Stellar45

I need help right now. I had 68 days sober, then started some controlled drinking. I did well for awhile limiting it to 4-6 beers and always made it to work, on average 48. hours. wicked a week. Then memorial day came up and I was left alone by my Wife and kids. They made a long trip to California to see a high school graduation. Up to 38 days I seemed to be able to have no ill effects so I upped my limit when I was alone. Long story short, I ended up on an 8 day bender and ended up missing 60 Hours of work. Some parts of the last 8 days I have little to no memory of. I feel so ashamed. My boss does know the entirety of it, just that my job is still there. I feel like such a fool and a loser.My brother has over 14 years sober with no AAr but I can't seem to get more than 2 to 4 months at a time. I don't want to drink today but feel, sick, disgusted and tired. I understand what that incomprehensible demoralization feels like. I have to just somehow get through this. I have deep body aches all over and went through some pretty bad night sweats and dry heaves last night. I hope I never believe I can control that alcohol poison again.

tomls

Welcome back! Maybe you learned something?

Anna

I'm sorry that you're struggling right now.

I really think it's necessary to know and believe that alcohol is not an option, ever. For me, when I got to that point, my mind began to help me out by coming up with healthy ways to deal with loneliness, frustration, etc. I believe that you need to deal with the underlying issues that brought you to alcoholism, in order to recover.

RDBplus3

'Controlled' drinking ...


The beginning of Step 1 in 12 Steps and 12 Traditions starts out with ... "It is truly awful to admit ..."
For ME, it is better stated ... Thank God I came to the realization, that with glass in hand, needle in my arm, joints I had smoked, etc ... I warped my Mind and Body into such a condition that only ...

Point is ... after repeatedly struggling, face-in-the-pavement struggling ... I came to the ABSOLUTE reality of Step 1 ... that for ME, the concept of 'Controlled' drinking is asinine suicide.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2

ScottFromWI

Glad you are back Stellar. You are right that addiction will tell you that things are OK when they are really not, and that "controlling" your drinking is possible. It's all a gig fat lie though. Even 4-6 beers a night is binge drinking so you weren't really limiting things even then - that's enough to cause severe damage to your body and mind over time.

I would say for one thing, don't compare your situation to anyone else - what works for your brother is fine for him, but we are all different. And definitely don't rely on hope to help keep you sober..because it will always fail eventually. I found that I first had to unconditionally accept that I can never drink even one drink - ever again - if I want to have a fair chance at life. It's just not in the cards and never will be for me. Once I was at that point I needed a support network around me and I had to start working on being sober as a part of my daily life. Just "not drinking" never worked for me - and while it does for some, most of us need some structure at least initially. Have you ever participated in any formal recovery program?

Maudcat

Welcome back. I think the takeaway here is that alcohol is just not in the cards for you.
When I accepted that I couldn't drink like other people, my way forward became clear.
Acceptance is key.

thomas11

Welcome back. Maybe print out your post and look at it next time you think you can control your drinking. Sorry for what brings you here, but at least you made it. Wish you the best.

Stellar45

I have not picked up today thus far. Yes, its a good idea to read this post a few times to myself. I cannot control drinking alcohol. Its been an illusion in my brain that I could. Why does a person keep going back to it? I would like to start on that road to recovery once again. What are some of the reasons others out there would drink?

least

I drank so I wouldn't feel depression and anxiety. But in the long run, alcohol just made them worse.

I feel a thousand times better sober.

waynetheking

When you mentioned illusion you are exactly right. That's how alcoholism kills you. It will trick you into an early grave. As Maudcat said, ACCEPTANCE is the key. Your body is not equipped to process alcohol. Period. End of story. Done. I think right now you have some illusion about what long-term sobriety is. I can absolutely assure you it's a better life than alcoholism. In my opinion it's better than being a casual drinker as well.
There's only one way to beat this disease know as alcoholism. You have to stop drinking. You're an alcoholic. If you continue drinking the consequences are deadly. Think about it. I'm really glad you are back. Most people don't come back for years. Some don't make it. Stay with us.

Dee74

Welcome back Stellar

I returned to drinking a bunch of times, each time worse than the last. My advice is to do whatever it takes - if you think/suspect you need AA then why not give it a go?

D

SteelRes211

Did the same thing in the past when my wife and kid took trips without me because I made up some cockamamie excuse to stay home and let my old friends Blacky and Red in the door and they lied to me again. You know what? Same end result back to full time after the first shot. I made every deal with myself to control my drinking by limiting the amounts, types, time of day, only to ramp it up again with a vengeance. I'm only about six weeks in to my sobriety and not out of the woods yet but I have developed an anger toward alcohol which I thought was my friend.

Good luck, there are a ton of folks here with years of sobriety and you can be one of them.

JudicatorPanzer

For an alcoholic, there is no reason to drink. I can't set myself up with what if scenarios. I can't say "well if a family member dies..." because life happens. But for me drinking alcohol will make anything much much worse, in my experience.

Dee74

I never really needed a reason to drink, cos everything good or bad was a reason to drink.

I had to take that drinking option off the table for good.

I've seen death, illness, deperate sadness, immense frustration and occasional resentment over the past ten years - but no reason is a good reason for me to drink again.

That's the way I need to think, and I suggest the same is true for you Stellar?

D

RapidMan

Controlled Drinking is a fallacy that all our alcoholic brains seems to try to convince we can manage after we're 'cured'.

God knows i've tried so many times and each time my idiotic monkey brain convinces me the same nonsense is possible. I think Dee said it in an earlier post, and it's certainly true for me, each time the subsequent drinking gets worse, almost like my head is telling me to drink more to make up for the time I was sober.

So you're not alone in this, many of us have fell into the trap, but try to stay strong and don't get too demoralized, you can and will recover and learn from this.

On the topic of things getting worse, I've also found that detox's seem for me at least get more awful, the last one was really enough to cure me for good...I try to remember that whenever I'm tempted to drink, so should you.

tomsteve

my brother is a nuclear engineer, but i cant seem to figure it out.
just because my brother is a nuclear engineer doesnt mean i can do it. so what i did was find a different occupation- one that fit me.