Yours is a very common pattern. I was a binge drinker and the only difference between my pattern and yours is I hade less time between binges.

I had no effective mental defense against the fatal first drink. Exactly as you described, I could avoid a drink by thinking of the consequences on occasion. But there were so many times that those thoughts did not come or, if they did, were easily pushed aisde in favor of the insane notion that this time would be different. I found this well explaind in the AA big Book.

I tried AA meetings, counselling, a compulsory stay in the laughing academy, sheltered accomodation, and a number of other things. Nothing worked.

Then, as a last resort, I tried the AA program, actually taking the steps, and never drank again.

Your problem is the same as mine, how to find a totally reliable 24/7 defence against the fatal first drink. I found it through the steps. My sobriety is not dependent on meetings. I have been sober quite a while, been through lifes ups and downs, and it never occurs to me to drink. The problem has been removed.

Rainy,
not fitting in anywhere because of how you drink, you say....i used to think that if i understood why i drank the individual way i did, THEN i could quit. and that understanding it was crucial to quitting.
but it's not.
it's a misplaced focus.
ultimately, it's much more helpful to "fit in" where you and others have a solution to the seeming inability to quit and stay quit.
whether that be AA or via AVRT or SMART or simply peer support or any number of ways....look around and see what people do and what works for them long-term and see if you're willing to follow that.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I couldn't figure out how to reply to each post individually, or thank everyone individually (will have to learn how to use this site) so had to just do one reply.

It is so wonderful to know I have a place now where I can go and ask questions and get help and advise from others who understand.

I had not heard about AVRT before and just ordered a book on Amazon so I can start reading about it. It makes so much sense as it is a voice in my head that tells me I can just have one or two just this once to stop the urges and no one will know. Can't wait to read more about it.

I know AA is a huge help for many and I have tried before many times but never stuck it out. However I will go back and try again.

It is very inspirational to read everyone's stories and encouragement.

Thank you all for your advice and support, I plan to stay here and walk this path together with you from now on.

When it became a life/death situation for me I went to AA. Fear kept me sober because I came within a hair's breath of dying from alcohol. As you can see from the forum, it's good to be around people who understand you completely and have stories you can relate to. God bless!

Dear Rainy AZ,

I am the last person to tell you how to stay sober. I am in almost the exact situation, and I am in Phoenix too:) However, I lost my teenage children long ago, due to my drinking. I am now starting to see my 30 year old son and grandchildren. My 29 year old daughter still won't see me.

Don't make the same mistake that I did...quit now and save your future.

Drinking has taken everything, but my life. And it will gladly take that, if I let it.

Been both a binger, daily and abstainer. The only one that brings any peace, even in difficult circumstances is abstinence. Alcohol brings no joy, its sucks the life out, it crushes the soul. It lies, it causes internal rage. It kills....

With God's help, support from others, believed I was good enough. Practice daily gratitude. Chose to stop killing myself and hurting others. I accepted my alcoholism for what it is. Became aware of triggers, had a plan, took action. I learned to respond and not have a knee jerk reaction to people, places and things.

This changed my mind and behaviour. I learned how to meditate. Deep down I know my body is different. Don't process alcohol like others. I can't stop at one or two 90% of the time. I never knew when something bad would happen. Life wasn't met to be lived being drunk, causing harm to self and others.

Life is met to be lived. Which includes everything. Good, bad, indifferent. Tired of lying to myself about my alcoholism. All the destruction it brings. The truth can set you free!...

Have no doubt that any of us can choose, change and find freedom. You have a place of belonging. It's with us and other's who have addiction issues. You can do this Rainy.

Wow i just made a post about how allmosr the same kind of deal...i can go all week now and not drink then come weekends i get smashed... I can soo relate..idk how to tame the beast the over takes me.. Your not alone!! Stay strong!!

Like others here I started as a binger who progressed to all day everyday drinking.

I identify with the idea that once my on switch is on I can't turn it off.

I also understand very well the desire to be normal and the hope that you might be able to drink 'normally' now..

I think you'll fit in here very well RainyAZ :)

D

I know LOADS of drunks like you. TONS. I have a good friend who could go months without a drink, and then she'd drink and drive and be arrested for child endangerment and land herself in detox OVER AND OVER again. She is not convinced she's alcoholic because she can give it up for months at a time and be fine. She now has an attorney involved in the care of her children. Don't be like her. Stop now.

We're very happy you're taking actions to get sober, Rainy.

I have to do that on a daily basis.

Keep us posted with your progress.

Hows it going RainyAZ?

D

Update
 

I cannot thank you all enough for your replies. It means so much to me to read them all and know how many others can relate and there is a place I can come to. It's so sad to hear some of your stories but also a reality check for me.

Is there a way I can reply to each post?

Well, luckily I haven't got drunk but I can't say I have stopped drinking. I am being very careful but am also aware it is a dangerous game I am playing here (not that it is a game at all). I want to stop but just can't. I need something else in it's place. Seriously I have thought about pot, or the pain killers I still have from when I had breast cancer last year. They would give me the release and calm I am always looking for. But I am scared to take them as I know I would just be switching from one addiction to another.

I have a wonderful councilor and am working with him to help me. I hate that a couple of beers makes me feel like so different and so happy, that feeling is so hard to walk away from.
But I also know at any time that drink is going to become my worst enemy and may even cause my death or worse, make my family suffer. Why do I still do this? I find this so sad and so hard to understand that I know all of this yet I don't stop.

Continuing to play with alcohol will end up in disaster, and trying to self medicate with other drugs will also take you down that same path.
I think AA would be a great option for more support as they are everywhere and all the time. Perhaps hit up a meeting every day for the ones you are not with your therapist.

Exercise gives me the release and calm you speak of. It's the healthiest replacement for alcohol I've found.

I hope you will find your way to recovery Rainy. It's so much better than letting alcohol control one's life.

:tyou

Hey Rainy AZ :)

Yeah not getting drunk is a way of lulling ourselves into a false sense of security that we have some kind of control over this.

It never lasts.
I'm glad you're self aware enough to realise this.

Apart from the counsellor what kinds of things are you doing not to drink at all? what's your plan?

oh, and depending on the device you're using you can reply to individual posts.

I'm on a PC and by pressing quote on the post you can then reply to that post.

to reply to multiple posts (up to 3 at a time) you can press the
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iquote_off.gif button on the first two and then http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tons/quote.gif on the last one

D

Very common (which is a good thing because it means you are not alone!). Lovely, sparkly, handsome successful Alcoholic bf can go weeks and months totallly fine, then boom....nonstop sick bender for days, weeks, no bathing , sitting in his own vomit and urine drinking nail polish remover when the handles of booze run out and he's too blacked out to get to a store.
Alcoholism is insidious. It's the devil. A big part I believe why he has trouble quitting is just that. he believes when the binge is over since he's not craving it he must be fine - that he can control it bc he doesn't want it today. Sure until the next one hits without warning.
Keep posting and reading the boards and you will get some good advice! Also, don't stress too much about replying to each person (unless you want to of course and have more questions!) as there's also a nifty little "Thanks" button if using a desktop :) you can get so many replies it can be hard to get to everyone. Important part is that ppl are listening and ready to help!