff is exhausting. I should know! Lol. I did enough raging and resenting for a lifetime.

2muchpain

Great post Berrybean!! Reminds me of all the time I wasted sitting in the rooms just focusing on my anger towards others at the meetings. There were times I would leave a meeting in tears, than go home and toss and turn not being able to sleep. Needless go say, but I got nothing out of those meetings. I wasn't really listening to what others were saying. I don't remember the day when things changed for me or what made the difference, but I was able to move past this. I was able to put a lot of this aside and started really listening to what others had to say but it wasn't easy and it took a long time. I still hold some resentments towards AA, but it's no longer an all-encompassing thing. John

Ken33xx

Right. If one finds AA meetings continuously upsetting there are other recovery programs.

Gottalife

It wouldn't have done much good. Sorry James but this line does not appear in the big book. The one you are thinking of is about having no monopoly on god.

tomsteve

seems theres a few good things right there in the BB that fit the topic of the thread:


If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us.

Ken33xx

I'm fairly open to how one shares in AA as long as it relates to alcohol and I am against cross-talk. I prefer to leave the interpretation of the BB up to the individual. Find a niche in AA where you can feel comfortable is what I say.

CousinA

"Upon therapy for the alcoholic himself, we surely have no monopoly." - Forword to 2nd Edition.

-allan

sugarbear1

"In all probability, we shall never be able to touch more than a fair fraction of the alcohol problem in all its ramifications. Upon therapy for the alcoholic himself, we surely have no monopoly. Yet it is our great hope that all those who have as yet found no answer may begin to find one in the pages of this book and will presently join us on the high road to a new freedom."

Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxi

"If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within.
If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that."


Alcoholics Anonymous p. 95

The word "monopoly" is used twice in the big book.

lunahunt

If I'm disturbed not matter what the cause there is something wrong with me.

AA has two disciplinarians. I was taught and believe today my responsibility is to share the AA solution in an AA meeting. Afterwards, the meeting after the meeting I can open up about other stuff.

fini

https://stepstudy.org/three-views-of-recovery/

interesting article that helps to clarify.

Gottalife

Yes indeed. However this is not the basic text and not found in the first edition. The foreword to the second edition is a commentary on the basic text and what has happened since it was first published. The word monopoly appears only once in the basic text.

Still, I should have remembered about this foreword. It is one of my favourite parts because it provides very good commentary on recovery rates, and the nearest thing to accurate statistics that AA has ever published.

August252015

All this BB quoting and back and forth is a great example of something that could be irritating to some of us....perhaps in a meeting there's a know-it-all who always quotes (or misquotes) the BB....or there's a blowhard who tells the SAME story every time....or someone who seems to give everyone the stink eye or....

The bottom line is still that we are responsible for ourselves and - truthfully-the faster and more completely we divest ourselves of others' concern/attitude/comments/WHATEVER - and just assume it is not about us - the easier and more peaceful our life is. I know I have plenty of work to do on myself that when I start wandering into someone else's lane I better self correct as fast as I can! Remembering that "correcting" someone else's behavior or such is not my job. Reminding myself of what the BB says on 417-418, especially that we all have a right to be here, and nothing happens in God's world by accident, and especially that part about being an alcoholic is the best thing that ever happened to me- proving I don't know what's best for me, therefore anyone else....(all paraphrase 4th ed)....WOW! This takes a load off ..... that inventory on pp 86 is something I turn to every morning to take my own pulse.....

So, yeah, any of us who talk on about our own particular way and path of recovery can annoy others, or we can be annoyed or resentful (that word again!)....if we let ourselves be annoyed or worry about what others are doing. Best thing I can do is look for those who have what I want and concentrate on that. The rest- eh, whatever...

Wholesome

I don't get this statement at all. There are reasons to be disturbed or to have resentments and it's perfectly healthy and not an excuse for "relapse". If one is mistreated or their boundaries are crossed or terrible misfortune befalls them of course they are going to be disturbed. Anger can be a powerful emotion to bring about change and action if used in a constructive way.

tomsteve

this statement can get quite psychological. sharing what you did in the rest of the post is trying to correct the behavior of others.
notice the amount of times "we', "us", and "ourselves' was used.

Andante

Of course the statement, when taken on its own out of context, is absurd. No conflict is ever 100% one-sided.

In the context of 12-Step alcoholism recovery, the statement serves as an antidote to the peculiarly pervasive warping of perception that often seems to be a feature of the alcoholic mind in which self-pity, self-aggrandizement, and an irrational perception of being aggrieved and hard done by reign supreme. It's just a tool to use to help change your perception and realize there is a different way of looking at any conflict, one in which you recognize YOUR PART.

Wholesome

I would call those feelings and perceptions AV. Just that part of my mind trying to convince me to go back to drinking. Thoughts like, Oh everything is so lame and boring without drinking, I'll never have any fun again! My boss is such an a$$hole, my day has been so hard, nothing is ever easy and I can't even drink! Oh I'm such a loser, I've made such a big mess of things, I can't stand the way I feel right now without being able to drink!

lunahunt

Thanks.

AAPJ

Almost by definition AA meetings are full of F*ed up people (me included). What's really amazing is that we manage to function at all. Some meetings are better than others and there can certainly be a different tone depending on who's leading the meeting. In my early recovery I encountered some very annoying know it alls who wanted to school me as a newcomer. What I realized over time is that they just can't help themselves. They need to tell the newcomer something. While I could focus on how annoying they are now I just think - gosh they are probably so much better off than they were when they were drinking. Also since I attend lots of meetings and have a bit of sobriety time I have earned their respect. So for example last week a newcomer showed up at my home group. This meeting usually has 25 - 40 people which means speaking/sharing is done by raising your hand instead of being called on. But for some reason the leader (who I know pretty well) asked the newcomer to share. When the newcomer hesitated I suspected that he was pretty uncomfortable sharing so I just stood up and said "if he doesn't want to speak I will". The newcomer looked at me and smiled. Then he took a deep breath and started sharing. Now my home group is overall a bunch of great people and there was no friction in this exchange. Personally I think some of the old timer with double digit years of sobriety have forgotten how hard the first meetings can be. I haven't. I explained to a couple of folks why I did what I did. All good. That's why I was there again today.

AA isn't perfect but what is in this world?