Finally ready and need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Greeley, CO
Posts: 21
Finally ready and need support
I've been thinking about quitting drinking for over 2 years and have tried to decrease my drinking so many times. Recently I've told myself I will only drink on weekends and that when I drink I will only have 2-3 drinks. Well, of course that never happens. The last few times I've gone out, I've gotten completely wasted and have said and done things I feel so terrible about later and just feel so embarrassed. I know I can't regulate my drinking and it is just better and easier for me to not start drinking at all.
I'm in graduate school and all of my classmates/friends go out so often after class and on weekends. I feel like if I don't go I'll start missing out on making and keeping friendships. But the rate I'm going at I'm going to lose this friends anyways because I always end up making a fool of myself when I get more drunk than everyone else in the bunch. I'm finally just ready to be done, but I need some support. I really don't have any coping skills or don't even know what to do in social situations when others are drinking.
I'm in graduate school and all of my classmates/friends go out so often after class and on weekends. I feel like if I don't go I'll start missing out on making and keeping friendships. But the rate I'm going at I'm going to lose this friends anyways because I always end up making a fool of myself when I get more drunk than everyone else in the bunch. I'm finally just ready to be done, but I need some support. I really don't have any coping skills or don't even know what to do in social situations when others are drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
the old saying those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind comes to mind when you mention yoru concerns about loosing friends.
it does sound like you got a good idea tho whats up when you mention you dont seem to have coping skills or dont even know what to do in social situations with others drinking.
I lacked coping skills when i quit drinking at almost 6 years sober i can honestly say while i've made heeps of progress i still struggle with coping skills now and then. For me when it comes to social situations with others drinking it hasnt really been an issue and i usually try to avoid the istuation. But recently iw as forced to face it i was very worried in the end it was no big deal and i got thorugh it just fine.
Kudos tho for deciding to quit its gonna do you a world of good!
it does sound like you got a good idea tho whats up when you mention you dont seem to have coping skills or dont even know what to do in social situations with others drinking.
I lacked coping skills when i quit drinking at almost 6 years sober i can honestly say while i've made heeps of progress i still struggle with coping skills now and then. For me when it comes to social situations with others drinking it hasnt really been an issue and i usually try to avoid the istuation. But recently iw as forced to face it i was very worried in the end it was no big deal and i got thorugh it just fine.
Kudos tho for deciding to quit its gonna do you a world of good!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Greeley, CO
Posts: 21
Thanks zjw. My birthday is tomorrow and I'm hanging out with a friend who has been one of my drinking buddies. I know she will probably suggest we grab drinks. I was trying to think of what to say so we don't have to drink and so I can avoid that situation. I think I will just suggest doing something else, but I also know I will have to start identifying as a non-drinker so others are going to have to know at some point if I want support from others.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
early in the game i'd just say I'm not up for drinking lets do this or that. it can be difficult in the begining becuase no matter how much you scream it theres gonna be those around you that are like yeah sure you'll come back to the bottle etc.. I dealt with that myself more with cigarettes. When talked with people later they said they never every thought they'd see me without a cigarette in my mouth. they said it was just so much a part of who i was they never thought they'd see the day that i'd quit. its the same with beer too. It really took a while for other peoples idea of who i was or am to catch up with what i now was or am.
Some folks didnt stick around for the ride either. and other folks i met up with after the fact.
I think if i had to think about one key thing between my friends then vs my friends now is my firends now are a bit more positive. I didnt exactly go out of my way looking for more positive influences either. And I think about it and i'm someone who really needs other positive folks in my life vs negative folks. There is nothing wrong with negative folks in my mind but I can be so downright negarive myself that i could use this other perspective often that other positive people tend to provide for me.
so as your friendships change over time and such it could be for the better even tho it can seem like its kinda crappy at the time.
Some folks didnt stick around for the ride either. and other folks i met up with after the fact.
I think if i had to think about one key thing between my friends then vs my friends now is my firends now are a bit more positive. I didnt exactly go out of my way looking for more positive influences either. And I think about it and i'm someone who really needs other positive folks in my life vs negative folks. There is nothing wrong with negative folks in my mind but I can be so downright negarive myself that i could use this other perspective often that other positive people tend to provide for me.
so as your friendships change over time and such it could be for the better even tho it can seem like its kinda crappy at the time.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Glad to hear you've made the decision to quit for good nme13. I fought that battle for years - trying to "moderate" either the frequency, amounts or types of alcohol I consumed...but it never worked.
Coming here is a great idea - and i'm glad you recognize that you need support and coping skills....that's really the crux of the matter. Most of us used alcohol as a way to try and escape facing life or coping with issues, but of course in the end it actually makes them worse.
Regarding your immediate question about your birthday weekend - I think suggesting something other than drinking is a good idea. You don't need to "idendify yourself as a non-drinker" to anyone but yourself. As alcoholics, it is a very common misconception that other people care about our drinking habits. We are really the only ones that obsess about them, other people don't care for the most part or even notice. One thing you will find out though is who your true friends are. The ones that support your decision to quit are your true friends, and the few who might hassle you about it are really just "drinking buddies". Getting sober does require some major changes in our life, and even a change in some of the people we hang out with. But the good news is that alcoholics are by far the minority, so MOST people go about their lives without alcohol as the central focus.
Stick around here and ask lots of questions...maybe consider joining the class of May thread over in the newcomers daily thread section too.
Coming here is a great idea - and i'm glad you recognize that you need support and coping skills....that's really the crux of the matter. Most of us used alcohol as a way to try and escape facing life or coping with issues, but of course in the end it actually makes them worse.
Regarding your immediate question about your birthday weekend - I think suggesting something other than drinking is a good idea. You don't need to "idendify yourself as a non-drinker" to anyone but yourself. As alcoholics, it is a very common misconception that other people care about our drinking habits. We are really the only ones that obsess about them, other people don't care for the most part or even notice. One thing you will find out though is who your true friends are. The ones that support your decision to quit are your true friends, and the few who might hassle you about it are really just "drinking buddies". Getting sober does require some major changes in our life, and even a change in some of the people we hang out with. But the good news is that alcoholics are by far the minority, so MOST people go about their lives without alcohol as the central focus.
Stick around here and ask lots of questions...maybe consider joining the class of May thread over in the newcomers daily thread section too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by nme13 
I'm in graduate school and all of my classmates/friends go out so often after class and on weekends. I feel like if I don't go I'll start missing out on making and keeping friendships. But the rate I'm going at I'm going to lose this friends anyways because I always end up making a fool of myself when I get more drunk than everyone else in the bunch. I'm finally just ready to be done, but I need some support. I really don't have any coping skills or don't even know what to do in social situations when others are drinking.
Once you make an a$$ out yourself in front of others its impossible to un-ring that bell. I can't tell you the regret I have, and the true friends (not drinking buddies) that I've lost by acting a fool when drinking. I cringe as I type it out right now.
Congrats on deciding to quit. The decision to stay sober will be worth a thousand graduate degrees.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Greeley, CO
Posts: 21
Thank you all, I so greatly appreciate your support and am glad I've made up my mind but I know sticking to the decision is going to be hard. I asked me friend to go to a state park instead for my birthday with me, so that will be much more enjoyable any ways. I'm looking forward to a sober day.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by nme13
Thank you all, I so greatly appreciate your support and am glad I've made up my mind but I know sticking to the decision is going to be hard. I asked me friend to go to a state park instead for my birthday with me, so that will be much more enjoyable any ways. I'm looking forward to a sober day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 232
Yep, its a struggle no doubt about it. I'm an alcoholic and I always believe I could moderate but it never happens. It always turns into a day and night binge that will last for days, where I miss work and end up in the ER
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Originally Posted by nme13
...don't even know what to do in social situations when others are drinking.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I remember thinking " how can I be the fun, outgoing, chatty party girl that I am without a drink." Later I realised that this was flawed thinking. I was NOT a fun, outgoing, chatty party girl. I just felt like that's what I should be. Who I wanted to be. Thing is, wearing that facade had taken me to some lonely and downright dangerous places. And over the years I'd forgotten who I actually WAS.
Sobriety has been, for a large part, about rediscovering who I am. What I like. Letting others get used to the quieter, more sensitive and serious person that I am. Some friends have weathered the changes, and were keen to meet up and do something other than booze. I have reconnected with some old pre-drinking friends (the ones who weren't too keen on the big drunk show-off loudmouth flirty Berry and had disappeared), and my relationship with my mother and brother is more positive now than ever in adult life. I've made some amazing friends who are also alcoholics in recovery, and these are the people who understand me best. (If i am at a loss in some situation I close my eyes and imagine being in my favourite meeting with my AA clan and just that can give me strength). Some friends turned out to just be friends with drunk Berry, and as much as I no longer have anything to offer them, I have also found that they have nothing I want or need either. No big fallings out. Just a gradual fizzle out of friendship in those cases. Most importantly, nowadays I like myself. I can care for and nurture myself, and don't wake up with shame and self-loathing. I don't need to be constantly doing stuff or with others to avoid being alone with Berry. That's a good feeling!
In social situations nowadays I am happy to just be me. The quiet me. The sensitive me. The slightly serious me. And I don't owe anyone anything more than that. I don't owe them entertaining, or outrageous, or witty, or sexy, or comedic. And for the most part, they don't actually want or expect it. It was just my own fear and ego telling me that they did.
Maybe give yourself time to find out who you are. See which of your freinds are happy to go for a hike, or a meal, or do some sport or visit a wildlife sanctuary or do some voluntary work together or whatever. Maybe make some new sober freinds by getting to some meetings and linking up with people who can understand you.
There are options. Things can get better.
Rooting for you.
BB
Sobriety has been, for a large part, about rediscovering who I am. What I like. Letting others get used to the quieter, more sensitive and serious person that I am. Some friends have weathered the changes, and were keen to meet up and do something other than booze. I have reconnected with some old pre-drinking friends (the ones who weren't too keen on the big drunk show-off loudmouth flirty Berry and had disappeared), and my relationship with my mother and brother is more positive now than ever in adult life. I've made some amazing friends who are also alcoholics in recovery, and these are the people who understand me best. (If i am at a loss in some situation I close my eyes and imagine being in my favourite meeting with my AA clan and just that can give me strength). Some friends turned out to just be friends with drunk Berry, and as much as I no longer have anything to offer them, I have also found that they have nothing I want or need either. No big fallings out. Just a gradual fizzle out of friendship in those cases. Most importantly, nowadays I like myself. I can care for and nurture myself, and don't wake up with shame and self-loathing. I don't need to be constantly doing stuff or with others to avoid being alone with Berry. That's a good feeling!
In social situations nowadays I am happy to just be me. The quiet me. The sensitive me. The slightly serious me. And I don't owe anyone anything more than that. I don't owe them entertaining, or outrageous, or witty, or sexy, or comedic. And for the most part, they don't actually want or expect it. It was just my own fear and ego telling me that they did.
Maybe give yourself time to find out who you are. See which of your freinds are happy to go for a hike, or a meal, or do some sport or visit a wildlife sanctuary or do some voluntary work together or whatever. Maybe make some new sober freinds by getting to some meetings and linking up with people who can understand you.
There are options. Things can get better.
Rooting for you.
BB
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