Smarie78

I'm trying to understand something I can't. I have an alcoholic in my life who disappears on benders about once a month. He can go days and weeks without drinking and suddenly out of nowhere he is gone, usually to a motel or locked in his room drinking non-stop alone. liters of Mouthwash,vodka everything you can imagine including some things you cannot. I have found him many times and when I do he is soaked in urine and hasn't bathed in weeks and usually crying his eyes out when he sees me and makes out who I am.

I've since stopped looking for him in these circumstances but can someone please help me understand, if you are or were like this, what did you gain? This is an otherwise healthy man who loves life and is always dressed smartly and is incredibly handsome and loves to be clean and enjoys stopping and smelling the roses. I know there is no real logic in addiction, but did you like being in that dark horrible place or you just felt a compulsion to be? I really struggle trying to understand it. It makes more sense to me an alcoholic who is having fun drinking out with his buddies and doesn't want to stop because I at least see the fun aspect of it (even if the end result is disaster but I can at least get it), but what I can't for the life of me grasp is this kind of situation. I want so badly to understand it and I can't.

I know this is not the F&F forum but I really am curious to hear from the horses mouth. What do you gain when you are there if this sounds like you?

biminiblue

SMarie, we're gonna tell you the same thing you've been hearing on F&F for months.

You'll never understand unless you become addicted.

Your BF has so much shame and confusion, I'm sure even he couldn't explain. You cannot "know" another's addiction. It is unique and yet the same.

It's addiction. Here: read:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

It is literally (in their mind) necessary. The same way you can't let go of this destructive behavior...

Smarie78

I am just angry because I cannot understand it. I get the science but I feel so confused even still. I read everything but I can't hold it in my hand. I can't make it stop and I am angry that he has it and I can't do a damn thing about it. I want to crawl inside his mind and feel what I can't. I know this is what everyone feels who loves an addict, but sometimes it just hits me and if I think about it too much I want to throw something. It's futile, I know.

biminiblue

Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.

Let him go.

You'll heal.

JeffreyAK

I think that's all there is, really. I went on multi-day and eventually multi-week benders where I was drunk constantly, and it was always hell trying to come back from them, but I'd do it again eventually until I quit for good.

I think part of it is, once you're deep into a bender, chemical dependency really kicks in strongly. You get depressed and feel ashamed, but you know stopping the bender is going to be hell, and the only escape seems to be, stay drunk. So you stay drunk, until external circumstances, or maybe the last vestiges of your sanity, lead you to decide to end the bender and go through withdrawal. But in the thick of it, you're not thinking rationally or logically, so looking for logical reasons for it isn't really satisfying.

People go on benders repeatedly when they are alcoholics, it's part of set of symptoms for many.

Fly N Buy

Likely he's not going days and weeks without drinking at the stage you describe - but maybe. The book Bim recommends is a very good read. I found it here and read it among others including the Big Book.

Have you considered Al-anon?

Smarie78

Thanks for the words. I know I must let go...I just want to say I am so sorry to everyone who is fighting this. I know there is anger and resentment from your loved ones but we just get so hurt because it is so painful to watch you hurt yourself and we can't do anything to help.

I truly pray every night that you are protected and can fight this horrible disease. I have great compassion for you. I know it's not easy. It's not fair. Please don't give up because there is help out there and so many people who truly love you and want to help you! I'm so sorry this is such a battle.

tomsteve

insanity isn't something that can be understood. theres too many ways it comes out.

onto your question:
What did you gain from a bender?
nothing.

Smarie, another good read,imo, would be the big book of alcoholics anonymous. the chapters,"the doctors opinion", "there is a solution", and" more about alcoholism" may answer some questions you have.

BrendaChenowyth

It hurts you to be with him, you do have to let him go.

Ariesagain

You're still applying logic to insanity...it doesn't compute.

I doubt very much there's a thought process between I NEED and the binge that would go, "let's see...I am currently experiencing emotional and physical stress due to the biochemical impact of my neurons being deprived of addictive substances; therefore I shall repair to the most proximate insect-friendly hotel room forthwith and ingest all of that chemical I physically am capable of."

I was never a binger, more of an every day drinker, but when I said "TO HELL WITH IT WANT NOW" that was the extent of any thinking I did.
A big part of recovery has been teaching myself to take that moment between "I want" and drinking and thinking through the consequences. There doesn't seem to be any evidence that your qualifier is makng any progress in that direction.

If he spends a tenth of the time trying to understand his alcoholism that you do, I'd be shocked. A hundredth, for that matter.

tomsteve

[QUOTE=Smarie78;6445954]Thanks for the words. I know I must let go...I just want to say I am so sorry to everyone who is fighting this. I know there is anger and resentment from your loved ones but we just get so hurt because it is so painful to watch you hurt yourself and we can't do anything to help.

QUOTE]

the feeling is mutual, smarie. we feel bad for the friends and family that are dealing with an active alcoholic and hope and pray ya'll take care of yourselves.

im one of the double winners. didn't know the codie stuff for some time after getting sober.
and it hurt like hell watching someone I loved destroying themselves.
until I let go.
LETTING GO ~

~ To let go doesn't mean to stop caring:
it means I can't do it for someone else.

~ To let go is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that I can't control another.

~ To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

~ To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

~ To let go is not to try to change or blame another;
I can only change myself.

~ To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

~ To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

~ To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

~ To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes,
but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

~ To let go is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.

~ To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

~ To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them

~ To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

~ To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

~ To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

~ To let go is to fear less
and love more.

SparkleKitty

I think you know everything you are ever going to know about addiction, and understand as much as you are ever going to understand.

The only thing left for you to do now is to accept it.

2ndhandrose

Smarie

I almost hesitate to post this but it feels like you could apply this question to yourself?

You are trying to find a logical answer to something you will never get an answer to. Not, at least, one that you will like.

I feel compassion for you and I hope you can find your way out.

Forward12

This is really what needs to be done. Addiction is a horrible thing, and obsessing over why a partner does these things just will drive you mad.
I know you've been posting for quite a while, and appear to still be with him.
The best solution is to move on and work on your own recovery with alanon or other outlets. Codependency is often times on the same level, and sometimes worse than the alcoholic.

SnazzyDresser

Back when I did things like go on benders, I thought I liked the feeling of taking a vacation from life for a few weeks, just checking out and doing whatever I wanted. Telling the world to go to hell and doing my own thing by myself. At least that was some of the misplaced thinking behind it, in addition to just liking being drunk and wanting to stay that way all the time.

I can remember not knowing what day it was or even if it was morning or night and really liking that feeling of being lost.

Dee74

There was no logic behind my decisions ion active addiction.

I know it would bring you some sense of closure if there were smarie, and I'm sorry that there's not.

It's like a periodic insanity where nothing else matters but the best drink.

D

FBL

We do these things because we are SICK. There was no logic behind me drinking until I passed out every single night for 10 years, it's just what I did. Only after getting and staying sober could I gain some perspective on how insane it really was.

heartcore

Once you start, you can't stop.

No matter what that costs.

So you hold strong and don't start, until the sunny/rainy/foggy afternoon when you convince yourself you don't actually have this problem, and you have a drink, and it's on...

Personally, I found that cycle exhausting, but some have more stamina for horror than others!

jazzfish

The best way to put it is that drinking again relieves the feeling of not drinking. When I quit, there would be this tension and discomfort that would grow day after day until I picked up again. I don't even know what the tension and discomfort was, probably just life happening combined with my brain throwing a tantrum. but it was like a rubber band being stretched tighter and tighter. The bender itself had no value to me, it was just the alcoholism running its course after I picked up the first one. But when it was over, I was filled with remorse, pain, and regret and ready to quit again...until the tension grew too great again. No logic, just insanity over and over again.

babycat

There is nothing "real" to gain, but obviously we would do it for a reason. For me, it was that calm, warming sense of euphoria that the first 2-3 drinks brought. But, it was never enough. I just wanted to chase that happy place. But, then it changes. Like others have said, you begin to just try to not go into withdrawal. It s a horrendous and absolutely insane way to live.