Am I dating an alcoholic and what do I do?
 

I've been having a tough time lately in my relationship with my girlfriend and her drinking. We've been together for about 2 and a half years and have now lived together for one. I have always known she drinks but have never known the severity until this past year. We used to go out and have some drinks together when we first started dating, stay in and have a few at the house or go out with friends and have no issues. Over the past year and a half it seems to be getting worse. I have cut my drinking back to maybe a few times a month, one because I work so much now and two because I don't want to drink around her even if she is. She has been on a steady diet of Jager and Redbull (anywhere from a pint a day to almost a 5th). She has started to black out and not remember things and it's becoming where we cannot even go out bc she gets to wasted and has to leave with in an hour bc she power drinks.

I know she drinks to hide her depression. She lost her mom a few months back and her job is highly stressful. This is starting to get worse though. Before she would drink a 5th in about 3 days or so but she's doing that almost every night now. I can count maybe 10 sober days since the new year started.

It's beginning to weigh on our relationship. She is the woman I want to marry but this is giving me reservations. I confront her about it and she calls it BS and if I wanted to marry her I would deal with it bc she deals with things I do (I chew and smoke occasionally). I just don't put the two things on that same level. She says she's alone bc I work so much and blames that on the drinking too. Her drinking has pushed me away emotionally, passionately and romantically. We used to be wild for each other and now it's hard for me to get excited for her when she's drunk or drinking. The smell of Jager just turns me off.

I'm drained and need some advice. I love her but I'm scared this is dark path we are heading down that's only going to get worse.

Thanks in advance

Addiction controls a person. Well it did for me. No one could change me- until I was prepared to stop drinking. You cannot control others. It is crap. Perhaps if you go to al-anon (support for family and SO's) and post in the family and friends section at SR? Dealing with it? Well, I used to say that- it was a diverting technique- not always intentional because I used to convince myself the lies I told were truth. I did not want to accept I was an alcoholic.
Empathy and support to you.

Way too much drama for me. Sex might have been great but the rest is a mess. Need to weight the two side by side. Me? Great sex always won out.

Fortunately, my wife doesn't drink much. God only knows how much I screwed up over the past 40 years but I did marry well. That's one thing I can say.

Sorry to hear about your situation.
A determination of alcoholism can only be made by an individual. Only an individual can say they find themselves drinking even when they feel they honestly don't want to.
It sounds like you have a real concern/ problem with the drinking and its consequences. Which is understandable, it's hard to believe the consequences would not be present if the drinking continues.
Alcoholism isn't some kind of pass that allows people to force others to put up with unwanted consequences.

This *is* going down a dark path.

No more than 10 sober days since the new year? That is obviously a problem for you, and I don't blame you. I wouldn't want a partner for whom it is so difficult to be emotionally present either.

But it doesn't seem to be a problem for her, and there's the issue. Your love won't make her sober. She has stated that you having a problem with how much she drinks is something you just have to live with. She doesn't get to decide what you can live with.

We don't always get happily ever after with people we love. Sometimes we're ready for that at a time when someone else isn't, and it sounds like your girlfriend has a very long way to go. The only question is how long are you willing to wait for her to catch up?

You deserve a present partner who can deal with life on life's terms. I can't say whether or not she will ever move past this, but she has made it clear that right now, it isn't even her intent to.

Today I am 208 days sober after 27 years of daily drinking.

23 years ago I was drunk in a bar and I met my wife, who was also drunk. We have been married almost 20 years and during those years we got drunk together everyday.

In 2013 I tried to quit drinking but my wife continued on drinking - I lasted 4 months - I had to start drinking again to save the marriage.

7 months ago I had a nervous breakdown - the drinking got the best of me and I hit rock bottom. I now go to AA and have found a new way of life. My wife continues to drink and gets drunk most days.

My number one priority is to stay sober. I pray everyday that my wife will realize how better my life is sober and I hope that she will join me. I realize too that their is a possibility that we will grow apart as I continue a sober life and she continues drinking everyday.

I do not want to separate from my wife but I will not go back to that awful way of life, living inside a bottle.

I have put this issue in God's hands - however it plays out I will accept.

All I can do is stay sober and set an example for my wife.

with everything you say, i cant understand why you would want to marry. have you looked why you want to marry? you say you have been pushed away emotionally,passionatley, and romantically, yet you want to marry?

ive been on both sides of the fence- the alcoholic destroying relationship, taking hostages, and playing the victim.
when i was that, the best move anyone around me made was to toss me to the curb. i was only going to do what i could to drag them down with me.
in fact, it was my fiance tossin me to the curb that led me to recovery. she became my ex the night of my last drunk and i dont blame her or anyone else for tossin me out of their lives.

when i got on the other side of the fence- in recovery and into a relationship with a chronic relapsing alcoholic/addict, it was nothing but insanity. it didnt matter what i said or did, everything going on with her was my fault.no matter what i did or said, she wasnt going to get clean and sober unless she WANTED to.
i had to make a decision- live with the misery, keep getting blamed for her misery. keep waking up every morning saying,'whats it going to be today". plus a LOT of other insanity.
or
end the relationship.
i chose option 2. it was hard and quite chaotic for a while. plus it hurt.
but eventually, by working on me and finding out why i allowed it ti happen, i healed.

"I'm drained and need some advice. I love her but I'm scared this is dark path we are heading down that's only going to get worse. '
yes, If you stick around, YOU will join in the downward spiral. you dont have to allow that to happen to YOU.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it

i encourage you to head over to the friends and family forum here and do some reading. theres some great stickies at the top of the forum, plus MANY more people that have been in your shoes with a LOT of experience,strength, and hope for you.
LOTS of great knowledge and advise over there.

If it were me, I would not marry her until/unless she gets sober. Her drinking will drag you down. You can let go, or be dragged. :(

She is displaying classic alcoholic traits, blaming you for her drinking. And as time goes on, it will only get worse. How much are you willing to tolerate?

That's the question. Never easy to break up especially over the one issue. Unfortunately the issue in this case is major. Don't know if I would recommend breaking up just yet but any talk of marriage...

Forget it.

I feel like I put up with a lot. I know I'm not perfect and I know I may over react about it too much but she just doesn't see my side of it. I guess they never do (I grew up with an alc/addict step father). She has been to her pastor and tried to seek help but I think it was more for me and she wanted to make me think she really wanted to quit. She promised me she would never touch it again and 3 days later would be at the bottom of the bottle again. I'm stuck in a hard place. If I bitch she throw in my face about how I don't love her anymore or don't want to be with her. If I let it be, I sometimes don't even want to go home after work bc I don't know what I'm gonna come home too. I love her, I want to be there for her but my stress level is maxed out and I feel like a ***** if I just walk away and not be there to try and help her. Yes I understand I can't make her change and she has to want to but it a damn hard

That seems to be all the talk lately. And when I tell her what bothers me about it she blows up. Says I'm using her drinking as a scapegoat for not committing. Then it makes me think am I? I know it's not but I grew up with that and I don't want to go through it

This isn't really one issue...it affects everything. Trust, intimacy, recreation, finances, health...I can't think of an aspect of married life it won't impact eventually.

Protect yourself, especially financially and health-wise, if you're not ready to break up. Especially make sure to avoid pregnancy. Fetal alcohol syndrome is a real possibility here and having a child will bind you permanently.

It's not likely a coincidence that you grew up in an alcoholic home and now find yourself in a relationship with an alcoholic. Many of us subconsciously sought to repeat an unresolved relationship with an addict parent through a romantic relationship as an adult.

You are not condemned to having to repeat this cycle. You can walk away from it at any time and no one has to validate your reasoning. However I will add that it is worth exploring in therapy any unresolved issues from your childhood as the son of an addicted parent or you might find yourself repeating this same relationship over and over again.

I didn't deal with being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic until I had several disastrous relationships under my belt, and I hurt a lot of people along the way. I had to learn about how to have boundaries, and how to take good care of myself no matter what bad choices other people made. I had to learn that I was worth more than I could ever get from a relationship with an active addict.

And FYI, her drinking IS a perfectly good reason for not committing. It is a major problem and one that she doesn't seem interested in addressing herself. That does not mean YOU have to deal with it.

Have you thought about moving out but not necessarily breaking up? You may end up enabling her behaviors as long as you are around for damage control.

Tuna,

From a drunks point of view, we will say whatever we need to so folks will leave us be so we can get drunk.

Please **** us off so we have an excuse to get hammered.

This is exactly how I was. My sweet wife is a real tough nut. She is so forgiving as well. She would nag me, enable me, ignore me etc. She never left me.

When I was ready to quit, after I nearly drank myself insane, she was happy. I am pretty sure she expects me to someday relapse.

Anyway, your girl will stop when she is ready or forced to because of life altering circumstances. Some folk can't stop and drink themselves to death.

This booze thing is no joke. It is a killer. I believe before someone drinks themselves to death, they go mad. No sane person, of otherwise normal disposition, would intentionally kill themselves.

I offer, show your girl this website. Beg her for 5 minutes. Plant the seed. Maybe education will be enough for her to see the spell of addiction she is under.

Thanks.

I have, many times lately but it scares me of the spiral it will cause. I have left out she has a 4 year old that mainly lives with us that I am very close with. She's a great mom and does everything she can to be great. She is not abusive by any means physically but her temper when she's drunk causes her to kind of lose control verbally and emotionally. I feel like I'm painting her as a monster and she's not I just can't handle the drinking and the feel like I'm losing her over it

I'm sorry, but if she really did "everything she can to be great" she would figure out a way to stop drinking and being emotionally and verbally abusive.

I grew up with an alcoholic with a temper for a mother who never hit us and I have spent the last 13 years untangling the catastrophic mess that was my self-esteem because of it, and the 12 years before that methodically destroying every good relationship in my life with my learned-at-home codependency.

She won't spiral if you leave. She *may* use your leaving as an excuse to spiral, but that is on her.

I know she isn't a monster. But she is not a healthy relationship partner right now either, and she has a very long way to go before she can be.

Hi Tuna. Sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found us.

I would suggest that (esp with your family background) you look into the options available to you locally to educate yourself about traits of codependency. AlAnon or CoDa could be good options for you for this, and for support regarding your partner / relationship, and how to make healthy boundaries and stick to them.

As you are finding out, you cannot change your partners drinking. Although I do wonder if you're actually buying her rationalisation and blaming that insinuate that you're the cause of it. You are not. Neither is her bereavement. Her drinking does nothing to change or solve either problem. Her drinking on these things is more likely dues to the fact that her alcoholic thinking has her label alcohol with the word 'Solution' rather than 'Problem'. It all gets a bit chicken and egg for us Alcoholics when we're active in our addiction. Lots of crazy-head thinking going going on. And while we can avoid the consequences of the chaos we're creating by bull-pooping and rationalising the longer we continue.

I would really strongly suggest that you post this dilemma of yours in the Friends and Family area as well. Those folk in there are likely to give you some pretty straight advice along with examples of their own experiences.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Prayers and best wishes to you for a happy and secure future, and for your girlfriend to see the light and realise that there are better ways to live.

BB

Sure but this all falls under the affects of alcoholism. The woman in question appears to be a good mother and the OP doesn't seem to have any other issues with her and why he's having a hard deciding what to do.

Unfortunately, marrying an active alcoholic can be a receipt for disaster. Even if she decides to seek treatment I'd recommend taking a lot of time and not jumping into marriage.

I got sober maybe three years before my marriage. My wife or girlfriend at the time unlike the OP had enough of my drinking and left.

But having her pack up and leave was just one of many personal disaster in my life at the time. So, I decided to check out AA and maybe do something about my drinking.

My reasons for walking into the rooms of AA weren't solely to get her back. I'd become sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'd had enough. I got sober for myself.

Another thing to consider: After I got sober I found myself not in a hurry to marry. Without the on-going drama related to drinking my life was changing.

It might be wise for the OP and his lady friend to view their relationship in a lengthy sober light before making any long-term commitment.

Best of luck.