MachinistGuy

I'm having a very bad time. I just can't think around the fact that I have cirrhosis, very probably decompensated ( meaning the liver can't recover )

Thoughts of death and dying are constant and I'm now getting panic attacks again, just like the ones that started me drinking in the first place. I think about what a depressing funeral I'll have - maybe 5 or 6 people there who liked me, no family, no-one who REALLY loves me.

Apart from being malnourished thanks to eating very little during the last drinking binge 6 weeks ago, followed by a period where I couldn't keep any food down courtesy of a reaction to antibiotics I still have indigestion which appears in my mind as something more significant than it might be.

My old false friend alcohol is saying " Come on, try me again, I can deal with your pain " and if I do I know I'll feel better - for a very short while.

Do I want to ruin the progress I have made so far ? it doesn't seem like I made any at all. I have tried, I really have. Not just being completely abstinent, but diet ( low sodium ) and lifestyle changes too.

I keep getting ready to go to the shop for a bottle and then stopping myself at the last minute. I'm right on the edge.

Bunny211

Do you know that any of this nonsense your head is telling you is true? That you cannot recover from cirrhosis? I had a friend who had it so bad she had 4 liters taken off her stomach. She had to learn to walk again. She was in diapers and couldn't feed herself. She is two years sober now. I went hiking and ziplining with her last weekend. She's doing fantastic. I think you should go to an AA meeting and share. Being by yourself with these thoughts is dangerous because you are believing what your head tells you.

Recovery is a process and takes time. I didn't just snap my fingers and feel better. It's a fight worth fighting for. Please don't drink. It's not worth it.

Maudcat

What does your physician say, Machinist? Did the diagnosis come from him/her?
If yes, then your medical community will have next steps for you.
If no, then you simply must get outside of your head with this.
It will only lead to drinking, which, with cirrhosis , is a truly bad idea.

Delizadee

Stay here and keep posting. Post on the newcomers forum if you need some more support because it's got more traffic. But really- you will be the one who knows you've thrown away all your progress so far. Build on where you're at, be kind to yourself, and get as much support as you can right now.
It will get better!! Stay at itand remember you're not alone

ScottFromWI

Don't listen to false friends. They give really bad advice.

You have a whole bunch of new friends who have sound advice. Your doctor is one - follow up with them if you still have concerns about your physical well-being. Your anxiety could just as easily be the source of your current worries as much as a physical source so follow up and confirm.

You also have a lot of new friends here on SR - thousands of them really. And they all know that your old friend is full of it...because we have the same old friend too.

You know what the right decision is, and the fact that you came here to bring it up instead of just buying more alcohol is a indication that you know too. Maybe spend some time here today or even consider hitting a recovery meeting locally? There is strength in numbers when it comes to recovery.

Doug39

I know a guy at AA that has cirrhosis and it is tough to deal with. The guy is my age but look 25 years older than me.

He is on meds and is constantly drug and alcohol tested - after he is clean for a year he will get put on a waiting list for a new liver.

Drinking will not solve anything - do not give up and pray. It is all God's hands.

tomsteve

meet joe- someone who helped me tremendously in recovery;
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ssed-away.html

CreativeThinker

Think of how you will feel tomorrow morning. Not worth it at all! Get busy...go for a walk, take a hot shower, eat something...ICE CREAM!!! It's only a thought, you don't need to act on it.

Jules714

Im sorry you are riddled with anxiety. It is an awful feeling. When I'm like this I have to get out of my head. Any busy work. A walk. A drive. A shower. Camomile tea. Cooking. Read.
Have you tried AA? It's really comforting to sit in room full of people who actually *get you and who want to help you.
It's good you recognize Alcohol is not a friend. Even to non alcoholics..it has zero redeeming qualities/purpose. The further I get away from it the more I dislike it. With friends like that who needs enemies?
I can appreciate the thoughts you have about visualizing your funeral. That must be hard to think of and share. I just don't know that it's helping you. What is it serving you? Anguish and anxiety. Try please to cozy up to peace and sobriety instead.
See your doc ASAP. You need to know exactly what is going on and what to expect. How to goal set and plan to live as healthily as you can. Alcohol is not going to give you anything but maybe a short reprieve and then what? Guilt, remorse and worse anxiety and physical ailment.
Be so proud of how far you come!
Think about that! REALLY THINK ABOUT THAT!!
Just attempt to slow down and appreciate what you've done so well these past weeks & what you do have. I try to have gratitude now for what I do have. Minutea. Rather than revel in depression for what I don't have. Glass half full. Errr,😧 probably bad adage....LOL.
Have a laugh and hang in there.
GL,
J

MachinistGuy

Thank you all so much.
I came up with a strategy. I went to see my only two friends who actually live within walking distance ( I can't walk too far, I smashed my legs and pelvis in a bike crash years ago )
They have been brilliant ever since I came back to this place from abroad. I've known them for about 30 years. Bikers, like me - so we have shared experience - he's retired and she works for a mental health charity. They know all about my alcoholism.
I used to take a bottle round there when I went to visit. I could have done tonight but I knew they'd be disappointed and sad - even though they wouldn't say anything.
They walked me back home, I went past the store that sells booze - for the second time - and didn't go in. In 30 minutes the store shuts and I'm safe until tomorrow. At least I'll get a good nights sleep, I used to wake up feeling as tired as when I went to bed. I didn't really sleep I don't think, I just passed out.

We talked and they said they were proud of me for getting this far and I should look in a mirror sometime to see how much healthier I appear.

It'll all start again tomorrow, but I am going to re-read what you guys wrote, probably several times, and learn what I can.

Thanks again, I really mean that.

Jules714

Hey...one day at a time. Second to second if need be. Good job passing up the liquor store. I remember feeling relieved when it closed too. I also remember correctly.kng out of my skin waiting for it to open. I feel better now that I don't think much about it all.
Proud of you.
J

Dee74

I'm glad you're doing a little better.

Believe me I thought I was going to drop dead any minute too - I felt very seriously no human could have drunk and smoked what I did and live.

Ten years later I'm still here

D