Where I am Today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 5
Where I am Today
It's been almost 3 years since I've visited this forum. I had just finished in-patient rehab and was attending a day program. Things were okay, I guess.
It'll be 3 years next month since I hit the most bottom I was able to tolerate.
I lasted EXACTLY one year sober. On the anniversary of my sobriety, after already having grown tired of AA, not finding a "community", and stalling on the 4th step, I was on a vacation in Boston. I had a beer at dinner. My girlfriend cried at the table, scared and disappointed. I was afraid to touch the glass but, being stubborn, and an alcoholic, I drank it.
Of course the drinking became more frequent afterwards. Not immediately, but over the following year it progressed.
This year, the third, there have been periods where I've been drinking everyday. And I mean, I drink. I can down up to a 750ml bottle of whatever in a night. My previous tolerance was even higher. I try to be sneaky but she always knows. I like ice in my drinks so if she hears me clinking and tinkling back and forth to the kitchen she immediately assumes I'm drinking.
But a few months ago I started noticing that I did not feel good. I was very depressed and very anxious. I went to a new doctor and as soon as she came in the room and asked me how I was I just started bawling. I was tired all the time, my heart was racing, there were palpitations, my blood pressure had never been so high. Doing anything was exhausting and left me short of breath.
Nothing much came from that, there's never anything really physically wrong with me, ever, but after some blood tests she did convince me to see a psychiatrist.
After talking to him for about an hour and telling him about my drinking and my symptoms he said, "do they generally start around the same time every day?"
Huh?
"When do you start thinking about having a drink during the day? I think you're suffering from withdrawal."
Here's the thing: I didn't have physical withdrawal symptoms when I first got sober so I didn't think I would have them now. But if I learned anything from rehab it was that when you go back to drinking your body is different, you will react differently, and you'll reach that bottom much faster than you did the first time.
My psychiatrist pointed out that my antidepressant isn't working because I'm basically voiding it with alcohol. Duh. Since then we've added Naltrexone which is helping some; I'm not drinking every day, more like every other day. Which is a start.
The thing is, when I'm sitting here during the day, after finally dragging myself out of bed and getting to work, I'll tell myself I'm fine. I will be fine.
Then, at night, when it's 11pm or midnight and I can't sleep because I either haven't been drinking or because I know there's more drinking to do, I feel miserable and I want to die (ideation, not planning).
In the morning, when I hit the snooze button over and over until I just start adding 30 more minutes at a time, I feel miserable. I should be at work no later than 10am but lately I've been coming in after 11. The feeling is shame.
Anyway, what's my point?
I'm in a new city but still haven't tried any AA meetings here. Plus I feel that I'll end up being disappointed there anyway. The psychiatrist said maybe I should try SMART, but I don't know. I've looked into it a little but it's not really grabbing me, either.
I just turned 40. I want to be healthy, I know I can't continue on the way I'm going, but the sense of urgency is lacking. I don't have family or friends, I don't have money to waste on this addiction... but still, there's no motivation.
I know I need help. But do I want it? The story of my life.
If you have any advice or comments please feel free to share. If you want to give me the "you have to want to help yourself" speech, have at it.
And if you bothered to read this whole thing, thank you. I hope to see you around.
-Jen
It'll be 3 years next month since I hit the most bottom I was able to tolerate.
I lasted EXACTLY one year sober. On the anniversary of my sobriety, after already having grown tired of AA, not finding a "community", and stalling on the 4th step, I was on a vacation in Boston. I had a beer at dinner. My girlfriend cried at the table, scared and disappointed. I was afraid to touch the glass but, being stubborn, and an alcoholic, I drank it.
Of course the drinking became more frequent afterwards. Not immediately, but over the following year it progressed.
This year, the third, there have been periods where I've been drinking everyday. And I mean, I drink. I can down up to a 750ml bottle of whatever in a night. My previous tolerance was even higher. I try to be sneaky but she always knows. I like ice in my drinks so if she hears me clinking and tinkling back and forth to the kitchen she immediately assumes I'm drinking.
But a few months ago I started noticing that I did not feel good. I was very depressed and very anxious. I went to a new doctor and as soon as she came in the room and asked me how I was I just started bawling. I was tired all the time, my heart was racing, there were palpitations, my blood pressure had never been so high. Doing anything was exhausting and left me short of breath.
Nothing much came from that, there's never anything really physically wrong with me, ever, but after some blood tests she did convince me to see a psychiatrist.
After talking to him for about an hour and telling him about my drinking and my symptoms he said, "do they generally start around the same time every day?"
Huh?
"When do you start thinking about having a drink during the day? I think you're suffering from withdrawal."
Here's the thing: I didn't have physical withdrawal symptoms when I first got sober so I didn't think I would have them now. But if I learned anything from rehab it was that when you go back to drinking your body is different, you will react differently, and you'll reach that bottom much faster than you did the first time.
My psychiatrist pointed out that my antidepressant isn't working because I'm basically voiding it with alcohol. Duh. Since then we've added Naltrexone which is helping some; I'm not drinking every day, more like every other day. Which is a start.
The thing is, when I'm sitting here during the day, after finally dragging myself out of bed and getting to work, I'll tell myself I'm fine. I will be fine.
Then, at night, when it's 11pm or midnight and I can't sleep because I either haven't been drinking or because I know there's more drinking to do, I feel miserable and I want to die (ideation, not planning).
In the morning, when I hit the snooze button over and over until I just start adding 30 more minutes at a time, I feel miserable. I should be at work no later than 10am but lately I've been coming in after 11. The feeling is shame.
Anyway, what's my point?
I'm in a new city but still haven't tried any AA meetings here. Plus I feel that I'll end up being disappointed there anyway. The psychiatrist said maybe I should try SMART, but I don't know. I've looked into it a little but it's not really grabbing me, either.
I just turned 40. I want to be healthy, I know I can't continue on the way I'm going, but the sense of urgency is lacking. I don't have family or friends, I don't have money to waste on this addiction... but still, there's no motivation.
I know I need help. But do I want it? The story of my life.
If you have any advice or comments please feel free to share. If you want to give me the "you have to want to help yourself" speech, have at it.
And if you bothered to read this whole thing, thank you. I hope to see you around.
-Jen
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by jennifa 
...still haven't tried any AA meetings here. Plus I feel that I'll end up being disappointed there anyway. The psychiatrist said maybe I should try SMART, but I don't know. I've looked into it a little but it's not really grabbing me, either.
Can I suggest you at least frequent Sober Recovery, daily if you can, until the motivation to get sober outweighs your uncertainty to quitting.
Forty is young (this coming from a 61 year old who got sober at 53). But do you really want to be posting in five or ten years the same lament about drinking? If not, quit while a spark of desire is there inside.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Welcome back, Jennifa 
I hope you stick around this time because this website is full of gold!
I have never used a program other than reading and posting here on SR.
Read and post, post and read and then do it some more
I hope to see you around
I hope you stick around this time because this website is full of gold!
I have never used a program other than reading and posting here on SR.
Read and post, post and read and then do it some more
I hope to see you around
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Hi. Welcome. I'm pretty new. (To both problem drinking, 4years and trying to get sober, 2years and today I gave a week, so there's that) And I'm about to be 40.
In the last 4 years I drank myself into:
High BP
Hypothyroidism
Type II Diabetes
Pancreatitis
Fatty liver disease
These are not only not fun, but very costly. Esp. with no insurance.
I hope you get back to where you were so that you never experience these things. Also so that your GF sticks around. My relationship is hanging on by a thread.
I have zero answers for you (or myself) but I do know there is no words of wisdom at the bottom of that bottle.
I fell down 3/4 of a flight of stairs last week. If I died? Meh. If I was a quadraplegic? Might have put a damper on my liquor store runs. When I had wherewithall to ask what my BAC was 2 days after I was in the hospital (I called EMS, and remember *nothing for 48 hours) I was told .38. 4.75 Xs legal limit.
Feel free to borrow my bottom. If we want our misery back I'm assured it will be refunded.
Good luck to us all!
J
In the last 4 years I drank myself into:
High BP
Hypothyroidism
Type II Diabetes
Pancreatitis
Fatty liver disease
These are not only not fun, but very costly. Esp. with no insurance.
I hope you get back to where you were so that you never experience these things. Also so that your GF sticks around. My relationship is hanging on by a thread.
I have zero answers for you (or myself) but I do know there is no words of wisdom at the bottom of that bottle.
I fell down 3/4 of a flight of stairs last week. If I died? Meh. If I was a quadraplegic? Might have put a damper on my liquor store runs. When I had wherewithall to ask what my BAC was 2 days after I was in the hospital (I called EMS, and remember *nothing for 48 hours) I was told .38. 4.75 Xs legal limit.
Feel free to borrow my bottom. If we want our misery back I'm assured it will be refunded.
Good luck to us all!
J
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome back Jenifa
As usual Carl gets right to the meat of the matter.
I wasted a lot of years kinda sorta not really wanting to quit and then being terrified to quit.
I wish I had those years back now.
D
As usual Carl gets right to the meat of the matter.
I wasted a lot of years kinda sorta not really wanting to quit and then being terrified to quit.
I wish I had those years back now.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,670
hi Jen, welcome. Your reminder about a-d's reminded me to take it today (always do). Does not mix with booze, no. I get the feelings at night- I ghost SR most nights with the tv for noise. So many threads and narratives to learn from. I did SMART (still do the AA thing). SMART has the focus of what worked in the last 7 days (imo) how some one is coping- what worked and did not. What are goals for next week. AA more has a one share- one person - a true 'meeting'. Which is good. SMART encourages group participation- active contribution ('I had a feeling like that, I did this...') so the group learns and supports each other by sharing. Also SMART has no sponsors or references to a higher power. It is right here, right now on the ground stuff. I found it useful.
Keep posting and sharing. PJ
Keep posting and sharing. PJ
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Welcome back Jennifa. I'm Wayne.
Here's my take on it. I think you'll quit drinking when the pain exceeds the pleasure of drinking. That's how it was for me at least. I found ways of timing my hangovers and missing work without losing my business. My whole life centered around alcohol. When to drink, when not to drink. That's all that mattered. Eventually it turned on me and stopped working. That's what alcoholism does. It's progressive. It's a deadly insidious progressive disease that if given the opportunity, it will end your life. It's a fact. Period.
So here's my suggestion. Quit drinking now before it's too late. Think about the natural progression of the disease. Don't put yourself thru 15 years of agony only to develop medical symptoms associated with alcoholism and possible death.
Pray about it, it helped me, hopefully it can help you as well.
Here's my take on it. I think you'll quit drinking when the pain exceeds the pleasure of drinking. That's how it was for me at least. I found ways of timing my hangovers and missing work without losing my business. My whole life centered around alcohol. When to drink, when not to drink. That's all that mattered. Eventually it turned on me and stopped working. That's what alcoholism does. It's progressive. It's a deadly insidious progressive disease that if given the opportunity, it will end your life. It's a fact. Period.
So here's my suggestion. Quit drinking now before it's too late. Think about the natural progression of the disease. Don't put yourself thru 15 years of agony only to develop medical symptoms associated with alcoholism and possible death.
Pray about it, it helped me, hopefully it can help you as well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by jennifa
Here's the thing: I didn't have physical withdrawal symptoms when I first got sober so I didn't think I would have them now. But if I learned anything from rehab it was that <b>when you go back to drinking your body is different, you will react differently, and you'll reach that bottom much faster than you did the first time.</b>
I had been completely dry for over 3 1/2 years and all it took was a picking up that first drink, then trying to stop cold turkey after the following 5-6 week bender that withdrawals were horrific.
Hopefully anyone that may be thinking of having a few after any significant length of sobriety will see these posts. That said, I think someone would have to experience it to understand how terrible it can be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I dunno my 2 cents you sound a bit depressed about the whole ordeal etc... I'd becareful becuase that depression etc.. can have you running right back to the bottle but its the same stuff thats causing it.
I got sober and had a lot of problems but drinknig wasnt one of them or so i thought. I was stupid I had no idea it was like the main culprit the whole time.
You at least recognize the issue here mayeb it just seems so daunting to quit etc...?
I'd try and keep it simple your at this site thats a good start go for a day at a time or an hour at a time go easy on yourself.
I never went to AA myself untill a year after i quit. (remember I didnt have a drinking problem) it wasnt until then that i started to realize that drinking really was my issue. My point is i had a whole year of sobriety with little to no help. So it can be done. But I'll also say that getting some help probably woulda been a wise idea in my case and if i had to do it again i assuming i could get past my stubbornness i'd certain want some help.
So i dunno if its good to beat yoruself up over what you could be doing or what you could have done. You could also be looking at what you are doing and be happy with that. IE coming here posting seeing a phsyciatrist etc..
Take it a step at a time and be care with the what if games they can be a real killer.
I got sober and had a lot of problems but drinknig wasnt one of them or so i thought. I was stupid I had no idea it was like the main culprit the whole time.
You at least recognize the issue here mayeb it just seems so daunting to quit etc...?
I'd try and keep it simple your at this site thats a good start go for a day at a time or an hour at a time go easy on yourself.
I never went to AA myself untill a year after i quit. (remember I didnt have a drinking problem
) it wasnt until then that i started to realize that drinking really was my issue. My point is i had a whole year of sobriety with little to no help. So it can be done. But I'll also say that getting some help probably woulda been a wise idea in my case and if i had to do it again i assuming i could get past my stubbornness i'd certain want some help. So i dunno if its good to beat yoruself up over what you could be doing or what you could have done. You could also be looking at what you are doing and be happy with that. IE coming here posting seeing a phsyciatrist etc..
Take it a step at a time and be care with the what if games they can be a real killer.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
The shame, the guilt, the suicidal thoughts. Sounds very familiar to me. The psychiatrist, the Naltrexone, that sounds familiar to me as well. The GF crying, yes even that is too familiar.
I am glad you came here, I read every post when I joined. Went back to the beginning and read and read. I cannot tell you how to get sober, but I can tell you how absolutely wonderful I feel now that I am a year sober. The guilt, shame, suicidal feelings, depression, lack of energy, disappointment from friends and family, disappointment in myself, damaged health, and loss of money, it all goes away.
You must get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You must want sobriety more than anything else and be willing to do anything to be sober. It must be your highest priority. You cannot do this alone, post here, read here, and seriously consider AA or some other method. What did you learn in rehab? what did you forget from rehab? You did this once, why did you start again? Thought you could control it. You know now what we all do, we cannot control or moderate ourdrinking. My best advice to you is that you never pick up that first drink.
I am glad you came here, I read every post when I joined. Went back to the beginning and read and read. I cannot tell you how to get sober, but I can tell you how absolutely wonderful I feel now that I am a year sober. The guilt, shame, suicidal feelings, depression, lack of energy, disappointment from friends and family, disappointment in myself, damaged health, and loss of money, it all goes away.
You must get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You must want sobriety more than anything else and be willing to do anything to be sober. It must be your highest priority. You cannot do this alone, post here, read here, and seriously consider AA or some other method. What did you learn in rehab? what did you forget from rehab? You did this once, why did you start again? Thought you could control it. You know now what we all do, we cannot control or moderate ourdrinking. My best advice to you is that you never pick up that first drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 5
Thank you to everyone who has replied. I'm actually overwhelmed by all of your words. I don't think I actually expected anyone to respond or care. I've been pretty lonely for a long time.
That's about all I can manage to say right now. Truly overwhelmed and touched. Thank you.
That's about all I can manage to say right now. Truly overwhelmed and touched. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
We're very happy you're back, Jen.
Because you are asking for advice, I will offer some simple recommendations.
I would go back to AA and try to listen and look for similarities (FWIW, you and I have plenty, based on your story).
I would get a sponsor and start working the steps.
I would volunteer to do some chores.
The purpose of AA is to help us get and stay sober and live rewarding lives.
The fact that you grew tired of it is immaterial.
You should just do it, and not worry about whether you like it.
I am confident that you ultimately will like it, but only your willingness to stick with it and a little time will tell.
When I went through treatment (as it was called back then), they made it a point for me to matriculate into AA.
I couldn't stand the first meeting.
But I was rather light on options at the time (due to a work-related mandate that I not drink again) and kept coming back, volunteering, getting a sponsor and working the steps.
And then I started praying real hard, as I do to this day.
I haven't had a drink since I walked into the treatment center and asked for help.
This is a life or death matter, for you and for me.
I want you to succeed, and this is what has worked for me ever since I sincerely asked for help.
Keep us posted with your progress.
Because you are asking for advice, I will offer some simple recommendations.
I would go back to AA and try to listen and look for similarities (FWIW, you and I have plenty, based on your story).
I would get a sponsor and start working the steps.
I would volunteer to do some chores.
The purpose of AA is to help us get and stay sober and live rewarding lives.
The fact that you grew tired of it is immaterial.
You should just do it, and not worry about whether you like it.
I am confident that you ultimately will like it, but only your willingness to stick with it and a little time will tell.
When I went through treatment (as it was called back then), they made it a point for me to matriculate into AA.
I couldn't stand the first meeting.
But I was rather light on options at the time (due to a work-related mandate that I not drink again) and kept coming back, volunteering, getting a sponsor and working the steps.
And then I started praying real hard, as I do to this day.
I haven't had a drink since I walked into the treatment center and asked for help.
This is a life or death matter, for you and for me.
I want you to succeed, and this is what has worked for me ever since I sincerely asked for help.
Keep us posted with your progress.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Jen, as you can see, tons of good advice already. I can tell you with some degree of confidence that alcohol will slowly destroy your mind and body. The good news is that you can usually recover. I felt the same things you describe and this was unnerving as I "tried" to be in fairly decent shape. Quit about 2 years ago and feel 20 years younger and workout harder than ever. I guess my whole point is this: Its the alcohol. And I hope you can find the strength to quit.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
