noneever

The biggest factor for me was that deep, deep down, I simply didn't want to quit. I told myself I did and then that decision would flip 180 degrees in the blink of an eye. I could moderate! I deserved a drink! I was tired! I was stressed! Bored, lonely, anxious, happy, sad, blah blah blah. Each and every one an excuse to tie one on.
It all stemmed from a deep unwillingness to sit with whatever emotion was there and simple experience it and then move on.

2muchpain

Brenda, there are kinds of reasons why people look for attention. A while back, I was very skilled at getting the kind of attention that held me back and helped to justify my continued use. Then there is the kind of attention that is more positive and productive. Avoiding real connections will just keep you from learning the difference, and with all due respect just a way for you to justify not going to meetings, etc. John

BrendaChenowyth

I never liked meetings, except for the one I used to go to at 10pm (11 Saturday) called Night Owls. I live an hour or more away from that one now.. I have attended some more locally in the past year and didn't like them.. people were not as.. open? as the people at the meetings in the city? Like they did not have a sense of humor at all.

Gottalife

The reason I kept drinking was because I didn't believe, or want to believe I was alcoholic. Being alcoholic meant I could not drink and would have to do a few things I would rather not do, like become rigorously honest. So I followed the great delusion. Even while attending AA, the delusion was still there, and it told me I didn't really need to do all that stuff, as I would be able to find another way out, maybe an easier way where I could still drink.

It wasn't until I got down to the two final choices, live by spiritual principles or face an alcoholic death, that I really understood the seriousness of my situation and became willing to do something about it.

Those early AA's didn't seem to have much trouble with willingness. Like Bob many had searched for a solution and become despondent when none was available. When AA came along, they grabbed it like the drowning grab life preservers.

Up until that point I didn't take any action because I didn't think I needed to, and so I continued to drink. When I ran out of options, I became willing.

FBL

Hang in there, Brenda! Overcoming addiction is not an easy task. Hopefully something you read, hear or see will click. The key for me was the realization that I can never, under ANY circumstances, take that first drink.

BrendaChenowyth

What I'm learning is that I did blame something outside of myself for my relapse.. and what it really comes down to is not taking care of myself, spiritually and physically. I wanted those things to just fall in to place because I have reached a point in sobriety where I felt free from the cravings.. they did come back because I was no longer making my recovery a priority.

BrendaChenowyth

One gentleman, when it was his turn to share, said "You got to quit. If you don't quit, you're gonna die." He also looked like he might soon.

I remember things said in my Night Owls meetings, but I remember smiles and laughter, shared experiences and encouragement.

I've gone to other meetings where I live now and it is a lot of boys and girls the court made to go.. they sit there and put on make up and text while the speaker talks.

It's just different.

I have three weeks here where I will be working less and not in school.. When I get strong urges (not if, when) I will make the drive to the recovery center where my old meetings were. If it gets bad, I'll just head there and wait for the next meeting.

BrendaChenowyth

Actually, I'm probably not gonna do that, drive that far, but I'm realizing I'm closer to some areas where I might be able to find meetings that are a better fit for me...

ScottFromWI

Some posts have been removed from this thread. Please remember that name calling/personal arguments are not allowed in our forums.

JeffreyAK

I haven't relapsed once since my last drink.

Really, I'm not sure I've ever relapsed, in the sense of drinking again after a long period of sobriety where I planned to never drink again. I've failed to quit, or quit for short periods and went back, but those aren't really relapses in that sense. I went through a lot to get to the point of really quitting, but it's been a solid 6+ years since then, and I've never really come close to relapsing.

I think the main reason is, I've kept sobriety at top priority above all other things. And I kept involved with support groups and made sober fellowship part of my new post-drinking life. There are lots of tools involved, thing you learn to help yourself - planning ahead, for example, what you do and don't do in different situations, but I think those would not have worked by themselves, for me. I personally needed the attitude that nothing matters more than sobriety, and the sober support from other folks in similar situations.

OpioPhobe

Brenda - thanks for bringing this topic up.

I knew I was an alcoholic / addict at the time of my relapse and did it anyway. The delusion of moderation / control had gone by the wayside years before.

My life was in a maelstrom at the time. There were several outside factors that I allowed to cause unbearable stress in my life. They were outside my control, but sources of stress nonetheless.

I had painted myself into a corner by trying to handle more things in my life than was possible. I was completely isolated, and had no face-to-face support. There were many character defects that I was acting on at the time that I was completely unaware of. Pride led me to rely solely on willpower. I eventually loaded on more and more stress until I broke down.

Spiritually, I was utterly bankrupt. I hated myself, the world, and everyone in it. I was 99% sure that there was no Higher Power at all. If there was, that would have made matters worse, because I felt forsaken.

In essence, I was in tremendous emotional, mental and spiritual pain. I was at an impasse, and attempted suicide.

Today, things are completely different. Some of the benefit is due to positive changes to outside circumstances (e.g. not being in the presence of my X-wife any more), which relieved a lot of stress. Most of the benefit is due to changes within me though. My perceptions are completely different, and outside events don't cause the kind of stress that they used to. Life still happens, and I still allow myself to get stressed out about things I shouldn't. I have a choice today though, and I my emotions are not solely dependent on outside circumstances like they once were.

Working the steps with my sponsor/sponsees has been the number one factor in my recovery. The change in my perception was a direct result of stepwork. I had tried making those changes in my life by reading literature about alcoholism / addiction, but it wasn't the same as working the steps. Part of the problem for me was that I couldn't identify self-delusions without telling another person exactly what was going on in my head.

By the way, I am halfway through '12 Smart Things To Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone'. I have liked it so far.

Asthecrowflies

This is exactly what got
I was sober on Jan 2nd., really commited to finding a good support system, learbing to deal with the social side of my anxiety, etc... went out with hubby on St. Pattys Day, (note: he has been sober since 1991), and I had a drink to ease my anxiety. Snowballed back into drinking within the week. Havent drank now since Sat night. Reproclaimimg 4/23 (yesterday) as my sobriety date. Never want to feel as crappy as I have the last couple months. Greateful to be sober, amd working through early detox still today...

BrendaChenowyth

I like one of the 12 things that mess up recovery - pursuing recovery with less energy than you pursued your addiction.

It's not the same thing as saying you don't focus on recovery, or you don't put enough energy in to your recovery.. think about how focused you were when it came to your addiction, how much energy you put in to that.. and what would it be like to pursue something good as passionately as you pursued the wrong thing up until now?

Soberwolf

Good idea on finding meetings that are a better fit

I done group therapy with mostly court orders i think there was one or two others there like me attending voluntary but the workers were great if they acted up were late etc they refused entry which means trouble with probation officers - they didn't even allow tea or coffee as it's a stimulant but it was just what i needed ... something to take me outside my comfort zone

Either way i hope today has been ok for you - you got this Brenda

steve-in-kville

Unfortunately, many of us learn this the hard way!

soberlicious

Maybe for you, but for me...quitting drinking is about nothing more than quitting drinking. Learning new coping skills is something I can do if I want to iron out other things in my life, but if I don't iron them out in a timely fashion...or ever, it doesn't mean I will drink. I don't couple those things...on purpose.

Brenda, I drank again after 10 years of abstinence. The reason? A failure to fully identify and separate from my Addictive Voice. Period. I drank for 7 years after that, until I was admitted into the psych ward. I have now passed the 10 year mark of abstinence again and what is different this time is that I reject all the recoveryisms and all the round and round about "you're not doing enough" and the fear of my addiction lying in wait and all the going in circles trying to figure everything out, none of that addressed actually quitting drinking. I wanted to philosophize about everything else but that...why do you think that is? lol because it kept me from doing the one single thing that would end my addiction once and for all... permanent abstinence.

I reject fear and I am 100% confident in my ability to remain permanently abstinent. That's what made a difference for me. I'm not 100% confident in my ability to always handle everything else in my life effectively at all times, because I don't have control over other people or things that happen, but I do have control over whether I drink or not. That's all I need to remain abstinent. The rest will shake out.

Have you read about AVRT yet?

BrendaChenowyth

I think for everybody it is slightly different, but for certain people, and I think I'm one of them, there is more to maintaining sobriety than just abstinence. I personally have lots of emotional work to do.

soberlicious

So what if you can't figure all this out? I have so many things that are deep rooted from my childhood that I may never come to terms with. That's precisely why I separate it from my drinking. If I didn't I'd be locked in an endless cycle of addiction. No thanks. Taking drinking off the table permanently first and foremost, regardless of other issues, is what allows me to work on other things, not the other way around.

ScottFromWI

I think what Brenda is trying to say is that not everyone can simply "quit" and be done with it forever. I personally know for a fact that my anxiety is intertwined with my addiction so tightly that I can't simply compartmentalize them. I agree that quitting alcohol had to come first before I could solve any of the others.

BrendaChenowyth

I certainly couldn't work these things out while drinking, but at a certain point if I stop caring and just become complacent, I do fall back in to my addiction. Just the way it is, for me.

Happy, whole people don't self-destruct.