Hell on Earth. . .
 

I went out again. Sunday and every day since.
Last week I was on fire with sobriety. I just thought I will just have a little drink and get back on it tomorrow. Oh the bargaining! Once I get it in my head, its a done deal. I'm off to the races. I did well Monday I hit an early AM meeting and was good for about 4 hours. I drank for 1 day (and not too much even...a pint of the cheapest crappiest Vodka on Earth) and the anxiety set in the minute it wore off. What gets rid of that? More poison! So stupid.
Right now I'm ok. Starting over again. I feel terrible, mentally especially. And physically I still feel pretty bad. Price I have to pay

I really hate this disease.

I feel like I let all of you down. I really felt like the obsession was lifted and then I just became obsessed with that 1st drink. I have got to learn to deal with the unfortunate things going on by not numbing out. It's not an option. Drunk or sober the situation is the same, the problems remain. I resolve nothing.
Just had to come clean.
Sorry. 😞
J

Welcome, Jules! Oh how many times I've done the same thing. Felt so proud of my sobriety and allowed the alcoholic in me to convince me that I was fine to have just one. I'm the same with drinking - one flips the switch and I cannot focus on anything but getting more, and more is never enough. Ever.

You've done well to come in here and confess! Today is a brand new day. You know what you need to do, so do it. the obsession with which we are afflicted is activated not even by one drink, but one sip... And the cycle is set in motion yet again. I despise that cycle. When you're in it, it feels like there is no way out except down further and further. But you've come out - and now is your chance to put the past in the past and focus on taking action today to prevent further relapse. It's great that you are attending meetings. If you don't have a sponsor, see if you can get one. That helped me in staying accountable and learning about this disease. Keep your head up!! It's never too late :-)

An old AA cliché...
What do you get when a drunk who is always angrystops drinking?
A sober person who is always angry (dry drunk).
I need support and guidance from professional friends- counselling.

Thank you. That's precisely how I feel. When in it, I feel like there's no end to it.
At least this time I didn't hit it as hard. I kept eating...which I never do when drinking. Maybe a cracker or two to stop the spins. Every other time I go back out I just hit it harder. At least this time I didn't go totally nuts. It was almost as if I wasn't even committed to getting obliterated. So that's a plus. Today will be rough, but it's been worse.
Just thankful for the support her and AA. Although I'm going to tell my family there too. I know they'll understand. They have been around the block a few times too.
Thank you!!

Welcome back Jules, sorry to hear you went back out. It certainly happens but that doesn't mean it HAS to happen. I understand the "bargaining" very well, I did it for years myself. And yes, then anxiety - we know that well too.

On that note ( anxiety ) be aware that it definitely gets worse. At some point physical dependence sets in and your tolerance gets so high that drinking doesn't even calm the anxiety anymore - it ends up making it worse. I got to that point where drinking really provided little relief anymore other than keeping me from going into withdrawals if I didn't drink. I can vividly remember trying to choke down beers in the morning - knowing that if I didn't drink i would start having heart palpitations and ridiculously high pulse/BP. I would even vomit them right back up sometimes and then try again a few minutes later. Sorry if that's a little graphic but it's a very real possibility and you never know when you'll cross the threshold to that stage, it really creeps up on you.

You didn't let any of us down - being honest is a cornerstone to sobriety I believe. Instead of feeling bad about it channel that energy into figuring out what you can do to make this time around be the time that you stay sober for good. What kind of resources have you not used yet? Meetings? Counseling? Online Meetings? Your doctor? leave no stone unturned.

I wish I could afford therapy again. I've had lots. But I can't right now.
AA & being here helped a lot. It's just me reacting to circumstances. Or not not wanting to think about things. That solves nothing.

AA is much more than meetings.
going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism.
working the steps does.
10th step promises:
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

work them steps and this will occur for you,too.

That is really the crux of the matter - choosing do drink/hide instead of facing life on it's own terms.

For me the solution was first accepting that drinking was not, and never will be an option - ever. Even one sip of alcohol can never intentionally pass my lips if I want to face life for what it is.

That first drink is no longer an option for me, for I know where it will lead.

I know that if I have even one sip, I'm done for. I will die. It's that serious.

I know a guy at AA that has been in and out of the rooms since 2011 - during the 5 months that I have been in AA he has relapsed 3 times. Every time he comes back is looks worse off - mentally and physically. When he goes on a jag he drinks until he ends up in a hospital.

He is always filled with remorse, apologizes to everyone and calls himself a hypocrite but we tell him "at least you haven't given up trying to get sober".

*triggery
 

Ok...here goes. A lot to attend and address.
My anxiety really sets in withdrawl. When I'm.clean, I'm pretty much ok. Tolerable.
I had a sponser and she went out.(2 years ago) To have even asked her was huge for me. As a young girl I was sexually abused by a woman as a girl. She had me and her son play house. So I've really have had a hard time with women. Try as I might, they are not my first choice. Which is not to say that men have not done the same in every way of abuse. Verbal, physical, sexual. What can I say? Apparently I bare some signal that just says "hurt me". They can smell it on me.
That's not even my issue, dealt with all that. It's this 1woman who hangs me up from getting another sponser. How can you not feel responsible for one going out?

Doug, what do you reckon you are doing that he isn't, or vice versa?

Oops hit reply inadvertently.
The steps....oh.
I can do them, I'm pretty honest. I have a HP, always have. It's the admitting to someone. Not the admitting, its the some one.
I'm an #ss. I know. I'm in perfect and I fail. I know. My relationship with my HP is good. He never leaves me.
10 years ago my child disclosed sexual abuse to me. My then husband just drank. Or traveled for business. And drank. I was sober. I took care of my child. Therapy galore. Sand trays, art, talk we spent so much time and $ on therapists. I drove all over God's green earth for her help. And Mone. He didn't do ****.not even read a book. She got better, and he got worse. I got through that too. So did she. She's amazing. Beyond amazing. Right now, without using specifics, he's sober (I think) and has custody of her..he's moving so I have to go too. Not going to be without my child.but I RESENT IT. I don't want to move (especially there). I hastily dumped my beyond decent Boyfriend bc why not.? In my sobriety I not picked. He can't come. He has children of his own. Here.
I don't want to move (again, I've been dragged thru 5 states and 2 countries) I'm tired. Exhausted.
So this is why I went out.
I'm doing good now. My kid is moving very soon and i can't go until my lease is up 5 months.witjiut the child I raised every day as s stay at home mom for 12 years.. Unless I come into $7k. I have to leave a man who loves me bc of the POS man I thought I loved. He still controls me after 18 years. A good dad but totally nuts. Confirmed narcissist. Psych eval to prove.
So that's everything​.
Alcohol does nothing for me...for maybe a second I forget. Then all the sick sets in. You're all aware. My story isn't unique.
Despite this, to spite this..I'm quitting again.
It makes *nothing better.
I'd rather deal with it then be so sick.
I'm capable of much. Seen worse..refuse to let Vodka get the last laugh.
Thanks for "listening". Truly. I know:heavy.
J

Thats the thing I had to fight against the most.

if you (or even just some part of you) doesn't want it to be a done deal, then don't let it be - fight for it.

Post here, go to an AA meeting, see your Dr or a counsellor, tidy your house from top to bottom, eat something, scream into your pillow, have a hot bath, get into your PJs...try some Urge Surfing...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

Whatever it takes. whatever the effort.
Don't drink.

D

It's always painful every time we do it. But we are aware n we do want the pain to end. It will one day x alcoholism addiction is a horrendously cruel n painful illness. Take today only as day one. I understand the fear of withdrawal the anxiety and the dark out of total dispar. I'm not going to tell you to vow never to drink again it's not that simple. All I want to say is this, do not beat yourself up. Alcohol will do that. I'm with u I know how **** you freel. God bless xx

Thank you all. I 💕 this site. You strengthen me. And when I'm "good" I attempt to do the same.

Does he add:
"I hate myself." "I'd be better off dead." And my favorite, "I'm a worthless piece of garbage?"

Sounds about like me.

To that end, which wasn't directed at me. .
I sometimes feel as though Id better off dead. But then again..NO. I'm the consistent, chronic relapser. I end up in the hospital frequently. But I don't give up on me.
I'm a good person. I have much to offer. Im smart.
Why I don't give up. I'm going to beat this harder than it has beaten me.
A slip. Almost a given.
But I'm stronger than this. Seen worse. Nothing defines me but me. Not vodka .Redundant? Yes, but I know my worth
Circumstances come and go. I remain. Me with it. Entirely.
J

I guess he isolates himself. He hides from his sponsor and gets loaded.

He has had the same sponsor for a few years and the sponsor keeps working with him no matter how many times he fails.