Quitting, but spouse Still Drinks. Help
 

I'm restarting Day 1. For those of you who have a husband or wife who still drinks (in my case daily) in front of you, how do you avoid drinking yourself?

My wife still drinks very occasionally, but i have lots of relatives who drink at family gatherings, etc.

For me, the most important part of getting sober was first accepting my addiction. Whether other people around me drink or not is really kind of irrelevant in that respect - temptation is everywhere, all the time. Certainly if it's right in your house it's a lot closer, but it's still just a temptation. The second part that was most important to me was having a solid sobriety plan and working on it every day, which I still do. A "plan" is a very general term, but there are meeting based recovery programs, self paced, books, forums, therapy, rehab, a whole host of things. I think the most important thing is to find one ( or many ) that work and set aside time each and every day to work on it. That will help you remember why you don't drink anymore and give you tools to help when temptation arises.

Regarding your spouse, have you actually had an honest conversation about your desire to quit? And the temptation you are feeling when they drink? It's quite possible that they might be willing to refrain from drinking around you or at least keeping it discrete, in a different fridge, etc. Not always possible but it's a conversation you should at least have if you haven't done so.

We have had that talk. I don't blame him that I relapsed at all. He is cutting back and will quit in his own time, but in the meantime, it does make it difficult when it's in the house. I won't ask him to quit just because I'm quitting because I would resent someone asking me to quit when I'm not ready to.

I just need to find ways to stay strong in the temptation. Like you said, temptation is everywhere.

I in no way blame my husband. I want to make that clear.

I appreciate the tips you gave. I haven't thought about going to meetings, but I may end up doing so at some point. I want to try doing this on my own first, though. I wouldn't be comfortable standing up and talking in a room full of strangers. I'm glad it's helpful for others, but I don't think it would be for me. I'm not saying never, though. Just not right now.

Thanks for the reply! :)

I don't think it is too much to ask of your spouse that they not drink in the home for a few months. Marriage is a partnership - we give some and we take some. Having any booze at all in the house in those early days would have greatly increased the likelihood of failure for me. Quitting was difficult enough - why would I make it even harder on myself?

My spouse drinks. I no longer do. She stopped bring ing it in the house until I told her I was cool with it. I think it was about three months. It worked well.

I really don't think this is too much to ask, and you may need to have a big talk about plans and stuff. I think this is especially important for couples that party together. My wife married a party-guy. Drinking was a major hobby of ours. She could not know that I would slide into an abyss and hence, have to quit.

So, I was honest and gentle with her and she was with me. If I told her today that the beer in the fridge was a problem, she would remove it. -the rules can change, as long as your honest.

I kinda do. ;) Not for your drinking, but for not making an effort to help you by not drinking in front of you and not keeping alcohol in the house. If he has a drinking problem of his own, well, that makes things harder, but now you both have pretty solid evidence for that. Could not speaking up about it and asking him to help you be a passive subconscious plan to relapse?

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies.

I think it's up to my husband if he wants to give it up or not. I think he needs to do it in his own time, not my time.

No, I don't see my not asking him to give it up as an opportunity (subconsciously or otherwise) to relapse. I truly plan on quitting for good.

The reason I posed this question is to find out how others have dealt with quitting when their spouse continues to drink and it's in the house. Obviously having it in the house does make quitting harder, but in my opinion, it's unfair to ask him to give up something he enjoys just because I've decided to.

Thanks again!

Really you need to focus on yourself and not to put too much emphasis on your husband and his drinking. If it is a major concern, you could simply ask him to keep it out of the house, at least for a little while, until you can get your footing.

Thanks Forward12. That's my plan, focus on doing what I need to do. I'll drive to the Mall and walk if I need to in the evenings, or find something else to do. Anything to avoid it. I appreciate your reply.

My husband still drinks and admits to having a problem. He is drinking about a pint a day and is proud if he doesn't drink for one or two days. The only thing saving me, is that I won't drink what he does. He likes bourbon or vodka. Those are not my weaknesses at all.

The hardest part for me, is I feel like I am missing out on the fun. Then when he passes out on the couch by 9pm, I realize I didn't miss anything! I go to bed and wake up feeling great.

I totally know what you mean about feeling like you're left out of the fun (and realizing you haven't really missed out). I quit for a couple of years and felt the same way for a while. I wish I'd never touched the stuff again because this time quitting seems to be a great deal harder.

My husband and I talked a little while ago. He's also wanting to quit. He drinks a good deal more than I do so I'm glad he's not going to quit cold turkey, but gradually, which I think will be much safer for him.

Unfortunately we both enjoy the same drink, rum. I'm determined to give it up though. I felt so much better when not drinking and I want that feeling back.

Thanks for your input CoffeeInstead...great name, btw!

I know this is a little off topic and not the reason you started this thread, but this jumped out at me as it is very similar to my outlook at the moment. I am in no way disrespecting your position (as it is mine too ATM) but I have been thinking that some of my reluctance to try using other recovery tools might be my addiction protecting itself? :dunno:

Other than that, congrats on making a positive decision on quitting. It gets easier as you go along! :c011:

I feel no disrespect in your comment at all. You could possibly be right. I've quit on my own before, so know it's possible. But, I'm not closing my mind completely to reaching out to AA down the road. I'm learning to never say never. But for now I'm going to try this on my own for a while. Thanks so much for your comment! I applaud you, as well! Wishing you the best on your journey, too!

PS I like you're guitar picking singer emoticon.

Thanks. Yeah. It was just something I have been thinking about. Somebody said to me that if you are reluctant to do something in recovery, you should analyze why. It's difficult when you feel you can't trust your own judgement on these things. But it is --- as you say -- better than being close minded.

Question: When you relapsed, did your husband drink with you?

My husband and I stopped drinking together 2 months ago. Hence, we do not have alcohol in our home. He has slipped several times since we stopped drinking. As long as he continues to keep trying, we'll be an alcohol free home.

When I quit, my husband continued to drink. So I can't say he drank with me when I relapsed, more that I drank with him.

He has a plan on quitting now, too. We've talked about it for a while now, so I'm glad he's made this decision. He's working on tapering, while I'm working on cold turkey.

I wish you and your husband the very best in giving it up for good, too!

I look forward to us having an alcohol free home. Those words sound so nice!

Thank you for sharing. :)