Seems like wife is trying to sabotage my recovery.
Soberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Cleveland Ohio-ish
Posts: 395
Seems like wife is trying to sabotage my recovery.
Facts of the case:
50 years old married for 17 years-drank not overly heavy until the last five or so years. Obviously this caused issues within my marriage with general arguments. I would always hear "I don't like you when you drink" but still she would push every button to antagonize me to start a fight then storm out, complain to my family or simply call the police (always nice to have a couple of Sheriff cars in your drive way on a sunny Sunday afternoon.) When I drank I simply wanted to be left alone, I would putz around on the computer, play some guitar, make some calls but no way she would let that happen. Nitpick, nitpick then some bitching and moaning and wham-o the arguments would start--rinse and repeat for years. Ok wind the clock forward to recent--I stopped drinking almost eight weeks ago, I'm calmer, happier and content once again but yet my wife seems hell bent on tripping my triggers to push me back to the alcohol. Now I get the "remember when" you said/did that bla bla bla song and dance ever since I quit. She didn't like the drinking me but doesn't like the non-drinking me either what gives? We tried the counseling thing awhile back and she played the "babe in the woods" innocent routine and I was ganged up on in the sessions. I was a happy drunk and it would take a lot of pushing to get me angry but she knows the correct buttons to push and in what sequence to push them. I have a great job, provide for her stay at home mom lifestyle with my son which I'm OK with but with all that being said nothing has changed at home other than I'm not drinking. Oh ya, I can drive around without worry and not smell like Halls cough drops.
Thanks for listening, just needed to vent.
50 years old married for 17 years-drank not overly heavy until the last five or so years. Obviously this caused issues within my marriage with general arguments. I would always hear "I don't like you when you drink" but still she would push every button to antagonize me to start a fight then storm out, complain to my family or simply call the police (always nice to have a couple of Sheriff cars in your drive way on a sunny Sunday afternoon.) When I drank I simply wanted to be left alone, I would putz around on the computer, play some guitar, make some calls but no way she would let that happen. Nitpick, nitpick then some bitching and moaning and wham-o the arguments would start--rinse and repeat for years. Ok wind the clock forward to recent--I stopped drinking almost eight weeks ago, I'm calmer, happier and content once again but yet my wife seems hell bent on tripping my triggers to push me back to the alcohol. Now I get the "remember when" you said/did that bla bla bla song and dance ever since I quit. She didn't like the drinking me but doesn't like the non-drinking me either what gives? We tried the counseling thing awhile back and she played the "babe in the woods" innocent routine and I was ganged up on in the sessions. I was a happy drunk and it would take a lot of pushing to get me angry but she knows the correct buttons to push and in what sequence to push them. I have a great job, provide for her stay at home mom lifestyle with my son which I'm OK with but with all that being said nothing has changed at home other than I'm not drinking. Oh ya, I can drive around without worry and not smell like Halls cough drops.
Thanks for listening, just needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Congratulations on eight weeks, SteelRes.
That is great!
Well, as you are finding out, giving up alcohol, while huge, is not the ultimate fix.
Keep working on your recovery and guard your sobriety.
At least now you are clearheaded and calm. Things will go the way they are meant to go.
Peace.
That is great!
Well, as you are finding out, giving up alcohol, while huge, is not the ultimate fix.
Keep working on your recovery and guard your sobriety.
At least now you are clearheaded and calm. Things will go the way they are meant to go.
Peace.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I would also congratulate you on 8 weeks Steelres. The damage we did to ourselves and those around us with our drinking takes quite some time to repair, as well as trust. I would say for me it literally took at least a full year or more before my wife started accepting that I really was done drinking and ready to move forward. Keep doing what you are doing and little by little you can start repairing those bridges.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Congrats on 8 weeks! Please guard your sobriety! Let no one push you into taking another drink. Walk away. If things get really bad record what she is doing to you. It helps some people to see themselves behaving in an abusive manner. Do not give her any power. Find your inner strength and peace. Stay with us. We are here for you.
Do you attend any meetings? If so, you could get away from the situation and attend one. It could be a great place to vent, too.
Do you attend any meetings? If so, you could get away from the situation and attend one. It could be a great place to vent, too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Congratulations on your eight weeks, that is a terrific accomplishment!
You say that when you were drinking you just wanted to be left alone. Emotional and physical distance can wreck just as much havoc on a relationship as anger can. Focus on your sobriety, for sure, but understand that just stopping drinking is not a quick fix for five years of unhealthy partnership.
You say that when you were drinking you just wanted to be left alone. Emotional and physical distance can wreck just as much havoc on a relationship as anger can. Focus on your sobriety, for sure, but understand that just stopping drinking is not a quick fix for five years of unhealthy partnership.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Congrats on 8 weeks. Sorry that you're having to deal with additional challenges brought on by the aftermath of your drinking days.
Have you thought about finding another counselor? It doesn't seem right that a counselor would take sides. My husband and I see a therapist (both of us drank) and in no way does he give one of us the upper hand in our sessions. There's always 2 sides to a story.
As others have mentioned, hold on to your sobriety!
Have you thought about finding another counselor? It doesn't seem right that a counselor would take sides. My husband and I see a therapist (both of us drank) and in no way does he give one of us the upper hand in our sessions. There's always 2 sides to a story.
As others have mentioned, hold on to your sobriety!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Are you working on a program of recovery? It might help you to deactivate those buttons. I don't suppose she actually wants you to get violent, although there could be some other things she's hoping you might do or say one day, just as you do her.
I've been reading a great book about Love Languages. Basically once the first heady rush and excitement and romance wear off, that's when we need to start figuring out what our love language is so we can start showing them our love and affection in ways they can understand. Also, figure out our own love language so we can help them do the same. Its not that any of the languages are better or more valid than the others, just that if we do love someone then surely we want them to know that. Plenty of people I know have found it really helpful. Might be worth having a read... The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
I found it useful to read some of the threads in the family and friends area to get a better understanding of the effect my drinking had on others, and that the sounds from this don't just heal overnight because we are suddenly sober.
I've been reading a great book about Love Languages. Basically once the first heady rush and excitement and romance wear off, that's when we need to start figuring out what our love language is so we can start showing them our love and affection in ways they can understand. Also, figure out our own love language so we can help them do the same. Its not that any of the languages are better or more valid than the others, just that if we do love someone then surely we want them to know that. Plenty of people I know have found it really helpful. Might be worth having a read... The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
I found it useful to read some of the threads in the family and friends area to get a better understanding of the effect my drinking had on others, and that the sounds from this don't just heal overnight because we are suddenly sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Lancashire UK
Posts: 17
I am in a similar situation. I am still sober but my husband still drinks and brinhbrings alcohol into our home. He went out last weekend and came home trying to pick a fight. The next day he was all apologetic but tonight he brought in wine he said a customer gave him and had the whole bottle. I have just had to explain again how hard this is for me. I am now in bed feeling sorry for myself, Thank goodness for SR!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Good work on the sobriety so far! I would for sure keep going down the path, perhaps start going to AA for a solid support group, and to get some time away from her.
I was in a relationship at one time myself where she just seemed to enjoy trying to start drama and **** me off all the time for no reason.
Relationship issues are a separate problem on their own.
I was in a relationship at one time myself where she just seemed to enjoy trying to start drama and **** me off all the time for no reason.
Relationship issues are a separate problem on their own.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Congratulations on the 8 weeks, keep staying sober.
If you have been drinking heavily for the past 5 years, that's 260 weeks of heavy drinking. Now that you've been sober 8 weeks, that's only about 3% of the time. So you've been a drunk during 97% of the weeks over the past five years.
It takes time for other people, to realize that the "new you" is actually permanent. It's easy for us to get impatient, but we can't control how long it will take others to accept that we have changed.
I've been sober over 7 years now, but before I finally got sober my marriage was on life support. Now my relationship with my wife is probably the best it's ever been.
When did that change? I'm not really sure, but our improving relationship was probably a "and day at a time" thing for her, just like my sobriety was for me.
If you have been drinking heavily for the past 5 years, that's 260 weeks of heavy drinking. Now that you've been sober 8 weeks, that's only about 3% of the time. So you've been a drunk during 97% of the weeks over the past five years.
It takes time for other people, to realize that the "new you" is actually permanent. It's easy for us to get impatient, but we can't control how long it will take others to accept that we have changed.
I've been sober over 7 years now, but before I finally got sober my marriage was on life support. Now my relationship with my wife is probably the best it's ever been.
When did that change? I'm not really sure, but our improving relationship was probably a "and day at a time" thing for her, just like my sobriety was for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
when i got sober i think my wife couldnt pull the wool over my eyes as easily . or she got used to being able to guilt me with my drinking in order to get her way? I dunno but we had our issues when i got sober.
its a very diff dynamic in the relationship after you get sober and I think it can be difficult on the spouses to figure out how to handle this new person there married too.
i was thinking about it myself the other day. and while I am the one that poured the booze down my throat. man oh man the stress she created i swear didnt help matters lol. I dont want to blame her because I rpoabbly woudl have jut found some other reason to drink but boy oh boy... lol
got sober and some of the antics continued only i coudlnt just reach for a beer to numb out the BS anymore i had to face it and deal with it. I dont think she liked my new fount clarity in the istuations either.
its hard it takes time. I think it took my wife an dI like a year to kinda get back on track.
its a very diff dynamic in the relationship after you get sober and I think it can be difficult on the spouses to figure out how to handle this new person there married too.
i was thinking about it myself the other day. and while I am the one that poured the booze down my throat. man oh man the stress she created i swear didnt help matters lol. I dont want to blame her because I rpoabbly woudl have jut found some other reason to drink but boy oh boy... lol
got sober and some of the antics continued only i coudlnt just reach for a beer to numb out the BS anymore i had to face it and deal with it. I dont think she liked my new fount clarity in the istuations either.
its hard it takes time. I think it took my wife an dI like a year to kinda get back on track.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: south texas
Posts: 152
Great on the 8 weeks! Can also relate to this thread a bit: as my wife of 20+yrs has been trying my patience on a regular basis (nothing new) , However while drinking I would let her comments slide off a lot easier , but it doesn't help my early sobriety , I've need to re-learn patience when dealing with her , so I can stay on this recovery .
Stay Strong SteelRes211
Stay Strong SteelRes211
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
yeah as far as my wife pushing my buttons in early sobriety. I honestly had to just tune her out and and adopt an outlook that put me and my health first. It was selfish of me and I think to some degree made matters worse that i was being selfish and focusing more on my own health to the point of obesssion and giving her less of myself.
in my case its what worked for me. If i would have entertained her poking at me more often I might have fallen of the wagon and drank. it was all i could do to stays sober. tolerateing much of anything else was incredibly hard.
in my case its what worked for me. If i would have entertained her poking at me more often I might have fallen of the wagon and drank. it was all i could do to stays sober. tolerateing much of anything else was incredibly hard.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Have you suggested to your wife to attend alanon? You are not drinking but there may be some lingering effects that she may need to learn to recognize and correct herself.
5 years can change your wife. It may take her awhile especially if she's not in recovery also.
5 years can change your wife. It may take her awhile especially if she's not in recovery also.
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