sean0621

So I am 20 days shy of 3 years today and I am starting to feel like I am in a very good place in many aspects of my life. I am at the point to where I have been giving back quite a bit.

I facilitate meetings at Racing for Recovery and mentor/sponsor people, even though we don't really do actual sponsors at r4r, I for all intents and purposes do take on sponsees and have a sponsor myself.

For the past 6 months I have had trouble saying no to people who are asking for me as a sponsor. The first five people that I asked to sponsor me told no, when I was brand new at AA. And I was crushed at the time. I felt like I was gathering up courage to ask the girl I like out to prom and then just getting shot down at a point when I had basically no self-esteem. And I project those feelings onto others and try not to reject anyone out right.

But it's far too many people for me to handle. I have had people call me and threaten to commit suicide if I don't come see them while they are drunk. Part of me wants to hold them accountable and say "do not contact me when you are drunk, go to sleep and call me first thing in the morning when you are sober". But then I worry, what if he is serious and I am letting him down and he actually puts a bullet in his head. So I drove out to have coffee with him and talk for an hour and gave him the suicide hotline.

I am just curious on how some of the people here with some time and experience would handle this. I know that I need to be selfish in my sobriety, but part of me always feels guilty when I can't give more of myself, or when I don't have the answers that they are looking for when they are desperate. All I have is my own struggle and my own story and you either relate to it or you don't.

I know that I can't fix anybody, but I still feel guilty when someone comes to me for help and doesn't get what they were looking for. I focus on that sometimes instead of the friends that I have that are very successful in recovery. And it is so give and take with those friends, we help each other.

I stopped facilitating a few months back and just started going for me again. But I still have an awful lot of young people especially request me as their mentor/sponsor. I go to meetings for my own sanity and happiness, I really don't have any answers other than put in the work, seek positive sober people, listen/learn and grow. Find something that works for you and don't stop doing it. But I have the same struggles and often there are no concrete answers, just faith and perseverance.

I feel like I set good boundaries, but often I am bad at enforcing those boundaries. It's to the point now where I feel like just not going to meetings for awhile, and I love going to meetings. I am feeling burnt out. I went back to school and am about to receive a degree in the next six months. I just started a new job in my career field. I met a great girl and have entered my first romantic relationship in over 2 years, my first since I have been in recovery. There is a lot on my plate, but I still love meetings, and I believe giving back is important, but not as important as balance.

I'm trying to know where to draw the line but it's hard, I think part of me still wants to save people, and we save our selves. But if I am being honest with myself I know that feels true. That and I feel like my kindness is being taken advantage of. I am not a pushover but, I will always help if I can. Anyways, I'd love to hear some thoughts on this.

Doug39

I am only 7 months sober and I am yet to sponsor anyone; my sponsor says he thinks I am ready and it would be good for my sobriety.

I have given my number out to many guys; but no calls yet. I try not to judge anyone - a lot of the younger guys at AA are there for drug addiction and I honestly do not want to get involved in that type of situation.

I know it is all about helping others in all aspects of life - but those old selfish, judging ways sometimes surface, along with the fear that I won't be a good sponsor.

I guess I will have to wait and see how it goes when I actually do sponsor someone.

Chaplain30

What about self respect?

Ariesagain

First and foremost, congratulations on almost three years!!

As for not wanting to be a sponsor to the point where you're avoiding the meetings you love and that are helping you be successful...that's pretty unhealthy, yes?

Maybe if you let it be known that you're taking a break from sponsoring, word will get out? You still have to take care of your recovery, above all.

If you still are asked, maybe "I hope you'll understand and forgive me, but I'm taking a break from sponsoring right now. Is there another way I can help?"

And then go introduce them to someone else.

Maudcat

Sean, are you getting desperate, "please, you gotta help me!" calls?
Because those are hard to say no to.
I don't t have a good answer for this. Perhaps someone with sponsor experience can weigh on n with a plan to curb those calls.
Otherwise, if someone approaches you at meetings, I think Aries's suggestion about taking abreak from sponsorship is a good one.
You can't be the only available sponsor at a meeting, yes?

Berrybean

Are any of your sponsees now on step 12? Could it be time to encourage them to start this part of their step work?

I think if you say no kindly and explain the reason and possibly suggest some other people who could be likely sponsors then the person making the request should have no reason to feel hurt or rejected. The thing is, a sponsor whose stretching their time too thinly isn't really giving their sponsees the best chance at working the steps to the best of their ability either, so taking them on when you don't have the time to give is actually doing them a disservice. Also, if it's gut wrenching to be turned down by a potential sponsor, it's far more gut wrenching to have to go through the process of changing sponsor if things don't work out or they don't have enough time to give the support you need.

A lot of recovery is about exercising wisdom: ie taking the choice that is for the long term good rather than short term ease or gratification. This sounds like another one of those deals to me, but you already know that you taking on more sponsees isn't what's best in the long term for you or them. Maybe you could do a spot-inventory on this using the same format as for step 4. That is often helpful for me when I'm stuck in a predicament and don't feel comfortable taking the option that seems the wisest. Maybe your sponsor could help you do that over a coffee. It's definitely worth discussing with them.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

sean0621

Thanks, this is pretty much what I have come up with. I am really glad that you said this. I have 2 people that really look up to me right now that I would like to focus on. I just need to say no, in a fashion where I am not rejecting said person. But I understand that their feelings are also not my responsibility.

I agree that my recovery is the most important thing. Boundaries have been an issue for me my entire life. I set excellent boundaries or state them verbally. My follow through is really lacking right now. With some people it is good, but I get blindsided by having one good conversation with someone and then next they are telling me I might kill myself.

I mean I've been there, I attempted suicide. I want to hep if I can, I don't want them to become just another statistic. But I certainly don't want to allow myself to be used as a lifeline over and over again. It's too stressful. So that advice feels right and my follow through with boundaries needs to become a priority.

sean0621

Yes I have had a few people call me and say things such as " I am either going to have a drink or put a bullet in my head, I feel out of options." And yes it is hard for me to say no to that. But I am going to have to start redirecting some of this elsewhere. My recovery and my sanity is too important.

sean0621

I like what you said here. It's the other side of the coin that I did not consider. Maybe they won't commit suicide, and if I step aside they will find the right person in recovery. I have people that I would like to focus more of my energy on and I think limiting my energy to them sounds like a good idea.

Berrybean

As long as we're acting with love and good intent, and are directing them to others who have the capacity to support them there is no need to feel bad. We can't save the world single handedly. That's why these are support groups or fellowships. It cannot practically be left to one person or a couple of people to do it all. Also, those other people in your group with good sobriety to pass on will also benefit from sponsoring others, just as you do (when the responsibility is manageable). We're more likely to get to keep it when we give but away after all, but we also need to leave enough time to look after ourselves and our own recovery.

Perhaps you could print out a little list of numbers to pass on to people for the eventually of being contacted with requests you feel unable to fulfil or resolve. Suicide hotlines etc. could be included on there as well.

We need to refill our own pot if we want to have anything left to pour for others.

BB

Gottalife

I am not familiar with R4R, but there were two statements you made that would distinguish it from AA. One is no sponsorship and the other " I know that I need to be selfish in my sobriety," is completely anathema to AA. AA believes selfishness will kill you.

If your program says be selfish and don't sponsor, then that is what you should do. But there is independent research that says helping others significantly increases your chance of staying sober. And here you are approaching three years, so something has been working don't you think.

A further aspect of AA is the final part of the sponsorship process, teaching your sponsee to help others, which obviously improves the sponsees chance of permanent recovery. If you have no room for more, maybe it is time one of your sponsees got to sponsor.

sean0621

R4R is an AA alternative. Or better said a 12 step alternative. Although you'd rarely find an R4R member that did not spend some time in AA or is not doing AA alongside. It uses mental health terms such as peer mentor to replace sponsorships. Early in recovery I had a huge problem with the higher power aspect of...well anything. I had to find my own way to what I believed in a higher power once I got sobriety nailed down good and strong. There are no steps at R4R, just simple guidelines. But of course some of the guidelines in r4r look awful similar to some of the steps in AA.

But for all intents and purposes my very close friend that I met at R4R acted as a sponsor or the equivalent thereof outside of twelve step. That being said we have a pretty good turn out rate for giving back. Two of the kids I mentor/sponsor whatever you want to call it are ready to give back and are facilitating meetings and mentoring others. The problem is, we are a tiny program and a lot of people from AA are starting to pour in and are looking for that sponsor/sponsee relationship and we believe in the group is your support, and same thing get phone numbers, go to meetings and find what works and do it. We fashion our program around mental, physical and spiritual health. Mostly I like it because I found a group of people that were doing similar things to me in recovery. They were trying to recreate themselves and fearlessly digging deep and being honest and then they looked happy. I saw them and said, that's what I want, that honesty and that happiness.

And putting self first in recovery is actually something I learned from AA. Don't read too much into the words, I just mean that I can't take care of anyone else if I don't first take care of yourself. Which is precisely what I am struggling with and not doing very well right now. I am putting others first far too often and it's wearing me down over time.

Anyways R4R and AA are both great programs. I just found my support network at R4R and it saved my life. Could have happened anywhere in any meeting, but I met a few special people at R4R that I instantly related to. The program suited me more as I was able to go a little deeper into why I was drinking and long story short it saved my life and I was able to put together nearly 3 years of continuous sobriety.

That all being said, I hate to see people come in, not find what they are looking for and then go back out or worse kill themselves. I know it is unrealistic, but I truly hope that we can all find happiness in recovery and I wish nobody had to learn the hard way or worse permanently.

My dad was a late stage alcoholic and died of liver cirrhosis at 49. I think part of me wishes I could go back with what I now right now and somehow save him. And I think I often project that onto other people in recovery. Especially young kids that have their whole life ahead of them. But I am trying to work past that part of me and instead understand that everything has it's reasons and I simply need to listen to what the serenity prayer says.

I simply wanted to share my feelings on not being able to be there for people and Ariesagain confirmed what I already believed. I just needed to hear somebody else say it. And it had to come from someone other than the guy that basically acted as my sponsor at r4r apparently.

I believe giving back is important and I truly enjoy it for the most part. But I have run into people who are emotionally draining too, and are unfortunately also unwilling to put in the work themselves and I seem to put more effort into their recovery than they are willing to put in.

I do the best I can to be happy and balanced, which is all I truly want out of life.